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May 12, 2015 02:58PM
Jackbirdie, Julie, Gramma, and all - can't thank you enough - did see my BS yesterday afternoon as my PS is out of town (figures) - he says right now things look okay - but did add another antibotic. The itching seems to be going away - I think that as the stuff they used to put me under gradually left my body completelly, the itching went away with it! My BS didn't seem concerned with it.
Y'all are my heros! Yes, I do understand that I have to rest, give this a few weeks, and this is something I am challenged to live through. It is just so d*&^%! depressing. I look at the dishes in the sink, the laundry, and all of that. The piles of bills and paperwork that need to be dealt with (med bills, more and more and more!)...I want to run to the store and get a bag of candy and some chips - but I can't drive because I've already taken pain meds. (Yep, my BS said I could drive short distances as long as I was not on pain pills since I live alone - less than a week out of surgery - I was shocked!)...anyway, point is I HATE, as I'm sure everyone else here has felt the same, being so dependent for the smallest of things.
Kinda weird - I don't want company because I doubt if I can be much fun to be around and I'm so tired of people feeling sorry for me. People don't know what to say or what to do - they feel awkward around me. But at the same time- I do feel a little lonely. I'd like to have someone over to watch a movie with, eat pizza, or maybe drink a beer or cocktail with - and laugh (Yes - I know - booze is weeks if not months away) - The point is - I'd like some feeling of being my old self back again - and...
I think I'm just going to have to begin developing a new relationship with this new self - and learn to love this new me. Sometimes I think I'm morning, like grieving in a death experience - and I did not expect that. I did not realize that I had any kind of attachment to my breasts - but after living with them for 55 years, and sharing so many things and life turning events with girls, lol, I'm finding that I miss them, and that I feel betrayed, betrayed by my own breasts - and I'm angry.
Does anyone ever think...why me? What did I do to piss My Lord off! Don't get me wrong - I don't believe that God punishes His children with illness - but I do believe you can loose His protection! And after what I've gone through the past 3 years ... with this final BC think, I want to scream, OK God, I get it! I'll be good from now on! Except - for the life of me I don't know what else to do gain His blessings - other than be perfect - and in my beliefs, that's why Jesus suffered the cross.
Sorry, sisters, Pain meds kicking in, venting pouring out. No need to respond - but who else can I throw these inner most thought at without freaking them out!
Blessings, Prayers, and Laughter to all. (Time to Milk the Drains, etc.)
PS - Sometimes, here, I feel a little selfish - I really want to be helpful to others, too.
"Be still and know that I am God"
2/2/2015, ILC, Right, 5cm, ER+/PR+, HER2-
5/2015, ILC, Right, 5cm, ER+/PR+, HER2-
5/6/2015 Lymph node removal: Right, Sentinel; Mastectomy: Left, Right; Prophylactic mastectomy: Left; Reconstruction (left): Nipple reconstruction, Silicone implant, Tissue expander placement; Reconstruction (right): Nipple reconstruction, Silicone implant, Tissue expander placement
6/14/2015 AC + T (Taxotere)