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All TopicsForum: IDC (Invasive Ductal Carcinoma) → Topic: My (perhaps controversial) thoughts as a "newbie" to CA.

Topic: My (perhaps controversial) thoughts as a "newbie" to CA.

Forum: IDC (Invasive Ductal Carcinoma) — Just diagnosed, in treatment, or finished treatment for IDC.

Posted on: Nov 11, 2015 08:35PM

Trill1943 wrote:

What an intense time!

I found a lump on my breast on my birthday--October 31. A fun Halloween party ended with this nice birthday present.

I hadn't had a mammogram in 13 years and know this was risky but the last two I had they called me back and it turned out to be nothing...shadows, etc. But it freaked me out so much I couldn't do it again.

Anyway, here's a lump. Had a mammogram last week and biopsy Monday and here it is Wednesday and I learned from my doctor it's IDC. I think he said no estrogen or--is it progesterone?--anyway, no receptors for either. The lingo is still new to me....

Here's the thing for me.

I'm 72. I have no one dependent on me but my lovely cat, Pantaloon.

I was hoping this would be DCIS and that a lumpectomy and some radiation would do the trick.

But now I think--I see oncology doc Tuesday--it's gonna be more--more than lumpectomy and radiation--more like extensive surgery and radiation and chemo and hormonal also.

I absolutely hate the idea of chemo--there is nothing worse to me than nausea and vomiting. Nothing. Give me aches and pains, strains, cuts, stomach aches, headaches, toothaches, severe stiff neck, groin strain--I can take them in triplicate. But the nausea I suffered after sinus surgery and general anesthesia was the worst I think I've ever known. I literally could not move an inch I was so ill--like the worst food poisoning in the world.

So this evening I've been going over and over things.

And a part of me wants to do---nothing.

To let nature do her thing. Yes, I know this means growth, spread, and death--but that's going to happen anyway.

I look at the tests, the surgery, the meds, the appointments, the destructive reality of radiation, the chemo that's going to shoot my entire body into a (poorly) defensive posture, the floppy old magazines on waiting room tables....

I think of the anxiety, the bland food (which sinus issues can lead to--no sense of smell=no sense of taste=no fun), the hair loss, the irritation, the low moods, the no-energy (but, perhaps, no good rest, either) and that handmaiden to any illness, that infernal guest: patient, inevitable depression.

All that trying for something, battling for something, but living on the knife-edge of Not Knowing If It's Gonna Come Back.

I like the idea of having some control over what's happening--knowing that it's my choice that's leading to my decline and end.

I decided not to have those mammograms, and had 13 years free of that anxiety.

There are worse things than death, and living in the purgatory-like limbo world of Will These Treatments Work That I AM Suffering Through? to me would be--hell. I've lost loved ones and dear friends to cancer over the years--and followed their courses of treatment...

Do I want to go through all that to gain, perhaps, a two-year extension to my life? Or do I want to just accept that--OK--I have a fatal disease?

I paced my living room after speaking with my doctor and thought:

"What if I just look at this as an incurable disease that I will learn to accept and deal with day to day? I've lived a good life and today am energetic and otherwise in good shape. Do I really want to battle at this point? Maybe I'll do better if I treat this diagnosis as if it were no different from ALS, MSA, Parkinson's, Alzheimer's? Maybe I'll find more peace by accepting cancer than from engaging in a war with it?"

I realize that this runs counter to the prevailing thinking, and know that the oncologist is gonna frown at me next week when I discuss this idea with him (if I get up the nerve). I know that there are thousands of sites discussing breast cancer and all that surrounds its treatment and diagnosis, and these are great. But few sites extoll the good that can arise from acceptance.

I want to enjoy the time I have left. To be the one to--let it be. To know that I am turning myself over to nature herself.

(Of course I would undoubtedly be seeing this differently were I younger and my heart and prayers go out to the fighters and the survivors of all ages.)

Who knows what gave me--us--this? They still haven't pinned down what cause the thousands of cancer types that exist. If there were proof-positive treatments--like drilling out decay from a tooth and filling it with a replacement will take care of a cavity--that didn't essentially poison the body in the process that would be a whole different matter entirely. Cancer is so manifold and mysterious a malady they can never promise a cure. Not yet, anyway.

Thanks for being here and letting me run my thoughts by an audience of the interested tonight! Glad I found this site to air them!

I still don't know what I'm gonna do and wonder if these racing thoughts are due to shock and fear. I may turn 180 degrees onto the other side. But for now they give me a sense of peace and calm that I haven't felt since--I felt the lump.

I wish the very best for all of you and would welcome any thoughts or comments you'd like to offer.

Dx 10/31/2015, IDC, Left, 1cm, Stage IA, Grade 3, 0/1 nodes, ER-/PR-, HER2- Surgery 12/13/2015 Lymph node removal: Sentinel; Mastectomy: Left, Right; Prophylactic mastectomy: Right
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Jul 13, 2017 05:13AM WenchLori wrote:

LOL I'm loving all the raccoon and bat stories. Racoons are such silly and skillful critters.

Trill, I had a bat get tangled in my hair when I was about 7 or 8... I think? From the way my brothers and sitter tell the story it was such a hilarious thing to watch. Me running and screaming all the way home!! It was quite a job getting it untangled and lucky for me I had enough hair so it could be cut out of my hair! My baby brother went out onto our porch one night after being told to stay in the house as there were all kinds of critters out and about and he could get hurt. Well, he just got out the door when he came back in screaming MONSTER!! MONSTER!! The monster was a bat hanging from the overhang on the roof above the porch. My brother never went outside at dark ever again and I never heard my mom and dad laugh so hard! Us youngins couldn't figure out what was so funny about a monster hanging from the porch roof?!

If I stop laughing, I'll start crying! Lori Dx 3/18/2016, IDC: Papillary, Left, 1cm, Stage IIA, Grade 2, 2/13 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 7/6/2016 Mastectomy: Left; Prophylactic mastectomy: Right; Reconstruction (left): Tissue expander placement; Reconstruction (right): Tissue expander placement Chemotherapy 8/5/2016 Taxol (paclitaxel) Radiation Therapy 2/20/2017 External: Chest wall Hormonal Therapy 5/23/2017 Arimidex (anastrozole) Chemotherapy AC
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Jul 15, 2017 11:56PM Trill1943 wrote:

Hi Lori--- Have been ailing with the flu for the past few days....it's a weird thing--today after getting the Safeway grocery order--there was no way I could tackle 90 degree heat with the flu, even though it's tapering off--I put things away, made up some Jell-O, and was feeling like my old self...voila, I thought, I'm over it! Then suddenly I just had to lie down...I felt all queasy and almost nauseous and just stunned with bad feelings.....I got up and put on my two Sea Bands, one per wrist, to press the pressure point related to nausea--and that seemed to help... But it struck me, that, o, no, it's not gone yet! So I just put the computer to the side....

There is one little tale that's sad about critters I want to share. I think you'll probably get a lump in your throat.

I guess I was five or six or maybe even younger. My brother Dick had a pet raccoon he called Jody. One day relatives were visiting us from DC, including my grandfather. Very proudly my brother brought out Jody. They were outside and he let Jody climb a lamp post, which got everybody giggling and laughing it was so cute. But Jody fell. And perished. So an otherwise so joyful sweet time was made tragic. I'm still so thankful that I was too young to be aware of what was happening--I just was told about it. (Or maybe I blocked it?) Well, we all have a sad story or two about our pets and other creatures, I know--since we tend to outlive them all.

Ever since, Dick has had this overwhelming love of critters. They drive him nuts! I'm gonna gather some of your best shots and send them to him to let him see what YOU have got going out there--I know he will love them like I do.

Keep cool! t

Dx 10/31/2015, IDC, Left, 1cm, Stage IA, Grade 3, 0/1 nodes, ER-/PR-, HER2- Surgery 12/13/2015 Lymph node removal: Sentinel; Mastectomy: Left, Right; Prophylactic mastectomy: Right
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Jul 16, 2017 09:55PM Molly50 wrote:

Trill, I am so sorry you are ill. Do you have anyone who checks on you?

54 years old. Chek2 mutation. Family history of BC. Oncotype Dx 13 Extensive LVI Dx 6/8/2015, IDC, Left, 2cm, Stage IIB, Grade 2, 2/9 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- (FISH) Dx 7/29/2015, DCIS, Left, <1cm, Stage 0, Grade 2, ER+/PR+ Surgery 7/29/2015 Lumpectomy: Left; Lymph node removal: Underarm/Axillary Surgery 9/4/2015 Mastectomy: Left; Reconstruction (left): Tissue expander placement Hormonal Therapy 10/13/2015 Arimidex (anastrozole) Radiation Therapy 10/20/2015 Whole-breast: Breast, Lymph nodes, Chest wall Hormonal Therapy 4/22/2016 Aromasin (exemestane) Surgery 7/22/2016 Prophylactic mastectomy: Right; Reconstruction (right): Tissue expander placement Surgery 3/21/2017 Reconstruction (left): Silicone implant; Reconstruction (right): Silicone implant
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Jul 17, 2017 07:01AM Trill1943 wrote:

Hi Molly--- Yes, if I really needed that I could call on a neighbor.....i was feeling yucky but able to get up when nature called and to scramble food and drink as needed....thanks for thinking of me!

I now feel like myself again... I thought it was gone but I felt that pinching feeling a little when i peed....and I wondered if the flu was actually from a recalcitrant UTI....but now the feeling is gone...so i dunno....I see my regular doc on wednesday and am gonna do a urine sample at the lab beforehand to see if it's indeed gone or not....

My thermometer broke and I wanted to see if maybe i had a fever...i ended up using my digital candy thermometer and it worked great!!!

Dx 10/31/2015, IDC, Left, 1cm, Stage IA, Grade 3, 0/1 nodes, ER-/PR-, HER2- Surgery 12/13/2015 Lymph node removal: Sentinel; Mastectomy: Left, Right; Prophylactic mastectomy: Right

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