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Topic: Dating Post Mastectomy as A Lesbian

Forum: LQBTQA+ With Breast Cancer —

A special and safe place for the LGBTQ community diagnosed with breast cancer to connect.

Posted on: Jun 30, 2010 05:58AM

angiehoops wrote:

Just checking this out with my lesbian sisters out there.....I have read a lot about dating post mast. and it seems to involve only men stories. But do you all think being a lesbian here makes it a bit easier? After my BC my 8 year relationship ended. Basically things got really serious for a couple of years, then it was like we came out of it not knowing where the other went..That is a big summary!

Anyway, I came out of that feeling really damaged and unworthy. I no longer had my breasts, but implants without the nipple.....still have not gotten that done. I was terrified to date again, and went a year and a half without putting myself out there so to speak.

I have really come into myself again, and feel very happy and confident. My first dating experience was with a girl in her late twenties. I was 42. When it came time that we were going to be intimate, I sort of froze. Her response was beautiful. She told me she had seen a pic of my on facebook with my hair growing back after chemo, and that she found me more attractive after seeing that. Now of course that is not knowing I had a mastectomy, I still had to get that out somehow....and the way things were heating up...FAST! I was sooooo nervous, but she was a God send. She made me feel absoutely beautiful, and helped me overcome my insecurities about my new body! I owe so much to her. We are no longer together, but are very close to this day.

Since then, another year went by, I continued to feel better and better about myself everyday. Lately I have been attracting several women.....feels arrogant to say that, but I attribute it to feeling so good about myself, I am now able to attract those around me. Trust me, I am not an arrogant person, it just feels so good to actually be attracting beautiful women!

I still get nervous when it comes to anything physical, and have only gone there with one other person, but what I am posting about, is that it seems women are more accepting of our bodies post mastectomy than men. I have not had any negative experience with women as of yet. What I am finding is that they tend to feel my apprehension and worry relating to my body, and just want to embrace me fully. I think it is soooo touching, and a fast way to my heart for sure...You gotta love women!

I am currently at the beginning of a relationship with what will be my third run out of the gate since BC. We have been having long phone conversations....she lives in canada...I know, that presents its own set of issues...lol

She knows I had breast cancer, but not much beyond that. I have sort of dropped hints here and there, testing the waters so to speak, and what the hell........she is still talking to me! Now here begins the tough part...When to tell the whole story. We got pretty close to it tonight, and I made mention that I dated a person (the one i mentioned above) that was able to make me feel good about myself again...then my heart jumped in my throat, and I simply said, she helped me so much and I will always love her for that. She began to ask more about it, but I found I just could not go there yet, and told her at another time I may be able to tell her more...She was very sweet and said, Okay, I will not push it for now....Then she said, "I just want to hold you right now and hug you!"

Think she gets it? I kinda got the feeling she knew, but was respecting my limit with it for now.

She is quite a bit younger than me......as for some reason is always the case not that i go looking for that....I don't! But I am learning that age does not mean less acceptance....I guess I was judging thinking that a younger beautiful woman would be less accepting, but just like my first intimate partner after BC I am finding I am wrong to assume that.

Anyways......all this rambling is to say that while being a lesbian in and of itself can be challenging in this life, I think when it comes to BC, it might be a blessing. I only make this judgement based on the stories I have read online about women dating men post mastectomy......

Any thoughts on this theory of mine? Any experiences anyone would like to share that support or do not support what I am talking about.

To all of you.......you are simply fantastic, beautiful women. Embrace yourself and the world will follow!

xoxox

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Jul 1, 2010 02:37AM sftfemme65 wrote:

I think its amazing that you have been able to find such incredible women.  Its hard to be singe out there, at least I think so but your story gives me hope.

Thanks

Teresa

Dx 11/28/2007, IDC, 2cm, Stage IIB, Grade 2, 3/20 nodes, ER-/PR-, HER2-
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Jul 4, 2010 09:37PM - edited Jul 18, 2010 06:39PM by cancersucks

This Post was deleted by cancersucks.
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Jul 12, 2010 05:02PM angiehoops wrote:

Please excuse my ignorance, but what does DH stand for? I agree, none of us wants to have our cancer return, but I try not to live in the fearful space and take each day as a beautiful one and go from there. I do wish I was fully confident with my reconstruction and am not sure I will ever get to the place where I am 100% secure with the way they look, and I am probably not alone in this, but I do miss the sensation that is now no longer there.

Teresa, I know you will find a lovely woman to journey with......

I am curious what the percentage of women with partners lost them after dealing with all the processes that one must go thru with cancer, surgeries, our fears, etc. It seems like I read somewhere that it is pretty high. In my case, she stayed with me during it all, we bought a home together, then when I was pretty much out of the woods, she said goodbye. But do have hope Teresa that your best days are not behind you, but ahead of you! All we can control is how we choose to perceive our world.....It is what it is, but how we perceive it can hurt or heal! Whenever I start to feel sadness, I simply do my best to switch my perception, because it is a perception that caused me the hurt to start with.......with practice, you will find you can shift it pretty quickly and be smiling again!

Best of luck to all of you......you are beautiful women

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Jan 6, 2011 01:33AM MADaboutHer wrote:

Joined BreastCancer.org just to post this reply:

I met the Love of My Life four years after her double mastectomy (and I was straight!).  She is the most beautiful woman I know; her smile takes my breath away.  May you have the same good fortune!

Sign me,

MADaboutHer

    

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Jan 3, 2012 11:14AM stillhere663 wrote:

I actually consider myself lucky. My partner dropped me Pre-mastectomy. She couldn't handle that her very pretty girlfriend would be less than perfect in in the looks department. The comments on this blog give me hope. I have a long way to go still, just on my second chemo and just lost all of my hair.

 Too bad she doesn't understand inner beauty!

Heartbroke but hopeful!

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Jan 11, 2012 07:49PM anonymice wrote:

I'm so sorry that happened, stillhere, and at such a difficult time for you, but I do absolutely think that women are generally genuinely less superficial than men.  Of course there are many good men, and there are many lousy women, but my boyfriend had more than one friend tell him things to the effect of "wow, it's great of you to stay with her anyway".  And I had a male 'friend' tell me essentially that I was lucky I still had a boyfriend.  Nimrod.  (Both of these people are pretty much perrenially single, too.  Not hard to figure that one out.)  Never heard any similar nonsense from any women.

You sound very strong and positive, and that is unquestionably beautiful.  

Dx 9/22/2010, IBC, ER-/PR-, HER2+
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Jan 17, 2012 09:53AM stillhere663 wrote:

Thank you for the response. I believe that these insensitive acts are not limited to a specific gender, rather a character set. Some people run toward a burning house...others run away.

I am three treatments in and kind of in the "what now" stage. It is just a little tough to remember that I am beautiful. I suppose all of us go through this because on some level we are vain in our own way.

I remain hopeful that I will find the right gal. I really want to love someone like that again.

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Jan 24, 2012 12:54PM - edited Jan 25, 2012 02:52AM by Moderators

Hello stillhere663

You will find the right gal because she will SEE all the amazing and beautiful things about you. Beauty starts from within..there are so many people who only tend to look on the outside. I work with women who have cancer everyday and I see the pain, the insecurity, the I'm not worthy or beautiful look, but what I emphasize to these women is to remember who you are..What's on the inside...because that beautiful light comes bursting through...I am a lesbian woman who lost my partner 2 years ago, dbl mastectomy and her beauty radiated thru her smile, her laugh, her eyes.

you have people who care and love you. Remain positive, and remember to SEE ALL of who you are. If you ever want to connect pls feel free to contact me.

(Edited by BCO moderator to remove member's personal email address. We strongly recommend that members only post personal information using Private Message to others they know and trust.)

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Jan 29, 2012 08:23AM stillhere663 wrote:

Thank you so much for your reply. Your partner was very lucky to have had you and I am truly sorry for your loss.

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Mar 10, 2012 09:26AM living4myson wrote:

I loved your message to us all.  I'm so afraid of dating right now because I feel the same way as you did in the beginning.  I just had a double mastectomy on Feb 9th, 2012.  I've been single before this all happened for 10 month.  As I'm going through the reconstruction I find myself asking how am I going to start dating and who will understand and want me.  How do I bring it up when that right person comes along in my life.  I'm not sure what to do.  I have a 10 year old son and right now he keeps me going.

living4myson
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Mar 17, 2012 12:58PM dolphinspirit67 wrote:

 Any other lesbians going it completely alone??

 I just started my treatment with a Double mastectomy and all lymph nodes removed from the left and soon to be done on the right. dating seems like it will be an impossible thing or better extreamly difficult thing to do. I am going through this alone completely any other lesbians going it completely alone??

Michelle :-) Dx 1/6/2012, ILC, 4cm, Stage IIB, Grade 2, 0/40 nodes, HER2-
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Mar 17, 2012 03:26PM stillhere663 wrote:

My partner hit the road on me. I do have an estranged husband who has been a great friend and life saver. I guess that rules out alone, but as far as a partner that I want and can be there for me ...none here. It really smacks you in the face doesn't it. I think all the time about who will ever understand and want me.

SH

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Apr 16, 2012 11:09AM elmarie wrote:

You're unfortunately not the only lesbian doing it alone (for now?)- There are surely more of us on the other side of Mother Earth. Keep up your beautiful smile and see what happens next... 

Dx 2/5/2012, IDC, 3cm, ER+/PR+
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Apr 17, 2012 01:39AM - edited Apr 17, 2012 01:51AM by mutt1963

Dolphinspirit, been there and still doing that. Its tough, more tough mentally than it is physically. I had a BMX with some nodes removed from both sides in June of 2011, had a family member stay with me for 2 weeks then just me and the 2 dogs through 5 1/2 months of chemo and 6 weeks of radiation. No reconstruction. I haven't really had time to think about much other than treatment choices, ways around chemo brain and when the next doctors appointment is. Feel free to PM me at any time but right now I got nothing on dating. Ended a 10 year relationship 9 months before diagnosis.

Leave me with the driving/riding parts! Dx 6/3/2011, IDC, 3cm, Stage IIB, Grade 1, 4/11 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 6/14/2011 Lymph node removal: Left, Right, Sentinel, Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy: Left, Right; Prophylactic ovary removal Dx 6/16/2011, ILC Chemotherapy 7/20/2011 Adriamycin (doxorubicin), Cytoxan (cyclophosphamide), Taxotere (docetaxel) Radiation Therapy 12/28/2011 Breast, Lymph nodes Hormonal Therapy 3/13/2012 Arimidex (anastrozole)
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Jul 13, 2012 09:10PM - edited Jul 13, 2012 09:38PM by jingie

Hola Dolphin/Michelle

Hope you are well.

Ive just joined this forum and saw ur post (and many others). I too am going at this alone.

My spouse of 5 years says she no longer feels intimacy and passion cuz of our unforseen sexless relationship and is choosing to bail. It is what it is rt.now and UNFORTUNATELY ....she is sooo fricken selfish...So im glad I found this page.

Take care ...keep moving foward...It would be nice to chat sometime....peace out!

Dx 2/22/2012, IDC, 6cm+, Stage II, Grade 2, 2/4 nodes, mets, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 3/22/2012 Mastectomy: Right; Prophylactic mastectomy: Left Chemotherapy 5/3/2012 Cytoxan (cyclophosphamide), Taxotere (docetaxel)
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Sep 3, 2016 07:47PM jenco60 wrote:

Hi Sister,

I am post Lumpectomy, still getting radiation 30 treatments to go, on Herceptin and I have no hair. I am a single hard working Lesbian. I work full time as a College Professor and it is TOUGH meeting anyone out there that has been through cancer treatment and wants to hang out.

I think we need a group created for Lesbians with Cancer and help each other out. I get very lonely and wish I had someone to go to a movie or out to dinner that did not mind me wearing a hat. I get tired of men calling me sir. I just want to get through the treatments and get my life back.


I feel your pain sister.


Jen

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Sep 3, 2016 10:02PM - edited Mar 30, 2017 09:15PM by magiclight

This Post was deleted by magiclight.
Surgery 4/27/2015 Mastectomy: Left, Right Dx IDC, 1cm, Stage IA, Grade 1 Surgery

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