This is weird for me, I barely talk to my family or friends about stuff that is on my mind, but somehow decided that maybe finding a site where people are going through the same thing might be more comforting.
I am a 21 senior in college hopefully going to graduate in May. On February 3, 2011 I lost my mom (and only true friend I have ever had) to what was called complications from breast cancer. She had been diagnosed with Breast Cancer in December 2010 and had gone through various surgeries, chemotherapy treatments, and then radiation which ended sometime in Novemeber or December of this year.
When I was home for Thanksgiving break this year my mom had developed a cough, which may or may not have been connected to the radiation treatments. She was persistant to say it was just a tickle or the beginnings of a cold and that it would go away. However it made her miserable she was coughing so much that throughout the night she would sleep on the couch so she was not disturbing my father and would cough to the point of gagging. I had gone back to school to finish up the rest of the fall semester and thinking that my mom was getting over her "cold", when I returned for winter break she was still coughing on and off. But she always knew how to keep her spirits up and always did a good job to not let any of her family or friends worry about her. We ended up having a pretty good Christmas which I am very thankful for and I'm sad that I didn't end up staying home to spend new year's with her. As it got closer to the end of January things began to go downhill.
After new year's my mom returned to work. She was a special education assistant and loved helping the kids and teachers with math, writing, and reading. As she returned to work she began to get exhausted very easily. She would come home and lay down which was never like her. After a couple weeks she didn't seem to be getting any better. There were times when she left school early because she didn't have enough energy to make it up the ramps at the high school or through the halls. Finally she decided to go in to get checked out by her chemo doctor. She told them that she was very short of breath and energy and could not regain either unless she was sitting for an extended period of time. The doctor checked her vitals and said she seemed fine. However, if you knew my mom she was not fine if she willingly went to the doctor. So she told them if she was up moving they probably would not be fine. So they had her walk around the office and sure enough things didn't look good so they sent her to the pulmonary doctor. He wanted to send her to the hospital immediately but she refused because she would rather be stuck in her own bed than a hospital bed. So they sent her home with a nebulizer hoping that the problem was related to bronchitis or something similar. And that she would have to come in after the weekend was over to see if things were better and if he still wanted her in the hospital. She made things seem better and kept her spirits up and when she went in that monday he said that she did not have to go into the hospital.
That Thursday I was supposed to be returning to college for my last semester. My mom was in bed the whole week and using the nebulizer she kept saying that she was ok and that I shouldn't be worried. And wanted me to get back to school and in the swing of things there. For some reason I did not want to leave and kept trying to make myself stay through the weekend but she wouldn't let me. By Saturday she was in the hospital. For a week they tested and retested and could not figure out what was wrong with her lungs. And could not do a PET scan for another week. Finally they did the Pet Scan and found that the cnacer had, in my mom's words, "splattered everywhere". It was in her lungs, liver, breast, lymph nodes, and possibly bones. And still she texted me to say not to worry just because it had turned into stage four doesn't mean she couldn't be curred. She made me feel like she would be around forever.
On February 2nd she texted me to say that the chemo doctor thought that if they injected chemo into one particular tumor in her lung that it would shrink enough to breath better and that they would try that tomorrow but never got to. And that she was exhausted and said goodnight for the night. That was the last time i got to talk to her. The next day my dad and brother called me to tell me that I needed to come home that my mom's blood pressure was decreasing and the doctors said anyone that needed to get there had to asap. I was three hours away and by time i got home and then to the hospital it was 7 at night and she was barely there.
I walked in hysterical. And she opened her eyes and said my name and then asked for a pillow so that i could lay next to her. She complained it was too hot and kicked us all out, while she did this the nurses gave her morphine to ease the pain. While in the hallway the nurse told me that I had gotten her too excited and that i needed to calm down because it was stressing her out and making things happen faster. So when I finally got in she was already basically gone and was pronounced dead at 7:30.
She was my best friend. The only person in our family that I felt comfortable talking to and just hanging out with. She was my only true friend. And now I feel so alone and a little at fault for not getting more time with her.
I have a hard time being normal especially when I am alone. There are many times lately that I would have called her to talk to her about school and life and things that were stressing me out. Now however I can't call her anymore and have no one that could replace the way she made me feel better. I keep thinking about all the stuff that I would want her there for over the next couple years, especially graduation in the next couple months, and that is the only times that her not being here feels real. I'm not ready to not have my mom in my life and she is the only person that I would have done anything to keep in my life atleast for a couple more years. I don't know how to cope with this or be ok without her.
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