Topic: Anxious hubby looking for some advice/reassurance

Forum: Not Diagnosed But Worried — For those who are experiencing symptoms or received concerning test results, but haven't been diagnosed with breast cancer.

Posted on: Jan 13, 2022 06:10AM

Posted on: Jan 13, 2022 06:10AM

Anxioushubby123 wrote:

hello all, hope you are doing well.

so about 2 weeks back, my wife who is 28 and has no family history of cancer began to show changes in her right breast only. Her breast were tender and a long dent started to form. From the top of the breast towards her nipple. We immediately made an appt for her GP, and after visiting, the doctor told her she had some lumps under her breast. He gave her an appt to do an ultrasound.

Fast forward to today, we did the ultrasound, and the doctor was perplexed. He could feel the lumps and see the dent but nothing showed up on the ultrasound. No cysts, no masses, nothing.

Afterwards, we went to go see the breast specialist, he reviewed the ultrasound and said he was a bit concerned about the “fat placement” in the breast. After visibly inspecting and feeling the area, he decided that we should do an MRI. He did rule out, in his medical opinion, IBC which is a relief. Moreover he mentioned there was no swelling in the lymph nodes. He did also say that breast cancer is rare for someone in their late 20s, but without the MRI, if there was cancer, he couldn’t tell if it could be stage 1-3.

honestly, my wife is so strong and positive. But I’m such a negative anxious pessimistic person and I’m weighing her down, I’m panicking and I’m trying my best to not talk about it, google it, or show any negative emotions around her. So I found this forum! Thankfully. I’m just here to vent and see if I can get some opinions or just positive words on our situation.

thank you for taking the time to read this! Our MRI is in a week, so I’ll update when the time comes

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Jan 13, 2022 07:35PM pattik wrote:

I completely agree ThreeTree. Very similar, my husband has never missed an appointment, and spends more time researching and studying breast cancer than I ever care to. He knows more about the specifics of my cancer than I do. My MO laughingly called him "doctor" when he asked some questions that he probably doesn't get from non-medical people. Emotionally this has been very difficult for him as well. I like him using "we". That's my call to make.

Dx 3/02/2021, IDC, Right, 1.4cm, Stage IA, Grade 2, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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Jan 13, 2022 07:39PM mountainmia wrote:

pattik, yes, YOUR call. The patient should choose tthat, not the support person. Thanks for chiming in.

The rain comes and the rain goes, but the mountain remains. I am the mountain.
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Jan 13, 2022 07:56PM harley07 wrote:

Oh for heavens sake! Stop the hating on the ‘we’ pronoun. In the 18 months I’ve read this forum I have seen too many spouses, kids and concerned others pushed off this forum. BCO offers valuable resources for dealing with breast cancer. I’d hate see this forum become the domain of a only a few.

RAD51D mutation Surgery 11/5/2020 Lumpectomy; Lumpectomy (Right) Dx 11/10/2020, IDC, Right, <1cm, Stage IA, Grade 1, 0/2 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 11/20/2020 Lumpectomy; Lumpectomy (Right); Lymph node removal Radiation Therapy 1/8/2021 Hormonal Therapy 2/8/2021 Arimidex (anastrozole)
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Jan 13, 2022 08:52PM - edited Jan 13, 2022 08:52PM by kbl

Well said, Threetree and Harley07. When a woman has cancer, her spouse is also going through cancer. My husband will be left without me, so he's definitely going through it with me.

De Novo ILC - No primary found. Mets to full spine, femurs, skull, and stomach. Dx 5/1/2019, ILC, Stage IV, metastasized to bone/other, ER+/PR+, HER2- Hormonal Therapy 6/24/2019 Femara (letrozole) Targeted Therapy 6/24/2019 Ibrance (palbociclib) Chemotherapy 9/27/2021 Other
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Jan 13, 2022 08:59PM dres123 wrote:

Totally agree. Not sure why there’s so much push back here on using terms like “we.” It’s very frustrating and insulting to be 100% honest. My wife is going through treatment but it affects the whole family, including raising our four year old. We say “we” because we are a family. We rise together and we work through tough times together. Don’t let anyone disempower you from that or make you feel bad for being an amazing supportive husban. In fact, talk to your oncologist and medical team, they absolutely welcome husbands and spouses to be involved.

OP—feel free to DM me if you need additional support or someone to talk to who’s a husband along for the journey

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Jan 13, 2022 09:01PM dres123 wrote:

To add color, when my wife was first diagnosed, I got berated here for saying “we” as well. I quit the site but had no where else to go, and came back under a different username.

Please let’s all be supportive of everyone her

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Jan 13, 2022 09:10PM Anxioushubby123 wrote:

thank you so much. I completely understand that she’s the one going through it. I’m supposed to be the support, bottom line. But I’m there, I’m driving, I’m waiting in the office with her, I’m by her side through it all. But I need to do better in staying calm and just being the support.

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Jan 13, 2022 09:15PM Anxioushubby123 wrote:

thank you Dres, I appreciate the extended offer!!

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Jan 13, 2022 09:16PM lillyishere wrote:

Anxioushubby123, your wife is lucky to have a husband who cares so much. Many women want and need their spouses' support during these times and only a few get it. I think, for now, just listening to what she wants to say would be very helpful. Hopefully, she gets all good results and this will be just a bump on your road that will create a better bond between you two. Best of luck to both of you.

“Within five years, cancer will have been removed from the list of fatal maladies.” That was the optimistic promise to U.S. President William Howard Taft in 1910 when he visited Buffalo’s Gratwick Laboratory, “What’s taking so long?” Dx 7/31/2019, ILC, Left, <1, Stage IIA, 2/5 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- Hormonal Therapy 7/31/2019 Aromasin (exemestane), Femara (letrozole) Surgery 9/1/2019 Lymph node removal (Left); Mastectomy (Left): Nipple Sparing; Mastectomy (Right): Nipple Sparing; Reconstruction (Left): Silicone implant; Reconstruction (Right): Silicone implant Surgery 9/1/2019 Mastectomy (Left): Nipple Sparing; Mastectomy (Right): Nipple Sparing; Prophylactic mastectomy (Right) Surgery 9/19/2019 Lymph node removal; Mastectomy; Mastectomy (Left); Mastectomy (Right); Reconstruction (Left): Silicone implant; Reconstruction (Right): Silicone implant Hormonal Therapy 11/29/2019 Femara (letrozole) Hormonal Therapy 12/1/2019 Femara (letrozole), Aromasin (exemestane) Dx LCIS/ILC, Both breasts, 2/5 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2-
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Jan 13, 2022 09:28PM dres123 wrote:

As a husband here’s how I like to think about it. The buck stops with you. It’s a stressful and anxious situation for everyone, but try to not reflect or project that stress. It’s easier said than done, but to the extent you can absorb it and find outlets to talk about it, that could help. I know our culture can have weird expectations around masculinity and sharing emotions, but please find a way to do that. Otherwise it will pile up and spill over when you need to be a rock for your wife.

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