Topic: Dating After Recostruction (and CANCER!)

Jan 30, 2010 10:25PM enjoylife wrote:

Hi everyone unfortuntaly its a lonely disease if your single i am a young 58 still have some chemo wieght on but going to work on working out in Feb its been almost 18 months since my last chemo and I still dont have my hair back which makes it even worst for women. Oh I get this at least once a week just be glad your alive this might come from somone who freaks if they have a bad hair day or a pimple its just amazing and I too think that no man will want me with this problem but maybe that is my hangup with the non hair I tend to stay isoliated ecept at work and home and grocery store and church and home and home and home. I still have to get my nipple on also this summer besides always wondering if its going to come back and slap me again to the bandaid on my head NO HAIR well its there but its like a old lady in a nursing home you cannot go without a hat anywhere you go...so I am here nd hear all of you

Maura the dog likes it I am home allot and she gets talked to every day huh.....

Jan 31, 2010 10:15AM Alitman wrote:

Music - I lived in Richmond for 6 months in early 2007.  I moved to NE in june 2008 and started this joourney in June 2009. 

Enjoy - I understand your position so very well.  I have been alone through this entire experience.  I had a prophy bilat - so I didn't lose my hair.  I am, however single and now 51 years old (as of Jan 21st).  To add to the aggrevation - I am overweight.  I will say it out loud - I am fat.  I am 5'5" and I weigh in at 220. 

 No one has seen or touched my foobs except the drs.  I have decided to get nips and a tummy tuck.  I am scheduled for these on april 6th. 

I want to get in shape and have managed to lose 10 lbs through this process - the foobs are bigger than my original ones.  I don't know how to start.  I need to get moving but have NO motivation and I am afraid to ask anyone for help. 

I find myself crying as I write this - so I must really be hitting a nerve within myself,  I can no longer do this alone - any suggestions?

Allison

Jan 31, 2010 12:15PM musiclovermom wrote:

Allison

I am with you on the weight! I am a few inches taller than you and a size 18 right now. I am so excited that I dropped from a 18W to a misses 18! This was so big for me - I have no idea what I weigh as I do not own a scale and close my eyes at the doctors, but one nurse commented that I had lost 40 lbs since I had been in. HA - cancer will do that for you! was my response.

I think the Tamoxifen has a lot to do with weight loss too. I have yet to join a gym as I am out of work right now and can not afford the extra bill until I get back to earning money.

I have tried to cut out carbs after 2 in the afternoon. If I am going to eat bread or pasta I do it early in the day. I eat protein and vegetables in the evening and try to  have dinner early.

I am by no means an expert but it has been working for me. I have been slowly losing weight and my breast surgeon noticed last week. I had not seen her in 3 months and it was the first thing she mentioned when she entered the room. My PS on the other hand, has not said anything, but I imagine it's because I see him every week and it's so gradual that he may not notice it.

I am hoping to go back to work the beginning of March and then join a gym. I was out shoveling snow this morning with a dust pan! I don't own a shovel living in Virginia and it was the only thing I could think of to allow me to clear a path with out hurting something or over working my pects. I was crouching down to reach the snow and had a great leg workout!

I like to walk around while shopping but I never buy anything. I just go shopping to get the walking in. Other than that, I really don't have much to offer. I live alone and it's easier to not eat if no one else is eating. When I go to friends and eat on their schedule, I tend to do the social overeating.

I find that I am drinking more fluids as I heard someplace that people tend to eat when they are really thirsty. I am hooked on sugar free pink lemonade. I probably drink that the most. I limited my juice intake as it has lots of calories.

I would love to have lipo or a tummy tuck after I lose all the weight I want to. Right now it is pointless as I have not really tried exercise yet. Hopefully exercise will tighten up the belly some.

I will be your partner in this if you want! We can set a goal and motivate each other! I would like to get down to 150! 175 is around a 14 for me but 150 is probably a 8/10 - or used to be. I am almost 5'8" and carry much of my weight in my hips and thighs. I can fluctuate 40 lbs before I have to change sizes.

Let me know what you think!

Kimberly

Feb 1, 2010 06:53PM Alitman wrote:

Wabiwoman - for some reason I thought you were in NY or somewhere up there.  Where in Nebraska do you live?  I live in Blair and  I am going to call the local YMCA - I planned on calling today from work, but I got sidetracked with my actual job..... Imagine that... too busy working to make a personal call.   LOL

Allie

Feb 2, 2010 07:04AM Alitman wrote:

You are too funny.  I have two boys 19 and 22.  My 19 year old and his best friend who is 20 live with me.  My older son lives in AZ with his dad.  I like SOME of the kids' music.  I like to listen to sublime, slightly stupid and there are a few I just don't know the names of - my favorites are much older - cat stevens, carol king, ella fitzgerald, nora jones & rosemary clooney.  I like the old standards and ballads (which is what I sing).  The kids love tech-9 and lots of other rap groups.  I really don't care for that genre. 

I can really identify with all your changes.  In the last year two years I have lived in 3 states, sold a house in AZ bought one here in NE - I moved away from all my friends and have only my kids here to spend time with and right now I am not happy with what is going on around here.  It is time for another "come to jesus" meeting. 

I think you SHOULD buy a shovel - the mental picture I have of shoveling with a dustpan is just too much to handle.  Even a rake would be better... Please don't hurt yourself. 

Allie

Feb 2, 2010 11:48AM nosurrender wrote:

Hi -

I am single too! I was first diagnosed in 2001 and had a lumpectomy and I found it was a lot easier than now. Three years ago today I had my second diagnosis and that required a bilateral mast. I had expanders and implants, did nine months of chemo, rads, etc., Dating after recon is a whole new ball game!

I gained 20 pounds from the chemo, too. This time, though, I got right on it because the first time I didn't do diddly about my weight post chemo. I joined the Y and started swimming. It cured my lymphedema which was a great bonus, and I ride the bike either at the Y or around here when it is warm enough ( I live in NY)

I changed my diet to whole grains, no butter only olive oil, lots of vegetables and I eat all the pasta I want because it is whole grain with flax, which is good for fighting cancer too. The best motivation I have to work out is that studies have shown that regular exercise reduces your risk of recurrence by 50%. After having BC twice- I don't want it again!

I have learned that, yes, as you said above, that there are men out there who are deeper and worth waiting for. Don't waste your time with men who are going to make you feel worse about yourself.

I have done a lot of work on dating after cancer and I would be happy to share anything I can with you all.

hugs,

g

Feb 3, 2010 07:17AM musiclovermom wrote:

Hi G - glad you joined this thread! Please help us as much as you can!

Hi Allie! I guess our first goal should be to check the Y and any other gyms to see what they offer at a time of day that is convenient for us. If they have the classes I want at the wrong time of day it isn't doing me any good.

You sound like me with the no life!  I tell all my friends I have no life, I am just boring and I suppose I need to make a few new friends that are single and just GO OUT some place. Staying at home all the time does not seem to be working!

We each need to check out at least one place to exercise - should be able to accomplish that by Sunday!

 Kimberly

Feb 5, 2010 08:24AM musiclovermom wrote:

Wendy that is too funny! Was he 15 years older? Sounds like he is insecure with the name dropping and bragging.

I have heard of people texting under the table to have a friend create an emergency to get out of bad dates!

You had a date and KNOW your are not desperate! Just keep us posted! Love to hear what is going on!

Kimberly

Feb 5, 2010 03:29PM nosurrender wrote:

Hi guys,

I am smiling at some of your dating observations... I went on a date once with a guy I met through an online site.  It was so dreadful that I excused myself to go to the ladies room, slipped out the back door and drove home! And then there as another one who had the best picture on his profile. He had a sail boat and seemed too good to be true. He arranged for us to meet  on my beach, he would sail over. The beach was crowded with lots of boats. I had on a suit that covered my scars and my hair was, well, it was humid out so I did the best I could! I see this guy sail up and get out of his boat. He walked up to me. The only problem was it was not the guy in the profile. It was someone TOTALLY different and not in a good way. Yep, it was him. He used someone else's picture I guess. So you know what the first thing he said to me? " You look different from your picture!"

There are a lot of frogs out there  we have to weed through before we find our princes!

about the Y... my Y has a pool and a weight room and cardio room. They also have classes.  When I first started there I went straight to the pool. I took off my wig in the locker room and then put on my bathing cap. Eventually I ditched the wig walked around like a normal person. I would swim and use the bike. I have wanted to take a class but the timing has always been off for me.

Anyway, these are just some random thoughts I thought I would add.... 

I just want to reiterate, there ARE great men out there- men worthy of US.

hugs,

g

Feb 6, 2010 08:20AM sushanna1 wrote:

Bigapple--Those questions are just too weird.  Worst date I ever had was a blind date about 20 years ago.  The guy had a fair amount of inherited money (a lot for where I live, not in a bigger geographical context) and was a nationally (or at least east coast) known collector.  He lived about 40 miles from me and I was fixed up by a much older single male friend who thought this guy to be a good "catch."  The first contact was awful.  A phone conversation that almost ended up in an argument, but I thought I should give the guy a chance.  Bad decision.  When he picked me up for a dinner date, he desperately wanted me to admire his car, a fairly new BMW.  I didn't notice.  He then pointed it out to me with the comment,  "most girls don't notice but...".  During dinner, he asked me to use my hands to restyle my hair and then told me that I should wear my hair differently.  It also became clear to me that he was eager to reproduce quickly so that his heirs would inherit some money.  After the hair incident, I was annoyed and eager to flee.  

When he told me that if I styled my hair as he suggested that I would look like Faye Dunaway, his favorite actress, I knew what to do.  I told him that I really admired Faye Dunaway because like me, she refuses to shave her armpits.  I suggested that he watch her next film carefully to see for himself.   Did the trick!  I never heard from him again.

Feb 6, 2010 08:39AM Alitman wrote:

This is hysterical.....Wendy - I can only imagine the sizing up for the basement containment... I would have run screaming out of the restaurant.... Good thing we all know to take our OWN cars or at the very least know the bus schedule!!! 

 My mother used to tell me that all I needed to take on a date is a condom and a quarter.  We all know what the condom was for - the quarter was for a phone call to get picked up if you didn't like the date.  LIfe before cell phones....

 I am going to call the local Y today to see what they have to offer.  This is a very small town in the middle of nowhere but you never know.... maybe this is one of those areas where lots of women have bc issues - we are fairly close to a nuclear power plant,,,,

I'll let you know what I find out.

Allison

Feb 6, 2010 09:38AM plainjane64 wrote:

Hi girls,

Hope you don't mind if I join you.  Feel as if I'm just getting back into this arena.....yet not exactly yet?  Here goes....I haven't had a boyfriend/serious relationship in ....eeks!  almost 3 yrs!  Had a hot and heavy during my first issue(ADH).  Then we split up for other reasons.  Then wow, may have had a random date or interest, got busy w/....life, sold a house, bought another.  Was JUST beginning to work less and trying to resume a social life, single at 43 when BOOM- BC diagnosis in the other breast....had lumpect/rads initially.  THEN couldn't lose the worry,esp w/ issues post rads-constant pain, seroma, cellulitis,mos later, etc. Did more research and decided  on BLM and immed recon via DIEP.  I had stage 1  Sept 22 2009, and stage 2 about 8 weeks ago.  I have NO doubt I did the right thing for me.  BUT.....YES, the entire process has been somewhat consuming!  BUT, I am VERY happy w/ my new body!.....and as my L breast 'problem area' continues to slowly improve I think I will like my body even more than pre ANY breast surgeries.  I have met men during the entire process.  There was mutual attraction.  We start talking  and try as I might to keep from making him 'abreast' of all this....Invariably the topic comes up.  It does feel like date repellant ya know!  I think there is such mystery and fear because most men....actually most of the general public, really do not know how awesome recon has actually become.  I will say I chose my recon surgeons based on not only their success rate and skill level BUT on the fact that the scars I have look like no more than a lift or reduction.  That was huge to me. While I have no issues now showing other people(women) my new breasts.  I think .....have always felt the real measure of how great the recon is remains:  Can you tell I've had a mastectomy?  My friends say no.  Anyhoo, yes....If/when I meet someone, or the next Mr. Fabulous....Yeah......if this stuff scares him off he's not the right guy......so perhaps this has just become a better filtering process?  Regardless, I need to get out more.  Can't wait to wear the tight fleur de lis tshirt tomorrow!  Thanks for letting me weigh in on the subject.  Hope I have some dating stories to tell soon!  Cheers! 

Feb 11, 2010 07:21PM Alitman wrote:

I spoke with the fitness director at my local Y - she advised me that should would not recommend anything other than maybe some water aerobics and even then she would recommend against arm stuff unless I brought in a note from my dr advising what I can and can't do.... Not very helpful if you ask me,,,,,,

Allison

Feb 14, 2010 07:37AM musiclovermom wrote:

Hello Ladies!

Happy Valentine Day! 

I am off to church (first time in a long time) then treating myself to a 60 min massage. I would do the mani - pedi thing today too - but no nail polish for thursday's exchange... Don't want to ruin a perfectly good paint job - I'll get that done next week as a reward for the new girls!

Still no man in my life other than the magic PS who is building me new perky boobs that won't try to kill me!

A friend did mention that a guy was checking me out while we were in line at a store the other day... Hmmm he was like the age of my grand father... Like Wendy, I might have issues with men 15 years older than me. Too close to my Dad's age.

I guess there is no point in rushing things... I am more interested in the soft squishy implants being installed this week!

Allie! I did finally talk to a fitness club and was told to make an appointment with the director to go over my needs with reconstruction exercises...  Hope they have a trainer who is knowledgeable.

Other than that V-Day is going to be as lonely as New Years was...

Kimberly

Feb 14, 2010 02:31PM musiclovermom wrote:

I missed you Wendy!

Loved the almost scandal on EC! LOL I had to scroll back up to see who wanted to feel their husband too!  I would feel mine if I had one.

Today I had my last massage before my exchange and it was just what I needed! I will have to wait at least a month before I go back and then probably can't lie on my stomach for a while - will wait to see what my PS has to say about massages after surgery.

So far this V-Day does not suck as much as I anticipated it would. I am focusing on me and what I want. Pampering myself is something I would never have done before.

I may be alone but I am not lonely today - or for the rest of the week either.

Have a good rest of the weekend!

Kimberly