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Topic: Erin (FTM) are you ok?

Forum: Stage IV and Metastatic Breast Cancer ONLY —

A place for those managing the ups & downs of a Stage IV/metastatic breast cancer diagnosis. Please respect that this forum is for Stage IV members only. There is a separate forum For Family and Caregivers of People with a STAGE IV Diagnosis.

Posted on: Aug 30, 2007 05:58PM

LuAnnH wrote:

I hate being paranoid, but when regulars disappear I worry. Are you doing ok? I hope all is going well with your chemo and it is just that you are resting.

LuAnn
LuAnn -- Dx 7/2/2006, IDC, 2cm, Stage IV, mets, ER+/PR+, HER2+
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Aug 31, 2007 03:36AM jacqniel wrote:

Hey, LuAnn,
Erin has been posting this week, so hopefully she is doing ok. Jacque
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Aug 31, 2007 05:29AM ForTheMoment wrote:

Hi LuAnn..

Thank you so much for your concern. Yeah, I'm still hanging around. I had a really bad couple of weeks physically, now I'm having a bad week emotionally. Normally I'm pretty darn chipper considering, but this week, can't seem to stop the faucet of tears. I guess with the progression, change of treatment, bad reaction to treatment etc. it just all brought cancer back to front and center. Last night I had a good ol' fit with punching things, throwing things, sobbing.. probably more than I have since I found out I was Stage IV. I feel better today. Probably needed it. I think I just found the whole thing so daunting last night. it isn't the disease itself that had me so sad last night, but the longing for a simple life. Longing for days when I didn't worry about every pain, everything I put into my mouth, guilt over everything that feels good (beer, ice cream, etc.) and just the knowing that this is forever..and then of course, how short forever might actually be. Sheesh. See??? I'm not quite out of my funk. I just keep throwing the phrase around that it isn't fair. Well duh! It isn't fair that any of us are going through this, that our children are losing their moms one by one, that our parents are losing their children, which just isn't natural. Last night I had the horrible image in my head of my mom at holidays after I'm gone. It will break her heart. We are the best of friends. Then to hear of Shelli's struggles, breaks my heart all over again this morning. I know that she is ready, but I'm sure her kids aren't. It just isn't fair... She has so much more life to live! I sometimes don't know if I'm more sad for me, or for those that I will leave behind. I realize how defeated I sound right now, and I promise that isn't how I truly feel. It is just one of those weeks. I'll bounce back soon. Sorry to sound like such a basket case.. I know none of us like to hear any of us are hurting, but I can't lie and say I'm a happy girl today.

Thank you again for your concern.

Love and hugs to all....

Putting on my game face..

Erin
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Aug 31, 2007 06:02AM jonimb wrote:

Erin, you are entitled to feel like you feel. It is at least one thing that cancer can't take away from us. I hear your pain in your email, and just know that there are many of us on this list rooting for you, and knowing that this new treatment you are on will turn things around.

Give your pretty little daughter a big hug, go out for a nice walk, and try to clear yourself of bad feelings.

We are always here for you.

Big hugs.....Joni, Chestermere, Alberta, Canada
Joni, Chestermere, AB, Canada, Today is the BEST day of my life EVER!! Dx 9/25/2006, IDC, 4cm, Grade 3, 1/15 nodes, mets, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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Aug 31, 2007 06:25AM badboob67 wrote:

Erin,
I've been in the same kind of emotional place as you lately. I also know that I'll get through it and be more positive and upbeat soon.

We NEED to have these times to process our emotions--to face our anger and fears. Cancer truly stinks!

You know, always before in my life if I found myself in a difficult situation I managed to get through it by reminding myself that it was only temporary. You know: this, too shall pass...Well, metastatic breast cancer isn't temporary. Even if I was told I am NED tomorrow, the fear wouldn't leave. We can't "take a vacation" from cancer.

You don't sound like a basket case at all. You say, "but I can't lie and say I'm a happy girl today," which I totally identify with. I posted on another thread about what cancer has done TO me and the main thing is that it has turned me into a LIAR.

I truly believe if we didn't have these kinds of thoughts or fears that there would be something wrong. It's obvious to me that you are a kind and caring person who is not only going through a difficult physical experience, but who is hurting and angry about an awful disease that hurts so many people.

Game face? Sure...let's "fake it till we make it". Even though cancer isn't temporary, these down times--thankfully--are.

I'm sending big (((hugs))) your way and you can bet you're in my prayers.

Much love to you, Erin...and here's to happier days just over the horizon!

Diane
When you're down to nothing, GOD is up to something! bb67.wikispaces.com/ Dx 2/15/2006, IDC, 5cm, Stage IV, Grade 2, 24/27 nodes, mets, ER+/PR-, HER2-
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Aug 31, 2007 06:33AM LuAnnH wrote:

I think we are all struggling and reassessing things. When someone is struggling it makes you have to look and really face this illness. I sat and had alot of tears last night, because Wednesday another lady who was 41 and left a 4 year old died of bc. Just absolutely heart breaking. I don't think our friends and family understand how we feel. As I had my tears friends and family would tell me now don't you give up because someone else is in dire straights. Well DUH....but it doesn't mean I can't be sad and angry that this is happening. With all the expertise, research, money and knowledge that has gone into research.....why on earth isn't there a cure for this beast!!!!

Then here I sit knowing I am doing well right now with my disease. Feeling guilty that I am responding to tx and others are not. I just don't think we can win for losing.

Go have your pity party, but if you get to low, please holler so we can help pick you back up!

LuAnn
LuAnn -- Dx 7/2/2006, IDC, 2cm, Stage IV, mets, ER+/PR+, HER2+
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Aug 31, 2007 07:04AM SarahR wrote:

Quote:
I think I just found the whole thing so daunting last night. it isn't the disease itself that had me so sad last night, but the longing for a simple life.



Erin, I usually don't respond to posts like this because I feel that, because I don't actually have breast cancer, I don't have the right. But I just couldn't resist the urge to tell you that your post really struck home with me. You truly have a way with words - I've been mentally punching things and throwing a tantrum since last week when we found that the cancer is now in my mom's brain. Her liver, her lungs, her bones, and now her brain. It's just f-ing not fair. It's not fair that you're having to think about leaving your daughter. It's not fair that I waited and waited for the "right time" to have kids, and now they'll never know their grandmother because of my stupid "waiting." I hate this disease and what it does to the people who have it and people who love the people who have it. My mom is my best friend. How can I have Christmas without her? How can I function, and work, and live once she's gone? How will I ever laugh again? I know these are all rhetorical questions, and the last thing any of you need is to have me dumping on you... but holy crap, I wish there was something I could do to make it better. Better for you, better for my mom, better for Shelli, better for every lady and caregiver on this board whose lives will never be simple again.

I hope you're holding your head up today, and knowing that there are so many people who are loving you, supporting you, holding you up - people who you've never even met. You're a trooper.
Sarah R in SC
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Aug 31, 2007 07:19AM ForTheMoment wrote:

Thank you all so much.. I really can feel the support and it lifts me up a great deal. LuAnn you shut your mouth this instant! Don't you ever feel guilty that you are responding to treatment! Every one of us here are so very very very thrilled for you! That being said, I appreciate your feelings... sorry to tell you to shut your mouth.

Sarah... you too.. shut your mouth. You have every right to post here. You need the support just as much as any of us actually going through the disease.. at least I know I would if it was my mom.

Diane... you said it great with the "there is no this too shall pass." People actually have the nerve to say that to me when I'm down.. this too shall pass.. Ok, maybe my down mood will, but the cancer won't.

Fair of me to go on a tantrum, then tell you all to shut your mouths, huh? Sorry... just really hate it when people feel bad for anything they say... myself included. This is our "safe place" whether we are the patient, or the caregivers... this is where we can truly say what we feel. I'd be lost without it.

Thanks again to you all... amazing how much strength I can pull from people I've never met.
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Aug 31, 2007 07:21AM LuAnnH wrote:

glad to see at least I made you smile
LuAnn -- Dx 7/2/2006, IDC, 2cm, Stage IV, mets, ER+/PR+, HER2+
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Aug 31, 2007 08:37AM Kasey wrote:

Erin,

I'm glad you spoke up. I get those days/weeks where I feel like that too. The worse thing is I feel like there is nobody I can vent to. My husband is really supportive but I know how hard it is for him to hear me say those kind of things. I'm sure I would feel the same way if I were him. I was dx with mets in February but the stage IV seems to really be hitting me hard lately. Maybe its the progression I've had with each scan. Anyhow, hugs to you Erin.

Kasey
Mets in liver, lungs, bones and chest nodes. Dx 2/25/2007, Stage IV, Grade 3, mets, ER-/PR-, HER2-
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Aug 31, 2007 10:55AM Paulette531 wrote:

Quote:
I think we are all struggling and reassessing things. When someone is struggling it makes you have to look and really face this illness. I sat and had alot of tears last night, because Wednesday another lady who was 41 and left a 4 year old died of bc. Just absolutely heart breaking. I don't think our friends and family understand how we feel. As I had my tears friends and family would tell me now don't you give up because someone else is in dire straights. Well DUH....but it doesn't mean I can't be sad and angry that this is happening. With all the expertise, research, money and knowledge that has gone into research.....why on earth isn't there a cure for this beast!!!!

Then here I sit knowing I am doing well right now with my disease. Feeling guilty that I am responding to tx and others are not. I just don't think we can win for losing.

Go have your pity party, but if you get to low, please holler so we can help pick you back up!

LuAnn



With all the expertise, research, money and knowledge that has gone into research.....why on earth isn't there a cure for this beast!!!!


LuAnn, you will probably think I am totally nuts, but this is what a vet told me about cancer when my cocker spaniel (Paris) developed a rare form of nasal carcinoma.

I was having my beloved Paris "put to rest" when I asked the vet the same thing you asked above and he said "we will have the cure when we find out why that first cell divides", it made a lot of sense to me. It didn't ease the moment or any other moment of my own battle but it did make sense where the race for the cure is concerned.
It's raining it's pouring the old man is snoring..."never never never give up" Winston Churchill Dx 11/3/2003, IDC, 3cm, Stage II, Grade 2, 3/12 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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Aug 31, 2007 01:20PM katie11 wrote:

Hi Erin,

We all feel your pain with you, sweetie, and you are absolutely right, of course, this whole damn thing is just so unfair. Everything that you are feeling just now is completely understandable and there is not one of us on these boards who hasn't been through this one way or another many times over - I know I have. It is almost impossible to try and explain the emotional roller coaster of breast cancer to others and I am just so grateful that I have all the wonderful women on these boards to turn to when I need to. Always remember that we are here for you, Erin, that we care about you deeply and are rooting for you all the way.

Hugs,

Katie xx
Hope for the best, prepare for the worst! Dx 7/15/2006, ILC, 2cm, Stage IV, Grade 2, mets, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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Aug 31, 2007 03:05PM ForTheMoment wrote:

Thanks again all..

So I decided...F' it. Tonight I was cancer free. We went out for a nice medium cooked steak, bread, potatoe with loads of butter, two glasses of red wine, and Dairy Queen for dessert..

I've been really good lately, eating healthy, not drinking, walking....but funny thing is... still felt down. Decided tonight was a night for...well...basically...not giving a shit. (for lack of better words)

Probably will hate myself in the morning for it, but boy do I feel good right now. My DH, daughter and I had a lovely evening out, all the bad for us things... frankly, just what the doctor ordered. Now I'm going to go tuck her into bed and cuddle up on the couch and watch some funny movie to keep the good mood rolling.

Thanks again for being there... I'm feeling much better this evening...

Love and hugs..

Erin
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Aug 31, 2007 03:41PM jacqniel wrote:

Good for you - I think your evening WAS just what the doctor ordered. Life is to be enjoyed - and you are doing just that. Hope this mood rolls right with you through out the weekend. Hugs, Jacque

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Aug 31, 2007 05:03PM KariLynn wrote:

Don 't let yourself feel guilty in the morning! Everyone deserves a night out once in awile to forget the cancer and enjoy life - there'd be less reason to go on fighting if we didn't get our pleasures now and then!!

If you can solve your problem, then what is the need of worrying? If you cannot solve it, then what is the use of worrying? Dx 6/2/2005, IDC, 2cm, Stage IV, 14/25 nodes, mets, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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Aug 31, 2007 06:56PM LuAnnH wrote:

I am so jealous! I was going to head up to the church festival tonight and thought I would enjoy a couple of beers and listen the music, basically have a great time. A good friend was in the ER and I ended up there with him. Like Kari said, don't feel guilty in the morning. Besides you can do all those things that are supposedly right and healthy and still get cancer so my motto is do what makes you happy! And personally dairy queen and I have been great friends here lately!

LuAnn
LuAnn -- Dx 7/2/2006, IDC, 2cm, Stage IV, mets, ER+/PR+, HER2+
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Aug 31, 2007 11:13PM katie11 wrote:

Yes, indeed, this sounds like just what the doctor ordered and I am so glad you are starting to feel better. Don't feel guilty for heaven's sake - haven't we got enough going on without throwing in guilt over having some junk food and a couple of glasses of wine? Enjoy!

Love and hugs,

Katie xx
Hope for the best, prepare for the worst! Dx 7/15/2006, ILC, 2cm, Stage IV, Grade 2, mets, ER+/PR+, HER2-

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