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Topic: Narcissistic Mother

Forum: Second or Third Breast Cancer — For those confronting a new primary diagnosis or undergoing treatment.

Posted on: Mar 11, 2019 01:45AM - edited Mar 11, 2019 01:59AM by Rosanne7

Rosanne7 wrote:

I have completed right mastectomy (Feburary 2019) so both natural breasts are gone. This is my second breast cancer recurrence & third new BC onset (combination new primary/opposite breast & recurrence @ prior mastectomy scar site).

Unfortunately, I am unable to cut off contact w/ a narcissistic mother; although managing to limit contact. Now blocking texts ("screaming" at one's daughter via text post-cancer diagnosis is not helpful, or normal.) However, I'm feeling demoralized after speaking w/ her by phone this weekend.... I don't understand why narcissistic women (like my Mom or med onc) -- are able to make me feel worthless, at least for a week or so!?! It's disruptive when there are time-sensitive"treatment windows" for surgery, chemo, etc. --

God, help me find Strength & wisdom to deal w/ upcoming Dr. consults -- medical oncology, radiation oncology. etc.

Unfortunately, the med onc I'm assigned to lies a lot (both verbally & in my medical record) to make herself look good. So I'll need to seek a second opinion... might anyone recommend a good medical oncologist in Manhattan for breast cancer?

I was dx'd w/ co-morbid heart disease (cardiomyopathy) concurrent w/ 1st round breast cancer -- so I'll need someone caring enough to consider overall health & well-being.... not just another robot who automatically prescribes toxic protocol without any actual thought or research.....

Thanks for listening, all !!!

Dx 5/2007, DCIS, Left, Stage 0, ER+/PR+, HER2- Dx 9/2007, LCIS, Left Surgery 2/29/2008 Lumpectomy Dx 8/2011, DCIS/IDC, Left, 2cm, Stage IIA, 0/1 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Dx 11/1/2018, IDC, Right, 1cm, Stage IA, Grade 2, 0/1 nodes, ER+/PR- Surgery 2/14/2019 Lymph node removal: Sentinel; Mastectomy: Right; Reconstruction (right): Tissue expander placement Hormonal Therapy 4/30/2019 Arimidex (anastrozole) Radiation Therapy Breast, Lymph nodes Surgery Lumpectomy; Lymph node removal: Sentinel; Mastectomy: Left, Right; Reconstruction (left): Saline implant, Tissue expander placement; Reconstruction (right): Tissue expander placement Surgery Lumpectomy: Left
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Mar 11, 2019 05:54PM KBeee wrote:

I am sorry you are dealing with so much. Any of the large medical centers would probably be a good place to start. Hoping you get a new plan in place soon.

Karen. Dx 8/5/2013, IDC, Right, 1cm, Grade 2, 0/1 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- (IHC) Surgery 8/26/2013 Mastectomy: Left, Right Chemotherapy 9/20/2013 Cytoxan (cyclophosphamide), Taxotere (docetaxel) Hormonal Therapy 12/12/2013 Tamoxifen pills (Nolvadex, Apo-Tamox, Tamofen, Tamone) Surgery 1/23/2014 Reconstruction (left); Reconstruction (right) Surgery 1/29/2015 Lumpectomy: Right Dx 2/2/2015, IDC, Right, 1cm, Grade 2, 0/0 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- (FISH) Dx 2/25/2015, IDC, Right, 1cm, Grade 3, 0/13 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- (IHC) Surgery 2/25/2015 Lumpectomy: Right; Lymph node removal: Right, Sentinel, Underarm/Axillary; Prophylactic ovary removal Chemotherapy 3/31/2015 AC + T (Taxol) Radiation Therapy 8/25/2015 Whole-breast: Breast, Lymph nodes, Chest wall Hormonal Therapy Femara (letrozole)
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Mar 11, 2019 09:02PM YoungTurkNYC wrote:

Rosanne7,

So sorry about your situation with a narcissistic mother. You need to only take care of yourself at this time. It is perfectly acceptable to ignore your mother.

Dx 10/14/2012, DCIS, 6cm+, Stage 0, Grade 2, 0/6 nodes Dx 10/14/2012, ILC, 1cm, Stage IIA, Grade 3, 0/6 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Dx 10/14/2012, IDC, 2cm, Stage IIA, Grade 3, 0/6 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 10/25/2012 Mastectomy: Right; Prophylactic mastectomy: Left Surgery 10/25/2012 Reconstruction (left): Tissue expander placement; Reconstruction (right): Tissue expander placement Chemotherapy 12/10/2012 AC + T (Taxol) Surgery 5/29/2013 Reconstruction (left); Reconstruction (right) Surgery 7/9/2013 Prophylactic ovary removal Hormonal Therapy 7/16/2013 Femara (letrozole)
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Mar 11, 2019 09:37PM Rosanne7 wrote:

Thank you, YoungTurkNY for your kind words !

There's a saying that w/ some people "No good deed goes unpunished." Giving myself "permission" to not caretake my Mom (socially/emotionally) during Easter season will be a good starting gift to myself...

Rosanne7

Dx 5/2007, DCIS, Left, Stage 0, ER+/PR+, HER2- Dx 9/2007, LCIS, Left Surgery 2/29/2008 Lumpectomy Dx 8/2011, DCIS/IDC, Left, 2cm, Stage IIA, 0/1 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Dx 11/1/2018, IDC, Right, 1cm, Stage IA, Grade 2, 0/1 nodes, ER+/PR- Surgery 2/14/2019 Lymph node removal: Sentinel; Mastectomy: Right; Reconstruction (right): Tissue expander placement Hormonal Therapy 4/30/2019 Arimidex (anastrozole) Radiation Therapy Breast, Lymph nodes Surgery Lumpectomy; Lymph node removal: Sentinel; Mastectomy: Left, Right; Reconstruction (left): Saline implant, Tissue expander placement; Reconstruction (right): Tissue expander placement Surgery Lumpectomy: Left
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Mar 11, 2019 09:44PM Rosanne7 wrote:

Thanks KBeee,

  • I'm working w/ big hospital & reputable breast center. My oncology surgeon referred me to alternative med onc re. 2nd opinion; however, she's in private practice & doesn't take my insurance. So, the search continues...
  • Psalm 84: 11-12
Dx 5/2007, DCIS, Left, Stage 0, ER+/PR+, HER2- Dx 9/2007, LCIS, Left Surgery 2/29/2008 Lumpectomy Dx 8/2011, DCIS/IDC, Left, 2cm, Stage IIA, 0/1 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Dx 11/1/2018, IDC, Right, 1cm, Stage IA, Grade 2, 0/1 nodes, ER+/PR- Surgery 2/14/2019 Lymph node removal: Sentinel; Mastectomy: Right; Reconstruction (right): Tissue expander placement Hormonal Therapy 4/30/2019 Arimidex (anastrozole) Radiation Therapy Breast, Lymph nodes Surgery Lumpectomy; Lymph node removal: Sentinel; Mastectomy: Left, Right; Reconstruction (left): Saline implant, Tissue expander placement; Reconstruction (right): Tissue expander placement Surgery Lumpectomy: Left
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Mar 11, 2019 10:03PM santabarbarian wrote:

Did you give her up for Lent?

(couldn't resist)

pCR after neoadjuvant chemo Dx 7/13/2018, IDC, Left, 3cm, Stage IIB, Grade 3, ER-/PR-, HER2- (FISH) Chemotherapy 8/12/2018 Carboplatin (Paraplatin), Taxotere (docetaxel) Surgery 12/27/2018 Lumpectomy: Left Radiation Therapy 2/10/2019 Whole-breast: Breast, Lymph nodes
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Mar 11, 2019 10:50PM Rosanne7 wrote:

Lol.... good one, Santabarbarian !!!

Dx 5/2007, DCIS, Left, Stage 0, ER+/PR+, HER2- Dx 9/2007, LCIS, Left Surgery 2/29/2008 Lumpectomy Dx 8/2011, DCIS/IDC, Left, 2cm, Stage IIA, 0/1 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Dx 11/1/2018, IDC, Right, 1cm, Stage IA, Grade 2, 0/1 nodes, ER+/PR- Surgery 2/14/2019 Lymph node removal: Sentinel; Mastectomy: Right; Reconstruction (right): Tissue expander placement Hormonal Therapy 4/30/2019 Arimidex (anastrozole) Radiation Therapy Breast, Lymph nodes Surgery Lumpectomy; Lymph node removal: Sentinel; Mastectomy: Left, Right; Reconstruction (left): Saline implant, Tissue expander placement; Reconstruction (right): Tissue expander placement Surgery Lumpectomy: Left
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Apr 7, 2019 09:28AM Rosanne7 wrote:

Update: Survived last week's consult w/ "toxic" med onc -- I was assigned to this practioner (on & off) for past 12 years, concurrent w/ three onsets of breast cancer.

It's taken nearly a week to get my head straight & regain confidence.

Med onc said that I have "no options" (other than re-radiating left breast mound) -- but wouldn't answer any of my questions.

She also refused to run Oncotype Dx test (post-mastectomy) on wide area of cancer recurrence at skin/ exchange surgery scar site. Because I have co-morbid heart disease (cardiomyopathy/CHF) which worsened after radiation tx. 12 years ago, I'd like facts before agreeing to re-radiation of left side...

Next week, I'll pursue appointment w/ new medical oncologist for 2nd opinion. I'm aware that I need to move on.... just feeling battle weary !!

Roseanne7

Dx 5/2007, DCIS, Left, Stage 0, ER+/PR+, HER2- Dx 9/2007, LCIS, Left Surgery 2/29/2008 Lumpectomy Dx 8/2011, DCIS/IDC, Left, 2cm, Stage IIA, 0/1 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Dx 11/1/2018, IDC, Right, 1cm, Stage IA, Grade 2, 0/1 nodes, ER+/PR- Surgery 2/14/2019 Lymph node removal: Sentinel; Mastectomy: Right; Reconstruction (right): Tissue expander placement Hormonal Therapy 4/30/2019 Arimidex (anastrozole) Radiation Therapy Breast, Lymph nodes Surgery Lumpectomy; Lymph node removal: Sentinel; Mastectomy: Left, Right; Reconstruction (left): Saline implant, Tissue expander placement; Reconstruction (right): Tissue expander placement Surgery Lumpectomy: Left
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Apr 7, 2019 12:25PM dtad wrote:

Rosanne7...Just wanted to comment on having a narcissistic mother. No one can understand unless they have one too. Mine has passed but I wanted to tell you that I get it! You need to block her out as much as possible. I understand there is some guilt associated with doing that but you come first! She will run you dry if you let her. Take charge of your health and be selfish! Good luck and keep us posted.

Dx 3/20/2015, IDC, Left, 1cm, Stage IA, Grade 2, ER+/PR+, HER2- Dx 4/10/2015, ILC, 1cm, Stage IA, Grade 2, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 5/21/2015 Lymph node removal: Sentinel; Mastectomy: Left, Right; Reconstruction (left): Silicone implant; Reconstruction (right): Silicone implant
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Apr 7, 2019 01:58PM santabarbarian wrote:

you might look into proton rads.... I was treated at Procure in New Jersey and loved them....

pCR after neoadjuvant chemo Dx 7/13/2018, IDC, Left, 3cm, Stage IIB, Grade 3, ER-/PR-, HER2- (FISH) Chemotherapy 8/12/2018 Carboplatin (Paraplatin), Taxotere (docetaxel) Surgery 12/27/2018 Lumpectomy: Left Radiation Therapy 2/10/2019 Whole-breast: Breast, Lymph nodes
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Apr 8, 2019 01:27AM SuQu31 wrote:

Your post caught my eye as I have a similar difficulty with my mother and all the guilt that goes along with that. One thing I refused to feel guilty about was putting myself first and doing what was best for me after my cancer diagnosis and during my surgery recovery. (Of course I was made to feel guilty for that later!) dtad, you are correct that people who have not experienced this cannot understand it. Hugs to you, Rosanne7, and may you find the sort of love, comfort and peace you are missing from your mother elsewhere. We are here for you on this site. You are smart, strong and resilient - be strong for yourself and your future. Please keep us posted

Re-excision for close anterior margin 10 days after BMX. Dx 10/31/2018, DCIS, Left, Stage 0, Grade 3, ER-/PR- Dx 12/10/2018, DCIS, Left, 2cm, Stage 0, Grade 3, 0/3 nodes, ER-/PR- Surgery 12/10/2018 Lymph node removal: Sentinel; Mastectomy: Left; Prophylactic mastectomy: Right; Reconstruction (left): Latissimus dorsi flap; Reconstruction (right): Latissimus dorsi flap Surgery 12/20/2018
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Apr 22, 2019 03:58AM Rosanne7 wrote:

Dear SuQu31, dtad, YoungTurkNY, KBeee & santabarbar,

Thank you for your kind & encouraging words -- which no doubt I'll read again, from time to time...

Sending you love & compassion -- not only for all that you've undergone as BC patients & Survivors, but especially for sisters who have suffered (often silently) w/ a narcissistic Mom.

It's true -- other people can't really understand, unless they've experienced this!

One of the best tips you've given me is to "beware" (& learn to ignore) the Guilt that is often off-loaded, unwittingly, by some who are unable to understand.

This morning, at Easter service, my pastor spoke about importance of having the "experience' of forgiveness.

Sadly, in relationships w/ "highly narcissistic" individuals, forgiveness is rarely offered or sustained. I'm thankful for the sustenance of my faith, friends & wonderful members I've encountered in this community !!!

Rosanne7

Dx 5/2007, DCIS, Left, Stage 0, ER+/PR+, HER2- Dx 9/2007, LCIS, Left Surgery 2/29/2008 Lumpectomy Dx 8/2011, DCIS/IDC, Left, 2cm, Stage IIA, 0/1 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Dx 11/1/2018, IDC, Right, 1cm, Stage IA, Grade 2, 0/1 nodes, ER+/PR- Surgery 2/14/2019 Lymph node removal: Sentinel; Mastectomy: Right; Reconstruction (right): Tissue expander placement Hormonal Therapy 4/30/2019 Arimidex (anastrozole) Radiation Therapy Breast, Lymph nodes Surgery Lumpectomy; Lymph node removal: Sentinel; Mastectomy: Left, Right; Reconstruction (left): Saline implant, Tissue expander placement; Reconstruction (right): Tissue expander placement Surgery Lumpectomy: Left
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Apr 22, 2019 05:50AM Christene502 wrote:

Rosanne7

I have a very narcissistic brother... I had enough and stopped all communication with him 10 years ago... Just recently my younger brother did the same. My narcissistic brother son won't even talk to his own dad....


Why haven't you gone to Sloan or Columbia hospital in Manhattan? I went to Sloan for a second opinion in Commack.. Wasn't pleased how they treated me there. My Mom was treated for her ovarian cancer in the city, and she was pleased.

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Apr 22, 2019 01:32PM Rosanne7 wrote:

Christene502,

It's sad to hear of all the pain your brother's malady has caused :(

Glad to hear that your Mom found quality care for ovarian cancer in NYC. Hope you'll also find good providers that inspire will confidence for yourself & your healing !!

I haven't tried MSK/Sloan yet -- but both mastectomies were done @Columbia --

Roseanne7

Dx 5/2007, DCIS, Left, Stage 0, ER+/PR+, HER2- Dx 9/2007, LCIS, Left Surgery 2/29/2008 Lumpectomy Dx 8/2011, DCIS/IDC, Left, 2cm, Stage IIA, 0/1 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Dx 11/1/2018, IDC, Right, 1cm, Stage IA, Grade 2, 0/1 nodes, ER+/PR- Surgery 2/14/2019 Lymph node removal: Sentinel; Mastectomy: Right; Reconstruction (right): Tissue expander placement Hormonal Therapy 4/30/2019 Arimidex (anastrozole) Radiation Therapy Breast, Lymph nodes Surgery Lumpectomy; Lymph node removal: Sentinel; Mastectomy: Left, Right; Reconstruction (left): Saline implant, Tissue expander placement; Reconstruction (right): Tissue expander placement Surgery Lumpectomy: Left
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Apr 22, 2019 10:23PM FaithFilledGirl wrote:

My thoughts and prayers are with you, Rosanne. I, too, have such mom. When I told her I was having breast issues and going for a biopsy at Christmas time she promptly told me she too had breast issues and told me all about her benign cysts. She never brought up the topic again or asked me how I was doing. When I was diagnosed with early stage IDC this January I made the decision to invite only positive thoughts & prayers into my treatment plan and not tell Mom about my diagnosis. My faith, Church, good husband, and friends have been wonderful support system and I do believe I made the right decision. God's many blessings to you. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

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Apr 23, 2019 07:19AM Meow13 wrote:

My soon to be 84 year old mother keeps telling what she wants after she is gone. At this point I might go before her. I listen to her but at the same time find it annoying.

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Apr 24, 2019 11:17AM Rosanne7 wrote:

Meow13,

Ouch. Yes, sounds very difficult & annoying for you...!

Hope you'll find someone who can support you & talk things over with. There may be something you might say to your mother when she does this... However, right now, I'm too burned out to think of what that might be --

Good luck,

Roseanne7

Dx 5/2007, DCIS, Left, Stage 0, ER+/PR+, HER2- Dx 9/2007, LCIS, Left Surgery 2/29/2008 Lumpectomy Dx 8/2011, DCIS/IDC, Left, 2cm, Stage IIA, 0/1 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Dx 11/1/2018, IDC, Right, 1cm, Stage IA, Grade 2, 0/1 nodes, ER+/PR- Surgery 2/14/2019 Lymph node removal: Sentinel; Mastectomy: Right; Reconstruction (right): Tissue expander placement Hormonal Therapy 4/30/2019 Arimidex (anastrozole) Radiation Therapy Breast, Lymph nodes Surgery Lumpectomy; Lymph node removal: Sentinel; Mastectomy: Left, Right; Reconstruction (left): Saline implant, Tissue expander placement; Reconstruction (right): Tissue expander placement Surgery Lumpectomy: Left

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