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Topic: Dating After Recostruction (and CANCER!)

Forum: Singles With Breast Cancer —

Singles with breast cancer who want to connect.

Posted on: Sep 28, 2009 01:28PM

elizzim wrote:

Hi friends,

I thought I would start a new topic, since I know there MUST be others like me out there?! I was diagnosed last December (2008), and 2009 was spent in treatment thus far: bilateral MX w/ TE's, chemo, and then exchange to Allergan 410's (Gummies). Facing cancer did one great thing for me: it taught me that I do, really want to experience love again in my life.

I'm a very young 47, single (divorced with 2 beautiful daughters), and faced with the prospect of dating as a completely different, less confident person than I was before I last dated, before BC. It's funny - I managed to stay pretty positive and hopeful through treatment. But ironically, now that it's mostly over (except for tamoxifen for 5 yrs) I feel a kind of sadness - even depression setting in. The fear about my future, the loss of my breasts, the uncertainty about how a man might react to my new breasts - all of this makes me doubt myself and my chance of finding love, even though I've always been a pretty confident woman in that department. I feel as though I shouldn't even put myself out there (with the short hair, reconstuction, etc.), that it would be a miracle to find someone who could feel about me the way men have felt about me in the past.

I know, intellectually, that good men are out there, that love happens to people in the thick of treatment, that I am more than my "looks". But on a gut level, it feels like the wind has been taken out of my sails.

Can anyone relate to this? Where did you begin to search, for those of you that are taking care of children, and don't get out there much? 

Liz Dx 12/9/2008, IDC, 1cm, Stage I, Grade 3, 0/8 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2-
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Mar 27, 2010 09:49AM nosurrender wrote:

Hi BigApple,

Dr. Israeli is my doc. He is the best. You would be in great hands with him and the people he has working with him are wonderful. I've had a ton of problems because of having cancer and rads twice, but he has worked miracles on me! If you ever want to talk, just send me a PM :)

gina

nosurrenderbreastcancerhelp.org ~What a long, strange trip it's been...
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Mar 27, 2010 12:57PM franie wrote:

musiclovermom, sounds like you may have a keeper. Any more dates planned. I survived the night. It really was a nice date. BC didn't come up. He complimented me on my appearance and said he enjoyed our conversation. He did kiss me goodnight and even though I didn't fell it I know he had to be against my false front when we danced and kissed. I hope he calls again, maybe I will bring up BC then.

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Mar 27, 2010 03:54PM Bigapple09 wrote:

Hi Gina:

Thank you, his office really is amazing they are all so nice.

Franie: I am so glad you had a great time.

Dx 11/2002, 0/3 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2-
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Mar 27, 2010 05:45PM musiclovermom wrote:

Franie! So glad you had fun!

The thing about this man is that he will only be in the area until June - I don't know if it is the beginning or end of June.

I know this is a short term friendship and I am not ready for a serious relationship. He has his construction crew in town and we hit it off. When the job is done, they will be somewhere else.

I will enjoy it while it lasts and keep reminding myself it's only till June.

The first date was great and we should be doing something this week but if we don't I felt normal for a night and can move forward.

Dx 7/21/2009, IDC, 1cm, Stage II, Grade 3, 0/6 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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Mar 28, 2010 10:26AM franie wrote:

musiclovermom,  it sounds as though this could be a perfect relationship for you. Not to serious, short term, and it makes you feel good. I am happy for you. We all should be so lucky. Let me know how it goes in the future.

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Mar 28, 2010 11:06AM Sexy-bald-chemo-girl wrote:

Hi everyone! I wanted to say thanks to all of you. I've been reading your comments and struggling with my own issues about dating and even "gasp" sex after my reconstruction.

 I am thrilled to report that while my dating life is picking up a little slowly -- my sex life exploded in a wonderful way. I'm hoping that I can sustain that momentum.

I have one reconstructed breast and it is significantly smaller than my remaining natural breast. I was terrified that any man I decided to be intimate with would have a problem with that. But, it hasn't turned out to be that way. I am very hopful that things are going to fall into place. And I'm super-excited now about having my natural breast reduced to match the reconstruction.

I'm really hopeful. I have two dates next week. I have an out of town date in two weeks and then a trip to Miami with friends where I have 3 guys meeting me to hang out. Options... lots and lots of options. I am very excited right now.

40, no kids, never been married... How is this fair? Dx 7/28/2008, IDC, 2cm, Stage IIIA, ER+, HER2+
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Mar 28, 2010 09:21PM nosurrender wrote:

Wow you guys are getting out there! That is fantastic!

Franie, what a great report. I am so glad you met someone so nice.

Musiclovermom, I am so hopeful that these next couple of months with him will be wonderful. it sounds like you are off to a great start.

Hi Sexy-Bald-Chick- you go girl! two dates next week and more the following? Yay!

Confidence is sexier than anything in the world. Sounds like you three are smokin hot.

Big Apple, if you need anything let me know. I'll be happy to help.

nosurrenderbreastcancerhelp.org ~What a long, strange trip it's been...
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Mar 30, 2010 06:35AM - edited Mar 30, 2010 03:25PM by musiclovermom

Gina - I have ordered your book but it has not come in the mail yet... I have another date tonight with the man who said the nicest thing about breasts not making the woman.

I am feeling like myself, actually my very OLD self! The long ago forgotten person.  As in the person I was before I got married and spent 25 years with a man who decided at 50 he did not want to be married to me anymore. I have only been with my husband since I was 18.

This new friendship reminds me of the excitement of a HS date. I don't know how to date - YIKES and just anticipating that first kiss was killer! I have so much more baggage than just cancer and no nipples. It was a REALLY good KISS!

Sexy-bald-chemo-girl - You sound like you have it all figured out compared to me!

NOW for the big questions - We need to start discussing sex!

BECAUSE I WANT TO HAVE SEX AGAIN AT SOME POINT IN MY LIFE!

Is there a thread to discuss sex stuff on here or is it taboo? What does taking Tamoxifen do to our body chemistry - will oral sex be offensive to a partner now? I occasionally have a slight discharge and wonder about things that will be different because I have no feed back from my husband as he left before cancer. UGGH I am driving myself crazy with questions!

Anyone have advice? I need that book and it will probably arrive after my date... No time to read anything before tonight. I guess I will drink pineapple juice by the quarts just in case!

Can you all tell I obsess over the smallest things that are not even an issue yet? I need to be prepared well in advance... LOL                  HELP!

Kimberly

Dx 7/21/2009, IDC, 1cm, Stage II, Grade 3, 0/6 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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Mar 30, 2010 03:28PM - edited Mar 30, 2010 03:29PM by musiclovermom

canceled the date... still working... working is inconvenient! I do not have a free night open the rest of the week... Why did I pick up a shift Friday? Maybe Sunday... but I have plans for Easter already.... But maybe I will get the book before the next date!

At least I won't be stressing tonight about things...

Dx 7/21/2009, IDC, 1cm, Stage II, Grade 3, 0/6 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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Mar 30, 2010 09:10PM jeaniept wrote:

Thanks SO much, SBC Girl, for your hopeful story. I needed to hear it. I am 2 months post-implant (right side, left one is still natural breast) and I have been wondering how it will all go when I date again. (I was never married, am not dating now.) I have been projecting negatively I realize, whicn doesn't help! I am happy to hear of your triumph!

Jeanie

Jeanie Dx 6/19/2009, DCIS, Right, 1cm, Stage 0, Grade 1, 0/3 nodes, HER2+ Surgery 8/30/2009 Mastectomy: Right Surgery 2/1/2010 Mastectomy: Right; Reconstruction (right): Silicone implant Surgery 2/2/2011 Reconstruction (right): Silicone implant
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Mar 30, 2010 09:14PM jeaniept wrote:

Music Lover Mom--Check out the thread here called "Mojo without Matrimony."

Jeanie Dx 6/19/2009, DCIS, Right, 1cm, Stage 0, Grade 1, 0/3 nodes, HER2+ Surgery 8/30/2009 Mastectomy: Right Surgery 2/1/2010 Mastectomy: Right; Reconstruction (right): Silicone implant Surgery 2/2/2011 Reconstruction (right): Silicone implant
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Mar 31, 2010 06:41PM Alitman wrote:

Kimberly - I never got a chance to say thanks for having dinner with me in your town last week.  I had a great time.  Last night I got a call from Roberto - what a surprise!!  It made my night.  He wanted to know if I was going to be back in VA anytime soon.  Too bad nothing on my agenda except revision surgery with the addition of nips and my tummy tuck next week.  I am beginning to get really nervous and excited. 

Allie

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Mar 31, 2010 06:55PM Bigapple09 wrote:

WOOO HOOO to everyone.

Dx 11/2002, 0/3 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2-
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Mar 31, 2010 07:19PM musiclovermom wrote:

Allie - I had the best time with you! I feel like we have know each other for ever!

Roberto needs to make a trip to O MA ha !!!!!

I will be thinking of you the whole time you are recovering!

I am the one who should be thanking YOU for dinner!

If it weren't for the Karaoke inquiries, I never would have met Jack!

He is a great kisser!

Big Hugs to you and good luck on the revision and tuck!

Kimberly

Dx 7/21/2009, IDC, 1cm, Stage II, Grade 3, 0/6 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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Mar 31, 2010 08:18PM nosurrender wrote:

Kimberly! I am sorry I missed this post!

The book shouldn't take long to come- many women have gotten theirs a couple of days after ordering it. 

Yes, you can have a FANTASTIC sexlife again! and I believe good kissers mean good lovers :)

 You have to do some preparing ahead of time, but that makes only gets you more in the mood!

nosurrenderbreastcancerhelp.org ~What a long, strange trip it's been...
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Apr 1, 2010 12:49AM musiclovermom wrote:

Thanks Gina!

I am patiently waiting for your book to arrive. I strongly believe that everything happens for a reason and cancelling my date and waiting for the book may be the right thing in the long run. Who knows what it will have stopped me from doing? I would like to think some one is watching out for me. I have only met him in person once and would gladly thorw him on the floor and take advantage of him! But that might not be the best thing to do for the long run. I am sure if it is going to happen it will.

Kimberly

Dx 7/21/2009, IDC, 1cm, Stage II, Grade 3, 0/6 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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Apr 1, 2010 09:57AM musiclovermom wrote:

I got the book this morning! will be reading it tonight after work!

Dx 7/21/2009, IDC, 1cm, Stage II, Grade 3, 0/6 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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Apr 1, 2010 08:43PM Alitman wrote:

Kimberly - you are too much.  Even if I THOUGHT of throwing someone down on the floor with my old knees, I'm not sure I could get back up again!!!!

Allie

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Apr 2, 2010 04:23AM - edited Apr 2, 2010 05:39AM by musiclovermom

Allie - I am sure Roberto would be able to lift you off the floor and carry you to the bedroom! LOL

I would even do him standing up if I had too! If the floor is too painful, there is always a couch that I am willing to use! BUT he seems to think the first time needs to be a little more formal... Does that mean in bed( his bed or mine?) Hmmm I wonder if he is taking things slow for a reason? I have to say I might get addicted to him and his leaving in June will be harder for me to handle. I am looking at this as a short term thing... I am not even thinking of the future - wonder what line he is thinking along.

Gina - got the book yesterday! Started reading after work but feel asleep. Thanks!

Kimberly

Dx 7/21/2009, IDC, 1cm, Stage II, Grade 3, 0/6 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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Apr 2, 2010 05:04AM Alitman wrote:

This is MUCH easier to say than it is to do, but try to just live in the moment without thinking about tomorrow (or June).  This is the first time you've been on your own in years and at first you go a little nuts - then life settles down again.  This is just one of those processes that we have to go through when a long term relationship ends. 

Allie

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Apr 2, 2010 05:44AM musiclovermom wrote:

Allie - If I were really to live in the moment I would say Fxxx work and go have sex! However, that might not be good for my finances in the long run... hmmmmm tempting, very tempting... I secretly wish when I get home tonight he would be waiting on my front porch sitting in a rocker waiting to take me to bed! Is that too much to ask? Wonder what he would do if I invited him over?

Dx 7/21/2009, IDC, 1cm, Stage II, Grade 3, 0/6 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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Apr 3, 2010 11:09AM Alitman wrote:

I think inviting him over might be a REALLY fun thing.... Why not offer to cook him a meal.  Being on the road can get old eating out all the time.  Then you could "pounce" when the time is right!!

Allie

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Apr 3, 2010 07:35PM musiclovermom wrote:

Allie - He was a chef for 10 yrs - NO chance in hell I am cooking for him but would let him cook for me!  

I did hope his jeep was in my yard when I came around the corner tonight - no luck... Wonder what tomorrow will bring? I know he is at home with his daughters... but maybe Sunday night when he gets back in town?

Have a Happy Easter! or whatever if you don't do the Easter thing...

Thinking of you next week!

Kimberly

Dx 7/21/2009, IDC, 1cm, Stage II, Grade 3, 0/6 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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Apr 4, 2010 06:41AM Alitman wrote:

Why not invite him over to cook a meal WITH you.  The two of you can shop together, prepare the meal together, eat together and who knows what else together....I think that might be a fun thing... easy for me to say since I am only having fantasies involving a tall italian man.    I have been talking to someone on match for a while now.  He wants to meet but I am putting him off until I get back from my surgery.  He is very funny and we have just exchanged phone numbers - We will probably talk later today.... 

 I hope you hear from Jack soon and arrange another get together....And thanks for the kind thoughts for next week.

Allie

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Apr 4, 2010 07:14AM musiclovermom wrote:

Hi Allie!

I have had bunches of guys from Yahoo personals contact me... The problem? I am very skeptical of them all. Of course Jack was different from the normal sleazy come ons... I still giggle at the Karaoke inquiries that led him to me... it started so perfectly innocent  - now I want the not so innocent...

I have no tolerance for the you are the most beautiful, gorgeous blah blah blah crap men think I want to hear. To me that says con man and scam artist... And why are all these men from far away looking for me? there must be something wrong with them.... Some guy this morning was trying to get to know me Dear... crap! I don't want some one who calls me dear because he can't keep all the names straight...

I have plans out of town today with a bunch of friends and possibly will touch base with Jack tonight when he gets back in town - hopefully it would be around the time I am getting back into town. If he calls me while I am driving I could meet him, but if I get home he would be very welcome to come over... I am sure we could find something better to do than cooking food!

I am so ready to pounce on him... OH - his 4 yr old talked to me on the phone Friday night... what does that mean? He seems like a very good daddy, that makes him all the more attractive in my eyes. Just sitting at dinner listening to him talk to her was so sexy. He has cute dimples too! Luckily his going home on the weekends does not bother me, I am working nights on the weekends and get home by 11 pm. I have my nights off at the beginning of the week when he is in town...

I better go get ready to meet my friends... it's a long drive and I need to hit the road!

I know that tall Italian man will sustain you with fantasies for quite some time... Can I check on you after your surgery? I have your cell number.

Big Hugs

Kimberly

Dx 7/21/2009, IDC, 1cm, Stage II, Grade 3, 0/6 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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Apr 4, 2010 05:03PM Alitman wrote:

Of course you can check on me.  I hope you do.  Where did you go?  I hope you had a great time.  As for Jack - I hope you get to pounce soon and I hope it is everything you want it to be.  I still don't think I am ready - okay - if I had been ready I'd have allowed more with Roberto than I did.  Maybe after I am all healed up from this next surgery.  I am sure it will be at least a month before I even start feeling human again,  I'll have my laptop while I am gone so I can keep up with the story of you and Jack.

Allie

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Apr 6, 2010 08:21PM musiclovermom wrote:

Hey Allie! it's 11 pm... Jack just left - it was a good night! We had Chinese take out. I did tell him he could cook here anytime he wanted...

I pounced on him and did not have to throw him on the floor.

Hope all goes well with your surgery in the morning! You only have one hour left to eat or drink - have a glass of wine! I will be thinking of you tomorrow - but will give you a few days before I call. I am expecting you to stay over night with the tuck.

I am so excited for you! I know your new PS will do an awesome job!

Big Hugs!

Kimberly

Dx 7/21/2009, IDC, 1cm, Stage II, Grade 3, 0/6 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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Apr 6, 2010 08:24PM musiclovermom wrote:

OH - I went to Tappahannock on Sunday with friends... Had the best time and was noticed by an extremely nice looking (HOT) guy in a purple shirt! I didn't bring him home because Jack was on my mind.... but it was fun because I looked great in my new dress!

Dx 7/21/2009, IDC, 1cm, Stage II, Grade 3, 0/6 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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Apr 9, 2010 03:49PM nosurrender wrote:

Sounds like you are doing GREAT Kimberly!!!!

Allie, I hope all went well with your surgery!

nosurrenderbreastcancerhelp.org ~What a long, strange trip it's been...
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Apr 9, 2010 03:59PM - edited May 6, 2010 05:52PM by Bigapple09

This Post was deleted by Bigapple09.
Dx 11/2002, 0/3 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2-

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