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Aug 4, 2016 06:10AM
Hi Ladies, Thank you so much again for your kind words and support. Tomorrow's the day, round 3 of CMF and I'm cringing at the thought. I know I have to do something for prevention but after last time of being out of it, so afraid for 2 weeks, I can't imagine that I'm doing it again. I had an evaluation last week with the good Dr., got a week off due to the oral surgery and won't know until tomorrow if I'm okay to get treatment. It's been 2 weeks and my mouth still hurts, wondering if he got the whole tooth out, hopefully not infected, plus the stitches did not dissolve. I'm mostly worried since nurses mentioned sepsis, getting teeth pulled while going through chemo. Anyway, back to my point and trying to think each time may be different, hoping it doesn't effect me as badly this time, though I don't have much hope. It's bad enough having side effects but I was beyond weak, afraid to sleep thinking I was not going to make it, that bad! I've had fatigue from other things but this was so scary, giving me a paranoid feeling which I do not suffer from, so nothing else to blame but the chem. I told the Dr. all of this but he said maybe it was the steroids which I'm sure it's not since I was better during the 1st 2 days from them probably. I did ask if there was ANYTHING I could do to get through this easier and though a very compassionate man, he said no. Also there was a 180 turn around with him, the 1 who wrote that he didn't think I needed more treatment after the TC which went bad. I put my papers on his desk, asking what are the odds, how bad is this scenario and he said "they wish my #"s were better", maybe referring to the Onco test or scores. He was not as light hearted, easy going about my case this time which threw me for a loop. Of course I asked him what is the best of everything I can do to prevent recurrence and he said I'm doing it by getting the CMF, 4 more rounds, then radiation, then the Tamoxifen or similar pill after that. I felt a bit relieved for a few weeks, physically, though going through a lot but emotionally my worries seemed to be lighter until I asked after going through my surgical records. I felt more assured that I'd be okay during my other 2 visits with him and this time he gave off a bad feeling, not the same. I don't know what he didn't see in May when he got all my records. He twice shrugged it off, saying "eh, the type of tumor you have, nah, you'll be fine, even if you react badly, I'll just put you on the pill", but surely wasn't like that this time, being very serious! I know many are going through worse so I should be more proactive about this but still. I'm alone in this, though have a husband who is not understanding, as family and friends deserted me, so I don't have a cheer leader, as I've been for others. When I'm a mess, in that weird state from CMF, in time I force myself to get on this computer or take phone calls but am in such a dazed weakened stupor, I have kept to myself, which is wrong. As for my hair, I never shaved my head but lost almost all of it due to TC. When I 1st went to Sloan, they told me that CMF does not make one bald but thins hair. It's now thinning the little bit I have left, only a few strands hanging on the side and thin hair on my head so I mostly wear a cap. Wig and or scarves are too hot and I feel so crumby about myself, I don't fix myself up the way I should. I have a lace cap that I wear and am very self conscious, getting looks from the few places I go, plus the neighbors who don't bother with anyone but love to talk. I know I shouldn't let that bother me. Anyway, I'm rambling now, maybe part of chemo brain too but just wanted to keep in touch, thank everyone and post what's going on. Anyone spiritual, please send some Prayers my way for an easy time of it. Thank you all again!
11/2015, IDC, Right, 1cm, Stage IA, Grade 3, 0/3 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2-
7/2017, IDC, Right, 1cm, 0/1 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
Lymph node removal; Mastectomy: Right
Lumpectomy; Lymph node removal: Right, Sentinel