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Topic: Boyfriend broke up with me a month after mastectomy

Forum: Singles With Breast Cancer —

Singles with breast cancer who want to connect.

Posted on: Aug 6, 2011 06:07PM

voicewriter wrote:

I was just wondering what others think about this.  I was in a three-and-a-half-year relationship.  We had issues, things weren't great.  We broke up probably six or seven times.  We were engaged at the time of my diagnosis of DCIS.  We actually broke up the morning of my mammogram, and then after that, he professed his undying love to me, wants to be with me mind, body, and soul, blah, blah, blah.  So he was with me through all the crap -- lumpectomy, MRI, mastectomy -- but very emotionally difficult.  One day, supportive, the next, a jerk.  He was washing dishes the night before my mastectomy, and Mr. Cheapo goes, I wonder what it's going to cost me if I have to stay at the hospital all day tomorrow.  Imagine???  He also said to me during the week that I was home recuperating, he didn't get to have any alone time with me, because my teenage daughter was on the couch between us the whole time, and I didn't say anything, and he didn't want to be number two anymore.  This is a 50-year-old man we're talking about. 

Anyway, I could go on and on.  Bottom line, broke up a month after my mastectomy.  I brought it up, but he took the ball and ran with it.  I was pretty devastated, and said to him, I can't believe you're doing this a month after my mastectomy, and he said, " You got a clean bill of health.  You're out of the woods." 

It's been four months since we've been broken up, and I'm still hurting from the whole thing.  Do you think this is something you could ever forgive someone for?  I feel like he abandoned me in the middle of the hell of going through what I went through, and he thinks I'm out of the woods!

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Aug 6, 2011 07:09PM mrsnjband wrote:

JMO, but he sounds like a jerk.  If he has broken up with you that many times & to make the comment about your daughter.  You deserve better than that.  NJ

Norma June, Bi-lateral MX 2008, Bi-lateral DIEP 2011 Dx 1/10/2008, IBC, <1cm, Stage IIIB, ER-/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 1/25/2008 AC Chemotherapy 3/10/2008 Taxol (paclitaxel) Chemotherapy 5/29/2008 Taxotere (docetaxel) Surgery 7/10/2008 Lymph node removal: Right; Mastectomy: Right; Prophylactic mastectomy: Left Radiation Therapy 8/11/2008 Surgery 8/15/2011 Reconstruction (right): DIEP flap Surgery 8/15/2011 Reconstruction (left): DIEP flap Surgery 12/12/2011 Reconstruction (left)
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Aug 6, 2011 07:14PM hrf wrote:

Voicewriter, I'm sorry to say but this type of response from men is much more common than you might imagine. I think there are a couple of threads devoted to this subject. Sadly, many men leave their wives, partners, girlfriends etc following a BC dx. I'm sorry you also had to find yourself in the same situation

BRCA2+ first dx in Oct. 2004 2nd dx Feb. 2009 a new primary
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Aug 6, 2011 07:18PM CoolBreeze wrote:

Sounds like a horrible relationship. You are lucky you didn't get trapped into a marriage with that guy.

Ann's cancer blog: www.butdoctorihatepink.com .....multicentric/multifocal IDC/ILC+DCIS/LCIS/ADH Official dx? "Your breast was a mess." ~UniMastectomy/Chemo/Herceptin/Tamoxifen/Recon Almost Done! Oh wait. mets to liver 5/21/11 Now Stage IV Dx 8/17/2009, IDC, 4cm, Stage IIA, Grade 3, 0/3 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2+
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Aug 6, 2011 07:21PM GointoCarolina wrote:

You ARE out of the woods..when you were with him ,you were in the middle of the deep dark woods.Now you have seen his true colors and are in the light.Of course it hurts,and you are still feeling vulnerable from what you have been through.What he did is unforgiveable,but he did you a big favor by walking out.

DX8/2008 IDC,Stage 1,Grade 3,0/3 nodes,ER/PR-,HER2+ Uni Left Mast 9/05/08 chemo & herceptin... Proph Right Mast with TEs March 2010,April 2010 TEs removed due to pain
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Aug 6, 2011 07:43PM LuvRVing wrote:

The first two words that popped into my head after reading your post is "good riddance!"

You deserve better.  The guy is a jerk, try to forget about him!

Michelle

Michelle - read my blog at www.mch-breastcancer.blogspot.com - Be kind to one another! Dx 6/15/2010, IDC, 1cm, Stage I, Grade 3, 0/4 nodes, ER-/PR-, HER2- Dx 3/29/2011, IDC, 4cm, Stage IIIB, Grade 3, 4/21 nodes, ER-/PR-, HER2- Dx 5/11/2012, IDC, Stage IV, Grade 3, mets, ER-/PR-, HER2-
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Aug 6, 2011 07:47PM dlb823 wrote:

I'm so sorry that happened to you, but you are so much better off without him!  It sounds like he wanted out of the relationship for some time, but didn't know how to tell you.  Look at it as a blessing, because you deserve so much better.  Hopefully the void Mr. Wrong has has left will be filled before too long by someone you can count on -- someone who will be there for you and adore you through good & bad.

You deserve so much better!      (((Hugs)))   Deanna 

Deanna "The soul would have no rainbow if the eyes had no tears" Native American proverb Dx 2/1/2008, 1cm, Stage IIA, Grade 3, 1/16 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Dx 1/3/2014, Stage IV
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Aug 6, 2011 07:50PM - edited Aug 6, 2011 07:51PM by carol1949

Dear voicewriter,

Indeed, it is not as uncommon as one would think.  Having been in both positions, I believe it is more difficult to be a caregiver than to be a patient.    Having said that and reading your information, It sounds to me like you are far better off without this person in your life.  You mentioned it had been a relationship w/ issues.

My advice is to nurture yourself, enjoy and Cherish your  time with your daughter and worry about and find your own inner-peace.  A wonderful book that I found very helpful is You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay.

Dx 4/4/2008, IDC, 6cm+, Stage IIIB, ER+, HER2-
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Aug 6, 2011 08:30PM Fearless_One wrote:

He sounds like a selfish jerk, but it sounds like the relationship was always a turbulent one if you had broken up 7 times in 3.5 years.   He sounds very self-absorbed.   I would be hurt, too - but someone like him would not be there for you even had he stayed.   Perhaps he would be there in body, but his heart would not be in it.

lump/chemo/rads/hyster-ooph/mastectomy/implants
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Aug 7, 2011 12:30AM DiDel wrote:

You poor thing! I am sorry you had to deal with such an a$$!! Men most definitely are the weaker sex...while yes you may have had problems how about bowing out of the relationship in a different manner and maybe still being a friend to you. I think people forget that their partner is suppose to be your best friend and would you really treat your best friend that way at a critical time in their life. He sounds awful and you are most likely better off without him. I agree with Carol about taking the time to nuture yourself and embrace your daughter and the quiet time you'll have with her. A friend of mine is always complaining about how her BF puts his kids before her...she is always whining about how she wants to be #1 in his life. I told her that dating a man with kids you will never be #1 and you shouldnt be. I wouldn't want to be with someone who didnt put their kids above their own needs. I know you hurt but Im sure in time when your heart heals things will be better.

In the meantime, VENT AWAY! thats what we are here for! Hugs to you!!

Diane

Dx 11/12/2009, IDC, Right, 2cm, Stage IIA, Grade 2, 0/8 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- (FISH) Surgery 12/23/2009 Mastectomy: Right Chemotherapy 3/17/2010 Cytoxan (cyclophosphamide), Taxotere (docetaxel) Hormonal Therapy 8/15/2010 Dx 10/28/2015, IDC, Right, <1cm, Stage IA, Grade 1, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 11/9/2015 Lumpectomy: Right Radiation Therapy 2/1/2016 3DCRT: Chest wall
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Aug 7, 2011 12:47AM dixiebell wrote:

I posted this on another board but my ex-boyfriend asked me  this week "well what size boobs will you be getting bigger I hope" and I said umm no you need to go google mastectomies its not like enhancement implants. The next day he dumped me saying he decided he wants more children and I cant have any more. Well I'm 49 ya think you knew that already!!!! lol . OK so I just told him thanks for being honest. That was it no drama not letting it get the best of me. So I can relate although we were not living together. My surgery is next Wednesday and it is hard not having someone to hold and comfort me. I'm so sorry I hear this story repeated a lot. But in times of trouble is when a person's true colors come out and obviously your guy showed his. You have to decide for yourself cause it is what it is but I say good riddance and move on!!!!

BMX 8/10/2011 Left radical / right elective simple with 1 step alloderm reconstruction nipple and skin sparing Oncotype score 5. No chemo. Dx 7/20/2011, ILC, <1cm, Grade 2, 2/18 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 8/9/2011 Lymph node removal: Left, Sentinel; Mastectomy: Left; Prophylactic mastectomy: Right; Reconstruction (left); Reconstruction (right) Dx 2/2/2014, ILC, Stage IV, ER+/PR+, HER2- Hormonal Therapy 5/24/2016 Aromasin (exemestane) Radiation Therapy External: Bone
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Aug 7, 2011 12:47AM voicewriter wrote:

Thanks to all who have posted here so far.  It has helped me immensely.  You are all wonderful women, and wish we didn't have to all be on here, but I guess we're all a big family.  It's going to be a long haul for me to heal from this.  I feel like I never really got to deal with losing my breasts, because I've been too emotionally messed up dealing with the breakup.  Maybe it's a blessing in disguise, in the long run?

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Aug 7, 2011 10:06AM Fearless_One wrote:

I agree with Nancy.   NO ONE can understand what we go through unless they have been there.   They can try, but they don't truly get it.   Eh, your guy wasn't even willing to try.   He sounds like he completely lacks empathy.   I think had you married him, you would have been miserable.

lump/chemo/rads/hyster-ooph/mastectomy/implants
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Aug 7, 2011 04:53PM - edited Aug 7, 2011 08:09PM by carol1949

Dixiebell,  You just imagine all of our cyber hugs.  I know it is not the same as physical touch, but you will not be alone in surgery.

I have a husband of 33 years and even though he was present, he was not capable of being as supportive as one would think.  It is OK!  Remember, everyone is on their own journey and I believe on different levels of spiritual awareness,.

Breast cancer is thought by many practitioners to be a "dis" ease of the body, mind and spirit and allowed to grow due to weakened immune systems.  Our bodies want to be healthy, but when we allow ourselves to be stressed and over burdened it can manifest in "dis" ease. 

Hugs to all of you and remember to put yourselves first for a change! 

edited for spelling!

Dx 4/4/2008, IDC, 6cm+, Stage IIIB, ER+, HER2-
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Aug 7, 2011 05:26PM Fearless_One wrote:

I totally agree with Carol!   Stress will weaken the immune system as fast as any poison, IMO.   And a man like that - he would have made you miserable!  

lump/chemo/rads/hyster-ooph/mastectomy/implants
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Aug 7, 2011 05:36PM voicewriter wrote:

Dixiebell, I, too, will be there with you with a "cyber hug".  Your ex BF sounds like a gem, just like mine.  Who needs it?  I know it hurts, but better to see one's true colors, as you say. 

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Aug 7, 2011 08:29PM dixiebell wrote:

Thanks voicewriter and carol 1949 - loving the cyber hugs!!!

BMX 8/10/2011 Left radical / right elective simple with 1 step alloderm reconstruction nipple and skin sparing Oncotype score 5. No chemo. Dx 7/20/2011, ILC, <1cm, Grade 2, 2/18 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 8/9/2011 Lymph node removal: Left, Sentinel; Mastectomy: Left; Prophylactic mastectomy: Right; Reconstruction (left); Reconstruction (right) Dx 2/2/2014, ILC, Stage IV, ER+/PR+, HER2- Hormonal Therapy 5/24/2016 Aromasin (exemestane) Radiation Therapy External: Bone
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Aug 7, 2011 09:01PM voicewriter wrote:

Dixiebell,

We all need hugs and to support each other here.  I will be thinking of you Wednesday.  Let us know how it goes...sending love :)

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Aug 7, 2011 09:37PM Hoolianama0508 wrote:

Whoa, that is awful. I am so sorry that happened to you. What stands out for me is when you mentioned that you haven't had time to deal with losing your breasts, let alone his behavior.  You come first in all things. I know this is hard for you but I want to encourage you to put him out of your mind. Let this guy go, because to me, he is toxic and you do not need anymore of that. He will only impede your healing with pettiness, and you deserve more than that. And by the way, your life is the blessing, don't let him disguise it with his crap.

Hugs to you.

I matter, I count, I am important. I am living strong Dx 3/27/2009, IDC, 5cm, Stage IIIA, Grade 3, 1/13 nodes, ER-/PR-, HER2-
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Aug 8, 2011 05:23PM - edited Aug 8, 2011 05:26PM by Fearless_One

Dixiebell, how old was this guy that he wanted more kids (or so he says)?   Anyways, he sounds shallow like so many of them.   My LDB dumped me when he saw what my hair looked like after it grew in from chemo (I still had my breasts then).   Shallower than mud puddles, these guys...

lump/chemo/rads/hyster-ooph/mastectomy/implants
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Aug 8, 2011 06:35PM dixiebell wrote:

Hi Fearless: He is 39 I know I know 10 years younger than me. But age was never an issue because I don't think I look my age and we just fit or so I thought. . He has a 2 year old from a previous marriage. But for whatever reason its all for the best. Its so hard finding a decent guy no matter how old they are!!

BMX 8/10/2011 Left radical / right elective simple with 1 step alloderm reconstruction nipple and skin sparing Oncotype score 5. No chemo. Dx 7/20/2011, ILC, <1cm, Grade 2, 2/18 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 8/9/2011 Lymph node removal: Left, Sentinel; Mastectomy: Left; Prophylactic mastectomy: Right; Reconstruction (left); Reconstruction (right) Dx 2/2/2014, ILC, Stage IV, ER+/PR+, HER2- Hormonal Therapy 5/24/2016 Aromasin (exemestane) Radiation Therapy External: Bone
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Aug 8, 2011 06:42PM FireKracker wrote:

You are soooo lucky to be rid of him...You are worth more then that!!!!! Good luck.

Focktober!!!!Pink stinks!!!!
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Aug 11, 2011 07:20AM Fearless_One wrote:

Dixie, it's not about looks (yes, you look so young, you look wonderful) - it's about being in different places in our lives.   I will not date a younger man.   But it's a personal choice.    With that being said, I agree with grannydukes - what a jerk.....

lump/chemo/rads/hyster-ooph/mastectomy/implants
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Aug 11, 2011 07:35AM Merilee wrote:

Don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out! Through my husband out while on Chemo the first time. I was out shoveling snow out of the drive way so that I could go to work. He was setting in his lazyboy. That is when it occurred to me, that  this man does not love me.

There were tons of other issues but I was trying to hang on as I did not want another failed marriage. As far as forgiveness, remember, that is for  you not him. With help I have been able to forgive and view him as a pathetic ridiculous fool who lost the best thing he could ever have hoped for ...me.

breastcancerbeast.blogspot.com & downsyduderescueranch.blogspot... Dx 4/4/2011, ILC, 1cm, Stage I, 0/9 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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Aug 12, 2011 11:45AM voicewriter wrote:

I read your posts, and agree, but still, I am struggling with this whole relationship thing.  My ex admits that he treated me badly, and also has moved on.  He's dating someone else.  I'm trying really hard to move on, but it's really hard.  It's worse because I've had a bilateral mastectomy, so I'm a little nervous about getting back out there.  I've never had a problem meeting men, it's keeping them that's always been my problem.  This was a keeper, but I had doubts, and then the relationship turned to shit.  At 55, I wonder if I'll ever have true love again. 

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Aug 12, 2011 11:46AM voicewriter wrote:

He also told me after my mastectomy, after I got two clean bills of health, but was still obsessing (as I tend to do) that if I was going to continue to obsess, he wasn't going there with me.  So WHY do I want this guy back?? 

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Aug 12, 2011 04:10PM carol1949 wrote:

I have had too many people tell me that breast cancer is affected by "relationships" not to at least have looked into it!  Our breasts represent nurturing.  When we nurture everyone except ourselves, it take energy away from our own health. " I found the book You Can Heal Your Life", by Louise Hay to be very helpful.

Many therapists say, whatever you were doing when you were diagnosed w/ breast cancer..... do exactly the opposite!  In other words.... learn to love yourself first and worry about another person after that!  We each have our own journey and are really witnesses to one another for our lives.

Dx 4/4/2008, IDC, 6cm+, Stage IIIB, ER+, HER2-
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Aug 16, 2011 07:28PM dixiebell wrote:

carol1949 I love what you said do exactly the opposite!!! Makes sense. Voicewriter I think we always want what we can't have. You will find love again. This I believe completely!!!!!

BMX 8/10/2011 Left radical / right elective simple with 1 step alloderm reconstruction nipple and skin sparing Oncotype score 5. No chemo. Dx 7/20/2011, ILC, <1cm, Grade 2, 2/18 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 8/9/2011 Lymph node removal: Left, Sentinel; Mastectomy: Left; Prophylactic mastectomy: Right; Reconstruction (left); Reconstruction (right) Dx 2/2/2014, ILC, Stage IV, ER+/PR+, HER2- Hormonal Therapy 5/24/2016 Aromasin (exemestane) Radiation Therapy External: Bone
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Aug 16, 2011 08:45PM Fearless_One wrote:

I believe it, too, Dixiebell.....

lump/chemo/rads/hyster-ooph/mastectomy/implants
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Aug 17, 2011 09:00PM voicewriter wrote:

Thank you all.  I hope you are right.  Dixie, how was your surgery???  Wasn't it today? 

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Aug 18, 2011 05:56PM Fearless_One wrote:

VW, I hope you are in better spirits today.....

lump/chemo/rads/hyster-ooph/mastectomy/implants

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