Topic: Anxious hubby looking for some advice/reassurance

Forum: Not Diagnosed But Worried — For those who are experiencing symptoms or received concerning test results, but haven't been diagnosed with breast cancer.

Posted on: Jan 13, 2022 06:10AM

Posted on: Jan 13, 2022 06:10AM

Anxioushubby123 wrote:

hello all, hope you are doing well.


so about 2 weeks back, my wife who is 28 and has no family history of cancer began to show changes in her right breast only. Her breast were tender and a long dent started to form. From the top of the breast towards her nipple. We immediately made an appt for her GP, and after visiting, the doctor told her she had some lumps under her breast. He gave her an appt to do an ultrasound.

Fast forward to today, we did the ultrasound, and the doctor was perplexed. He could feel the lumps and see the dent but nothing showed up on the ultrasound. No cysts, no masses, nothing.

Afterwards, we went to go see the breast specialist, he reviewed the ultrasound and said he was a bit concerned about the “fat placement” in the breast. After visibly inspecting and feeling the area, he decided that we should do an MRI. He did rule out, in his medical opinion, IBC which is a relief. Moreover he mentioned there was no swelling in the lymph nodes. He did also say that breast cancer is rare for someone in their late 20s, but without the MRI, if there was cancer, he couldn’t tell if it could be stage 1-3.

honestly, my wife is so strong and positive. But I’m such a negative anxious pessimistic person and I’m weighing her down, I’m panicking and I’m trying my best to not talk about it, google it, or show any negative emotions around her. So I found this forum! Thankfully. I’m just here to vent and see if I can get some opinions or just positive words on our situation.


thank you for taking the time to read this! Our MRI is in a week, so I’ll update when the time comes

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Jan 14, 2022 05:40PM mountainmia wrote:

My last comment on the subject (again with apologies the anxioushusband for overrunning his post) is that again, my husband was fantastic during my treatment. He went to most appointments with me including chemo infusions. He took extra duty in keeping things running at home. He commiserated and supported and loved me. He was great.

He went through something different than I did, though. I'm sure in many ways it was as traumatic, but it was different. anxioushusband, if your wife's diagnosis is cancer, you will go through something very difficult, for sure. But it will be different than what your wife experiences.

I would never try to own what my husband went through, or presume that I know how it affected him. WE did not go through being the spouse of a cancer patient, HE did. It's bad, too. But it isn't the same and we aren't the same person.

I actually think this is a good topic to discuss and am sorry if it has the affect of making anyone feel unwelcome. That is not my intention.

The rain comes and the rain goes, but the mountain remains. I am the mountain.
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Jan 14, 2022 05:58PM - edited Jan 14, 2022 05:59PM by parakeetsrule

It's not just about spouses, either. During my treatment I had two relatives who had had breast cancer themselves coming to appointments and helping me out. And at one point, when they weren't in the room, one of my doctors looked me right in the eye and said "They mean well and it's great that you have them, but please remember that this is about YOU. It's YOUR experience, not theirs". Everything was fine, I was fine, but I immediately understood what she was saying and what she was concerned about. I'm the quiet one and my relatives are....louder....and they probably did a lot more talking than me. Ha. I'm sure they've seen it before where family members make it about themselves instead of letting the actual patient be the center.

I don't think you are doing this, anxioushusband! It was just an interesting thing that happened to me that I'd forgotten about until now when I saw Mountain Mia's comment.

Stage 2 at 37, Stage 4 at 41. Cancer is dumb. Cookies are good. Dx 3/21/2017, IDC, Left, Grade 2, ER+/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 5/15/2017 AC + T (Taxol) Hormonal Therapy 12/8/2021 Faslodex (fulvestrant) Targeted Therapy 12/13/2021 Piqray (alpelisib) Dx IDC, Other, Stage IV, ER+, HER2- Hormonal Therapy Tamoxifen pills (Nolvadex, Apo-Tamox, Tamofen, Tamone) Surgery Lymph node removal (Left); Mastectomy (Left) Radiation Therapy Whole breast: Lymph nodes, Chest wall
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Jan 14, 2022 06:23PM tb90 wrote:

I wonder how many we lose due to exactly this? I am so sad and the testimonials of those who did not feel welcome here but dared to come back should register with us all. These discussions by long timers are good elsewhere but not here. I have raised this concern before by how newbies were judged for their support for the pink revolution before they became informed. I think there should be forums for newcomers just like stage IV. The needs are so very separate. I am now reluctant to refer others here

Dx 11/28/2013, DCIS, Grade 2 Surgery 12/18/2013 Mastectomy; Mastectomy (Left) Radiation Therapy 2/20/2014 Breast
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Jan 14, 2022 06:59PM mountainmia wrote:

TB90, I think it's a great idea to have a forum for newcomers! I encourage you to take that idea to the moderators. Seems like it would be useful in a variety of ways.

The rain comes and the rain goes, but the mountain remains. I am the mountain.
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Jan 14, 2022 07:11PM wrenn wrote:

The Not diagnosed but worried forum is for newcomers so anxious hubby came to the right place. I am sure he understands that just as in real life conversations veer off in different directions as posts trigger memories or thoughts. Most threads are very different by the end and this one is no different.

I like that different opinions come up making it more like regular conversations and to me that feels more welcoming or less clinical.

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Jan 14, 2022 07:42PM tb90 wrote:

Really. So when you are discussing your worst fears with your MO and he or she holds you accountable for saying the wrong pronoun to identify their gender, you welcome that diversion? There is a time and place and newbies deserve being the focus without it becoming a competitive discussion about who knows better.

Dx 11/28/2013, DCIS, Grade 2 Surgery 12/18/2013 Mastectomy; Mastectomy (Left) Radiation Therapy 2/20/2014 Breast
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Jan 14, 2022 07:45PM tb90 wrote:

Sorry, but I am clinical and a clinician and what is happening here is an example of worst practice. I will discuss this with the moderators, whom I am certain would love to know newcomers are respected, welcomed and supported.

Dx 11/28/2013, DCIS, Grade 2 Surgery 12/18/2013 Mastectomy; Mastectomy (Left) Radiation Therapy 2/20/2014 Breast
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Jan 14, 2022 07:53PM minustwo wrote:

I too am willing to support spouses, or daughters, or sons or aunts, or whatever. That's why I keep coming back here. But while I'm more than willing to try to 'pay it forward' & carve time out of my day to try to help anxious people - I must agree with Mountain & Alice that "WE" don't have cancer. "We" can be in an auto accident, but only one might have a broken leg. I applaud the support these two husbands are giving their wives. Sadly many do not. I do understand that many marriages are a team and everything is joint. However I do wish they would say 'my wife's cancer' and not 'our cancer'.

2/15/11 BMX-DCIS 2SNB clear-TEs; 9/15/11-410gummies; 3/20/13 recurrance-5.5cm,mets to lymphs, Stage IIIB IDC ER/PRneg,HER2+; TCH/Perjeta/Neulasta x6; ALND 9/24/13 1/18 nodes 4.5cm; AC chemo 10/30/13 x3; herceptin again; Rads Feb2014
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Jan 14, 2022 08:10PM tb90 wrote:

Not willing to support anxious people? Am I losing my mind??? I am so glad everyone that has responded like this is so perfect. That you have never made an error. That all your relationships have been perfect. That your judgement never failed you. That you never regretted anything you said. I am so glad that I have made multiple errors, have embarrassed myself repeatedly and made judgements that would cause me to doubt myself. This has made me human with humility and tolerance for others. I am so glad that I acknowledge my limitations and honour those who have perservered despite mental health challenges, addictions, developmental challenges and societal issues like racism. I do NOT support insensitivity and intolerance of those who do not support your belief system

Dx 11/28/2013, DCIS, Grade 2 Surgery 12/18/2013 Mastectomy; Mastectomy (Left) Radiation Therapy 2/20/2014 Breast
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Jan 14, 2022 08:19PM wrenn wrote:

TB90, I don't understand your anger. Everyone here has been respectful to the OP. The outrage is puzzling.

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