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Apr 27, 2019 04:35PM
I know this is a REALLY old thread, but I happened on it today and read through all the comments, nodding along with most of them.
I'm pretty positive, pragmatic, even-tempered, pleasant. I also don't like to talk about myself generally, so usually people don't know what I'm thinking or feeling about things. Right now not many people in my bigger life know about my bc, and if I don't have chemo (don't know yet,) many of them may never know.
But whether people know or not know, it seems like it's my job to manage their response to it! Like, don't tell them so they don't say stupid things or demand energy from me I want to spend on my health. Or do tell them, and then deal with how they react. I saw a co-volunteer the other day and he said, "it must be very stressful." I almost said "no," if you can believe that. Because I'm used to minimizing how I really feel about anything negative. But I caught myself and agreed "yes, yes it is very stressful." He is a very kind man and I appreciated his comment, and was glad I was able to be honest if brief.
I feel like talking with my 3 children will be some of the most difficult. (They do know about the cancer and that I'm doing well post-surgery.) None of them are local to me. Son and his wife have a new baby, are selling their house and preparing to move halfway across the country, etc. Daughter on the east coast has plenty of issues of her own, as does the daughter closer to us. They all love me and want the best for me, but I'm not sure what their CAPACITY for waiting through my thinking or talking about it is. Capacity, like they are already full because of their own lives.
So attitude -- I have a pretty good attitude. Someone in a comment above said consider the worst thing and the best thing and probably what will happen is somewhere between those. It's pragmatic. Get 'er done. But the river of my thoughts and emotions keeps rising, not yet threatening to spill over the banks, but it's high!
I dunno. Maybe seeing a therapist who is not emotionally connected to me would be helpful, let me say stuff that I don't feel like I can share elsewhere. Funny thing, though. I have pretty good health insurance (it seems!) but I don't have any coverage for mental health care.
The rain comes and the rain goes, but the mountain remains. I am the mountain.