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Topic: I know I should feel grateful...but

Forum: DCIS (Ductal Carcinoma In Situ) — Just diagnosed, in treatment, or finished treatment for DCIS.

Posted on: May 3, 2012 04:03PM

Shayne wrote:

I have days i feel so sorry for myself, scared of what is ahead of me.....worried about my future.... It swallows me up......

So many women on here are so brave, facing far worse dx than I am right now.....and on my best days I am so grateful mine was caught early.  But its scary and real....im worried for my daughter, what its doing to my marriage......my sanity!

I try to do all the things i know will make me feel better, have all the right inspirational books, funny movies, friends to call......but all i want to do is just lie here.......

I will be grateful to be on the other side of this.  Tomorrow i meet my RO - and find out what my treatment plan will be.  Questions will be answered.....plans made......I know THAT will empower me.....I dont know why Im not happy for that.....its just a bad day......

Thx for listening 

I am not a doctor, scientist or expert. My comments are based on my own experience with my own individual diagnosis. Do your own research, get a second opinion, choose the best professionals/specialists and be your own health care advocate!
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May 3, 2012 04:58PM - edited May 3, 2012 04:59PM by marilyn113

Things can always be worse, but having DCIS is still scary.  Don't feel bad about feeling bad.  It's normal.  You'll have a lot of ups and downs, try not to add guilt to that.  The time before treatment is so stressful because there are so many unknowns.  It will help to have a plan of action. 

Any time you have questions, concerns, or need someone to listen, this is the place to come.  There is so much wisdom, experience and kindnes on this site.  Lots of women who have gone through this and can support you.

((((Hugs!)))

Surgery 8/31/2011 Lumpectomy: Right Surgery 11/8/2011 Lumpectomy: Right Dx 11/11/2011, LCIS/DCIS/IDC, Right, <1cm, Stage IA, Grade 2, 0/4 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 11/23/2011 Lymph node removal: Right, Sentinel Radiation Therapy 12/13/2011 Surgery 8/1/2012 Mastectomy: Left, Right
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May 3, 2012 05:00PM Shayne wrote:

thx!

I love this site!!! 

I am not a doctor, scientist or expert. My comments are based on my own experience with my own individual diagnosis. Do your own research, get a second opinion, choose the best professionals/specialists and be your own health care advocate!
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May 3, 2012 06:14PM LAstar wrote:

When I have a bad day, I just go ahead and have a doozy of a bad day!  I wallow and grouch, let those rare tears flow, take a hot bath, and then I'm ready to count my blessings again.  I definitely feel better when I have a plan too!  It's so easy to feel out of control.  When there are some dates and facts to work with, we can get on with our lives.  Good wishes for tomorrow!

Dx 3/5/2012, DCIS, 6cm+, Stage 0, Grade 3, 0/3 nodes, ER+/PR- Surgery 4/6/2012 Lumpectomy: Left Surgery 5/4/2012 Lumpectomy: Left Surgery 6/19/2012 Mastectomy: Left; Prophylactic mastectomy: Right; Reconstruction (left): SGAP flap/hip flap; Reconstruction (right): SGAP flap/hip flap Surgery 10/5/2012 Reconstruction (left): SGAP flap/hip flap; Reconstruction (right): SGAP flap/hip flap Surgery 1/26/2015 Reconstruction (left): DIEP flap
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May 3, 2012 06:51PM Shayne wrote:

Yep Lastar......im a good wallower.......then the next day Im fine!  

Thx - tomorrow, yes, hoping for a good outcome! 

I am not a doctor, scientist or expert. My comments are based on my own experience with my own individual diagnosis. Do your own research, get a second opinion, choose the best professionals/specialists and be your own health care advocate!
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May 3, 2012 07:06PM dlb823 wrote:

Shayne, your post reminded me of something a bc survivor friend sent me that I've also occasionally seen used as a personal tagline here:

"Courage doesn't always roar.  Sometimes courage is the small voice at the end of the day saying, 'I will try again tomorrow.' "  Mary Anne Radmacher

I hope tomorrow's a better day for you ~  (((Hugs))) Deanna 

Deanna "The soul would have no rainbow if the eyes had no tears" Native American proverb Dx 2/1/2008, 1cm, Stage IIA, Grade 3, 1/16 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Dx 1/3/2014, Stage IV
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May 3, 2012 07:15PM Iz_and_Lys_Mum wrote:

Keep strong Shayne, I promise it gets easier as you go along. And theres nothing wrong with pulling the duvet over your head and having a little wallow. Just dont do it for too long :-). Im 18 months or so out from my diagnosis now, and am in for my (hopefully) last surgery tomorrow. Im sure you will feel so much better once you have that action plan. And we are all here if you need to ask questions, or hold your hand while you have a little freakout :-).

Big hugs

Caroline xxx

Dx 8/26/2010, DCIS, 6cm+, Stage 0, Grade 3, 0/1 nodes
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May 3, 2012 09:23PM akinto wrote:

I feel the same way, Shayne.

I am deeply grateful to have caught it at Stage 0, but so very PO'd to have cancer at all.

I was talking to my optometrist, and I said that the moral of my story was that you should always keep your mammography appointments. She told me she had missed last year and was now in a big mess.  I fel t terrible to have said what I did.

Dx 4/5/2012, DCIS, Stage 0, Grade 3, 0/0 nodes, ER+/PR+
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May 3, 2012 10:23PM Shayne wrote:

well.....I think that is the reason i tell complete strangers what is going on with me right now.  So that someone listens and go gets their mammo!  Ive gotten 6 of my FB friends to make appts!  This was my first mammo.....i put it off and put it off.....didnt want the radiation exposure - which right now, seems ridiculous, considering how much rad ive been exposed to the past month!!  omg - everything seems so ridiculous to me.......everything except cancer......Guess im stll in a bit of shock that i even have it.....i hear myself say it out loud.....and its like someone else is talking!  Yea, im pissed.....pissed at all the birth control i took.....the Bio Identical Hormones for 2 yrs... and whatever else may have caused this......Im angry there arent better testing....and better treatments!!  and for all the god damn waiting around we all have to do!!  ok - feel somewhat better.......

I am not a doctor, scientist or expert. My comments are based on my own experience with my own individual diagnosis. Do your own research, get a second opinion, choose the best professionals/specialists and be your own health care advocate!
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May 3, 2012 11:27PM LAstar wrote:

Good for you for encouraging friends to get checked!  I'm not out loud-and-proud on FB yet but I will be one day just to get my friends to get their mammograms.  My sister just got her first post-40 mammo (and MRI sice her sister now has BC) last week and just got a call for follow-up today.  They want mammo, nuclear imaging, ultrasound, and more detailed MRI.  I am so worried!  

Dx 3/5/2012, DCIS, 6cm+, Stage 0, Grade 3, 0/3 nodes, ER+/PR- Surgery 4/6/2012 Lumpectomy: Left Surgery 5/4/2012 Lumpectomy: Left Surgery 6/19/2012 Mastectomy: Left; Prophylactic mastectomy: Right; Reconstruction (left): SGAP flap/hip flap; Reconstruction (right): SGAP flap/hip flap Surgery 10/5/2012 Reconstruction (left): SGAP flap/hip flap; Reconstruction (right): SGAP flap/hip flap Surgery 1/26/2015 Reconstruction (left): DIEP flap
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May 4, 2012 11:34AM mckenna wrote:

at the end of the day i still have cancer, i still have to have a lot of radiation, i still have to take tamoxifin, i still have this undiagnosable infection that my stupid surgeon said was a bug bite, are you kidding me.  it has been a bad day, sorry for the rant, but i have not really every got emotional over this whole thing because i know i am lucky but i can't take much more, now the air in our van is out and our dryer is broke

Dx 3/23/2012, DCIS, 1cm, Stage 0, Grade 1, ER+/PR+
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May 4, 2012 12:12PM mckenna wrote:

lastar, sorry i just re-read your post about your sister.  i so don't want my sisters to have to deal with this too. when is she having her scans.

Dx 3/23/2012, DCIS, 1cm, Stage 0, Grade 1, ER+/PR+
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May 4, 2012 07:01PM - edited May 5, 2012 07:30PM by Shayne

Just got back from RO - while driving the 1.5 hr drive, the office called to tell me she had the flu and they needed to reschedule!  LUckily I saw another doc who came in from their other office....PHEW!  He turned out to be this great doc, nerdy science guy with a hilarious sense of humor!!  He spent TWO HOURS answering our questions!  I even got to see the brachy catheters.  I totally wanted him to be my doc.....but he readily said the other doc had A LOT more experience, and I should go for the best!  

But not all my questions were answered.  Everything is pending on the Path Reports.... He gave me worse case scenarios....just so i wouldnt be blind sided.  If my paths show something other than DCIS.....then he'll be my doc......but if there are no surprises.....then Im going with Brachy - Im lucky I live near the best docs for this procedure in the country.  Well.....more waiting..... 21 days to be exact.  Not sure how I will get thru this emotionally......im a friggin train wreck!!  

Thank god ive got you ladies to help me thru this.....   

I am not a doctor, scientist or expert. My comments are based on my own experience with my own individual diagnosis. Do your own research, get a second opinion, choose the best professionals/specialists and be your own health care advocate!
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May 4, 2012 07:06PM hrf wrote:

There is no reason to feel grateful for getting breast cancer. You are allowed to feel bad and to cry and to be miserable and frightened. Many of your feelings will improve once you have a tx plan and get started. But you don't ever have to feel grateful about this.....not ever. 

BRCA2+ first dx in Oct. 2004 2nd dx Feb. 2009 a new primary
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May 4, 2012 07:15PM CLC wrote:

Shayne...I am almost 8 months out from my dx.  I felt incredibly fortunate to have caught it so early.  But I still mourned.  Mourned the loss of my breast.  Mourned the loss of my old life, without breast cancer.  Mourned the innocence my children lost through it all.  Mourned.  I cried and cried.  I don't even think it was wallowing.  It was giving my feelings room.  Making space for and acknowledging the legitimacy of my sadness.  It made it all way more do-able.  I even scheduled time to cry, when things were too busy. 

It does get better.  But that is besides the point.  What matters now is that you are sad, mad, fearful or whatever you are.  There is no comparing that to anyone else.  It just is.  And you WILL find your way through.

Turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you. ~Maori Proverb Surgery 10/29/2010 Lumpectomy: Left Dx 9/15/2011, DCIS, Stage 0, Grade 1, 0/1 nodes, ER+/PR+ Surgery 10/7/2011 Mastectomy: Left
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May 4, 2012 07:35PM Shayne wrote:

Thanks CLC.......i do think im wallowing sometimes......but you are right - it is just giving myself room to mourn all those things u said.  Im feeling all of that......and i wont feel bad at all for that anymore.....

I dont have a treatment plan - i dont know a lot more than i did yesterday.  He even said my pathology report could come back showing INvasive cancer and NOT dcis.....biopsies, mri, all these tests dont show what the tissue will show....they could open me up and find MORE..... i know he was trying to prepare me.....and im glad, i would not want to be blind sided by this....

Just getting thru the next 21 days and then the 5 -6 days more of waiting for pathology report... its like time is moving in slow motion......everytime i look a  clock or calendar.....its like time is not going by......lots of time to think and have anxiety attacks......which are gettng so out of hand now......wish i could just go to sleep, cancer induced coma until surgery......and not have to deal with the day to day life.....

will i ever find a way thru?  Really?  Just wondering if i will ever ever be as happy as I thought i was ever again........... 

I am not a doctor, scientist or expert. My comments are based on my own experience with my own individual diagnosis. Do your own research, get a second opinion, choose the best professionals/specialists and be your own health care advocate!
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May 4, 2012 07:53PM CLC wrote:

Shayne...I did not have anxiety attacks.  Many women here have tried anti-anxiety medications with success.  Perhaps you could look at those threads (if you aren't already taking something).  I was very careful to do whatever I could to alleviate anxiety (I have a personal history of depression and was wary of situational depression occuring).  I was careful to schedule time to continue my exercise.  I allowed myself my feelings.  I made sure to get out in the sunshine.  I listened to my favorite music.  I played with the dog.  All the things that I like.  I cried through it all.  I cried while running down the street.  I cried while driving home from work.  I cried.  But I just kept trying to take care of myself all the while.  I got through. 

Also, I took a couple of extra days off from work right before the surgery and had my first ever full body massage.  I spent a day alone with dh.  (Yes, I even cried during our intimate moments). 

I just didn't judge myself.  I think that helped me.  I just kept trying to do what I could for myself.  I made it. 

I did have one moment of heart sinking anxiety...the moment I called the hospital to know what time I should arrive for the surgery the following morning.  But...I just called my best friend and....cried.

I am now doing really well.  I am very happy.  It has been a long road, and I have been through many many trials and changes...but I just keep working for the better.  And life is getting better and better again.  (In some ways, better than before.  My marriage is stronger and more intimate, though it nearly was destroyed in the aftermath of the bc...  but that is a whole other bucket of worms...)

Hang in there...you will make it through...

Claire

Turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you. ~Maori Proverb Surgery 10/29/2010 Lumpectomy: Left Dx 9/15/2011, DCIS, Stage 0, Grade 1, 0/1 nodes, ER+/PR+ Surgery 10/7/2011 Mastectomy: Left
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May 4, 2012 08:22PM Iz_and_Lys_Mum wrote:

Shayne, Im sitting in my hospital bed now having had my tissue expander swap today. You will feel better sweetheart, it can be a long road but there is happiness at the end of it. I can see it now... Big hugs xxxxx

Dx 8/26/2010, DCIS, 6cm+, Stage 0, Grade 3, 0/1 nodes
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May 4, 2012 10:18PM Shayne wrote:

Do you lz_and_Lys_Mum?  the light at the end?  Cos i trust you if you say yes!

Thanks Claire......I am taking xanax.....but i just hate medicating myself.....hate taking pills....and cannnot mix with alcohol, which is my drug of choice right now. And during the day, must remain sober.....and thats ok, bc i DO want to feel and reap whatever life benefits I can from this tragedy called cancer.  My marriage......well, that was on the rocks somewhat before this.....now its waiting to see.....will things be better bc of this.....or worse?  I feel I am sinking in to depression mode....which i also am subject to in small doses......but this is bigger.....bigger than anything Ive felt before.  I am in the depths of this thng.  My husband sees our therapist and suggested i see her.....and i guess that would help.....I have my own way of processing......but its not working for me.  god i just want this whole thing to be over.......I know I have the strength....i just want to stop thinking about it.....and hearing myself talk about it.....im so sick of cancer......and i know, it will always be around.  Ill forever have to deal with doctors and breast checks and mri and mammograms and waiting for results......and i hate doctors.....or ....i used to hate them.  NOW, they are my life savers......I am forced to trust them, not second guess them.......that is a whole new thing.  

thanks everyone......everyone has these pearl of wisdoms that help me so much - please respond - bc something you say, even something small......makes a difference.....

visualizing........positive thinking......it gets harder and harder........ 

I am not a doctor, scientist or expert. My comments are based on my own experience with my own individual diagnosis. Do your own research, get a second opinion, choose the best professionals/specialists and be your own health care advocate!
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May 4, 2012 10:24PM barbiecorn wrote:

We all feel this way...believe me...we have all felt and will feel this way...it is very normal...you need time to adjust if we ever do...hang in there...tomorrow is another day..(((hugs))) 

Dx 12/26/2011, 2cm, Stage IIA, Grade 2, 0/0 nodes
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May 4, 2012 11:49PM susan12202 wrote:

Shayne - Wish I could reach through here and give you a big hug.  I was recently diagnosed, and so much of what you wrote is what I've felt for the past few weeks.  I promise, once you have a treatment plan, you will feel so much better!  My family and friends have promised me a 'cancer-free weekend' as I am so tired of talking and thinking about it, just like you.  I just want to feel normal for awhile.  My best advice to you is let those around you love you as much as they want to, and push to get a treatment plan determined.  You will feel more in control of your situation, which will help.  Hang in there sweety...

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May 5, 2012 01:56AM Iz_and_Lys_Mum wrote:

The light is defo there, I promise - and i only ever lie about things like Father Christmas and the Tooth Fairy. Oh, and the Birthday Fairy. And perhaps my weight... :-)

Ive just pm'd you xxx

Dx 8/26/2010, DCIS, 6cm+, Stage 0, Grade 3, 0/1 nodes
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May 5, 2012 04:14AM LAstar wrote:

Mckenna, thanks for asking. My sis has further mammo, mri, nuclear imaging, & us on may 17. I told her that she was already getting better care than I was! She has had panic attacks in the past, so I worry about her being diagnosed.

I agree - we all got a crappy deal here! My mo doesn't even consider this cancer (um, then why do I have a mo?). As I sit here with a fresh re excision waiting for a path report, I am trying not to play the blame game on why this happened to me or feel sorry for my self (i don't live in the gaza strip, I am free to choose my own husband & be educated & go to school -the lives of women around the world is mind-blowing), and other than cancer I am healthy and strong. i have simplified stressful activities in my life & take more time with my husband & 4 yr old daughter. Out is hard to be sad when I get sweet kisses & dance performances & outrageous stories! I have a giggle of girlfriends that take great care of me, bring me food after surgery, take me out for girls night, and listen when I ned to vent. No matter what is happening in life, these are the things that keep me grounded and happy. This is my medicine. But the oxyco fg one isn't huting right now. ;-)

Dx 3/5/2012, DCIS, 6cm+, Stage 0, Grade 3, 0/3 nodes, ER+/PR- Surgery 4/6/2012 Lumpectomy: Left Surgery 5/4/2012 Lumpectomy: Left Surgery 6/19/2012 Mastectomy: Left; Prophylactic mastectomy: Right; Reconstruction (left): SGAP flap/hip flap; Reconstruction (right): SGAP flap/hip flap Surgery 10/5/2012 Reconstruction (left): SGAP flap/hip flap; Reconstruction (right): SGAP flap/hip flap Surgery 1/26/2015 Reconstruction (left): DIEP flap
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May 5, 2012 06:55AM - edited May 5, 2012 06:56AM by Shayne

 beautiful.....

not sure why i cannot write in  my journal.....but everyone's words sound so beautiful....... 

I am not a doctor, scientist or expert. My comments are based on my own experience with my own individual diagnosis. Do your own research, get a second opinion, choose the best professionals/specialists and be your own health care advocate!
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May 5, 2012 09:10AM Infobabe wrote:

Shayne, I try to keep my keveching here and now I am thinking I might join a support group.  I know how this cosumes your thoughts morning, noon, and night.  Yours seem even more drawn out.

My husband has been very good and involved, not interfering with my decsions.  But I try to sheild him because I know no matter how emotional for us, others get tired of hearing about it.

So leave it all here and find a support group if there are any near you.

Dx 3/15/2012, DCIS, <1cm, Stage 0, Grade 1, ER+/PR+ Surgery 4/30/2012 Lumpectomy: Left
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May 5, 2012 09:19AM CLC wrote:

Infobabe...I think that differs with different people.  My best friend craved hearing from me...knowing all.  I think she needed to talk about it as much as I.  In fact, for her, she needed to hear how I was doing emotionally long after I stopped needing to discuss it so much.  As for my husband, he didn't need to discuss it, but his willingness to listen was one of the things that deepened our intimacy and may have saved our marriage.

Shayne...if you need to kvetch, and if you have people to kvetch to, then I think it is another tool in your arsenal for dealing with this.  Obviously, you can avoid overwhelming people, but I think it is important not to shut them out, either...they can be part of this journey with you.

Turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you. ~Maori Proverb Surgery 10/29/2010 Lumpectomy: Left Dx 9/15/2011, DCIS, Stage 0, Grade 1, 0/1 nodes, ER+/PR+ Surgery 10/7/2011 Mastectomy: Left
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May 5, 2012 09:40AM - edited May 5, 2012 01:47PM by Infobabe

If you have someone who craves the information, that is great.  It is just that I am reminded of the so many who post here who complain that their old friends seem to have desertd them. 

We are lucky to have the husbands we have because so many take a powder.  It is hard to have somemone complaining all the time and you cannot do anything about it.  Shayne will have to make her best judgements and draw on their sympathy as she sees fit.  I sincerely hope she never has to  and a year from now it is all a distant memory.  Given it is DCIS, this is likely what will happen.

Dx 3/15/2012, DCIS, <1cm, Stage 0, Grade 1, ER+/PR+ Surgery 4/30/2012 Lumpectomy: Left
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May 5, 2012 10:41AM LAstar wrote:

Pardon my middle-of-the-night painkiller-augmented post above.   I meant every misspelled word though.  Laughing

RE: " i hate doctors.....or ....i used to hate them. NOW, they are my life savers......I am forced to trust them, not second guess them"   You are still your best advocate, and you should trust yourself at least as much as you trust the doctors.  If something doesn't feel right, get a 2nd or 3rd opinion, read the available literature, ask lots of questions.  The doctors don't know everything.  I've found that my BS was woefully out-of-date on the DCIS literature.  Fortunately, he has listened to me and wasn't threatened when I referenced more recent research.  He said that I challenged him and that it was good.  Don't give up control of your treatment -- you are the one who will have to live with it.  

Dx 3/5/2012, DCIS, 6cm+, Stage 0, Grade 3, 0/3 nodes, ER+/PR- Surgery 4/6/2012 Lumpectomy: Left Surgery 5/4/2012 Lumpectomy: Left Surgery 6/19/2012 Mastectomy: Left; Prophylactic mastectomy: Right; Reconstruction (left): SGAP flap/hip flap; Reconstruction (right): SGAP flap/hip flap Surgery 10/5/2012 Reconstruction (left): SGAP flap/hip flap; Reconstruction (right): SGAP flap/hip flap Surgery 1/26/2015 Reconstruction (left): DIEP flap
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May 5, 2012 01:24PM marilyn113 wrote:

You do need to do your own research.  One of the best kept secrets is breast density and how it ups your risk of getting cancer and having a recurrence.  I knew I had dense breasts but didn't know it was a risk factor.  Would have gotten a BMX if I found this info sooner.  I've been trying to spread the word.  See www.areyoudenseorg for more info.

Surgery 8/31/2011 Lumpectomy: Right Surgery 11/8/2011 Lumpectomy: Right Dx 11/11/2011, LCIS/DCIS/IDC, Right, <1cm, Stage IA, Grade 2, 0/4 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 11/23/2011 Lymph node removal: Right, Sentinel Radiation Therapy 12/13/2011 Surgery 8/1/2012 Mastectomy: Left, Right
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May 5, 2012 01:50PM Infobabe wrote:

I didn't know density was a risk factor either.   I do have more than I would prefer.  Given my age I should be all fat by now.  Rats!

Dx 3/15/2012, DCIS, <1cm, Stage 0, Grade 1, ER+/PR+ Surgery 4/30/2012 Lumpectomy: Left
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May 5, 2012 03:08PM marilyn113 wrote:

Why aren't doctors telling us about this!  Most women don't even know if they have dense breasts, much less all the implications.

Surgery 8/31/2011 Lumpectomy: Right Surgery 11/8/2011 Lumpectomy: Right Dx 11/11/2011, LCIS/DCIS/IDC, Right, <1cm, Stage IA, Grade 2, 0/4 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 11/23/2011 Lymph node removal: Right, Sentinel Radiation Therapy 12/13/2011 Surgery 8/1/2012 Mastectomy: Left, Right

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