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Jun 20, 2019 11:39AM
Sophia Marie, I was just looking over this thread and realized that it makes me grateful. Its honesty. You made the initial post in May of this year, (2019) and stated that you are 6 years out from a diagnosis and STILL that ugly asshole in the backseat, that Cancer, can lean forward and scream in your ear and rattle the hell out of you.
I feel that I should no longer be bothered by the spectre of cancer. I feel this because there is a subtle pressure from many directions (even here on BCORG) that I should 'get on with my life' find a new normal (that phrase makes me barf) and skip through life joyfully dancing, twirling and singing, ain't it great to be alive, I'm so very lucky tra lee tra la.
Uh. Not what's happening.
Things have changed from those months following diagnosis and treatment. I do have a lifting of the clouds. I do not think about cancer 24/7 like I used to. But now when I DO think about it, which is still every day, it's worse. Hard to explain. When the spectre of cancer lifts and you have good days, a little joy and happiness sneak in, then when you DO remember that this could kill you long before you should die, that hits you like a ton of bricks. That is no longer the constant, annoying tap of cancer, it's like cancer makes a fist and with all its might hits you right in the middle of the face.
Other people do not grasp this concept and until it happened to me, neither did I. Knowing you are going to die makes you live a different way. Not always a more comfortable way or more pure way. Getting cancer did not turn me into a saint. It just scared the shit out of me and has left me with a deep, deep grief that I can't shake. Oh, I live my life. But I have sorrow in a way that I never did. Because life is short. And people die. And it's stupid. Death is stupid.
I appreciate that someone, 6 years out, will admit that this is STILL in the back of their mind. Back? Hah, FRONT, where everything you do you have to look around it and push it out of the way and sometimes it's all we can see. Blah. Thank you to everyone who has given up the pretense of pretending this never happened, pretending that life goes back to normal. Oh, life goes on alright. But like it was before? No. Everything is the same and nothing is the same. How do you explain that? But everyone here knows what I mean.
3/23/2017, IDC, Left, 2cm, Stage IIB, Grade 2, 0/1 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
4/12/2017 Lumpectomy: Left; Lymph node removal: Sentinel
7/5/2017 Whole-breast: Breast
Tamoxifen pills (Nolvadex, Apo-Tamox, Tamofen, Tamone)