Singles with breast cancer who want to connect.
Posted on: Apr 29, 2011 11:32PM
I'm a 47 year old single, who was diagnosed with DCIS grade 3 in early March. The affected area is quite large ... 15 cm in one direction. I have had two partial mastectomies and they still don't have clear margins, so I will be getting a full mastectomy on the left side in a few weeks.
I guess I took the Dr's assurances that I would be OK, a little too much to heart. I was ready for a little surgery and radiation. I wasn't ready to be told I needed a full mastectomy. The reality of it hit me a couple of nights ago.
I haven't met with the plastic surgeon yet, so I'm not sure what my reconstruction plan is yet. My questions are ... how did you prepare yourself to see your body after the surgery? I'm rather large breasted (DD) so the difference is going to be pretty dramatic. Have you found that men can look past the changes in your body? Do they understand? I just want to know if I need to resign myself to being alone. Is there love after a mastectomy/reconstruction?
Posts 7381 - 7410 (7,558 total)
Feb 24, 2018 02:10AM Bridget14 wrote:
I am single and have the same concerns now in 2018. I am scared to go on the dating scene because I realize most men might not accept a woman who had two mastectomies. Did you ever find love? I wish I could meet someone who would accept me for me.
Feb 24, 2018 09:12AM Jazzygirl wrote:
Hi Bridget- welcome to our thread. I just started with dating again last year for the first time since bc. I told one of the men I had bc and he handled it well, but we won't end up to together for a lot of other reasons. Not sure how old you are, but if you are middle aged like a few of us here, you will find out the men have their health problems too. I found just being able to disclose it to someone helped me to at least get over that hurdle.
I do still feel it is possible to meet someone but think you just need to take your time getting to know someone until you are sure you are ready to share your story.
Feb 24, 2018 11:33AM NotBrokenJustBent wrote:
Bridget, I did some dating a couple years ago. At the time I just wanted to get out and have some fun but in hindsight I am quite sure I was looking for acceptance and reassurance that I was still loveable, worthy and attractive. I only disclosed to two men my BC and they both were very accepting and when I finally shared, their only concern was about my health and well being. Both these men had wanted an exclusive relationship with me but unfortunately I knew they were not for me and I was not ready for a number of reasons unrelated to BC. Ironically the one man I did become interested in I never told about my illness and I wonder how he would have taken it, but I was already in the mindset that I was not ready for a relationship and we never got to the intimacy stage but in short two outta two weren't phased and so that ain't bad. I also agree with Jazz in that in middle age one finds many who have had operations or have some measure of health issues. One of the men that I dated had a huge surgery scar on his chest. For whatever reason I never asked about it. It was really a non issue in my mind.
Feb 26, 2018 04:31PM Enerva wrote:
hi friends just coming back from the dark side ha ha ha
Jazz those are so beautiful
I am looking forward to my gardening class next month. Omg I still did not check on the accounting grades lol I guess I am scared I hope I didn't fail but it is something I won't continue regardless. So yesterday I made a booboo I scrashed my car against a freaking pole ; (
Today all morning driving from one auto place to another trying to get someone to do it for less ; (
Anyway there goes my little savings again.
It seems I am not able to save any $ these days
On the other hand I am making a brown swater for myself so far is looking great
Here it is .
Feb 27, 2018 03:09PM Bridget14 wrote:
thank you for responding. I am 43. I would like to date and get into a serious relationship one day. I think I am more ready since I got my implants. It is encouraging that some men are not shallow and are willing to overlook scars. Breast cancer has made me a better person and the maturity I have gained from both my physical and financial struggles from this disease would make me a better partner.
Feb 27, 2018 03:59PM juneping wrote:
E - i would like to see you wearing the sweater....the pattern you made was very intriguing. i can only do the typical ones, and scarves only. nothing as complicated as a sweater...lol
Bridget - hello....i hope you'll find a nice guy. i think having cancer made me aware of many things in life. i hope it made me a better person. my temper is still short though...hahaha....cancer or not, i think it goes back to the basic principal, we just need to love ourselves first, know our self worth before hoping someone will love us back....
i just think most men are like with some sort of defects that one way or another i just want to roll my eyes at them.
Feb 28, 2018 10:29AM NotBrokenJustBent wrote:
E, the sweater is lovely. I am an autumn gal and my closet is full of the browns, rusts and dark greens plus a huge amount of black. I was never into pink and even more so now. I am glad you are enjoying your hobbies and talents.
Bridget, you sound very ready to step out. Will you go the internet dating route? When I was first separated a friend would drag me out to clubs. I did go out a few times with men I met there but it was a very bad experience. As to internet dating, I had much fun and success there. Jazz had a different experience though.
Feb 28, 2018 01:04PM Enerva wrote:
Ok here is the end result
I decided to leave it with a big bottom instead of a bunch
Love how it feels very warm.and cosy
Feb 28, 2018 01:40PM juneping wrote:
E - wow, good job on the sweater.
have you thought about an Etsy shop? really think you could make some extra cash doing this what you love. you could be turning this hobby into some money making activty
Feb 28, 2018 08:06PM Enerva wrote:
I opened an account once but I never worked on it. Yes I will now try to do this more as a side business since I do enjoy it
I really like the sweater turned out really warm and looks good with jeans
I will take a picture when I wear it.
Now working on a scarf with a new stich I really like
Mar 2, 2018 10:13PM Moderators wrote:
Welcome to our community! We know how difficult it can be adjusting to life after such a life-changing procedure. It's not easy to share your story, but maybe sharing it will can help you get more comfortable with talking about it. You've come to the right place for support!
Mar 3, 2018 11:05AM NotBrokenJustBent wrote:
Hi Anna. I am so sorry to hear you have gone through this surgery at such a young age. It is difficult at any age but especially cruel for the young. Have you had reconstruction? I had immediate recon and it was very helpful in restoring my self image and confidence but I know many do not go that route. I still struggle with the body image thing but again, for me reconstruction was the right choice. Share as much or as little as you like here. Also know that there are forums exclusively for the young women or you may choose to start your own new topic. Single women have different issues than the married and I suspect the very young singles have even more specific challenges but regardless, we can all relate to the trauma of losing a breast and well understand how it affects our self esteem and sense of self. Anna, feel free to PM me if you feel more comfortable in a more private arena.
Mar 3, 2018 08:34PM Jazzygirl wrote:
Hi Anna- I am glad you found our thread, but sorry you are dealing with this at such a young age. That being said, it sounds like you are down the pike a bit from the initial dx and treatment, and perhaps even to your 5 year mark. We have women here of all ages here, and will say dating at any age after cancer diagnosis is not easy. I was personally past childbearing age when I was diagnosed (at 52), and now almost 58 so those conversations were off the table for me, but the body image issues we all deal with.
I would say my best advice to you is to take your time getting to know someone before you choose to disclose your story. I will share with you in general, I did not tell a lot of people about my bc, as chose to keep it private for professional reasons. But through time, I have shared it a bit more with people. I did share it with someone I was interested in in the past year (my first attempt at dating after 4 years) and knew he could handle it, and he did handle it very well. We are not in a relationship for other reasons, but just being able to have that conversation helped me to move through some things. And I would say if you do tell someone and they cannot handle that, that is their issue and they are not the right person for you. The right person will see you for the awesome person you are, and the rest will just be part of your story. It is good to remember that most everyone is going through life dealing with something.
Feel free to tell us more about you (or PM too like Broken mentioned) if you want to talk more one on one. We are here to help!
Mar 5, 2018 05:24PM NotBrokenJustBent wrote:
Hi ANNA, good to see you back. I personally went the diep route because I wanted natural tissue. It caused far more scarring and way more risky and a longer recovery, but I was weirded out by having a foreign thing inside me. Many women prefer this option over my choice, there is no right or wrong, and we make the best decisions we can based on our information and personal preferences.
Do you work? Do you have a social network? I only ask because you thought you might be interested in dating and I wondered what your exposure to people was?
Mar 6, 2018 10:13AM juneping wrote:
i am sorry that you went through it at such a young age....
in terms of dating, i think men your age are still not mature but i believe you'll find someone who loves you for who you are. mean while just live your life and be happy. personally i think happiness is like a magnet, people are drawn to someone who's happy and content. when the person see you shine, he'll want to spend time w you. don't see yourself as someone not good enough and hopefully some guy will see pass the MX. see yourself as someone worthy and special, and the guy sees the real you will come into your life.
Mar 6, 2018 02:34PM NotBrokenJustBent wrote:
June, I absolutely LOVE the snow but I gotta say I am more than ready for spring. Enough is enough already! Well the good news is it won't be here long and will quickly melt.
ANNA, how are you? Any thoughts on how you plan to get out and meet new people? June is right, people are drawn to happy people. My sister recently said that I look like a very unapproachable person these days which made me laugh and that is how I mostly like it, but I do find that when I am happy and smile, I find many that are open to random conversation and perhaps more. My kids are your age and they find their relationships thru work, bars and clubs, friends of friends, and the gym. Neither have ever done a dating site but because I don't get out much I have gone that route on two occasions. I have had both good and bad experiences but my experience is that dating sites are either meat markets or men looking for serious and immediate relationships but nothing in between. I would hope you could find a better and slower route til you get your groove back and feel more comfortable with the whole scenario.
E, are you around? How are things? Don't you have a scan coming up?
June, hunker down. I am heading out for a few quick errands so I can stay in tomorrow.
Mar 7, 2018 10:24AM juneping wrote:
bent - i love the snow too but not too much afterwards....people just stop picking up after their dogs when snow on the ground. what the....#$@%%
Hello everyone on the hump day.....
Mar 7, 2018 10:49AM NotBrokenJustBent wrote:
When I was a dog owner I never picked up in the snow though I was very conscientious normally. I am not sure what that is about. I guess I would just kick the snow over it and out of sight out of mind?
8-10" expected here. So far it is just mush and certainly not very pretty out. I could do without this storm but I gotta admit that last storm last week was wild here. The wind was howling, snow was coming down in a fiery, and there were these crazy vortexes or small cyclones whipping the snow around. That was actually great fun to but this one is just messy. We will see how this plays out.
I am hoping to do my taxes today. Ugh...I don't want to do. :(
Mar 8, 2018 05:01PM Enerva wrote:
I just lost my post
Anyway I am at the hospital waiting to get the CT scan.
Then I must wait till Monday to see the dr.
Mean wile I have been crochetting here bis something I made for my ex sister in law little girls. No sure when I will see them again but I ll have these present aside.
Mar 9, 2018 12:00PM NotBrokenJustBent wrote:
So precious E. As always, you are thinking of others. Glad you are back to crocheting and creating. When does the gardening class start? Any idea what the scan showed or must you just wait to see doctor. Monday must seem like an eternity.
Everything is ok here. I had started my taxes and was doing well until I got locked down and told I had to upgrade from free to a paid service. On my pathetically low income I refuse to pay to report my taxes and so will go to a free location and have them do. That was disappointing as I had hoped to cross that off my list of annoying things to do. Next on my annoyance list is to fight for my security deposit back from my last apartment. E, how is the sale of your place going? Do you have a closing date?
Mar 9, 2018 11:37PM Enerva wrote:
Notbroken so I went today and got the cd but I have no way to view at least today. My laptop broke and I have to go to a ciber cafe in order to use a pc. Another reason I am not much present here cuz my cellphone is not that useful to log in here. Tomorrow I ll try to look at the cd but I never know what I am looking at but at least there will be some idea as per zise?
Also wanted to tell you I still have no idea if I pass the accounting class lol I try logging in to the university site but my password does no work and I haven call to get the results on the phone.
The condo will sell closing on April 30th but the tenants have been very silent and still did not give a deposit so I am not sure what is going on.I am hopping all ok
Yes I am crochetting again it keeps min mind from going mad. I am now making a Yorkie dog for myself and I love it so far. Here she is lol
Oh my gardening class starts on March 29th I can't wait I will enjoy every minute of that
Mar 10, 2018 10:12AM NotBrokenJustBent wrote:
E, I love the pup. I wondered about the exam but when we did not hear I thought best to not ask. I am always thinkin bout you. Keep us posted on your doctor appointment. I have been having some anxiety issues and deep breathes, prayer and mediation are very calming to me. If your crochet is not enough maybe try that?I wish you had someone by your side for this doctor appointment. Hang in there.
Mar 10, 2018 01:10PM Jazzygirl wrote:
Hi friends- just a quick check in. Ten days off the hormone blockers and adjusting. Did a little 5 year ceremony with a good friend last night at her house in the mountains. So many people don't get the importance of getting through treatment milestones. My five years really marks coming off the meds. We had a great evening of vintage wine, appetizers, and conversation.
E- I am glad you had your CT scan and hope the news is good at the doctors apt and that the medications are working in your favor. I love the crocheting too, I was a big knitter when I was a kid. Very therapeutic. I love the sweater and the other animals you have been making. I hope the closing in April goes without a hitch. Having the money will really help you.
June- I expect like others back east, you are in between storms. Do you live in a high rise apt?
Broken- I am so with you on the importance of breathing and meditation. Yoga breathing and meditation have done much to calm my soul in troubled times (which seems constant these days...)
Hello to all the others here and wishing everyone a good Daylight Savings change tonight (for those in the US...)