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Topic: Stage 4 and Single

Forum: Singles With Breast Cancer —

Singles with breast cancer who want to connect.

Posted on: Jan 30, 2014 02:33AM

deliciae wrote:

I broke up with someone just short of a year before getting my Stage 4 dx in October and it was a bad breakup, which had me really soured on dating for a while.  Now, however, I'm back to my usual self, thinking about how lovely it would be to meet someone and connect with them.  I'm also in the middle of chemo, with fresh scars and bruises on my chest and belly, and lots of ridiculous SEs from the chemo...lookin' hot!  :)

My dx has really changed my worldview and I know that every moment is precious, so I don't want to waste a lot of time keeping myself on the shelf as far as meeting someone goes. Stage 4 is a scary thing to share with someone but really, nobody comes with a guarantee, and I do deserve to find love even as I go through this. I'm only 44 (45 next week!) and not ready to give up. Got any success stories to share to give me some hope?

Dx 10/17/2013, Stage IV, mets, ER+/PR+, HER2- Chemotherapy 10/30/2013 Carboplatin (Paraplatin), Gemzar (gemcitabine) Chemotherapy 1/9/2014 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel)
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Feb 3, 2014 06:53PM juneping wrote:

hi deliciae,

i was reading your bio, and want to say you have a brave soul. i am single as well and not ready to date anyone. only thinking about me right now.

i wish you the best...hope you meet someone with a good heart soon.

juneping.wordpress.com/ Dx 11/15/2013, DCIS Dx 11/15/2013, IDC, 6cm+, Stage IIIA, Grade 2, 2/35 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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May 8, 2014 05:26PM CarrieBelongs wrote:

I'm Stage 4 as well.  I'm not sure I would want the stress of a relationship.  The "honeymoon" phase would be great, but that's rarely lasting.  I'm also too selfish with my time and love being alone so I'm not sure there would be someone who would be okay with me running off into the woods to find alone time with God...and not inviting him.  I found other things like trips to Europe and meeting new friends as my post diagnosis adventure.

I'm sure you'll find someone great.  I'm definitely not opposed to it if it's the right fit; but I don't really date at all anyway.  There's a woman named Dikla Benzeevi.  If you google her you will find a lot of information including her testimony of finding a great guy while she was (and still is) battling stage 4 BC.  I'll admit that although I'm not looking, her story did give me hope of possibly getting married someday to someone who will be there in this battle with me.  It's not easy alone especially when you're estranged from a toxic family.

Dx 8/31/2011, Stage IV, mets, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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Nov 2, 2018 04:01PM LoveFromPhilly wrote:

hi! Anyone find themselves in this predicament out there?

I am single - there have been a few options for dating. But I am not sure I have the psychic energy to take on a romantic relationship anymore.

Just curious if/how people who are stage 4 and single are doing.

Thoughts? Pleasantries? Grievances?

💫 🧚🏾‍♀️ 💫 🧚🏾‍♀️ 💫 🧚🏽‍♂️ 💫 🧚🏽‍♂️ 💫 🧚🏾‍♀️ 💫 🧚🏾‍♀️ 💫 🧚🏾‍♀️ 💫 🧚🏾‍♀️ Dx 3/25/2017, IDC, Right, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 3, ER+/PR+, HER2- (IHC) Hormonal Therapy 4/5/2017 Femara (letrozole) Targeted Therapy Ibrance (palbociclib)
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Nov 3, 2018 10:17AM candy-678 wrote:


I am single. I am sure I have posted that before in my posts. I have never married. Never found the right one.  

I am ok with that.  Sure it gets lonely- go to appointments by myself and to be fighting this by myself.    But as my mom used to say, " There is worse things than being lonely".  Of course she said this to me way before my cancer diagnosis and she passed before I was diagnosed.  But I understand her thought---what if I had a horrible marriage AND have cancer.  Or what if my husband didn't want to go through this with me and wanted a divorce along with the cancer battle.  I know some who post here with MBC are married and seem to have a good relationship and can rely on their husband for support, but so many marriages seem to be in turmoil.  And some who post infer that they need to be strong for their mate and don't seem to be able to just break down and cry on their mate's shoulder.  So is their mate really "there" for them.  

I have always been independent, so I am used to doing things on my own.

But..... THIS IS WAY HARDER.  My concern is when things get bad.  What will I do then when I cannot continue to go to appointments or treatments by myself. Or when I cannot continue to maintain my house without someone to help. Or when the end comes...

I just keep on keeping on and try to place it in Gods hands.  But it is hard.   

Found mets on CT for unrelated issue. I only had 2 treatments with IV chemo, then switched to hormone therapy/targeted therapy. Also using Xgeva injections for bone mets Dx 6/2017, ILC/IDC, Left, 3cm, Stage IIB, Grade 3, 0/1 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Dx 9/2017, ILC/IDC, Stage IV, metastasized to bone/liver, 0/1 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Targeted Therapy Ibrance (palbociclib) Hormonal Therapy Femara (letrozole), Zoladex (goserelin) Chemotherapy AC Surgery Lymph node removal: Sentinel; Mastectomy: Left
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Oct 22, 2019 10:06AM Anotherone wrote:

candy , as for most that time comes when they are older half/more than a half would have lost their partners already anyway so they would be in the same boat as us single ones. I guess that is where friends, social care and children step in and when they can not cope either one goes into supported accommodation. But those issues are more independent living ones than dating/relationship ones.

Your mother was very right; I kind of usually have little sympathy to those that are in a relationships that are worse than being single as I reason they have an option of becoming single and it is their choice not to . But circumstances differ and of for some reason getting out of relationship was not viable it indeed would have been worse than being single..

I promise to report on this thread how my romantic life goes :). First diagnosis has not stopped me in any way , shall see whether this one does ..

Primary in 2006, metastasis 2019. Sorry can lot log in diagnosis and treatment info properly - it gets jumbled. Dx 10/10/2006, IDC, Left, Stage IIIC, metastasized to lungs, Grade 3, 4/9 nodes, ER-/PR-, HER2+ Dx 7/1/2019, IDC, Stage IV, metastasized to lungs Chemotherapy 9/17/2019 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy Herceptin (trastuzumab) Radiation Therapy External: Chest wall Surgery Lymph node removal: Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy: Left; Reconstruction (left): Tissue expander placement
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Oct 22, 2019 10:22AM Micmel wrote:

I am stage four as well, but I am not single. I am only here because I wanted to offer a different view which is from someone who has been with her DH for 16 years. Love of. My life. I have no Stamina, no desire, for me. I kindly and lovingly love him, for him. I don’t need sex in my life anymore since stage four. My body has changed and to be perfectly honest, it is very painful. I don’t know your details, but mine are ugly. Liver resection scar and a frankenboob that doesn’t match my other with a nipple. I don’t like being naked at all. The level Of intimacy has changed dramatically, I feel sad for him. He’s a beautiful person who deserves the best. I cannot be that best for him and I feel guilty as hell about it. So I live with fear of him leaving (I know he won’t) and the fear of being the hole in the bucket. I sometimes feel so alone that even though we are so close, they can’t possibly understand how we feel, sometimes it just becomes more of a companion need and a deep desire for a connection to someone, to physically not be alone. But if I weren’t married now, I wouldn’t seek anyone for myself. I just feel like I wouldn’t have the energy or desire to put the effort into the honeymoon stage of the relationship. I sleep a lot. I really went straight into menopause, torture, I just have lost my sexy inside of myself and I don’t see it coming back. For myself, If you feel like you can be this woman. Then you find that man and I wish you the world of happiness because everyone deserves someone to love and to be loved by. Strong women here for sure. Me not so much! My parts are cemented shut it seems, estrogen means no lube. So get some! And wish you the absolute best !
Dx 1/22/2016, IDC, Left, 4cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 2, 13/35 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 2/10/2016 AC Surgery 6/21/2016 Lymph node removal: Left, Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy: Left Chemotherapy 7/20/2016 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy 11/7/2016 Ibrance (palbociclib) Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole) Surgery Chemotherapy Chemotherapy
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Oct 22, 2019 04:33PM Anotherone wrote:

aww Micmel your post is so sad .

Frankenboob and a scar should not have stopped you in themselves - I do not see mine as a frankenboob but as a vast improvement to restriction of one flat side and I do not think I am in any way different with it - we all have different parts and not the best part etc even healthy. I miss another nipple a bit as an erogenous zone - that is it. There was a lady in the " I want my mojo back" o sex forum here, she said in 4 years she got fed up with hand and blow jobs - but they had those 4 years and many pleasurable moments , it is just so wasteful that you two lost them! I understand no penetrative sex but sex is so much more than that - I just can not stand the idea of you two losing it while you are still alive!

Primary in 2006, metastasis 2019. Sorry can lot log in diagnosis and treatment info properly - it gets jumbled. Dx 10/10/2006, IDC, Left, Stage IIIC, metastasized to lungs, Grade 3, 4/9 nodes, ER-/PR-, HER2+ Dx 7/1/2019, IDC, Stage IV, metastasized to lungs Chemotherapy 9/17/2019 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy Herceptin (trastuzumab) Radiation Therapy External: Chest wall Surgery Lymph node removal: Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy: Left; Reconstruction (left): Tissue expander placement
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Nov 9, 2019 03:14AM arolsson wrote:

I'm happy to find this thread. My husband of 20 years left me the first time I had cancer, he thinks he's a hero for having waited until I had finished my treatment (or so I thought) to admit he'd been having an affair with a much younger woman because the cancer "scared him". Now stage IV, nonstop chemo for 2 years, mets to liver and spine. Just turned 52 and all my female friends are rediscovering their own partners or finding new ones. I've dated a few men but as soon as I admit I am terminal they all say its no problem then quietly start "ghosting" me.

Compared to a year ago I no longer have the fear of dying alone and I don't flinch when I tell the hospital there's nobody to put down as an emergency contact. I don't feel sorry for myself when the dozens of people who told me they would "be there, no matter what, no matter when" can't help me get to the hospital when my fever spikes because they have theater tickets or had been looking forward to a quiet night at home. I do have two lovely normally self-absorbed teenagers and lots of wonderful friends. And as with all Stage IVs I am constantly being told that I look great! But looking for that dating app for those of us who want to find--maybe another in the same situation? There must be single men out there with cancer? Do we have a "brother" site somewhere?

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