Singles with breast cancer who want to connect.
Posted on: Aug 29, 2012 12:55AM
after having a mastectomy a few months ago, i can't stop thinking about other women's breasts.... about how they are all normal and natural and even if they aren't the ideal shape or size they're still in a way perfect because they haven't been hacked up and radiated to hell. its a terrible jealousy i feel. there they rest, comfortable in a normal bra. they move when the rest of the body moves. they have nerves in them that work and have sensation. other people, men, are attracted to these breasts. they're a constant reminder of what i've lost. its like a giant chunk of my sexuality was excised and i'll forever have to explain and apologize for it. it feels like i can't ever expect anyone to consider me for love or intimacy because of i no longer have what i used to have, what most other women my age have. it feels like my sex life has been canceled. now all i can do is sit on the sidelines and watch my friends meet people, date, fall in love, get married and start families etc. i get to be the spectator, looking at other women and knowing for sure that they have something i don't.Log in to post a reply
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Posts 1 - 18 (18 total)
Oct 30, 2012 06:56AM J_Lynn wrote:
amyc197, thank you so much for having the courage to write about this annoying and haunting problem. I have had the same feelings for so long -- since my first mastectomy, in 1995. It is both frustrating and depressing. Seeing this written down so clearly helps me feel I am not as much of an oddball as I thought I was.
Oct 30, 2012 08:50AM CelineFlower wrote:
Yes thank you for writting this...
i feel so genderless...
my breasts are ground zero
i dont even want to touch them anymore..
Oct 30, 2012 10:35AM topless wrote:
I find myself fascinated with cleavage on TV. I never really noticed before and now I feel sad and envious when I see women about my age and think " I used to look that good too". Another hit to body image. It's like being pecked to death by a million ducks.
Feb 23, 2013 08:06AM softness1 wrote:
Lol. This is such a funny topic!!! One I can relate to. I have to catch myself because I watch breast regularly, somewhat out of envy. The naturalness of it all. Funny, a little over 2 months ago I never paid attention. I look at old pictures of myself and tear up missing my old breast. I watched video of my niece's wedding. I had on the cutest dress & my girls were jiggling and moving. It's not that they were perfect. 34C after 2 kids in a 41 yr old. Lol. But when I saw them I was like oh my freaking God, they were nice. Lol
These things I have now don't jiggle, I have no nipples, there's no feeling whatsoever. A long healing scar going across both breast. It's so depressing. I feel like frankenbarbie. I talked to my asshole sis and was telling her my issues. She started laughing hard and say "wait take a pix of them with ur phone & email it back!" So insensitive
So at work I watch the women. They laugh hard and their breast move with them. mine just sit there and unless im stomping. Theres no movement...Everything there's can do makes me think of what mine can't do.
U truly never miss ur water til ur well runs dry. I miss my girls. I miss my nipples. Aren't breast defined by nipples. I mean on TV they can show every side of the naked breast and as much of the breast without penalty unless nipple shows. I've seen tv shows where women are only wearing those little pasties over the nipple and its not indecent
Aug 29, 2013 03:30PM lleonescu wrote:
I had my first mastectomy 9 years ago. Then I found out I am positive for BRCA 1 gene and had my other breast removed as well. I did reconstruct with implants, but I am having some problems with my radiated skin. I will probably end up getting a lat. flap. I am not at all happy about this. In the beginning, I was married and didnt worry about what I looked like naked in front of my husband. I have been divorced for four years now and am really depressed about my breasts. I see boobs EVERYWHERE!! I'm sure I notice them more than med do. It's gotten so bad I've isolated myself from most of my friends. They get to have their boobs and I am so jealous!! I have a hard time listening to their problems because they are all fixable. My problem (reconstructed hacked scarred breasts) is permenant. I'm not sure what to do. I'm only 39 and am not looking forward to a lifetime of feeling this jealousy and anger. Therapy doesn't help. It can't fix my problem. I'm not looking forward to spending the rest of my life alone either. I'm not sure what to do about it. Any suggestions?
Dec 1, 2013 09:25PM - edited Dec 1, 2013 09:25PM by juneping
i haven't had my mx yet but i already started looking at other women's breasts. i just think, wow how nice to keep the real thing, regardless they are big, small, perky or droopy.
softness - wow, your sis was so insensitive...
lleonescu - your post made me sad, and i want to say if you find a good therapist or counselor you will probably feel a little better. don't let your breasts define you. you are a brave, beautiful woman and your character and you body make up the whole you. too bad we can't keep our breast(s) but they don't define you.
i watched a documentary, the name is "happy" on netflix. this woman had a fight with her SIL who drove away in anger and accidentally her glove/hand was caught in the car door handle. she was dragged for a while face down. her face was ruined. her husband left her and her son stood by her. later she met a man and they got married. her personality/character shined thru in that short clips while she's talking. she's radiant. don't give up hope.
Dec 31, 2013 11:37PM melp27 wrote:
i feel exactly the same but i have found councelling and support groups help alot when you are feeling down. I tend to think that i have one up on other women because they havent had to go through what I have and they may not be as strong and resillient as I have had to be even while waiting for my reconstruction. hugs to you
Nov 23, 2014 10:33AM duvan wrote:
I recognize myself in what you write. I too tend to get almost obsessed with noticing boobs everywhere and how beautiful they are regardless of size, shape, etc. Because they are REAL. I have a different story, did not have cancer but had my breasts removed because of other reasons that were painful too, and I'm not too happy with my reconstructed breasts. They could have been much worse, but they could have been better too. At least I'm glad that they look normal when I'm dressed, it's possible to hide them but I am afraid to show myself to any man, if the occasion would come.
Anyway I know I'm not the only one who feels this way and that comforts, and also for me it could have been worse, like loosing an arm or a leg, I sometimes comfort myself with thinking like that.
Sep 29, 2015 03:26AM bak94 wrote:
I know this is an old thread, but i can relate to all of these posts, except I have not had reconstruction yet. I want to, but have to lose weight first. Any new comments about this? How do you deal with dating? Would love to hear some good stories, or from others who are struggling with this issue.
Oct 17, 2015 03:40AM December wrote:
Oh Amyc, I feel your pain. But I'm 57. I've been inflating my TEs for months - only to have the non-cancer side deflated @60% because of the rads I will be starting in a few weeks. Nope, couldn't deflate both breast the same. The non-cancer side has to be smaller than the breast being targeted by the Rad- And, it does make since. But, Talking about lopsided! And I will remain lopsided through most of 2016 as my PS requires you to wait a year after rads before he will exchange the fake, fake boobs - for the real fake boobs.
When I started the TE inflating - I was (and am) very confused as to what size I want to be. Well, call the one good thinkg about the set-back - My goal was to wear the same size bra as I did before, C. But when I inflated them to the point where I could wear my old bras, my breasts looked so much different - actually looked bigger, rounder, with no sag. Also hard as rocks. Oddly enough, the side they deflated still fits my C bra - just not near as full, and the deflated side is suddenly much softer and "squishy" - ALMOST like normal - with even a little more sag and much less the large round rock still on my cancer, inflated size. The good thing I see in this - I'm almost likeing the deflated side better. But, I've lots of time to decide.
As for the sex - I heard, and it really made since - Men are not as into our body image and you would think. If you are a vessel for their sexual satisfaction - when it comes right down - they aren't thinking about your body flaws, or even your perfections during sex - they are just thinking about the act itself.
Even though I'm bald, lopsided, have scars - I've been shocked at how many men have asked me out - and really seem to want to share my company - most of them are even hoping that eventually they will end up in by bed. And here I am an older woman!
But, as for me, I'm not ready to start a serious relation untill I finish all treatments. I know that my emotions are going to be out of wack until I see this through. And, if the right man, hopefully a Christian man willing to commit to a life long relationship - I might consider it. I also believe that most good me are really anxious to show that share intamacy with you - and show you what a loving man (performer, even) regaurdless of any flaws we might have.
When the right man comes into your life - I believe you will find great comfort, acceptance, and freedom in the bedroom. Ya'll might even share a more intamate and honest sexual relationship than women who have not gone through this mutilation, poisoning, and burning. Scars are an intimate and very personal thing - And it should be a man's honor that you have trusted him with the most vulnerable, intamate, parts of yourself. When I was a young woman, I felt a bit like you were writing - ashamed of my c-section scars- but it became a non-issue immeidately - my husband would even caress my scars. I truly knew it did not matter to him in the slightest.
Now, I do understand there is a huge difference between c-section scars- and mastectomy scars. And if your partner is also your husband, that puts you ahead in all the insecurity issues.
But I do believe that when you get through your last treatments, there is a man out there when you are ready, to bring your sexuality to great heights.
You still have too many emotions to be worried about such things at this time. You will feel wanted and beautiful again - and when that happens - you'll wonder why in the world you ever envied the "flawless" women. And on a side note, I promise you that even these "flawless" women, have many insecurities of their own (my thighs are too big, arms to skinny, acne skin, love handles, eyes to close together, nose not shapped right - well, you get the point!) Hang in there! It's going to be better than you ever imagined!
Oct 17, 2015 11:14AM - edited Oct 17, 2015 11:17AM by 27heart
This thread speaks so much truth that it hurts. Yes, I am in the phase where I'm envious of real breasts and I beat myself up for feeling that way. I mean, what good does it do to resent our condition? My mx is in Jan (I'm having neo-adjuvent chemo now) and the anticipation tears me apart on some nights. I keep telling myself that it's all mind over matter, that our bodies are just vessels driving our bodies when we are in bed, that it's the attitude that counts. But.. But...
Nov 8, 2015 10:31AM Leslie13 wrote:My new breasts are only a month old so I'm still adjusting. I insisted on a few things which make me feel a little better about losing my old breasts. For one, since I was on the smaller size I asked for a nipple sparing, direct to implant surgery. And I interviewed 3 plastic surgeons before I felt comfortable with someone who had the skill set. And I asked for anatomically (gummy bear) correct implants.
Nov 8, 2015 11:05AM debiann wrote:
I'm 54 and married. My husband was totally ok with whatever decision I made about mx and reconstruction so I decided on uni MX with no recon. It seemed to be the most logical answer. Having breasts didn't seem important enough to put myself though the extra surgeries. Prior to surgery, I was very happy with my decision ( I thought) and I was investigating breast forms and bras feeling like "Yeah, I can do this." Then I had a physical therapy appointment. The office was very busy that day. As I stood at the counter waiting to pay and schedule my next appointment I found myself staring at all the women's breasts! Old ones, young ones, fat ones, skinny ones, noticing the clothes they were wearing, the cut of the necklines, the movement of the breasts and of course the cleavage. I felt so sad to be losing something everyone else had. I changed my mind and had a double mx with DIEP recon. I don't notice other women's breasts anymore, but I do from time to time touch my own, lol. I'm happy with the natural feel and look of them and while the sensation is different, they do have some sensation when touched.
Nov 8, 2015 12:16PM leftduetostupidmods wrote:
I am not missing my old breasts. I hate them because they tried to kill me.
Maybe I'm also fortunate for having (after many surgeries and quite a few years of discomfort) a very nice and quite natural looking reconstruction, so even if I sometimes envy one woman or another's breasts it's the same as I did before BC - I mean, come on, see a 20+ with a 30DD all perky and not have a little bit of jealousy? But otherwise, yes, I do look at other women's breasts and most of the time I think "haha, I'm older than you and my boobs look better than yours and will be looking better til the day I die! It's payback, bitches!". And I feel like I deserve this, it's my little bright shining silver lining, for which I paid dearly, with months of suffering and tears. I'm worth it.
Give it some time. Once all is said and done and your recon is over a year old and things had time to settle, you will love it. You will be proud of it. Look at it like it's your own personal Nobel prize.
Now if we talk about feeling, and especially feeling in the nipples .... sigh.
Nov 15, 2015 08:39PM klmorales76 wrote:
leslie13. How are you doing with your direct to implant? I had the same surgery on October 21. I feel that they are very hard and have divets under my arm and am sore in my sternum area, very hard to bend. I am healing slowly I still have 2 drains 26 days post o
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