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Topic: Dating After Recostruction (and CANCER!)

Forum: Singles With Breast Cancer —

Singles with breast cancer who want to connect.

Posted on: Sep 28, 2009 04:28PM

elizzim wrote:

Hi friends,

I thought I would start a new topic, since I know there MUST be others like me out there?! I was diagnosed last December (2008), and 2009 was spent in treatment thus far: bilateral MX w/ TE's, chemo, and then exchange to Allergan 410's (Gummies). Facing cancer did one great thing for me: it taught me that I do, really want to experience love again in my life.

I'm a very young 47, single (divorced with 2 beautiful daughters), and faced with the prospect of dating as a completely different, less confident person than I was before I last dated, before BC. It's funny - I managed to stay pretty positive and hopeful through treatment. But ironically, now that it's mostly over (except for tamoxifen for 5 yrs) I feel a kind of sadness - even depression setting in. The fear about my future, the loss of my breasts, the uncertainty about how a man might react to my new breasts - all of this makes me doubt myself and my chance of finding love, even though I've always been a pretty confident woman in that department. I feel as though I shouldn't even put myself out there (with the short hair, reconstuction, etc.), that it would be a miracle to find someone who could feel about me the way men have felt about me in the past.

I know, intellectually, that good men are out there, that love happens to people in the thick of treatment, that I am more than my "looks". But on a gut level, it feels like the wind has been taken out of my sails.

Can anyone relate to this? Where did you begin to search, for those of you that are taking care of children, and don't get out there much? 

Liz Dx 12/9/2008, IDC, 1cm, Stage I, Grade 3, 0/8 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2-
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Posts 91 - 120 (269 total)

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Feb 14, 2010 08:49PM Bigapple09 wrote:

That is awesome Allison cheers to you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dx 11/2002, 0/3 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2-
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Feb 14, 2010 11:58PM musiclovermom wrote:

Allie! Yea! a date! wa hoo!

Dx 7/21/2009, IDC, 1cm, Stage II, Grade 3, 0/6 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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Feb 16, 2010 02:56AM makingway wrote:

Has anyone ever heard of a website called prescriptionforlove.com? I heard about it on a radio talkshow in Los Angeles. The host said it was for people who had various health conditions and want to date/meet others. What do you think???

Visit my website for helpful tips when using cold caps:penguincoldcap.wix.com/help Dx 3/2/2009, ILC, 4cm, Stage IIB, Grade 2, 1/19 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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Feb 16, 2010 08:15AM musiclovermom wrote:

makingway - I have not heard of it but think I will check it out just to see what the atmosphere is like.

It can't be any worse than the rest of them... Or maybe it is way worse!!! LOL I am going to check their web page.... Let you know what I think...

Kimberly

Dx 7/21/2009, IDC, 1cm, Stage II, Grade 3, 0/6 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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Feb 16, 2010 08:16AM - edited Feb 16, 2010 08:30AM by musiclovermom

OMG! the first thing that popped up was finding singles with HERPES!

The more I read it seemed to be a dating service for people with STD's... still reading.

I did a search... but feel this is geared to people with more serious health issues than I have. I can see the value of it for the conditions that are listed. I think this is actually a great website! If I know of someone with the need I would definitely send them to this site! LOVE the idea.

Dx 7/21/2009, IDC, 1cm, Stage II, Grade 3, 0/6 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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Feb 16, 2010 08:43AM Alitman wrote:

Wow....  I think dating is hard enough without signing up for an STD.  I've already been through enough thank you!!!  LOL

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Feb 21, 2010 03:48PM Alitman wrote:

Kimberly - you have been so inspiring to me since your exchange that I got on my treadmill today.  I did one of the pre-programed weight-loss cycles on level 2 for 30 minutes.  I am very proud of myself - although I know that sounds lame - but just taking the time and making the effort has been so hard for me.... All I have to do now is do it again and soon!!!

Allie

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Feb 21, 2010 06:09PM musiclovermom wrote:

Allie - I have not exercised in over 6 years! I can't figure out how I could inspire anyone! LOL I am almost wetting my pants laughing so hard... OH - DOES THAT COUNT AS AB WORK???? Laughing hurts my belly it must be good for crunches!

My excuse is my exercise bike is in my friend's garage right now... no chance of me getting on it. I did shower and blow dry my hair - but did not do makeup or use the flat iron to straighten my hair... that would make me sweat!

I am glad you are doing good things for yourself! You deserve to be happy & healthy!

I am sitting here with a big bowl of guacamole and organic corn chips for dinner! It must be working because I pulled out a pair of size16 jeans and wore them to the movies this afternoon! YES, that's right I said 16!!! and I could sit down and breathe at the same time!

I saw Shutter Island - all alone - no date and no friends were available... I got out of the house and that is what counted... Plus not many of my friends wanted to see scary movies...

I figure the more I go out and do stuff the better my chances are at meeting people.

You made my day! Thanks for the laugh... Living alone sucks, but it must agree with me as all my friends seem to think I am happier now and I am losing weight too. I was miserable but just didn't know it. My husband leaving me was the best thing that ever happened to me. I found my cancer at a very early stage and thank him for saving my life...

I can wait for the right person... I deserve the right person... we will see if someone deserves me?

Kimberly

Dx 7/21/2009, IDC, 1cm, Stage II, Grade 3, 0/6 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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Feb 22, 2010 05:21PM vision4utoo wrote:

Liz,

I am in the same position - I have had some men approach me during everything and just thought "if you knew what was really going on...", I was also dating at time of Dx and he took off, actually with an aquaintance and they are married now...SO happy it wasn't me!

But I have considered dating now - and have the same fears - not fears...I am proud, not embarrassed - but how many times does one have to say, "I had cancer, I am in remission, no these aren't mine...yes, it may come back..."  Yes, he will have to be special...

Dx 6/19/2008, IDC, 3cm, Stage IIA, Grade 2, 0/12 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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Feb 22, 2010 06:03PM musiclovermom wrote:

Hey Liz! Welcome and please add any thing you think might be helpful or NOT helpful too!

I don't even begin to know where to meet men or how to get a date! I was thinking of getting a t shirt that says HELL YES THEY'RE FAKE - THE REAL ONES TRIED TO KILL ME and wear that to karaoke night - it should get some comments... First I would have to actually go out to karaoke night...

I haven't looked at another man since 1984... well, looked maybe, but not anything else... I wouldn't know what to do on a date... At some point in my life I would like to have sex again so I told my PS he better do a good job because I am taking the new girls out for a test drive this summer after I get my nips!

Kimberly

Dx 7/21/2009, IDC, 1cm, Stage II, Grade 3, 0/6 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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Feb 22, 2010 07:17PM Bigapple09 wrote:

Kimberly you crack me up.

Dx 11/2002, 0/3 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2-
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Feb 22, 2010 07:23PM Alitman wrote:

Kimberly - I love the idea of taking the girls out for a test drive.... Too funny.  As for karaoke night - next time I am in Richmond - we'll go out for a night of singing.

Allie

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Feb 22, 2010 07:43PM - edited Feb 22, 2010 07:43PM by musiclovermom

It's a DATE! Probably the only one I will have!

There is a comdey club called the Funny Bone - supposed to be really good!

How have you been Wendy?

Dx 7/21/2009, IDC, 1cm, Stage II, Grade 3, 0/6 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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Mar 6, 2010 12:22PM jeaniept wrote:

Hi Liz...I am so glad to have found this discussion you began!!! To know I am not alone. I have been to 2 different BC support groups and for the most part, the woman there were married, and had husbands to see them through. They would not be revealing their "new" body to someone new..I have not had a steady boyfriend for 8 years. I have dated but it was casual for the most part. Now I am about to turn 50, and have a brand-new implant on the right side, no nipple yet, but I plan to get one, and I am wondering "What will it be like?" when I am intimate with someone. And yes, when do I let a potential BF know. It's kind of a sacred bit of information....A male friend said re this concern: "Remember one thing~any man you will be in bed with will be there with you, wonderful Jeanie...not your implant." And I also know this will raise the bar for the quality of man I will be dating in the future. If I tell them my story and they dash off, they're not strong enough for me! Laughing So I think in a way, it bodes well for my dating future, even though I am a little uptight about it! I will continue to read the rest of the posts, I see there are many!! Be well~Jeanie
Jeanie Dx 6/19/2009, DCIS, Right, 1cm, Stage 0, Grade 1, 0/3 nodes, HER2+ Surgery 8/30/2009 Mastectomy: Right Surgery 2/1/2010 Mastectomy: Right; Reconstruction (right): Silicone implant Surgery 2/2/2011 Reconstruction (right): Silicone implant
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Mar 6, 2010 12:41PM karenmarie1 wrote:

Well, Ladies I am so glad this topic is being discussed!!  

I had my first dx at age 41 in 2001. I had a BF. He was fine with it. I had a mast. and a tram flap recon. We broke up and I was single for several years, then I had a two year relationship, he did not care either. (of course that relationship ended too, and now he is getting married - I do not care 'cause he was a jerk!Wink

NOW, I have been single a couple of years,  I have been DX's with a local recurrence and will be on the nasty aromisin for five years. (just started this wk). I am scared to death about dating. I think I need to see how this med will effect me before I jump back in the dating game. LOL I am only 50 & I think I may be single for a very long time!!   

My chihuahua will keep me company!

Karen Marie Orig DX 2/2001,IDC, 5cm, Stage IIb, Grade 2, 0/7 nodes, A/C 6 rounds, CHF Due to Chemo, 7/2005, Recurrence, 1/26/2010, Recurrence 11/2012 Stage IV, Taxol 11/2012, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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Mar 6, 2010 01:33PM musiclovermom wrote:

Hi jeaniept & karenmarie1 - You most definitely are not alone in this being single while dealing with reconstruction stuff.

I still haven't had a date yet, but it has only been a year since my husband left me. I just had my exchange surgery 2 weeks ago and now I guess it is time to start figuring out where to meet men.

I gave my PS a big hug yesterday and almost cried because he has done such a good job, now it's my turn to put it to good work. I will have 2 months before we talk nipples. He told me to get back to normal for a while. HA - what is normal? I haven't got a clue.

Last night I stayed home and went to bed early because I was tired. Today I can't seem to leave the house with out a reason or a place to go. I will never make any new friends if I don't leave the house. I don't know where to go or know what to do. Tonight I am going to friends' for dinner but that is more like a family thing - no men my age! Just Dads & Uncles...

If anyone has suggestions, I am all for hearing them!

Kimberly

Dx 7/21/2009, IDC, 1cm, Stage II, Grade 3, 0/6 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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Mar 7, 2010 12:49PM franie wrote:

No you are not alone. I am a bilat and did not reconstruct. I am a DDD and wear prosthetics and am afraid to try and date. I don't know how I would explain the two large objects on my chest are for appearance only. When being held, dancing or other close encounters I would not feel the closeness and would not have any reaction. I'm not sure what message this would send. Even though my chest is very smooth and my scaring is minimal I am sure it would be a turn off. So even when I meet a man I am afraid to pursue dating.

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Mar 17, 2010 10:17AM - edited Mar 17, 2010 10:23AM by musiclovermom

Hello Ladies!

Happy St. Patrick's Day to all.

I went out last Saturday night...  NOT with a man, but two women - better than a man at this point! 

We went to a local bar and watched Karaoke. I decided to be the designated driver and had a glass of wine at 9 pm but never finished it by the time we left at 1 am. I think I drank several glasses of water...

I had two men interested in me. They both tried to give me their phone numbers. WTF? As if I would be so desperate to call a drunk guy that didn't ask me for my number. He would never even remember which one I was... I have to think that if they really are interested, they will stop by my store and see me when sober.

I don't tell people where I live, but I will let them know where I work - both men had been in my store before and knew it by name.

The really weird part was that not one of them stared at my new boobs! I was a little disappointed. I look at them constantly and was expecting some one to notice...

On the other hand, it reminded me of before... when men liked my hips and thighs... The drunker guy commented on how my hips and legs were driving him nuts, so I on purpose got up and went to the restroom several time to let him watch... LMAO

I love these new girls and realized that they balance me out nicely. This is what I kept telling my PS. I want the BIGGEST boobs I can have but don't want to look like a bimbo - I want to be balanced. I may just attract leg men... That's a good thing since now my boobs are not sexual to me - I lost that erogenous zone with the nipples.

I don't have anything planned this weekend, but next weekend I hope to meet a friend for dinner and Karaoke. It won't be the same bar - there has got to be better places than the one I went to...

I will report back on any adventures I have...

Kimberly

Dx 7/21/2009, IDC, 1cm, Stage II, Grade 3, 0/6 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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Mar 24, 2010 12:31PM musiclovermom wrote:

Hey Ladies!

I have a DATE tomorrow night!

I am so excited and nervous - it's from the Internet... I have not mentioned BC but wonder when the subject will come up. We are meeting for dinner at a restaurant. I am playing it safe and he does not know where I live.

I will report back with any news!

Dx 7/21/2009, IDC, 1cm, Stage II, Grade 3, 0/6 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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Mar 24, 2010 07:38PM Bigapple09 wrote:

woo hooo

Dx 11/2002, 0/3 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2-
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Mar 25, 2010 09:50PM musiclovermom wrote:

Just got home from my DATE! it was good and I did get kissed!

Dx 7/21/2009, IDC, 1cm, Stage II, Grade 3, 0/6 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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Mar 26, 2010 08:44AM nosurrender wrote:

Hi everyone,

So glad to see this discussion is still going strong.  Great News about your date!

I have been a member here since 2004 and have had breast cancer twice and I finally wrote a book about our lives AFTER breast cancer.

it is called,

Intimacy After Breast Cancer, Dealing with Your Body, Your Relationships and Sex.

I wrote it to help all of us.

Love,

g

nosurrenderbreastcancerhelp.org ~What a long, strange trip it's been...
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Mar 26, 2010 10:29AM musiclovermom wrote:

nosurrender - Where can I find your book?

I need help on the intimacy part desperately! I had a date and hope for another one, but would like to have a plan if I get the chance to be intimate. I had a flood of emotions after I got home last night and wouldn't want to have a meltdown at the wrong time.

Dx 7/21/2009, IDC, 1cm, Stage II, Grade 3, 0/6 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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Mar 26, 2010 10:43AM nosurrender wrote:

That is exactly why I wrote it! You can get it on amazon right now. It won't be available in bookstores for another couple of weeks yet.

It is called:

Intimacy After Breast Cancer, A Practical Guide to Dealing with your Body, your Relationships and Sex

by Gina Maisano

Please let me know how you are doing!!

love

g

nosurrenderbreastcancerhelp.org ~What a long, strange trip it's been...
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Mar 26, 2010 10:46AM musiclovermom wrote:

Found it for just $13.22

Thanks 

Kimberly

Dx 7/21/2009, IDC, 1cm, Stage II, Grade 3, 0/6 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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Mar 26, 2010 06:10PM franie wrote:

musiclovermom, like you I am scared to death. I am a bilat and wear prosthetics. I have a date tonight and not sure what to expect or do. I know we will be dancing and if we get close I won't feel it. Yes, as a DDD I know we will be touching. I really don't want to say anything particularly on a first date. Oh well, I guess I will play it be ear as the saying goes. Any date is better than no date. Tired of staying home alone.

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Mar 26, 2010 06:33PM - edited Oct 21, 2010 08:35PM by Bigapple09

This Post was deleted by Bigapple09.
Dx 11/2002, 0/3 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2-
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Mar 26, 2010 10:40PM musiclovermom wrote:

Franie - I ended up telling my date after the date ( I was home and we were online video chating) about my BC since we brushed upon the subject of my friend's surgery that day...

He said the nicest thing: BREASTS DON'T MAKE THE WOMAN... THE WOMAN MAKES THE BREASTS... 

I thought that was very nice... I took it as  he thought of the person inside first...

Wendy - you are my inspiration! I love your confidence and attitude!

Kimberly

Dx 7/21/2009, IDC, 1cm, Stage II, Grade 3, 0/6 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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Mar 27, 2010 12:33AM nosurrender wrote:

Kimberly, what a great date thing for him to say!

Bigapplemom, I have been meaning to tell you that we have the same PS. He and I go waaay back. You are in GREAT hands! He is operating on me again the beginning of April. I was someone who had a lot of problems with my implants, too. Good luck!

 My experience with meeting men now is that if they google me they find out immediately about my breast cancer and recon, etc. I guess it weeds out quite a few of the jerks!

nosurrenderbreastcancerhelp.org ~What a long, strange trip it's been...
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Mar 27, 2010 08:36AM - edited Oct 21, 2010 08:36PM by Bigapple09

This Post was deleted by Bigapple09.
Dx 11/2002, 0/3 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2-

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