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Topic: Dating After Recostruction (and CANCER!)

Forum: Singles With Breast Cancer —

Singles with breast cancer who want to connect.

Posted on: Sep 28, 2009 02:28PM

elizzim wrote:

Hi friends,

I thought I would start a new topic, since I know there MUST be others like me out there?! I was diagnosed last December (2008), and 2009 was spent in treatment thus far: bilateral MX w/ TE's, chemo, and then exchange to Allergan 410's (Gummies). Facing cancer did one great thing for me: it taught me that I do, really want to experience love again in my life.

I'm a very young 47, single (divorced with 2 beautiful daughters), and faced with the prospect of dating as a completely different, less confident person than I was before I last dated, before BC. It's funny - I managed to stay pretty positive and hopeful through treatment. But ironically, now that it's mostly over (except for tamoxifen for 5 yrs) I feel a kind of sadness - even depression setting in. The fear about my future, the loss of my breasts, the uncertainty about how a man might react to my new breasts - all of this makes me doubt myself and my chance of finding love, even though I've always been a pretty confident woman in that department. I feel as though I shouldn't even put myself out there (with the short hair, reconstuction, etc.), that it would be a miracle to find someone who could feel about me the way men have felt about me in the past.

I know, intellectually, that good men are out there, that love happens to people in the thick of treatment, that I am more than my "looks". But on a gut level, it feels like the wind has been taken out of my sails.

Can anyone relate to this? Where did you begin to search, for those of you that are taking care of children, and don't get out there much? 

Liz Dx 12/9/2008, IDC, 1cm, Stage I, Grade 3, 0/8 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2-
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Apr 9, 2010 07:32PM - edited Apr 9, 2010 07:59PM by musiclovermom

WOO HOO! That would be a power couple if I ever saw one... Dr & Lawyer...

Dx 7/21/2009, IDC, 1cm, Stage II, Grade 3, 0/6 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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Apr 9, 2010 08:20PM - edited Oct 21, 2010 06:32PM by Bigapple09

This Post was deleted by Bigapple09.
Dx 11/2002, 0/3 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2-
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Apr 19, 2010 09:19PM Alitman wrote:

Wow you guys have been busy while I've been gone.  The surgery went well - had a small "blow out" after the staples were removed - It was on my back (part of the circumfrential(sp?) tummy tuck).  I had to get that restitched but other than that things went well.  My sister and I went shopping and I got my hair cut.  I feel like a  whole new person.  As my sister and I were walking around the mall - she said "do you see how many people are looking at you?"  I asked her if I had snot or something hanging off my face but I didn't - I just look better (especially in the new clothes).  While I didn't lose very many pounds, the tuck really took a lot of inches off my body.  It will take a while to get used to the new me...

Allie

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Apr 20, 2010 10:45AM musiclovermom wrote:

Allie - I am so excited for you!
Kimberly
Dx 7/21/2009, IDC, 1cm, Stage II, Grade 3, 0/6 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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Apr 21, 2010 07:52AM Alitman wrote:

Kimberly - I LOVE the new pic!!!!  You look beautiful and sexy!!!!!

Allie

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Apr 21, 2010 08:55AM musiclovermom wrote:

OH Allie - Thank YOU! I got my hair cut after Michael came to see me at work last night, so with my tan from the beach this weekend I posted a new pict to my Internet dating profiles! Hopefully I will get some action! LOL

just sent you a long PM...

Big Yippee Squishy Hugs to you!

Kimberly

Dx 7/21/2009, IDC, 1cm, Stage II, Grade 3, 0/6 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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Apr 21, 2010 09:26PM Alitman wrote:

I have been emailing and talking on the phone with someone from match.  He has been asking to meet me in person and I was putting him off due to my surgery schedule.  I finally told him in an email today what kind of surgery I had.  His response was INCREDIBLY positive and he complimented me on my bravery to bring it up.  He doesn't seem freaked out - but time will tell.  I sent him an email with an opening to let him know that I would be "up" for a meeting - I hope he will get the hint and ask to get together.  I'll agree to it this time.

Allie

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Apr 22, 2010 05:30AM musiclovermom wrote:

Yea Allie! Self confidence is a wonderful thing to start the ball rolling. I have been gaining mine little by little since I got my implants. I learned so much about my self with the help of Jack and now with Brad & Michael I am doing things a little differently.

I have thought about dating only men I am not physically attracted to because all I can think about with Jack is sex. If I take sex off the table, maybe I will be ready for a relationship at some point.

There is also a man named Marty that I am supposed to meet for coffee some time this week - he would be  just a person to go see bands with. He is local and has a group of friends that go see local bands play. I need to get out and meet people so going to see bands might open many doors for me.

 A question for anyone who has an opinion: If I am flat out telling men I am not ready for a long term relationship, that I just want to make friends, what do they expect? I think I am being up front, but what do men take that as?

With Jack, I told him I felt like I was using him and his response was "better that I was using him , than the other way around". Jack is only here until June and I know it is going no where. It is purely physical. Now I can answer when the OBGYN asks if intercourse is painful or not.

Tonight Michael is coming back to see me at work... I need to let him know what night I am available to go out. I guess Friday night might be it, because Sat I have the chance to go with friends to a festival and you never know who I might meet there - certainly do not want a date to cramp my style!

I have decided that my home phone & address is going to be off limits - my store is local and easy to find. Anyone driving by will know when I am there...

All input is welcomed!

Dx 7/21/2009, IDC, 1cm, Stage II, Grade 3, 0/6 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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Apr 22, 2010 06:34AM - edited Oct 21, 2010 06:33PM by Bigapple09

This Post was deleted by Bigapple09.
Dx 11/2002, 0/3 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2-
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Apr 22, 2010 07:13AM musiclovermom wrote:

Thanks for the input - I always get something out of your posts!

I know I am not ready for a real relationship yet and I need to make myself happy before I can expect someone else to make me happy.

I have decided to keep the breast cancer thing under wraps so that I am not feeling insecure with it. On my very first date, J did not know about it and I felt normal. After the date I told him and he was wonderful about it. Second date was even better, but I just wanted him...

Now that I have put that behind me, I do not want physical to come into any of the dates... I shook Michael's hand Tuesday and think that's what I will do tonight too. Hand shake with a nice to meet you... and tonight it could be good to see you again. When we go out maybe thanks for a nice evening? I am not looking forward to hug or kiss that was too good with J.

Dx 7/21/2009, IDC, 1cm, Stage II, Grade 3, 0/6 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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Apr 22, 2010 06:47PM musiclovermom wrote:

OMG! the most sexy guy has been emailing me all night! So much for not dating guys I am physically attracted to.

He is even better looking than J. Older too - not younger.

I may have to go out with him this weekend!

Dx 7/21/2009, IDC, 1cm, Stage II, Grade 3, 0/6 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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Apr 22, 2010 08:31PM Alitman wrote:

When it rains - it pours for you Kimberly.....  Have fun.

Allie

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Apr 22, 2010 09:11PM musiclovermom wrote:

Allie!

Michael did not come back to see me tonight at work - so I guess that I got stood up???

But I did get a date for tomorrow night with Chuck - the sexy guy e mailing me tonight.

He finally called my cell phone and we talked for a bit. I will meet him in Richmond at Barnes & Nobles... some place safe!

Just cause I have the date, does not mean it will happen! I already got stood up by that Michael tonight.

I am going to have to have my friend's husband check him out... they work at the same place...

Kimberly

Dx 7/21/2009, IDC, 1cm, Stage II, Grade 3, 0/6 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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Apr 25, 2010 08:46AM Alitman wrote:

It is always wise to have him checked out.  You just never know...

Allie

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May 2, 2010 05:40PM BreastCynthiaCancer wrote:

Hello everyone,

 This is my first time on a BC website  I wonder if Liz is still on ths site . . .her post was before my diagnosis over a year ago.  (I need some support -- I can't take it anymore going through this alone without proper girlfriend support.)I would like to hear an update on Liz.

To address the first question:  I did date a few guys early in my reconstruction, a year ago, for about five months.  Nobody cared.  As long as I was feeling groovy, the men felt fine.  If the breast was tender, I'd simply leave clothing on that breast and they would get the hint to leave it out of the activity. 

My sense is that these guys didn't want to be drowned in the cancer subject yet felt a little proud to be invovled with a "Pink Survivor."

In my opinion, plentyoffish.com  is still a decent site.  CraigsList.com is a bit more of a sleazy dating site.  The men get all porn replies, I'm told.  Match.com and other thirty-bucks-a -month clubs are more for people who are ready and searching hard for a wedding day.  Those are good ways for busy or tired women to find someone.  I hear that on Date.com and PerfectMatch.com and receive many of responses -- there are many people on that site -- so that's a good sign you can get a good number of responses to choose from.  

I think as long as our more private parts work, men are not put off by our badly behaving boobs.

Cynthia

"OF COURSE THESE ARE FAKE! MY REAL ONES TRIED TO KILL ME!"

 

Dx 1/1/2009, DCIS, 6cm+, Stage 0, Grade 3, 0/1 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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May 2, 2010 08:25PM musiclovermom wrote:

Hey Cynthia!

I do not think we have heard from LIZ in forever, but we took over this thread anyway!

Keep it active!

I am doing the on line dating stuff.

I tried ChristianMingle.com but I am not churchy enough for those people.

I recently signed up on Yahoo Personals and have been having much fun there!

Allie ! I love the new picture! SO CUTE!

I had Jack last night.... he is a nice playmate - thank you thank you thank you - I blame karaoke!!!

The new cutie guy, Chuck, turned out to have a 10 year old picture on his profile and has aged with job stress... He is very nice and charming - a southern boy... I have never dated a southern boy (53yrs old) and his charm is quite refreshing.

I am taking this very slowly, he is looking for more than I am ready to give and since Jack is around still I am not going to get involved in too many things... No strings with Jack and this other one would be seriously long term emotional - everything I am not ready for. He is in a different place than I am. He knows it and I know it.

We have decided it is safer (emotionally) to not see each other in person for a while more so things do not go fast... So we talk on the phone for hours and hours now. Has the most sexy southern voice.... This from a Northern Girl!

As I type he is phoning.... hmmm we just hung up from an hour long call. Could be serious with out wanting it to be....

OH MY....

Kimberly

Dx 7/21/2009, IDC, 1cm, Stage II, Grade 3, 0/6 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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May 4, 2010 06:11PM Alitman wrote:

Thanks for noticing the pic - I figured it was time to post one,  I am happy that you are taking such good care of yourself with respect to what you can handle.  It is healthy.  Roberto still calls from time to time - he just checks in and we chat about things that don't matter.  It is really nice to have someone to talk with when there is nothing at stake.  Plus I LOVE that wonderful Italian accent. 

Allie

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May 6, 2010 12:33AM - edited May 6, 2010 12:34AM by Hopefloats41725

Bigapple09...I admire your writings and wisdom.  I would like for you to read my article that I just posted and reply to it..I welcome your opinion. Please look up this one by Hopefloats41725

Minister boyfriend too close once & leaves me!

Dx 12/12/2009, ILC, 2cm, Stage II, 3/20 nodes, mets, ER+/PR-, HER2- Surgery Lymph node removal: Left, Sentinel; Mastectomy: Left, Right; Reconstruction (left): Nipple reconstruction; Reconstruction (right): Nipple reconstruction
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May 6, 2010 05:56PM - edited Oct 21, 2010 06:33PM by Bigapple09

This Post was deleted by Bigapple09.
Dx 11/2002, 0/3 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2-
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May 6, 2010 06:10PM musiclovermom wrote:

Wendy - I love your posts!

Dx 7/21/2009, IDC, 1cm, Stage II, Grade 3, 0/6 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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May 6, 2010 06:49PM Bigapple09 wrote:

Thank you

Dx 11/2002, 0/3 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2-
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May 6, 2010 09:42PM - edited May 6, 2010 09:50PM by Hopefloats41725

Wendy, you are VERY VERY RIGHT, in keeping company with those whom are there for me physically, emotionally and spiritually.  In 1976 the Lord told me to go to Rhema Bible Church, I didn't.  But guess what?  I finally made membership a few weeks ago in 2010'!  It wasn't until I got my divorce after thirty one and a half years of bondage and putting my mother into a nursing home, that I got my life back.  I was married before that for nine and a half years, always with a child or a husband, never have I ever been alone. I tell people I have been in the wilderness for fourty years, such as the Isralites!   I am hoping that I will meet the right men there.   It will take me sometime to get myself on track though, but I am working on it.  As Kimberly just wrote, what we have endured with the cancer has actually made us focus on what we really want in how we want to live in our remaining years.  I worte Kimberly this, but I will share it with you also.   As obedient children of God, He will give us the desires of our hearts!  We are the winners, conqureors and when God does send us our Soul Mates, may we have His wisdom to know it!   Thank you for writing me, God Bless You!

Dx 12/12/2009, ILC, 2cm, Stage II, 3/20 nodes, mets, ER+/PR-, HER2- Surgery Lymph node removal: Left, Sentinel; Mastectomy: Left, Right; Reconstruction (left): Nipple reconstruction; Reconstruction (right): Nipple reconstruction
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May 12, 2010 10:50PM Stanzie wrote:

I have been in a relationship for about 4 years after my divorce. Everything was pretty good, I kept my time with him separate from the time I had my kids which I know bothered him. After my diagnosis and surgery, he showed a controlling possissive side which scared me so I stopped seeing him for a while. Lately we have gotten back together but I don't know if I am just different because of bc or because of the way he acted or because I'm just now ready to get back to an intimate relationship. I am very self conscience about the new "breasts" and I my back is still sore from the surgery so....

 When I read about you all and the dating sites - I can't say it doesn't make me curious. How did you all decided to try dating online? I am tempted to see who all might be out there but terrified at the same time. I guess also cause I don't know what is happening with my relationship right now. There are so many things I love about him but I am worried whether I can trust him or not feel manipulated. I never dated much when I was young and now with bc and other health issues and children.... hmmm? 

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May 13, 2010 11:31AM - edited May 13, 2010 11:34AM by musiclovermom

I decided to try the online because in my job I will never meet single men and have no single girl friends to go out with... I have been e mailing for months and have met 4 men in person. 2 - I really like and 2 are ok... one was not what his picture showed and 3 were dead on.

I am looking for someone close to where I live and can spend time with and go places together. It was scary until I met the first guy. we went to dinner in a neutral location. I drove my car , he drove his and after dinner we both went out separate ways... safe and and home by 945...

I just met a new man this week... we met at the movies and saw Iron Man 2... today we met for coffee just for an hour at Starbucks. He does not have my phone number or address yet. I do not know him well enough for that. we just e mail back and fourth and this week (after weeks) we met in person. I do not think it will go anywhere... he talks too much and does not ask about me.

Hope this helps!

Dx 7/21/2009, IDC, 1cm, Stage II, Grade 3, 0/6 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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May 13, 2010 12:45PM Stanzie wrote:

Thank you - yes that helps a lot. I don't know anyone who has ever tried it and I wasn't sure how much control you had on your privacy and whether there was a time limit to get together or something. 

I'll have to work up some courage on this and in the meantime my boyfriend i seeing a therapist at my request so we'll see if any good can come from that. Thank you again.

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May 14, 2010 11:38AM Kimmycake10 wrote:

I have been reading the posts.  I have enjoyed them.  I am not ready for dating as I am in treatment and then will be finishing my re-construction.  I have been a widow for over 12 years.  I dated somewhat as I am raising my daughter.  She is now 17 and is getting her own life.  I feel that this cancer diagnosis is God kicikng me and saying, Live your life now!!!  Get on with it.  So, after my treatment and surgery, I will no longer be afraid to date and find some one to love and to love me back.  My married friends cannot relate to me in this sense.  You ladies have been a great inspiration to me!!

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May 17, 2010 12:44PM vision4utoo wrote:

I've finished treatments, recon and now I am thinking about dating and have al the same fears as the original post...I have purposely kept myself too busy to avoid the questions, now I just don't know if I really have the energy even try - for me it isn't just the scars, the cancer - I developed Osteoporosis after chemo - now have that , Arthritis and Fibromyalgia - Who is going to sign up for that?  I am pretty, I am only 45 and I have good job, divorced mom of two (18,12)  as the  kids say "IDK!"  Be well ~

Dx 6/19/2008, IDC, 3cm, Stage IIA, Grade 2, 0/12 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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May 17, 2010 03:48PM - edited May 17, 2010 03:49PM by musiclovermom

I am only 44 and I NEED to get back to life!

I went to a baseball game Saturday that was breast cancer awareness night and met a man in the hall! I was wearing bright PINK and had been on the pitchers mound to support a friend tossing the first pitch! We took a pict together and he texted me all night from his seat at the game... Up until 1 am... then I met him for coffee last night and got home at 130 am this morning!

Not once did we talk about cancer! it felt so good to feel normal! and I got a kiss!

not too bad for a cancer freebie!

Dx 7/21/2009, IDC, 1cm, Stage II, Grade 3, 0/6 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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May 17, 2010 03:51PM musiclovermom wrote:

I still have no nipples! so my recon is not finished - but the men I have told about this are fine with it.

This new guy from the ball game is not even an Internet date! was pretty nice to have a picture with him before I knew his name... and he made my face book page! very nice smile!

Dx 7/21/2009, IDC, 1cm, Stage II, Grade 3, 0/6 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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May 17, 2010 09:09PM Stanzie wrote:

vision - I think the same way you are thinking. Also I'm a lot older - will turn 50 this summer - but I have M.S. BC and am divorced with three kids one of which has special needs..... so I think oh great sure someone would love to sign up with all that. I don't know either.

Music - I love reading your posts you are so upbeat and full of life! You seem very out going as well where I'm definately on the quiet side. Anyway, I'm happy you had fun and like one of my college friends used to say if you can't get a date to the dance you like get one that at least will make great pictures to look back on! She always did too!

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