Sex. Why does it have to be so complicated? After 13 years of marriage plus 7 more years of dating, one would think we would have it down. But add cancer, chemotherapy and a
hysterectomy to the equation and we are fucked. Did I mention I am only 39?
When I first met my husband we had sex all the time. It was great for both of us. After 9 years of sex (2 years married), I was diagnosed with breast cancer (ER+) and our sex life started to suffer. We still aimed for a couple of times a week and I still wanted sex. Then my cancer
came back. A hysterectomy at 36 was the final nail in the coffin for our sex life.
Don't get me wrong. We still have sex. I try to make sure we do it at least once every two weeks. I think that is pretty good - better than the national average for the general population. And I have weekly chemotherapy for metastatic cancer and absolutely no sex drive. But ask my husband about our sex life and you get a completely different story.
I get that a man will always want more sex than he is having. I remember the times I wanted so
sex bad I could hardly wait. But now, our two married bodies are completely going in different directions and I do not know who the biggest loser in this department is.
Since we don't have sex as often as we used to, my husband prefers "quality to quantity." This
involves foreplay, role play and faking it. He argues that since he doesn't get it so much, it isn't too much to ask for me to play up the role, put on a wig (if I am bald at the time or just for a change) and put on some lingerie. While I understand his reasoning, I still get mad. It makes me feel like he can't have sex with just me - he has to have sex with some made up/memory laden version of me (or fantasy of something else).
I have no sexual desire at all. I could care less if I ever had sex again. I have tried everything I can think of to no avail. I can even masturbate for over an hour and still have no orgasm. Talk about feeling like a failure - if you can't make yourself orgasm, who the hell can?
When I do have sex, it hurts. It is drier than the freaking Sahara desert down there. I have had to get used to using insane amounts of lubrication (which makes me feel like less of a woman
because I used to make my own juices just fine thank you very much). I will admit that after the first 5 minutes or so, my vagina gets used to it or stretched out and it becomes lerable.............still
not enjoyable. So finally when it is all over (he comes) I am more than happy to be done.
I am left happy to have pleasured him but still barren inside. But yet, I wonder if he has it
worse than I do.
He is a very handsome and fit 41 year old. I do not want to have sex with him and no matter how hard he tries (and he does try very hard), I do not enjoy it. I would much rather have a quickie - the duty calls kind of sex.
Let me note here, that I am not depressed. I am probably one of the most well-adjusted
metastatic cancer patients that there you will meet. I take Effexor for hot flashes - but have
gradually increased my dosage to the maximum amount and so I am sure it helps
me stay positive too. I live my life to the fullest and we have a great life together - it is just our sex life that is lacking (my lack of desire his lack of action).
So where do we compromise? How do we compromise? I joke with him that his future wife will have lots of sex with him because he got the raw end of the deal with me. But you know what; I got the raw end too. I feel like he's an addict chasing the high and I am addict too far gone to care.
Thanks for letting me vent and get this off my chest before I go to sleep. I know that my marriage
will survive cancer but I feel bad for not meeting my husband's needs sexually. I have even told him that he could find a "girlfriend" or sex partner. Yet on the other hand, I am annoyed that he doesn't realize that he gets it better than most men do and I wish he could just accept this and move on.
I am open to any insight/suggestions/criticisms that you may have. This is not the first time I have posted about this topic and unfortunately it probably won't be the last. Thanks again for listening.
6/19/2008, IDC, Stage IV, 0/0 nodes, mets, ER+/PR-, HER2-
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