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Sep 25, 2011 04:05PM
For thirty one years I have been married to this man, whom lost one third of this heart muscle in 1995 from smoking two packs a day. He wouldn't eat right, or quit smoking and spent $400 in gambling each month, saying that I needed to go to work, he wasn't working anymore. Then before I was diagnosed with the BC, he was already pumping insulin in him, after eating whatever he wanted. The cycle went on and on...pumping insulin, eating what he wanted, gambling, smoking and controlling me. Sex was never there for me, unless he wanted his tension relieved before he went to a casino. All vacations had to include a gambling hall. The doctors told him that if he didn't stay on a diet he could lose his foot. He wouldn't change anything. So being over whelmed with no life other than a caretaker between him, my mother and forgot to say, I had took guardianship over an older dementia brother....I divorced him, put my mother in the nursing home and went for my surgeries and chemo by myself. As predicted his true love lady luck took the $8,500 that I sent him off within 60 days. He threw himself in poverty, thinking I would take him back. Though thirty one years is still because I mothered him and he is use to it. He has no children of his own, all his family deserted him and he keeps calling me, being his only friend of three. I have had little to give him, hoping and praying that he could get on his feet....what happened after I divorced him....predicted he had a major heart attack again. This time he had two more surgeries with two stints put in and within four months a quaduple bypass. He now owes all his disability check for debt, his monthly expense outway his income. He keeps trying to find work and trying to drain me as well. I have already pawned all my jewelry for one of his loan sharks, then he went and borrowed again from them. He had a $100,000 life insurance as me being beneficiary, played with it all this time, now it is only at $25,000 and he is still dangling it at me, trying to controll me with it. It is still working, for I only make $11.00 an hour myself and can't seem to get ahead either, I am 60 years old now. But I am swimming thank the Lord. I try hard to believe God wanted me out of that marriage, but then I am still in shock of the ex minister boyfriend whom is also my co-worker still passing me in the hall at work and all I want to do is grab him, hold him, love him and want him back. God help me, know He has better plans for me, because His word says so and He is truth. I am just down right now, wearing out, that's all. I have tried to get jobs to get away from our work enviroment together and no one is hiring me. I feel like a pickle in a shell. So I am working at home, still eating candy (sugar) periodically, taking my Arimidex, the crown of my head is really thin...fight the fight of covering it up each day that I go out, teasing it and all. I believe I have gained weight since chemo, hoping to keep it down, cellulite is coming vs not having time for the fitness center. I drown my time physically do repairs on the house, lonely as heck. I guess I should sing, "Love Lifted ME, when nothing else would help Love lifted ME! Thanks for letting Hopefloat vent. :-((((((. I sent my ex minister another email a few nights ago, wonder if it will work.....mising him.
12/12/2009, ILC, 2cm, Stage II, 3/20 nodes, mets, ER+/PR-, HER2-
Lymph node removal: Left, Sentinel; Mastectomy: Left, Right; Reconstruction (left): Nipple reconstruction; Reconstruction (right): Nipple reconstruction