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Nov 30, 2011 05:39AM
I think fear of death is normal...even those that swear religion and an afterlife --I can't imagine they have no fear. Maybe not fear of what will happen, but fear or regret or something similar since no one KNOWS what happens, we can only create our own opinions. That's my thinking anyway. And of course, the fact that we have had breast cancer makes it more viable as cause of death than, say, heart attack or stroke...at least for the moment...sigh. My father had a massive heart attack on a December evening and called to say he was in horrible pain ...of course would not go to the doctor and assumed it was "the flu"..oy. In FEBRUARY, he finally went to the doc. He had a lingering and long end, humiliation of diapers not getting to bathroom on time, nursing home for rehab, etc....his dignity and the pain of the heart attack. He also had a mild stroke 15 or so years prior and had only minor issues, but many people have strokes that render them vegetables.
I agree, I think going quickly and not having to be in pain is every person's dream and of course, dying like George Burns, 100 years old, wealthy enough to have his needs met, then going in his sleep. But we don't get to pick.
Pain meds and hospice and who knows what else is available so first, STOP thinking about dying. When I freak out about death (and who doesn't go to the ugly place here), I remind myself that EVERYONE...ALL OF US, will die. It isn't like some punishment I will be getting for lack of being good or whatever I am blaming myself at the moment....some of us just go sooner than others.
I hope all of us go like Julia Child...92, eating well, drinking well, having lots of friends and doing something joyful througout.....she had mastectomy and that was that.....
I sometimes wonder if we just know too much these days and if these thoughts affect our outcome. I'd like to think that is not the case, but days when I dwell on whether my cancer is aggressive or not or if it will come back....I try to think of other things ...try...I try....because I ultimately don't get to decide. Maybe that is what makes it frustrating. We'd like to think not having healthy habits can create heart attacks or strokes (but I have known patients who did it all right and even had great cholesterol numbers and still they had heart attacks) where BC is so out of our control an flung on us...
Just know you are not alone......we are all worried. I don't think it makes any difference the stage or type of cancer.
Dx 4/07 1 month before turning 50; ILC 1.8cm, ER+/PR+, HER2 neg., Stage 1, Grade 2, 0/5 nodes. Onco score 20, Bilateral Mast., tamoxifen 3-1/2 years, arimidex-completed 4/20/2012