Mar 13, 2017 08:25PM Trill1943 wrote:
Lori, yes, you can fix your blocks easily! They are much more fun to tumble if they are together--like the rest of us!
Posted on: Nov 11, 2015 10:35PM
What an intense time!
I found a lump on my breast on my birthday--October 31. A fun Halloween party ended with this nice birthday present.
I hadn't had a mammogram in 13 years and know this was risky but the last two I had they called me back and it turned out to be nothing...shadows, etc. But it freaked me out so much I couldn't do it again.
Anyway, here's a lump. Had a mammogram last week and biopsy Monday and here it is Wednesday and I learned from my doctor it's IDC. I think he said no estrogen or--is it progesterone?--anyway, no receptors for either. The lingo is still new to me....
Here's the thing for me.
I'm 72. I have no one dependent on me but my lovely cat, Pantaloon.
I was hoping this would be DCIS and that a lumpectomy and some radiation would do the trick.
But now I think--I see oncology doc Tuesday--it's gonna be more--more than lumpectomy and radiation--more like extensive surgery and radiation and chemo and hormonal also.
I absolutely hate the idea of chemo--there is nothing worse to me than nausea and vomiting. Nothing. Give me aches and pains, strains, cuts, stomach aches, headaches, toothaches, severe stiff neck, groin strain--I can take them in triplicate. But the nausea I suffered after sinus surgery and general anesthesia was the worst I think I've ever known. I literally could not move an inch I was so ill--like the worst food poisoning in the world.
So this evening I've been going over and over things.
And a part of me wants to do---nothing.
To let nature do her thing. Yes, I know this means growth, spread, and death--but that's going to happen anyway.
I look at the tests, the surgery, the meds, the appointments, the destructive reality of radiation, the chemo that's going to shoot my entire body into a (poorly) defensive posture, the floppy old magazines on waiting room tables....
I think of the anxiety, the bland food (which sinus issues can lead to--no sense of smell=no sense of taste=no fun), the hair loss, the irritation, the low moods, the no-energy (but, perhaps, no good rest, either) and that handmaiden to any illness, that infernal guest: patient, inevitable depression.
All that trying for something, battling for something, but living on the knife-edge of Not Knowing If It's Gonna Come Back.
I like the idea of having some control over what's happening--knowing that it's my choice that's leading to my decline and end.
I decided not to have those mammograms, and had 13 years free of that anxiety.
There are worse things than death, and living in the purgatory-like limbo world of Will These Treatments Work That I AM Suffering Through? to me would be--hell. I've lost loved ones and dear friends to cancer over the years--and followed their courses of treatment...
Do I want to go through all that to gain, perhaps, a two-year extension to my life? Or do I want to just accept that--OK--I have a fatal disease?
I paced my living room after speaking with my doctor and thought:
"What if I just look at this as an incurable disease that I will learn to accept and deal with day to day? I've lived a good life and today am energetic and otherwise in good shape. Do I really want to battle at this point? Maybe I'll do better if I treat this diagnosis as if it were no different from ALS, MSA, Parkinson's, Alzheimer's? Maybe I'll find more peace by accepting cancer than from engaging in a war with it?"
I realize that this runs counter to the prevailing thinking, and know that the oncologist is gonna frown at me next week when I discuss this idea with him (if I get up the nerve). I know that there are thousands of sites discussing breast cancer and all that surrounds its treatment and diagnosis, and these are great. But few sites extoll the good that can arise from acceptance.
I want to enjoy the time I have left. To be the one to--let it be. To know that I am turning myself over to nature herself.
(Of course I would undoubtedly be seeing this differently were I younger and my heart and prayers go out to the fighters and the survivors of all ages.)
Who knows what gave me--us--this? They still haven't pinned down what cause the thousands of cancer types that exist. If there were proof-positive treatments--like drilling out decay from a tooth and filling it with a replacement will take care of a cavity--that didn't essentially poison the body in the process that would be a whole different matter entirely. Cancer is so manifold and mysterious a malady they can never promise a cure. Not yet, anyway.
Thanks for being here and letting me run my thoughts by an audience of the interested tonight! Glad I found this site to air them!
I still don't know what I'm gonna do and wonder if these racing thoughts are due to shock and fear. I may turn 180 degrees onto the other side. But for now they give me a sense of peace and calm that I haven't felt since--I felt the lump.
I wish the very best for all of you and would welcome any thoughts or comments you'd like to offer.
Posts 1111 - 1140 (1,360 total)
Mar 13, 2017 08:25PM Trill1943 wrote:
Lori, yes, you can fix your blocks easily! They are much more fun to tumble if they are together--like the rest of us!
Mar 13, 2017 11:37PM WenchLori wrote:
Trill, so true! You crack me up 😂 A major storm headed your way! Hunker down and stay warm and safe
Mar 14, 2017 12:12AM Trill1943 wrote:
The first storm here all winter but probably the last. . . am eating cupcakes while Miss Panty sits in the windowsill looking out at the swirling snow in the street lamps.....sweet!
Mar 14, 2017 04:56PM WenchLori wrote:
Ooooh yummy! It's just cold here and going to be colder tonight. I have donuts to keep me company lol
Mar 15, 2017 07:14AM Trill1943 wrote:
It's 21 here. . . .we had snow but it's the cold you notice the most after 70 degrees last week....I've eaten 1/4 of my cupcakes....
Mar 20, 2017 05:16PM Trill1943 wrote:
Molly-- Just wanted to say I'll be thinking about you tomorrow... I know you'll do fine--just in time for Spring!
Miss Panty and I send our best. Here she is beside me on her pillow.... I love this little buckwheat hull pillow but she's taken it over. If I'm using it she'll get up on the bed, look at me, look at the pillow, then stand there very patiently waiting for me to "hand it over." So I do and she immediately lies down on it just as she is in this photo. Last fall I had to go ahead and invest in a little buckwheat pillow of my own! Take care-- love, trill
Mar 20, 2017 05:52PM Molly50 wrote:
Thank you for remembering, Trill! I love the photo and the story. Samantha, our orange fluffy cat does that with the water dish. If it's not to the level she likes she waits and waits for you to do as she wishes.
Mar 20, 2017 09:11PM Trill1943 wrote:
Molly--That's so cute about your kitty! They are so similar that way!
OK-- sleep tight--I'll think of you tomorrow!
Love, t and Miss P
Mar 21, 2017 10:49AM WenchLori wrote:
Molly, in your pocket today!
Trill, my pets sharing their food last nightOne possum and Smokey the stray cat!
Mar 21, 2017 01:06PM Trill1943 wrote:
Lori, love it! I hope it's getting warmer out where you are. Here we are at last out of 20-dgree days and I see the tree outside my bedroom window has buds....
Mar 21, 2017 04:21PM Molly50 wrote:
I am doing well so far. I am home in my recliner with specific instructions to lift NOTHING. Anesthesiologist use bilateral pain blocker because I am very sensitive to pain meds especially morphine and dilaudid.
Mar 21, 2017 07:15PM Trill1943 wrote:
Hi Molly-- So glad you are feeling well enough to write! That's a good sign! Do keep very calm and no lifting--no how no way!
Pantaloon has sent on HER orders--"Be good like me, Molly!" (Hah!)
Keep up the good work! We're with you in spirit....
Me and P
Mar 21, 2017 09:08PM Molly50 wrote:
I promise to take a page out of Miss P's book and lay about the house
Mar 22, 2017 06:15AM WenchLori wrote:
Trill, it's been pretty nice here in the high to mid 40s. The wind has been blowing so it makes it feel pretty chilly still. I had 4 possums and a big yellow cat at my feed tubs last night. They took off when I moved to get my camera so I wasn't able to get a picture! I can tell the difference between the young raccoons that have been visiting since they were very tiny from the ones that didn't grow up on my deck. When I sit down with my bag of marshmallows and open my patio door the other raccoons run from me, my babies run to me! They'd come in the house if I'd let them. Can you imagine having 6 (wild) raccoons running around in my house?!
Mar 22, 2017 01:44PM Trill1943 wrote:
Yes, I can! Let them come in and play for a while! LOL! I think it would frazzle you after awhile but for a few minutes you'd get some laughing in and probably lots of exercise chasing them around. They must love those marshmallows! But so would I!
Right now I'm following April the giraffe via the camera on her that's live 24/7 at the Animal Adventure place in NY--she's due any day. She was due mid-February I think but the keeper in a video answering questions said that it's hard to tell because they don't know which "coupling" with Oliver--in the stall next to hers--was THE one that got her pregnant. They are pregnant 15 months. I switch between watching April and Oliver and then to the Wash Zoo's panda cam. I love watching the roly-poly pandas...Even Miss Panty has liked watching, although she says their markings are "wrong" because she thinks they should be just like hers...
Mar 22, 2017 11:13PM DisneyGirl16 wrote:
Trill, I have been watching April the giraffe as well. I sure hope she has that baby soon. I have also been watching several eagle nest cameras. One nest has 2 eagle's that just hatched. They are so cute! I need to check out the panda cam again. I love watching them.
Molly, glad your surgery is over. Take it easy and heal quickly.
Lori, good to hear that you are doing well and that the raccoons are still around.
Mar 22, 2017 11:44PM Trill1943 wrote:
DisneyGirl, so good to hear from you! Where is the eagle cam? I used to watch those also..
April has such a big tummy...when I watch her lie down I kinda hurt for her....with that extra 150 pounds....but this is her fourth or fifth calf so she's used to it...i love how Oliver is over there watching...did you see the time the keeper opened the door and Oliver came over and it was hard getting them back in their stalls! April kept rubbing her long neck against him affectionately...
Mar 23, 2017 09:53AM DisneyGirl16 wrote:
No, Trill, I missed that interaction between April and Oliver. I'm surprised the keeper allowed that to happen. I have seen her put her head over the door to his stall and they rub their heads together. So cute!
Here are some of the eagle cams -
http://www.berry.edu/eaglecam/ - The babies in this nest are about ready to fledge.
https://hdontap.com/index.php/video/stream/pa-bald... - This is the nest with the 2 new eaglets.
Last year I was watching an owl nest but this year it has been taken over by osprey. (https://hdontap.com/index.php/video/stream/great-h...)
I love the picture of Miss P laying on her pillow.
Mar 23, 2017 01:57PM Trill1943 wrote:
Thanks for these links, will check them out.
Yes, Miss Panty loves that pillow! I was telling Molly about it in a post above. And she knows this particular pillow from the rest..
Mar 23, 2017 05:51PM WenchLori wrote:
Trill, I'm sure my raccoons would definitely run me ragged! 😂
Hi Disneygirl! How are you doing? I'm having a blast with my raccoons, possums and stray cats. I want to catch this one and make him my own lol
I wish I could watch April and Oliver but with our internet I'd use up all the bandwidth in no time and be in big trouble!
Until next time
Mar 23, 2017 10:29PM DisneyGirl16 wrote:
Lori, I am doing pretty well. What a beautiful cat. The stray that we had been caring for has not been around since the middle of January. I hope someone took him in and gave him a good home. My husband is allergic to cats so we couldn't let him in the house but we would let him stay in the garage when he wanted to. How interesting to see the possum getting along with the cat. My sister-in-law always has several strays at her house and one evening she saw a skunk family on her porch eating the cat food she put out. :-)
Mar 30, 2017 03:33PM WenchLori wrote:
Hi everyone! I had my last radiation treatment this morning! Yay me! I had to ring the bell 3 times and I received my graduation certificate and my celebration beads. It was more foofoo than I care for but the staff had a blast!
I'll be back later to catch up with everyone. It's my nap time 😴
Healing hugs to All 🤗
Mar 30, 2017 08:12PM Molly50 wrote:
Congratulations, Lori! Great picture!
Mar 30, 2017 11:22PM Trill1943 wrote:
Lori-- YAY to YOU! I love your photo! You look strong and healthy and GORGEOUS! Don't disparage the frou-frou stuff too much--it will be fun to look back on.... Great going, girl!
Molly--How are YOU? Healing OK?
A few weeks ago I had to change my email address--Verizon isn't doing email accounts any longer. This entailed a whole lot of hours changing my email address and notifying any and everybody and THEN updating my apple ID and iTunes and my iPhone and icloud--each a separate call to apple care...lots of time on hold....
It's all done now and I hope working OK. I see that on my gmail/google email they have a little circle with my picture inside. It's kinda neat and am gonna attach it here showing me taking my own picture at a weird kind of angle.....
Love to both of you and any others who may pop in here from me and Miss P....
Mar 31, 2017 03:22AM ChiSandy wrote:
Trill, you don't happen to have a hideously-aging portrait stashed in your attic, do you? You don’t look a day over 50!
Lori, that tabby on your deck is a bit of American history. “Blotched” or “classic” gray tabby cats (as opposed to thinner-striped “mackerel” tabbies) are generally believed to have been originally brought over from England on the Mayflower and the earliest Virginia-bound immigrant ships to control the rodent population onboard. The “domestic shorthair” in North America (i.e., felis catus, good ol' American mixed breed “alley” or “moggy” cat, not just the specific “American Shorthair” pedigreed breed) is a descendant of those first colonial kitties and is not native to the northern half of the Western Hemisphere. Other colorations, body builds, fur textures, etc. were due to the English tabbies having mated with other cats of varied colors in England—many of which were brought to England on ships from other European countries that had their own predominant breeds of felis catus (e.g. Norwegian Forest Cat, etc.) and were descended and interbred therefrom.
I know since it’s feral you probably haven’t been able to get up close & personal, but it’s even money that tabby is a polydactyl—as were the Mayflower cats, whose genes also eventually found their way down to modern-day Key West, which harbors a famous colony of polydactyl tabby cats descended by the colony beloved and kept by Ernest Hemingway.
Mar 31, 2017 05:23AM Trill1943 wrote:
Sandy, I'll root around and find that photo of myself hideously aging--prolly the one my brother took of me last winter right after surgery when I was sporting pink pockets loaded with drains and hadn't washed the hair in a week and was bleary-eyed from the oxycodone....
In the meantime, thanks for the compliment!
And while we're on the subject, YOU don't happen to have a photo of yourself that shows the Encyclopedia Brittanica and Wikipedia volumes you keep hidden most of the time revealed in all their glory, do you? Have no idea where you hide them but would sure like to see that....
And don't be shy!
Mar 31, 2017 08:27AM WenchLori wrote:
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
Trill, I agree with Sandy, you look marvelous!! AND after surgery photos don't count!! I also hate setting up new phones, computers yada, yada, yada! It just takes to long!
Sandy, thank you so much for the kitty history! You make me want to catch him and hug him and pet him and love him and make him my own even more! Now to think of a name for him?? I'm hoping he becomes a regular like Bob The Cat, Smokey Kitty, Yellow Cat and Baby Girl. There's been a few new ones stopping by but they run to fast for me to get a good look. I'm averaging about 40 lbs of cat food a week between the kitties, racoon and possums.
My raccoons have gotten a lot friendlier lately. I have a few that will come in the house to get their treats. I had my DH take video of them for me last night. One of them tried to run off with one of my blankets! It was hilarious!
Mar 31, 2017 01:41PM Trill1943 wrote:
Racccoons in the house? Now that sounds really fun! Lori, you crack me up--I don't think your love affair with your animals will ever reach an end-point-- not, that is, until you have them all actually living in your house with you and your dear husband!
Forty pounds a week--no WONDER they all want to hang out with you.
Would love to have seen that critter trying to run off with your blanket!