I have been away from the boards these past few months because I have been afraid to confess that I gave up fighting my cancer, and made the decision to go on hospice. I was afraid of the responses I would get from those stronger women who have fought cancer longer than I have, and I didn't want to upset anyone. I have checked the boards a couple times a week to see how everyone has been doing. I have mourned when other sisters have lost their battle to this horrible disease. I have missed chatting with you all, but simply have not had the energy to stay on the computer, and typing is difficult because I have lost about 75% of the use of my right hand due to tumor growing in my armpit and shoulder that are compressing the nerves.
After doing 2 years of continuous treatments, each of which failed to beat the cancer, I decided I was sick of being sick from chemo, and not from cancer. As I made the transition from fighting the cancer, to treating the pain and problems from the cancer, I have felt better than I have in years. I am sleeping more, and I know that my body is being taken over by the cancer. My hospice team keep me very comfortable, and are able to manage all of the pain and discomfort that I have.
When I quit chemo, my oncologist gave me 3 months to live. It has been more than 3 months now, and I am doing surprising well. With the aggressive IBC cancer that I have, my prognosis is grim, but for some reason it doesn't seem to be progressing as fast as everyone thought it would. I have been able to enjoy the summer and go on a couple of trips with my family, and a cruise to Mexico with my husband. I never would have been able to do these things while I was doing chemo. I would have simply been too sick.
I am truly at peace with my decision. I know it was the right decision. I am a woman of faith, and I know that God's plan was not for me to beat my cancer. I know He has a purpose for calling me home early, and I know that I will be my children's guardian angel after I die. I know that God will take care of my family, and that they will be comforted through this difficult time.
There are days when I long for heaven, and days when I long to stay here on Earth. It is hard to deal with emotionally sometimes. I have been reading a lot of books about death and dying, and life after death. I know that there is life after death. And I know that the life after this one is peaceful, wonderful and beautiful. I don't WANT to die, but I know that this is what is meant to be.
I will try to check in with everyone more often. I love all of you, and am so grateful for all of the support this site of sisterhood has given me throughout my battle with cancer.
Like the heading of this forum, I am trying to live well, and trying to die well. It is a difficult thing to do.
Every day is a gift...........www.amberchase.weebly.com
5/10/2007, IBC, 6cm+, Stage IV, Grade 2, 3/5 nodes, mets, ER+/PR+, HER2+
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