I had a masectomy of my right breast 9/13/19. 9 centimeter tumor ILC slow growing. 1mm spot TNC found at surgery. 15 positive lymph nodes ILC.
My brain heard the doctors talking while I was asleep in surgery. I went into surgery being told I had ILC slow growing. No suspected lymph node involvement. No chemo. I'd be fine.
When I woke up from surgery I told my daughters, "I am going to die anyway. Why did you make me cut my boob off?" I was mean to my youngest who spoke to the doctor. She told me everything was ok. I told her it wasn't and she was stupid to think so. I'll be sorry forever for what I told her but I honestly don't remember what I said. I wish I knew consciously what my brain heard because it has made me know in my heart I'm stage IV.
When they took the drains out they told me I had 15 positive lymph nodes and they found TNC 1mm spot. So 4 rounds of AC, which nearly killed me, and 4 rounds of Taxol, which I tolerated better. 30 radiation treatments. Treatment ended in April 20.
First mammogram/ultrasound of left breast 10/12. Three suspicious spots found 1.5 centimeters. 1 centimeter, 1mm. Birads 4. Biopsy 10/30.
My nose has hurt right at the bottom of my nostril on the same side as my first masectomy since March. But it is above the tooth my dentist had to fix. Still I went to the dentist in April and I asked him about my front tooth. He was so freaked out by Covid he ignored me. He told me not to worry my teeth will outlast me. What the hell does that even mean? My brain told me, "enjoy your last summer." Like it knew what he was taking about.
I told the oncologist about the pain in my tooth and at the bottom of my nose. She ignored me. All my labs were normal again. She proceeded to set up a appointment to help with bone strength and a bone scan of my body and neck. She went from hugging me last year to staying across the room looking terrified this year. I hate Covid.
I knew I had a bad mammogram and ultrasound when I left the room and they kept me waiting an hour so they could write the report. My surgeon told me, "we'll do a telemedicine appointment to give you the results of your biopsy." She asked about my daughters, which made me paranoid. Sigh.
I'm so sad. So scared. So alone. My youngest daughter told me I should stay out of her relationship with her dad because she'll have to deal with him after I'm dead. I don't feel sick. I'm still hungry. I haven't fallen down. My head hurts sometimes. Sometimes my side where my liver is aches. But they did a PET scan and MRI last year and declared me 3C (ILC) and 1NT (TNC). No scan on my head though. I have a floaty in my eye on the right side. I've had floaties in my eye my whole life though. I have to blink to correct my eyes sometimes but who doesn't? No one seems worried about the spot at the bottom of my nose but me. I'll tell my surgeon I guess after me biopsy results.
I know this is long. I don't expect anyone to read all this. But I had to get it out. Even if I'm stage IV I know I'll fight and live a while yet. But I ran up the stairs to my first AC and I was in a wheelchair by the third treatment. I don't think I can do that again. Taxol gave me neuropathy but I tolerated it much better. Radiation wasn't hard at all. There have to be ways to extend my life that still give me a life worth living right?
I don't want to leave my husband, my daughters, my grandkids. I acknowledge I was blessed. I got to raise my daughters, 3 of my 5 grandchildren are almost grown. The other two will remember me. I'm so blessed. I'm 58. Not 28. I have no reason to complain.
But I'm scared and I feel alone and I just needed to tell someone who'd understand how I feel. Thanks for listening.
7/2019, ILC, Right, 6cm+, Stage IIIC, Grade 1, 15/15 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
9/2019, IDC, Right, <1cm, Stage IA, Grade 3, 0/15 nodes, ER-/PR-, HER2-
9/13/2019 Lymph node removal: Right, Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy: Right
Whole-breast: Breast, Lymph nodes, Chest wall
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