Managing life after a breast cancer diagnosis, including rediscovering intimacy, coping with fear of recurrence, reconnecting relationships, sharing hobbies and interests, and finding inspiration in daily life.
Posted on: Mar 10, 2008 12:58AM - edited Apr 6, 2008 08:45PM by Traci-----TripNeg
First let me say that I am not mocking the other thread. I'm sorta using the format of the name but other than that....I was thinking the exact opposite of where that thread has gone.
Can anyone relate to ..........EVERYTHING SUCKS!!
I'm on three drugs right now. Xanax, Welbrutrin and Ambiem for sleeping. Hugs to you girls taking more "cancer pre-vent" meds...sometimes, I wish I was on those.....
Anyway.....My fuse is so short. My boyfriend that broke up with me prior to my dx now will NOT leave me alone and is following me around like a puppy and I just want to kick that puppy out into the street!! K...that's not true either but in my most recent "10 goals in my life" Getting Him to "move on" was #2 on my list!
I am desperately trying to move on in my professional life and that is difficult because the little "physical" self esteem I did have prior to BC went flying out the window on a f*ing missile the night my hair fell out.
Rather than trying to cheer everybody up with a bunch of "it's going to be fine" stuff....how 'bout we just use this as a sound off thread and everytime everbody posts some CRAP going on in their lives, the replies will be "that sucks.....listen to my crap!"
Let's see what else to I want to bitch about ....???? Oh yes, if people don't quit telling me how "cute" I look with my two inch no order whatsoever curls other than to just poof out there I am going to scream!
Oh and don't even get me started on my reconstruction!
Let's call this the complaint line where we will get no resolve other than the opportunity to get it out of our systems!
No personal attacks between posters allowed!!!!!
Man, I feel better!!
Posts 1 - 30 (11,941 total)
Mar 10, 2008 01:37AM angel wrote:
((((Traci)))) Now This looks like a thread I can relate to! YES, everything sucks! I'm not going to bitch at the moment other than to say that ever since my ooph I've been putting on weight and Nothing fits me anymore! I desperately need to go shopping but always feel too tired and achy to want to do much. I really need to shop because I can't go anywhere in my lounge pants and pj's which is all that I can wear nowadays! I should go to bed now. My 2 year old is finally settling down, she has a cold and is having trouble sleeping. I'm sure I'll be back here though! I can relate also to the meds .. too many, and I'm tired of taking them all! It does feel good to let some of this out somewhere!
Mar 10, 2008 03:18AM LisaSDCA wrote:
Oh, Traci - love ya grrrl!
If my roomate smoked a cigar any closer than the next county he/she would be toast! That SUCKS!
Mar 10, 2008 03:44AM Diana63 wrote:Hi Traci, that really sucks and I am guilty of a short fuse myself lately, if one more person tells me my wig looks natural, I will rip it off and throw it at them. My skin looks like a dried up leaf, and my nails are turning purple. My head itches, my back hurts and I have nice red blotches on my arms and hands. Cancer sucks, chemo sucks and right now here in Ohio the snow sucks, and tomorrow I will have to dig out my car to go to work. End of rant for now. ((Traci))
Mar 10, 2008 07:19AM chemosabi wrote:
Traci: The last 3 years have been an emotional roller coaster. So I can sure understand where you are coming from. Before bc, I was in a top management position - still dont have any enthusiasm to get back into it - even though I could be making alot more money.
In the beginning I was one of those naive people who thought "ok bc, I can deal with it. Have surgery, chemo and move on with my life." Little did I know that 3 years later I still have days where Im struggling.
Sometimes I just want to shut out the world, and still manage to. The gift cancer gave me which I cant get back is enjoying being out at social gatherings. Just cant handle it anymore. Get very anxious. Much prefer staying at home and find myself still living in my bedroom, despite the fact that I have a big house with lots of room that I basically never see anymore.
I still think about cancer everyday - it might be easier and less fearful, but none the less - its still in my thoughts everyday. I have been changed forever. I sort of like the new me, but I sure miss the old me!
Mar 10, 2008 07:29AM Isabella4 wrote:
Traci....I can so relate, and I am nearly 5 years down the line.
My life has altered so much, I have become old, with all the moans and groans, aches and pains that go with that, all thanks to Arimidex.
I was told 'it will get better'....someone lied !
I have plantar facitis (sp) in both my feet, carpal tunnel in both my hands, one hand I wear a splint on permanently now, my 'bad' arm hurts all day, its easier to just let it hang by my side than use it, because of the pain, drugs don't do much for it, and I feel like a moaner when I go to my GP . All I want is some decent pain relief, so I can go out shopping, go into my garden and just spend time doing something, instead of walking round it upset that I can't manage more than about 10 mins at a stretch without having to pack it in.
Sleep ?? that went outta the window, I get about 2-3 hours, the rest I just either lay there listening to my radio, or prance round the room trying to 'walk out' the cramps in my legs that come visiting each time I turn over and try and sleep.
I have put on well over 2 stones in this 5 years, I have no waist anymore, I have had shingles 3 times since bc, and am left with nerve pain from that.
Just when I think it can't get any worse something else pops up, and no matter how much whining I do at my GP she just tells me ' I am giving you the best pain relief I can' aaarrrgghhh !! ( just had an xray for pain in my lower back and pelvis, this shows osteopenia to all the bones in that area ....thanks Arimidex)
I know I bitch at DH and my kids, I just know I am doing it, and can't stop. I can see their lives running along without a hitch, if one of them moans about a cold I really lay into them !! A cold, I just wish with all my heart a cold was all I had to worry about !
Everyone seems to think its over and done with, so why am I still complaining, and withdrawing from what used to be a normal family life ?
I suppose I could go on, but I somehow have to go and get a basket of logs in, and light the fire, we are having a mad storm at the moment, and its cold. DH knows we need logs, he knows the fire has to be lit, but does he do it ?? does he hell. I am up and dressed therefore I must get on with things.
Summer is coming !!!!!!
Mar 10, 2008 08:55AM Bliz wrote:
Yea, life post BC, can really suck sometimes.
It seems like every time I go to the doc there is a new symptom. Already have weight gain, mostly water weight, crabbiness, my energy and stamina suck. Can barely run after being a competitive runner.
Now I have high blood pressure to boot. AND I am not even on anti-estrogen meds. First two had too many side effects and now waiting for a ruling on tamoxifen.
I have been trying different natural/alternatives for my issues, like black cohosh and progesterone creams for the water weight and estrogen dominance. Of course my docs think I am crazy, but too much estrogen cant be good either.
Have any of you tried magnesium citrate or melatonin for sleep? How about Zyflamend or other supplements for joint pain. I am all for experimenting if I get a higher quality of life, despite what my docs may say.
Mar 10, 2008 09:39AM Fitztwins wrote:
I remember feeling that way. If one more person said, "you look good in short hair" I was gonna scream. Or the "how are you REALLY doing".
I think we are just burned out and raw after treaments (and during).
Roommates suck. plain and simple.
There is no magic cure for what you are going through. Try being good to yourself, tell yourself that the little stuff just doesn't matter,
and if you need to find an good friend (and us) to vent vent vent!
It will get better. Promise.
Mar 10, 2008 09:45AM - edited Apr 6, 2008 08:46PM by Traci-----TripNeg
I feel better knowing that I am not alone!
Charlene...I've put on weight since my hysterectomy. I had just gotten rid of most of my chemo fat and now this. You made me laugh about "can't go anywhere in my lounge pants"! lol
Lisa....you should see the ashtray outside on the patio! It is disgusting. I'm leaving it. I'm not picking it up. I'm going to see how long it takes her to.
Diana...lol about the wig! Gawd..........I hate that. I wait for it now and I don't have to wait long. It's the FIRST words out of everybody's (that I know) mouth; "ooooooooohhhhhhhhhh look how cute your hair looks!!"
Nicki....I felt the same way 'deal with it and move on'. Yea, right. Not happening. That's another thing that makes me crazy about my roommate. Anytime she goes anywhere, she asks me 5 times to go. I met her and her new boyfriend for a drink one night and right when I sat down, he said "I think this is the first time I've seen you out of your house." Asshole. Just two weeks prior I was at his brothers house watching his Redskins get beat by the Seahawks. (sp?) I guess my roommates been talking to him about me not going anywhere. You think????
Isabella...damn girl....I guess I should knock on your husband's head (wood...lol) for not having that kind of pain. That does SUCK. My sister takes neurotin for her RSD (chronic pain) and that seems to help her. I'm sure you've tried everything though. deep sigh....
Hey Bliz...my sis also uses that estrogen cream for hot flashes. I forgot all about those! Have them 4-5 times a day and 4-5 times a night if I don't knock myself out with sleeping pills! My doc won't let me take anything for estrogen replacement cuz of my trip neg. Whatever, maybe eventually the sweat from the hot flashes will help me lose some of this fat.
I hope y'alls day isn't to crappy!
Mar 10, 2008 01:38PM my3girls wrote:
Gosh can I relate!! For me..this last month or so has been bad!! I don't feel like my old self..not sure if that woman even exists anymore!! I too, hate these ugly chemo curls on my head. They are not cute..and they are not me!!!!!! I had long beautiful hair before..what is this crap?? I know I should be greatful for my own hair, and I am...but I WANT MY OLD HAIR BACK!!!!!!!!!
Can I ask you Traci, what you meant about don't ask about your reconstruction?? I am 5 wks out from my pedicle tram on my left breast! I think that is part of my problem now. Even though I should be feeling good..and happy that now I have a boob again...for some reason I am not. I still look in the mirror..and I see FRANKENSTEIN!! It will never look like a boob...at least I don't think so. GRRRRRRRRRR....
I don't have a roomate...I only have a 16 yr old daughter at home. I don't have any man in my life...and that is fine with me now. My ex left me 1 month after dx last year, this time!! Good riddence...but there are times where it gets lonely. Right now....I am not too excited about meeting anyone. And who would want this messed up body anyhow. I know that sounds terrible..because I am more than my body...but it's difficult to not think that way.
I agree with everyone who has mentioned, the MOVE ON...you are cancer free now...so move forward!! Well...it's not as easy to do!! They just don't understand!
My oc just put me on an anti depressant...I hope it helps, cause the way I feel now...SUCKS!!!
I used to be very outgoing...loved life...very active...and now....sometimes I could care less if I talked to or saw anybody. Work?? Well..now that I have such restricitions on what I can do physically, due to the node removal...that has changed my job..and I feel like people look at me...and feel sorry for me. I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me...darn it!!!
Weight...omg!!! Let's not go there. For me...about 10-15 lbs. I never have had a weight problem..and now...I look at all the cute clothes in my closet...and dream about fitting into them!
Thanks Traci for starting this complaining thread....it's a good outlet!!
Mar 10, 2008 02:43PM lv2cmp wrote:
Well I'm not moving beyond cancer I am more like living with since I am stage IV but I can relate to this topic so I am chiming in.
Lets see now,,the famous line, "I dont see how you do what you do, I couldnt if it was me." Well its not like I have a choice. I do what I have to do to survive.
How long will you be on treatment? Well till I die probably and I hope thats a long time away.
Weight? oh not even answering that one. Even had one person say, I thought people lost weight on chemo?!? yeah steroids are great for sleep and losing weight,,stupid people.
Oh man, I could go on but its a great feel just to get it out and know that we all understand.
Great thread Traci!
Mar 10, 2008 02:48PM snowyday wrote:
This is Good, so Good, where to start.
My hair, it's about one inch long thats all since Nov. And there is so
much white in it I'm not sure I should colour it or go platinum.
Weight gain, the bloody extra pounds will not go away and I'm not
even a good eater, but nothing fits and summer is coming and I look like shit.
Pain, the pain in my arms legs, below my right rib, left ribs and shoulder from rads none of it will stop. I walk a block and the shin pain keeps me up no matter what I take to stop the pain.
The extra scars, yup scars and blotchy skin all over I feel like an alligator even with the creams and bath oils and exfoliating.
The fatique, I have always been high energy, now if I do two things in one day I'm proud of myself. Ridiculous.
The runny nose, constant blowing and blowing. I've probably killed three huge trees myself just on my nose. (remind me to plant a few in fall ladies)
The guilt, that I can't give to my family the energy, time, fun, like I used to.
Okay I'm done for now. Thanks Traci, I love this idea. And as far as your roomate does she not have a brain, you have cancer and they're smoking cigars in the house, with a dog that doesn't get walked thats just cruel. Okay now I'm done. Thanks for starting this thread. I feel better already, well not really. Pearl
Mar 10, 2008 03:49PM my3girls wrote:
Oh Pearl....GUILT...thanks for the reminder on that one...lol. I have so much guilt when it comes to family, and what I can't do.
This is a great idea......the venting actually is making me feel better!!!
Mar 10, 2008 03:51PM susanmcm wrote:
HA HA HA HA HA Traci, love it.
Isabella, I can so relate. I've had a knee replacement and two dental implants and there was nothing wrong with my bones before chemo!! WOW, what the heck has happened to me!!!!!
I'm married to my roomate. We have some of the same problems. LOL
Mar 10, 2008 05:39PM trigeek wrote:
Ahhh Traci gal !
Can you believe that I am out of chemo did my recon and now started rads..I would have loved to say that time flew since I saw you at the docs office on december 28th but it actually did feel like a century since then.
A beatchh thread how awesome !!!
Hmm.. phat phat phat.. from 135pounds up to 157. Not even on tamox yet.
No descent sleep at all for the last 6 months thanks to chemopause, major night sweats 6-7/night.. nothing cuts it. I take 6 mg of Melatonin ( none of the sleep aids worked) that kind of makes me a sleep walker with hot flashes. i can not stand contact with the bed and have to get up for a couple of minutes everytime the'rush' comes.
Boobs.. the c one reconstruction looks fine with clothing, but it feels like an expander,very hard.. I am afraid what the radiation will do to it on top of this.
The other boob which was prophy. mast.. has a huge band in the middle and it is squished upwards and hard. The PS said that he might not be able to fix it joy !!!
I stepped on my DH's foot and moved on he was hollering ouch.. I did not even realize it.. thanks neuropathy !
Hair .. fuzz.. or fur something grey is growing out I am too tempted to go platinum since it is mainly white.
I am having a hard time enjoying my friends conversations everything sounds soo lame/stupid now.
I am obsessed with this site and have to be on it 24X7... although I love you all I really would like to have a non-virtual life too maybe I might wean myself to check the site twice daily only.
Someone sent me a link to a video of a Carnegie Melon professor who is dying from pancreatic cancer saying ' you have to see his last lecture.. it is soo inspirational ' .... I got so upset after watching it.. I CAN NOT RELATE TO NON-BC PEOPLE ANYMORE !!!
I can not make plans for my retirement .. I can not imagine plan for 2 -3 years from now it is scary.
I am sick and tired of trying to figure out ' what is the right thing to eat' what is the right workout to do.
I want my carefree life back when my biggest problem was my cellulites on my thighs and the crows feet on my face !
Arhhhh... this really did feel good. Like a mental barf.
Mar 10, 2008 07:15PM Isabella4 wrote:
And, while I am moaning, I might say that today I actually finished something I started...an absolute major achievement for me, nowadays.
I bought myself a b-i-g footstool, but had to buy in a colour I didn't want, but I SO wanted the b-i-g stool !!
On Boxing Day I started to strip it off, ready to re-cover, and today, 77 ******* days later I was able to wheel it into my sitting room, in all its glory, ridiculously expensive material covering it now, fancy piping all on its seams, and looking a million dollars.
Pre bc, this would have been a 3 or 4 afternoons job. I had to wait 'til we had had Christmas Dinner and the dining room table was free for me to get going, now the dining room looks empty, all my junk gone.
DH said 'what was wrong with the material that was on it when you bought it?' really burst my balloon!!!
I think this will have to be my swan song, its taken soooo much out of me, my fingers don't work, my arm doesn't work, and any hand sewing has been agonising.
I'm sure there will be lots more for me to moan about, if only my mind would work properly and I could remember.
Mar 10, 2008 07:42PM KariLynn wrote:
Traci - that sucks!
I haven't had hair since Jan 2007 and had to get scanned today - kiils my back to lie on the slab while they scan!
Next time roomie leaves without walking the dog, accidentally close it up in her room...
Mar 10, 2008 08:02PM my3girls wrote:
Sorry Hanna...no luch on the hair growing...maybe Traci will have luck with that one.
But here is the army to beat BOOTFACE!!!!
Mar 10, 2008 08:10PM Traci-----TripNeg wrote:
Misery loves company!
I know most of this is serious stuff to bitch about but am I the only one laughing? 77 ***** days later!! lol!!!
KariLynn...I feel the same way about scans...not to mention I am soooo claustrophobic (sp?) (why the hell can't we have spell check on here????) (or can we??). LOL about leaving the dog in her room! I could never do that though.....: - )
You know what you just reminded me of? When I was getting the Red Devil for the first time. The nurse had on the thickest rubber gloves I have ever seen. (Not really but, they were thicker than rubber gloves to clean with!) I asked her why she was wearing them and she said "oh...you have to be real careful not to get any of this on your skin...it will really burn." and I said "AND YOUR PUTTING IN MY VEINS????!!!!" Lovely. I wonder who thought of trying that?
Did daylight savings mess with anybody else? Like I need another reason to be tired!
Mar 10, 2008 08:13PM - edited Mar 10, 2008 08:14PM by Traci-----TripNeg
This actually looks like my hair.
I LOVE ERMA BOMBECK!!!
Mar 10, 2008 08:58PM newvickie wrote:
I LOVE IT I LOVE IT I LOVE IT.
So true...every single word. It sucks all the way around and no matter what you try to do its always "there". We don't do a lot of singing in the "dreamers thread" we do daydream and love though. No offense taken.
I am sick of the weight gain, the tamox side effects the lexapro and the xanex, the hotflashes...the whole damn mess.
My rose colored glasses haven't been working well lately.
Hugs to all