Topic: Nervous... need to tell my mom

Sep 13, 2019 06:56PM Eigna wrote:

I am so happy you answered. I feel so alone in this. It is stressing me so much that I haven’t told her and I don’t know how she will react. I really feel like texting her and then if she wants we can talk on the phone. What can I say. And yes you are so right sometimes my mom does react like a baby. What can I say. I do need her to be there for me and my kids,to help me so I need to tell her. Do you think it’s unacceptable to text her?

Sep 13, 2019 07:21PM Hopeful82014 wrote:

Eigna, I didn't have the problem of worrying that my family would make it all about themselves - fortunately. However, my dad, while quite vigorous, was 90 at the time I was dx. and I dreaded having to bring him bad news. My husband and I set up a time to meet with him and my step-mom (fortunately a VERY down to earth woman). I told him, that I had been diagnosed with breast cancer AND that I had a good treatment plan in place and expected to do well.

I did NOT want to have to tell him, or my sister. We'd gone through another awful cancer with another sibling less than 2 years before and I knew this would be hard for them to hear. However, I think framing it in a way that said things were under control was very helpful for all of us. I thought out my words carefully and practiced them so that I could stay on message and not get emotional while talking with them.

If your mom gets emotional you might try telling her that you're still her daughter and you need for her to be there for you. Maybe suggest somethings she can do that will take her out of herself. Ask her how she would like to help you get through it. Be very matter of fact; it usually helps people calm down. Tell her that you understand that she's distressed for you and that's o.k. but that you expect to get through this fine and she can help.

I was fortunate in that Dad and my step-mom were rock solid, steady types who were a great source of strength during the next 2 years. I hope your mom will surprise you by stepping up to the plate. Good luck. These early days of diagnosis and treatment planning are really tough. Things WILL get better. (No, I didn't believe it either when I was told that but it's true. :) )

Sep 13, 2019 07:33PM Eigna wrote:

Thank you Santabarbarian and Hopeful82014 for your advice. I’m so glad I found this site to talk about my feelings to people that have been through it. Much appreciated.

Well tonight for sure I won’t say anything but tomorrow is another day...sigh 😔

Sep 13, 2019 07:36PM Eigna wrote:

Thank you SimoneRC

Sep 13, 2019 07:56PM santabarbarian wrote:

Unless you get a babysitter which might be easier?? Up to you. Lx or biopsy size surgery is outpatient and you will likely be gone ~4 hours.

Sep 13, 2019 09:53PM AliceBastable wrote:

Eigna, I envy your dilemma. My mother died five months before I was diagnosed. I'm not sure how much I would have told her, but oh, how many times I wanted to hear her voice as I went through everything! Even at the ages we were (me 68 and her 97), I still sought her advice on some things, and she liked to tell me (and everyone else) what to do. One of my last memories of her is her telling DH and me what to get for lunch in the hospital cafeteria. She was right. I'll bet your Mom is tougher than you give her credit for, and just think how sad and upset she'll be afterward if she finds out and you didn't tell her. She might not trust you again.

Sep 13, 2019 10:08PM IBJUSTFINE67 wrote:

I think however you want to handle this is ok sweetie. I am 52 and dreaded telling my 80 year old parents. My dad cried but then crack some funny jokes. My mom was typically stoic and asking a lot of questions but I knew it killed her and even though I am doing so well now (4 weeks post surgery) she is still concerned but...guess what? I have kids too, 20 and 24. It kills me everytime when something is wrong with them. This is normal and I am so glad they tell me things even though it hurts. I called my mom because that's what I knew worked for us. YOU get to decide and texting is just fine. Wish I could do it for you:) Hang in there.

Sep 13, 2019 10:35PM santabarbarian wrote:

Alice since you do not know the OPs mom I think it is really inappropriate to throw a guilt trip of her. She is dreading hurting her mom. She is a nice kid. The mom is a basket case. A cancer patient needs to be OFF THE HOOK of emotionally draining things like BSing ridiculous parents. Additionally a Mom's main role is to be the shelterER... not the shelter-EE.

Sep 14, 2019 01:25AM - edited Sep 14, 2019 01:27AM by Gudrun

santabarbarian, I wish I had read your words the moment my daughter got diagnosed. I was that kind of a babymother you are describing. Since I had been dx two years earlier I surely was of great help as for going straight away to the right place and get treatments etc. BUT with my uncontrolled behaviour, like crying, always telling her how much I love her etc I increased my daughter's fears and aroused her feelings of guilt, which I so very very much regret.

Eigna, you are an emotionally intelligent young woman, am glad you find wise help here and please receive my "bestest" :-) wishes. Gudrun

Sep 14, 2019 05:52AM Eigna wrote:

SUPer52, I didn’t know you need to be with someone for the genetic testing. I was planning to go alone..

Sep 14, 2019 06:43AM - edited Sep 14, 2019 07:10AM by SUPer52

Eigna, I had planned to go alone too since no one suggested I have someone with me. I thought the "counseling" would be more along the lines of what choices I would have should my results come back positive, but it really was more of creating a family map of who had had cancer, what kind, and at what age. That map was then used to consider which panel of tests to run. My mother provided information I never even knew about both her side of the family and my father's. The counselor asked questions that went into generations beyond my grandparents which I hadn't expected. I wouldn't say you need to have someone with you, but it may be helpful, depending on how well you know your family's history.

If you have told your mother by the time of your appointment, you might want to consider if she would be helpful to have along with you. I had my mom go to a few doctor appointments with me, and sometimes it stressed me out more to have her with me than to have gone alone or have my husband instead, but I was very glad to have had her at the genetics counseling one.

It sounds like you know that you will eventually have to share your news because you will rely on your mom for some help. What helped the most as far as my mom was concerned was that I realized this diagnosis affected her too and that she needed to do things to help her feel useful, so while I didn't have her go to my surgeries (my husband had that duty), I allowed her to dote on me afterwards which I enjoyed more than I thought I would. I did set a few loose boundaries. For example, I took the day after surgery to just rest and sleep and insisted I did not need her to come to my house, but the day after, when I was feeling better, she came and brought me homemade soup and we just had a nice afternoon watching old movies. I am sure that whenever my mom was with her "lady bird friends" as we refer to them, that she likely made it a little bit about herself, but in my presence, she was actually pretty good. My parents are in their 80's, and I was very worried about placing my burden on them, but they are stronger than I gave them credit for.

Just a note regarding surgery day....someone above suggested a babysitter if that works for you, estimating your time to be away approximately 4 hours. If you are having a sentinel node biopsy along with a lumpectomy, and if you will have localization wires placed, you could potentially be there much longer. My first surgery which included the sentinel node biopsy ended up being almost an entire day. First I checked in at the main hospital, then was sent to the attached breast cancer center where I received the injection of the tracer dye for the SNB and had the procedure to place the localization wires to guide the surgeon to the site that was biopsied. After that, I had a mammogram to make sure they were placed correctly. Then I returned to the surgical waiting area in the main hospital and waited to be called back. The surgery itself took about an hour and 45 minutes, but there was pre-op preparation and post-op recovery too. It also happened to be a busy day for surgeries that day. When it was all said and done, I had checked in at 7:30 AM and was sent home at 5:30 PM, so it was a long day.

You are in what was for me the most difficult phase. Once I woke up from my first surgery, I sensed immediately that much anxiety had left my mind, and then once my treatment plan was in place, I felt even better. Hang in there and even though as women it is in our nature to worry about everyone else, please take care of yourself too. Hugs to you!!!

Sep 14, 2019 07:27AM HopeWins wrote:

oh, and I should add that I did tell my mom over the phone and she just kept crying and saying she didn't understand.... so, I told her to call my sister if she had questions. It's nice to have a belly button to send people to when they want more than you can give.

Sep 14, 2019 07:56AM SUPer52 wrote:

It's so interesting how things are handled so differently at different places! I agree with Simone that you should ask what to expect. If your facility does it like hers does, then you won't need to worry about whether you should have someone with you. They did do my blood draw that day, but the panel of mutations they tested for with that blood sample was based on my history. When I returned for my results, my sister went with me as we decided that my results would impact her too, and she was wondering if she should be re-tested as she was tested 12 years ago.

Just another heads up...my facility required that results be given in person, regardless of whether or not they are positive. You might want to ask about that too. When I received the call that my results were in and I needed to schedule an appointment, I worried that that meant I had tested positive. Turns out I didn't. (well, except for two mutations of unknown clinical significance, so my results did not change my treatment plan...).

Sep 14, 2019 11:06AM Beesie wrote:

Eigna, my experience with genetic testing was that I had to submit a detailed family history - the first time I was asked to send it to them in advance, the second time I was just asked to bring it along with me. There was discussion about the family history, discussion about which genes to test for, discussion about the implications of the findings, whether positive or negative, and then I was asked if I wanted to go ahead. Both times I said "yes" and I had the blood draw done immediately. That was it. No need in my case for anyone else to be there, and frankly I wouldn't have wanted anyone else there. I'd suggest that even if you are not asked to bring along your family health history, talk to family members before hand come prepared with it.

As for telling your mother, you know her so you know what is best. I never told my parents; they were in their 80s and I was in Canada and they were 1500 miles away. Plus my mother had been diagnosed 6 months before me and my parents weren't over the shock of that yet. My mother actually would have been okay with the news, upset but it wouldn't linger with her. My father would have been devastated. I felt it would be too difficult on them to tell them without having them here to see that I was okay and to help. If we'd lived close, I certainly would have told them.

Since your mother helps with your kids, you of course do need to tell her. As SUPer52 mentioned, it's possible that your day surgery might be a long day, not the 4 hours that was mentioned earlier. And while your Oncotype score will hopefully be low and chemo won't be required, with your young age, the grade 3 tumor and with it being PR-, it is quite possible that chemo will be recommended. If you decide to go ahead, then you will certainly need your mother's assistance with your kids.

If you expect your mother to get upset and possibly cry, and if that will be difficult for you, I think your idea of telling her over the phone might make sense. You have enough on your plate without needing to be strong for her. And perhaps that's what you should tell her. Think about how you expect her to react, think about your own needs and what would bother you, and maybe preface your discussion by telling her that. If you say "I have news that I know is going to make you upset, and I will give you some time to process it, but when I next see you and over the next few months, I really need your support and your strength..." Those might not be the right words for you or your situation, but plan the discussion in advance so that you are explaining your needs and gently giving her the rules that you need her to follow over the next while so that she provides you with the support you need and doesn't cause more stress for you. You can be as direct about saying that if it works for your relationship with her. Once that's explained, it should be easier to remind her and refer back to the discussion if she starts to stress too much in your presence, causing more anxiety for you.

Good luck with the discussion!

Sep 14, 2019 11:42PM santabarbarian wrote:

Eigna, sounds like a good plan! Bravo.