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All TopicsForum: IDC (Invasive Ductal Carcinoma) → Topic: My (perhaps controversial) thoughts as a "newbie" to CA.

Topic: My (perhaps controversial) thoughts as a "newbie" to CA.

Forum: IDC (Invasive Ductal Carcinoma) — Just diagnosed, in treatment, or finished treatment for IDC.

Posted on: Nov 11, 2015 08:35PM

Trill1943 wrote:

What an intense time!

I found a lump on my breast on my birthday--October 31. A fun Halloween party ended with this nice birthday present.

I hadn't had a mammogram in 13 years and know this was risky but the last two I had they called me back and it turned out to be nothing...shadows, etc. But it freaked me out so much I couldn't do it again.

Anyway, here's a lump. Had a mammogram last week and biopsy Monday and here it is Wednesday and I learned from my doctor it's IDC. I think he said no estrogen or--is it progesterone?--anyway, no receptors for either. The lingo is still new to me....

Here's the thing for me.

I'm 72. I have no one dependent on me but my lovely cat, Pantaloon.

I was hoping this would be DCIS and that a lumpectomy and some radiation would do the trick.

But now I think--I see oncology doc Tuesday--it's gonna be more--more than lumpectomy and radiation--more like extensive surgery and radiation and chemo and hormonal also.

I absolutely hate the idea of chemo--there is nothing worse to me than nausea and vomiting. Nothing. Give me aches and pains, strains, cuts, stomach aches, headaches, toothaches, severe stiff neck, groin strain--I can take them in triplicate. But the nausea I suffered after sinus surgery and general anesthesia was the worst I think I've ever known. I literally could not move an inch I was so ill--like the worst food poisoning in the world.

So this evening I've been going over and over things.

And a part of me wants to do---nothing.

To let nature do her thing. Yes, I know this means growth, spread, and death--but that's going to happen anyway.

I look at the tests, the surgery, the meds, the appointments, the destructive reality of radiation, the chemo that's going to shoot my entire body into a (poorly) defensive posture, the floppy old magazines on waiting room tables....

I think of the anxiety, the bland food (which sinus issues can lead to--no sense of smell=no sense of taste=no fun), the hair loss, the irritation, the low moods, the no-energy (but, perhaps, no good rest, either) and that handmaiden to any illness, that infernal guest: patient, inevitable depression.

All that trying for something, battling for something, but living on the knife-edge of Not Knowing If It's Gonna Come Back.

I like the idea of having some control over what's happening--knowing that it's my choice that's leading to my decline and end.

I decided not to have those mammograms, and had 13 years free of that anxiety.

There are worse things than death, and living in the purgatory-like limbo world of Will These Treatments Work That I AM Suffering Through? to me would be--hell. I've lost loved ones and dear friends to cancer over the years--and followed their courses of treatment...

Do I want to go through all that to gain, perhaps, a two-year extension to my life? Or do I want to just accept that--OK--I have a fatal disease?

I paced my living room after speaking with my doctor and thought:

"What if I just look at this as an incurable disease that I will learn to accept and deal with day to day? I've lived a good life and today am energetic and otherwise in good shape. Do I really want to battle at this point? Maybe I'll do better if I treat this diagnosis as if it were no different from ALS, MSA, Parkinson's, Alzheimer's? Maybe I'll find more peace by accepting cancer than from engaging in a war with it?"

I realize that this runs counter to the prevailing thinking, and know that the oncologist is gonna frown at me next week when I discuss this idea with him (if I get up the nerve). I know that there are thousands of sites discussing breast cancer and all that surrounds its treatment and diagnosis, and these are great. But few sites extoll the good that can arise from acceptance.

I want to enjoy the time I have left. To be the one to--let it be. To know that I am turning myself over to nature herself.

(Of course I would undoubtedly be seeing this differently were I younger and my heart and prayers go out to the fighters and the survivors of all ages.)

Who knows what gave me--us--this? They still haven't pinned down what cause the thousands of cancer types that exist. If there were proof-positive treatments--like drilling out decay from a tooth and filling it with a replacement will take care of a cavity--that didn't essentially poison the body in the process that would be a whole different matter entirely. Cancer is so manifold and mysterious a malady they can never promise a cure. Not yet, anyway.

Thanks for being here and letting me run my thoughts by an audience of the interested tonight! Glad I found this site to air them!

I still don't know what I'm gonna do and wonder if these racing thoughts are due to shock and fear. I may turn 180 degrees onto the other side. But for now they give me a sense of peace and calm that I haven't felt since--I felt the lump.

I wish the very best for all of you and would welcome any thoughts or comments you'd like to offer.

Dx 10/31/2015, IDC, Left, 1cm, Stage IA, Grade 3, 0/1 nodes, ER-/PR-, HER2- Surgery 12/13/2015 Lymph node removal: Sentinel; Mastectomy: Left, Right; Prophylactic mastectomy: Right
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Mar 13, 2017 04:13PM WenchLori wrote:

Molly, of course I wouldn't have it any other way 😍

Trill, thank you for directing me where to go so I can fix my poor blocks. They aren't as much fun to play with when they are separated lol


If I stop laughing, I'll start crying! Lori Dx 3/18/2016, IDC: Papillary, Left, 1cm, Stage IIA, Grade 2, 2/13 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 7/5/2016 Mastectomy: Left; Prophylactic mastectomy: Right; Reconstruction (left): Tissue expander placement; Reconstruction (right): Tissue expander placement Chemotherapy 8/4/2016 Taxol (paclitaxel) Radiation Therapy 2/19/2017 External: Chest wall Hormonal Therapy Tamoxifen pills (Nolvadex, Apo-Tamox, Tamofen, Tamone) Chemotherapy AC
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Mar 13, 2017 06:25PM Trill1943 wrote:

Lori, yes, you can fix your blocks easily! They are much more fun to tumble if they are together--like the rest of us!

Dx 10/31/2015, IDC, Left, 1cm, Stage IA, Grade 3, 0/1 nodes, ER-/PR-, HER2- Surgery 12/13/2015 Lymph node removal: Sentinel; Mastectomy: Left, Right; Prophylactic mastectomy: Right
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Mar 13, 2017 09:37PM WenchLori wrote:

Trill, so true! You crack me up 😂 A major storm headed your way! Hunker down and stay warm and safe

If I stop laughing, I'll start crying! Lori Dx 3/18/2016, IDC: Papillary, Left, 1cm, Stage IIA, Grade 2, 2/13 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 7/5/2016 Mastectomy: Left; Prophylactic mastectomy: Right; Reconstruction (left): Tissue expander placement; Reconstruction (right): Tissue expander placement Chemotherapy 8/4/2016 Taxol (paclitaxel) Radiation Therapy 2/19/2017 External: Chest wall Hormonal Therapy Tamoxifen pills (Nolvadex, Apo-Tamox, Tamofen, Tamone) Chemotherapy AC
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Mar 13, 2017 10:12PM Trill1943 wrote:

The first storm here all winter but probably the last. . . am eating cupcakes while Miss Panty sits in the windowsill looking out at the swirling snow in the street lamps.....sweet!

Dx 10/31/2015, IDC, Left, 1cm, Stage IA, Grade 3, 0/1 nodes, ER-/PR-, HER2- Surgery 12/13/2015 Lymph node removal: Sentinel; Mastectomy: Left, Right; Prophylactic mastectomy: Right
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Mar 14, 2017 02:56PM WenchLori wrote:

Ooooh yummy! It's just cold here and going to be colder tonight. I have donuts to keep me company lol

If I stop laughing, I'll start crying! Lori Dx 3/18/2016, IDC: Papillary, Left, 1cm, Stage IIA, Grade 2, 2/13 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 7/5/2016 Mastectomy: Left; Prophylactic mastectomy: Right; Reconstruction (left): Tissue expander placement; Reconstruction (right): Tissue expander placement Chemotherapy 8/4/2016 Taxol (paclitaxel) Radiation Therapy 2/19/2017 External: Chest wall Hormonal Therapy Tamoxifen pills (Nolvadex, Apo-Tamox, Tamofen, Tamone) Chemotherapy AC
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Mar 15, 2017 05:14AM Trill1943 wrote:

It's 21 here. . . .we had snow but it's the cold you notice the most after 70 degrees last week....I've eaten 1/4 of my cupcakes....

Dx 10/31/2015, IDC, Left, 1cm, Stage IA, Grade 3, 0/1 nodes, ER-/PR-, HER2- Surgery 12/13/2015 Lymph node removal: Sentinel; Mastectomy: Left, Right; Prophylactic mastectomy: Right
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Mar 20, 2017 03:16PM Trill1943 wrote:

Molly-- Just wanted to say I'll be thinking about you tomorrow... I know you'll do fine--just in time for Spring!

Miss Panty and I send our best. Here she is beside me on her pillow.... I love this little buckwheat hull pillow but she's taken it over. If I'm using it she'll get up on the bed, look at me, look at the pillow, then stand there very patiently waiting for me to "hand it over." So I do and she immediately lies down on it just as she is in this photo. Last fall I had to go ahead and invest in a little buckwheat pillow of my own! Take care-- love, trill

Dx 10/31/2015, IDC, Left, 1cm, Stage IA, Grade 3, 0/1 nodes, ER-/PR-, HER2- Surgery 12/13/2015 Lymph node removal: Sentinel; Mastectomy: Left, Right; Prophylactic mastectomy: Right
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Mar 20, 2017 03:52PM Molly50 wrote:

Thank you for remembering, Trill! I love the photo and the story. Samantha, our orange fluffy cat does that with the water dish. If it's not to the level she likes she waits and waits for you to do as she wishes.

54 years old. Chek2 mutation. Family history of BC. Oncotype Dx 13 Extensive LVI Dx 6/8/2015, IDC, Left, 2cm, Stage IIB, Grade 2, 2/9 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- (FISH) Dx 7/29/2015, DCIS, Left, <1cm, Stage 0, Grade 2, ER+/PR+ Surgery 7/29/2015 Lumpectomy: Left; Lymph node removal: Underarm/Axillary Surgery 9/4/2015 Mastectomy: Left; Reconstruction (left): Tissue expander placement Hormonal Therapy 10/13/2015 Arimidex (anastrozole) Radiation Therapy 10/20/2015 Whole-breast: Breast, Lymph nodes, Chest wall Hormonal Therapy 4/22/2016 Aromasin (exemestane) Surgery 7/22/2016 Prophylactic mastectomy: Right; Reconstruction (right): Tissue expander placement
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Mar 20, 2017 07:11PM Trill1943 wrote:

Molly--That's so cute about your kitty! They are so similar that way!

OK-- sleep tight--I'll think of you tomorrow!

Love, t and Miss P

Dx 10/31/2015, IDC, Left, 1cm, Stage IA, Grade 3, 0/1 nodes, ER-/PR-, HER2- Surgery 12/13/2015 Lymph node removal: Sentinel; Mastectomy: Left, Right; Prophylactic mastectomy: Right
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Mar 21, 2017 08:49AM WenchLori wrote:

Molly, in your pocket today!

Trill, my pets sharing their food last nightOne possum and Smokey the stray cat!

If I stop laughing, I'll start crying! Lori Dx 3/18/2016, IDC: Papillary, Left, 1cm, Stage IIA, Grade 2, 2/13 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 7/5/2016 Mastectomy: Left; Prophylactic mastectomy: Right; Reconstruction (left): Tissue expander placement; Reconstruction (right): Tissue expander placement Chemotherapy 8/4/2016 Taxol (paclitaxel) Radiation Therapy 2/19/2017 External: Chest wall Hormonal Therapy Tamoxifen pills (Nolvadex, Apo-Tamox, Tamofen, Tamone) Chemotherapy AC
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Mar 21, 2017 11:06AM Trill1943 wrote:

Lori, love it! I hope it's getting warmer out where you are. Here we are at last out of 20-dgree days and I see the tree outside my bedroom window has buds....

Dx 10/31/2015, IDC, Left, 1cm, Stage IA, Grade 3, 0/1 nodes, ER-/PR-, HER2- Surgery 12/13/2015 Lymph node removal: Sentinel; Mastectomy: Left, Right; Prophylactic mastectomy: Right
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Mar 21, 2017 02:21PM Molly50 wrote:

I am doing well so far. I am home in my recliner with specific instructions to lift NOTHING. Anesthesiologist use bilateral pain blocker because I am very sensitive to pain meds especially morphine and dilaudid.

54 years old. Chek2 mutation. Family history of BC. Oncotype Dx 13 Extensive LVI Dx 6/8/2015, IDC, Left, 2cm, Stage IIB, Grade 2, 2/9 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- (FISH) Dx 7/29/2015, DCIS, Left, <1cm, Stage 0, Grade 2, ER+/PR+ Surgery 7/29/2015 Lumpectomy: Left; Lymph node removal: Underarm/Axillary Surgery 9/4/2015 Mastectomy: Left; Reconstruction (left): Tissue expander placement Hormonal Therapy 10/13/2015 Arimidex (anastrozole) Radiation Therapy 10/20/2015 Whole-breast: Breast, Lymph nodes, Chest wall Hormonal Therapy 4/22/2016 Aromasin (exemestane) Surgery 7/22/2016 Prophylactic mastectomy: Right; Reconstruction (right): Tissue expander placement
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Mar 21, 2017 05:15PM Trill1943 wrote:

Hi Molly-- So glad you are feeling well enough to write! That's a good sign! Do keep very calm and no lifting--no how no way!

Pantaloon has sent on HER orders--"Be good like me, Molly!" (Hah!)

Keep up the good work! We're with you in spirit....

Me and P

Dx 10/31/2015, IDC, Left, 1cm, Stage IA, Grade 3, 0/1 nodes, ER-/PR-, HER2- Surgery 12/13/2015 Lymph node removal: Sentinel; Mastectomy: Left, Right; Prophylactic mastectomy: Right
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Mar 21, 2017 07:08PM Molly50 wrote:

I promise to take a page out of Miss P's book and lay about the house Winking

54 years old. Chek2 mutation. Family history of BC. Oncotype Dx 13 Extensive LVI Dx 6/8/2015, IDC, Left, 2cm, Stage IIB, Grade 2, 2/9 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- (FISH) Dx 7/29/2015, DCIS, Left, <1cm, Stage 0, Grade 2, ER+/PR+ Surgery 7/29/2015 Lumpectomy: Left; Lymph node removal: Underarm/Axillary Surgery 9/4/2015 Mastectomy: Left; Reconstruction (left): Tissue expander placement Hormonal Therapy 10/13/2015 Arimidex (anastrozole) Radiation Therapy 10/20/2015 Whole-breast: Breast, Lymph nodes, Chest wall Hormonal Therapy 4/22/2016 Aromasin (exemestane) Surgery 7/22/2016 Prophylactic mastectomy: Right; Reconstruction (right): Tissue expander placement
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Mar 21, 2017 07:39PM Trill1943 wrote:

We order: BE LAZY!


Dx 10/31/2015, IDC, Left, 1cm, Stage IA, Grade 3, 0/1 nodes, ER-/PR-, HER2- Surgery 12/13/2015 Lymph node removal: Sentinel; Mastectomy: Left, Right; Prophylactic mastectomy: Right
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Mar 22, 2017 04:15AM WenchLori wrote:

Trill, it's been pretty nice here in the high to mid 40s. The wind has been blowing so it makes it feel pretty chilly still. I had 4 possums and a big yellow cat at my feed tubs last night. They took off when I moved to get my camera so I wasn't able to get a picture! I can tell the difference between the young raccoons that have been visiting since they were very tiny from the ones that didn't grow up on my deck. When I sit down with my bag of marshmallows and open my patio door the other raccoons run from me, my babies run to me! They'd come in the house if I'd let them. Can you imagine having 6 (wild) raccoons running around in my house?! Singing

If I stop laughing, I'll start crying! Lori Dx 3/18/2016, IDC: Papillary, Left, 1cm, Stage IIA, Grade 2, 2/13 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 7/5/2016 Mastectomy: Left; Prophylactic mastectomy: Right; Reconstruction (left): Tissue expander placement; Reconstruction (right): Tissue expander placement Chemotherapy 8/4/2016 Taxol (paclitaxel) Radiation Therapy 2/19/2017 External: Chest wall Hormonal Therapy Tamoxifen pills (Nolvadex, Apo-Tamox, Tamofen, Tamone) Chemotherapy AC
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Mar 22, 2017 11:44AM Trill1943 wrote:

Yes, I can! Let them come in and play for a while! LOL! I think it would frazzle you after awhile but for a few minutes you'd get some laughing in and probably lots of exercise chasing them around. They must love those marshmallows! But so would I!

Right now I'm following April the giraffe via the camera on her that's live 24/7 at the Animal Adventure place in NY--she's due any day. She was due mid-February I think but the keeper in a video answering questions said that it's hard to tell because they don't know which "coupling" with Oliver--in the stall next to hers--was THE one that got her pregnant. They are pregnant 15 months. I switch between watching April and Oliver and then to the Wash Zoo's panda cam. I love watching the roly-poly pandas...Even Miss Panty has liked watching, although she says their markings are "wrong" because she thinks they should be just like hers...


Dx 10/31/2015, IDC, Left, 1cm, Stage IA, Grade 3, 0/1 nodes, ER-/PR-, HER2- Surgery 12/13/2015 Lymph node removal: Sentinel; Mastectomy: Left, Right; Prophylactic mastectomy: Right
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Mar 22, 2017 09:13PM DisneyGirl16 wrote:

Trill, I have been watching April the giraffe as well. I sure hope she has that baby soon. I have also been watching several eagle nest cameras. One nest has 2 eagle's that just hatched. They are so cute! I need to check out the panda cam again. I love watching them.

Molly, glad your surgery is over. Take it easy and heal quickly.

Lori, good to hear that you are doing well and that the raccoons are still around.

Dx 1/14/2016, IDC, Right, 2cm, Grade 2, 0/3 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 2/3/2016 Lumpectomy; Lymph node removal Radiation Therapy 4/4/2016 Whole-breast: Breast
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Mar 22, 2017 09:44PM Trill1943 wrote:

DisneyGirl, so good to hear from you! Where is the eagle cam? I used to watch those also..

April has such a big tummy...when I watch her lie down I kinda hurt for her....with that extra 150 pounds....but this is her fourth or fifth calf so she's used to it...i love how Oliver is over there watching...did you see the time the keeper opened the door and Oliver came over and it was hard getting them back in their stalls! April kept rubbing her long neck against him affectionately...

Dx 10/31/2015, IDC, Left, 1cm, Stage IA, Grade 3, 0/1 nodes, ER-/PR-, HER2- Surgery 12/13/2015 Lymph node removal: Sentinel; Mastectomy: Left, Right; Prophylactic mastectomy: Right
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Mar 23, 2017 07:53AM DisneyGirl16 wrote:

No, Trill, I missed that interaction between April and Oliver. I'm surprised the keeper allowed that to happen. I have seen her put her head over the door to his stall and they rub their heads together. So cute!

Here are some of the eagle cams -

http://explore.org/live-cams/player/decorah-eagles...

http://www.dceaglecam.org/

http://pittsburgh.cbslocal.com/hays-bald-eagle-cam...

http://www.berry.edu/eaglecam/ - The babies in this nest are about ready to fledge.

https://hdontap.com/index.php/video/stream/pa-bald... - This is the nest with the 2 new eaglets.

Last year I was watching an owl nest but this year it has been taken over by osprey. (https://hdontap.com/index.php/video/stream/great-h...)

I love the picture of Miss P laying on her pillow.

Dx 1/14/2016, IDC, Right, 2cm, Grade 2, 0/3 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 2/3/2016 Lumpectomy; Lymph node removal Radiation Therapy 4/4/2016 Whole-breast: Breast
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Mar 23, 2017 11:57AM Trill1943 wrote:

Thanks for these links, will check them out.

Yes, Miss Panty loves that pillow! I was telling Molly about it in a post above. And she knows this particular pillow from the rest..

Dx 10/31/2015, IDC, Left, 1cm, Stage IA, Grade 3, 0/1 nodes, ER-/PR-, HER2- Surgery 12/13/2015 Lymph node removal: Sentinel; Mastectomy: Left, Right; Prophylactic mastectomy: Right
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Mar 23, 2017 03:51PM WenchLori wrote:

Trill, I'm sure my raccoons would definitely run me ragged! 😂

Hi Disneygirl! How are you doing? I'm having a blast with my raccoons, possums and stray cats. I want to catch this one and make him my own lol

I wish I could watch April and Oliver but with our internet I'd use up all the bandwidth in no time and be in big trouble!

Until next time

If I stop laughing, I'll start crying! Lori Dx 3/18/2016, IDC: Papillary, Left, 1cm, Stage IIA, Grade 2, 2/13 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 7/5/2016 Mastectomy: Left; Prophylactic mastectomy: Right; Reconstruction (left): Tissue expander placement; Reconstruction (right): Tissue expander placement Chemotherapy 8/4/2016 Taxol (paclitaxel) Radiation Therapy 2/19/2017 External: Chest wall Hormonal Therapy Tamoxifen pills (Nolvadex, Apo-Tamox, Tamofen, Tamone) Chemotherapy AC
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Mar 23, 2017 04:55PM Trill1943 wrote:

Love the kitty-on-the-porch photo, Lori!

Dx 10/31/2015, IDC, Left, 1cm, Stage IA, Grade 3, 0/1 nodes, ER-/PR-, HER2- Surgery 12/13/2015 Lymph node removal: Sentinel; Mastectomy: Left, Right; Prophylactic mastectomy: Right
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Mar 23, 2017 08:29PM DisneyGirl16 wrote:

Lori, I am doing pretty well. What a beautiful cat. The stray that we had been caring for has not been around since the middle of January. I hope someone took him in and gave him a good home. My husband is allergic to cats so we couldn't let him in the house but we would let him stay in the garage when he wanted to. How interesting to see the possum getting along with the cat. My sister-in-law always has several strays at her house and one evening she saw a skunk family on her porch eating the cat food she put out. :-)


Dx 1/14/2016, IDC, Right, 2cm, Grade 2, 0/3 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 2/3/2016 Lumpectomy; Lymph node removal Radiation Therapy 4/4/2016 Whole-breast: Breast

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