How to deal with my emotions during radiation treatments

Does it help at all that the treatments themselves are way faster? You really barely get on the table and positioned and then they go out of the room, you get instructions by speaker and it's over quickly.

I'd also invite you to think about this in terms of its curative properties. This is an incredible opportunity to access potentially life saving health care that's denied to many around the world and throughout history. Every time that machines around me zoom around and make pinging noises etc I do think about all the inventors, scientists, engineers, physicists, chemists, physicians, biologists who are making all this happen & feel so grateful.

I agree with moth.....I too felt grateful to live in a country with excellent health care.

Focus on the great treatment you are receiving. You will be fine!!!

Best wishes..

Hi. Sending my best wishes to you for a fast treatment. You will feel much better when it’s all over. I focused on that countdown-instead of ringing that bell I would have thrown it out the window!

My first simulation failed so got mapped again and was treated in the prone position. This was just a bit more work for the machine yet in and out. Other techs asked to come in as they had not seen anyone being treated that way. I was treated at the hospital that was treating patients with every type of cancer. It was very chaotic, lots of waiting, a couple of schedule time screw ups. As I got going I made a few friends in the waiting room. One was an elderly man with lung cancer just getting out of chemo. I let him go ahead of me a few times. A lady with bladder cancer which required her bladder being full for treatment. So if it was a long wait on a day I would let her go ahead of me as well. A breast cancer patient feeling just as you, in tears and felt like a number. I tried to assure her it will get better

Among what I thought was a circus, the techs and RO were professional and I had excellent care.

Activewoman, my "tatoos" were tiny red dots--emphasis on the were as they are no longer visible. They have worn off all on their own. I had to ask for them because I was so stressed about not washing off the big black marks they were using otherwise, especially with showering daily to have clean skin for the treatment. Also did not want the black to rub off into my clothes. Hoping your experience goes smoothly from here on. And feel free to cry when you need to!

ActiveWoman - Shetland posted great comments. It is a nightmare even when things turm out ok in the end. Ask for a warm blanket, even if they promise to move you out quickly. Stay hydrated and as active as you can. Mild fatigue was the biggest SE for me. Once while making a 2 1/2 hour drive, I had to pull over in a wide spot, and rest for a while. After my last radiation treatment, I liberated the gowns that the facility provided and took it to book group that night. Everyone wrote well wishes on the gown. Then one person burned/smudged the sage she had brought, then we burned the gown in a fire pit. The ceramony felt great. Afterwards, we socialized, then talked about the book.

Try to keep in mind that it's the CANCER that violated you and is the enemy. The radiologist, technicians and the machines are part of your army to fight it, and they are on YOUR side.

Hi Activewoman. For me, it was ditto re what CM2020 said above. I absolutely hated it and cried often. It doesn't mean that you are not glad that there is some form of treatment that might help. Lying on your back and being exposed in that way just triggers a natural vulnerability and fear. I think they should try harder to make people more comfortable. I did manage to have them keep me covered at all times, except for the very short zapping time. I had asked the dr and she had them do that, but I always felt like I was a bit of a pain to them for that reason. It is just another day for them and they really don't connect to the feelings. I've read elsewhere on this forum that many don't care at all and it doesn't bother them. They say they have a "you just do what you have to do" sort of attitude or "who cares who sees me", etc., but I just didn't feel that way at all. It's more than just people seeing you too, it's that "on your back and exposed" vulnerability. I felt like an upside down bug you see on the sidewalk - vulnerable to all sorts of things and very scared. It didn't matter to me whether it was men or women. I know some talk about always having or wanting women to do these things, but to me it's the person, individually, not the gender per se. There are a whole lot of women I don't want sticking their hands all over me and seeing me either.

You will get through it though, and you will be so, so happy when it's over! I also didn't get into the ringing the bell thing at all. For me personally, it was sort of dumb and I didn't want to be focused on at the little ceremony or anything, so I chose not to participate in the thing. On the other hand, I know it means a whole lot to many and I do respect that. One of the other women I befriended in the waiting room asked me to please come to her "graduation", meet her family, and be there for her to ring the bell, and I was happy to go for her and very happy for her that she got so much out of it.

Good, good luck to you. It will just be hindsight one day and it will be sooner than you think.

Activewoman so glad to read your update. It sounds like you were able to reclaim that feeling of safety and security and you were a strong advocate for yourself.

I did take advantage of counseling through my care team; I didn't start seeing her until after radiation was complete, partly because as you say you've got the daily routine handled. I couldn't have started sooner myself. It's been very helpful as I'm a survivor of early childhood sexual assault with pretty bad PTSD.

Re the fatigue. That one was the one that nearly undid me. My dad (a retired MD) had warned me that I might have a lot of fatigue and I blew him off. He was right, I didn't start feeling my normal Energizer Bunny self for another five months. I am not saying that to say you will have the same experience, just offering another data point.

Exactly--I realized pretty quickly with that fatigue that it didn't matter if I ran or didn't run. I was going to be out of gas anyway so I might as well run. I ran all the way through radiation and last year went on to get several first place age group finishes in some 10Ks. Take that, stupid cancer and radiation and all the rest of it.

Hi Activewoman,

I'm an avid runner, have been for years and found that my heart rate spiked to dangerous levels within 30 to 60 seconds of starting a run (like 180+ bpm). I've tracked my heart rate for years and that's not normal for me. The only thing that had changed was me taking tamoxifen--I ran the week after my lumpectomy and all through radiation w/ no heart rate issues so that was pretty much the end of tamoxifen for me.

My MO recommended tamoxifen for me rather than an AI because I have mild osteoporosis--I fractured my pelvis from running. I had my reservations regarding side effects but decided I would at least give it a try. For me, this is the right decision and should I have a recurrance, I won't beat myself up for not taking it.

Good luck as you wrap up radiation and then make your own decision re tamoxifen.

Activewoman, I understand. I asked not to get the tattoos but they said I had to. I haven't gotten around to getting them removed, some places will remove them for free for survivors. I checked into it and the website said I had to get the RO's permission, and that lady was good, but I don't want to have to ask for permission. Anyway, I actually took a half of an anxiety med 30 minutes before rads and that helped me for the first couple of days. I used that time in the rad chamber to pray and imagine those beams were healing light. it really is terrible for some of us, I really did not want to be radiated, who does? But, I did it. I did ring the bell, but I was very emotional about it. Still glad I did it though.

Activewoman, I am brand new here and I had to sign up so I could reply to your post as what you said described me exactly! I am so glad you are almost done with radiation and can put it behind you. I finished the end of May 2020. I had the same experience with my setup appointment, it was one of the worst experiences of my life, I felt completely violated and humiliated. I was not told what was to be done so I was shocked to find myself alone in a large, open room with a male technician doing my setup. I was quickly on the table and uncovered waist up and told not to move as he fitted me into a mold. I was very upset that during most of what he was doing I could easily have been covered up. Some other unidentified male came into the room to bring him something, my male RO came in to mark me for the field, then the first guy continued his work. I was also strong armed into tatoos which I very much regret. They were very painful and are an ugly reminder I see daily. Also they are MUCH larger then the example the nurse showed me on her hand to convince me! The worst part of the experience was when he pulled out his camera and took several pics of me, didn't even say a word about what he was doing, just did it. Due to my head being slightly turned away and wearing a face mask he never saw the tears rolling down my face. I do believe this particular person has come to see this as all in a days work, but it's NOT to US!! I also hear many woman say that by the time they hit radiation they don't care anymore, they've lost their modesty and don't care who looks, pokes or prods. And to them I say more power to you, I WISH I could be like that but I'm not and many of us are not. So it's really important for all of us to speak up, I so regret not saying anything. We DO still have our dignity and modesty and it should be respected!

ColliesAlways - is there any possibility that you could have a friend with you until it is time for the radiation. My experience was not like yours, unpleasant yes, but I did feel like I was treated professionally. One problem I did encounter was a summons for jury duty. I asked the social services person to write a note why I needed to be excused. The letter was horribe and went into all this detail that did not need to be there. I told him what was wrong with the letter, that it only needed to say that I was under a DR care and could not do jury duty until I was through with treatment. He was surprised that I thought the letter needed to be rewritten, but he rewrote it. It would be nice to have an advocate 24/7 , again maybe a friend could help. I am learning to stand up more for myself, but do get depressed at times that it has to be so hard.

Activewoman: So you are done with rads now right? I've been to busy to get on the boards so I haven't replied. I have been surprised as well that most of the places I've been for treatment don't seem to have a patient advocate. My medical building does but I have had no complaints with them, they have been so fantastic there from day one. I have a follow up in Nov. with my new RO who took over when the male RO left. I do plan to kindly let her know a few things could be improved!

BlueGirlRed: I'm glad you spoke up and got your letter issue straightened out! Learning to speak up for myself is something I am really working on and getting better at.

Arabiansrock: Love your name, they really do don't they! Love them! Thanks for your comments. I usually do the same thing and think about how situations that stress me could be so much worse but that particular day I fell off the deep end and nothing was going to help me lol! I am done with rads but when I see my RO for follow up I do intend to offer some suggestions and hopefully they will, at the very least, do a refresher course with their staff on having consideration for patients who are going through treatment.