Jun 5, 2017 12:46PM - edited Jun 5, 2017 12:46PM by bigbhome

Jun 5, 2017 06:36PM - edited Jun 5, 2017 06:37PM by Scwilly

My eldest went to college two years ago, and now my youngest is off at the end of August.

No 1 went to Seattle, and No 2 is going to Boston. We live just north of LA - so both will be a flight away, with DS2 in a different timezone - almost closer to my homeland of England!.

Whilst I miss DS1 - we do have a wonderful relationship communicating by text most days, and regular calls or FaceTime. His often calling either my DH or myself to get help proof reading his essays. In fact - last summer, when he was back, I missed our text conversations and we texted most afternoons to check how he was getting on at work (he was a Bellboy/BellHop) and how many tips he had managed to make. DS2 is being instructed in text convos - has he's not quite as good a communicator! DS1 sometimes calls out of the blue to tell me about a great lecture he has. Only once did I get a real scare when I got a call from an unknown Seattle number - but it was only a nurse calling to checkup on him (thinking my phone was his) after he had a fall, and I was already aware of his cut chin.

When I went to college we had no phones and I called home from the college phonebook every now and again. My poor mother had to remind me to call home by once send me a letter just saying "Our telephone number is still 777724" (love how I can remember that 30+ years since)

Right now I am stable with my current treatment - and I keep thoughts of what might happen if my health changes well away - not ready to face that yet!

So I know I can't take away the sadness - but I will say there will many many good times and great communications to come.

Jun 6, 2017 10:13AM runor wrote:

I homeschooled my daughter her entire education. She was my companion from birth to 18. Hub worked an average of 55 - 70 hours a week for all those years. Not because he had to, because he wanted to. I was, effectively, a single parent.

Daughter and I did everything together. Went everywhere together. Used to drive through the rural back roads looking for old trucks and horses. I was at every event of her life. Our homeschooling did not keep us tied to the table doing book learning 5 days a week. We were very fluid and flexible and moved as the spirit told us. Because she didn't have to get up to go to school in the morning, there were many late winter nights, so cold and crystal clear, that we used to haul out the toboggans and go sliding through the snow, under the stars, laughing like fools.

When she got her own license, truck and then moved out, I was ready for her to go, encouraged her to go. In fact we were clashing so bad one of us had to go! But I crashed all the same. It hurt so bad some days I could hardly breathe. I would sit in this still, quiet, empty house and pray that my heart would stop. Just stop. Just stop beating. I truly felt that I had lived long enough and did not, at this point, need nor deserve to hurt so bad.

I take huge offense when people sweep the leaving of children under the rug as a minor life blip and tell parents (often moms) to get up and get on with life. Have you seen what happens to a man who invests his life in his job and then suddenly loses that job? That is a crisis !! But when a mother is suddenly faced with the unjobbing of her life and left in an 'empty nest' (that term makes me gag) it is often glossed over and the insensitive question of :what are you going to do now? gets blared in your face. Usually followed by lots of happy, upbeat suggestions and oh, having given your life and time over to the citizens you've just raised and invested in, step right into fulltime employment so you can give over even more of your time and energy to someone else's cause and don't miss a beat acting like kids leaving is a big deal, cause it isn't.

Well yes it is! Blainejennie, this is a big kick in a mom's solar plexus. Go ahead and feel lousy and DO NOT tell yourself to gloss over it by getting on with your life. It can be a horrible, painful time. It brings to light many things, not all of them good, like maybe your spouse has chosen to NOT be a companion in any way and you never realized how he ducked out of that obligation and responsibility - yet we reward and praise men who work in excess. We feel bad for them when they lose those jobs, those objects of their focus and desire. But when mom's are left behind as kids fly off... hey, what job are you going to do now, you old work horse you?

I cannot even imagine how much worse this is compounded with a cancer diagnosis. You are torn knowing your kids need to go and knowing that your time with them may be limited. I do not envy you. This has got to be indescribable. I am very, very sorry that you are in this situation. But do not belittle the pain of that empty place that is left when our children leave us. Things will never be the same again. Mourn. It is appropriate.

Jun 6, 2017 09:47PM artistatheart wrote:

Blainejennifer, It is pretty hard in the beginning. Like Kandy said, it was sad to know that chapter of life was over. However, after a few months I realized that things slowly slid in to fill my time and it actually became rather enjoyable to rediscover who I used to be, what I used to like to do before children. I was lucky I had 3 in a row so the emptying of the house was a little more gradual, but I did adjust and thrive. My two daughters live 9 hours away and we only see them about 2 or 3 times a year. So I do miss them terribly but we talk several times a week on FaceTime. I think your DH saying that about a full time cancer patient would be a little hurtful....