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Feb 15, 2011 08:21PM
, edited Feb 16, 2011 11:59AM
Kelley, I was divorced, too, for many years prior to my dx, and my ex lived about 40 miles away. Our oldest was living on his own but still financially dependent on me for a good portion of his expenses; our youngest lived with me. My ex had long ago stopped paying CS for either of them, and the only thing I really asked of him was to at least give me a token amount (say $50) each month that I could give to the kids, or spend on a dinner out with them...something to make my life a little easier. I got nothing...a lot of lip service ("You're so strong...I can't believe you're working through all this...I really respect your work ethic." [my reaction: WTF?]). I don't think our youngest was even "invited" to spend the weekend with him where I didn't have to drive for delivery and pick-up. Naturally, when I said on a few occasions that I wasn't up to the drive, it was a different story. I was told I was using my illness as an excuse.
A little over a year ago he moved hundreds of miles away, so he's very much out of touch with what's going on in our lives. Still complains that no one visits him, but really, what did he expect?
I was not surprised at his behavior. When his grandmother was dying, he refused to visit her in the hospital saying he didn't want to remember her "that way". When his mother was dying, he also refused to visit her. Come to think of it, he avoids hospitals a lot. He wouldn't come to the delivery of our second child... a friend took me and acted as my birthing coach.
So there are some people who just can't handle illness, hospitals, medical treatments...everything that goes along with breast cancer. I hope you have a larger support network than just your ex and your children: friends, other family members. He might see the light and come through in a few ways, but you would be smart to make plans that don't include him (that way you won't be let down at a bad moment).
I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.
2/22/2008, IDC, Stage IIIa, Grade 2, 4/10 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
03/22/2008 Adriamycin, Cytoxan, Taxotere