Jun 17, 2019 02:27PM - edited Jun 17, 2019 02:33PM by Spoonie77

HI FairyDragonFly - First off, I am so sorry you are here, am beyond sad and sending my deepest condolences on the loss of both your parents last year AND your beloved Kiwi. :( On top of all of those heartbreaking losses, ending up with a IDC dx to boot. Ugggh, life never promised to be fair, did it? Oh the humanity. Sending you tons of virtual hugs.

I can relate to so much about losing your Kiwi. I've been a Spoonie and life has been challening. I'm also single. However, for 14 years my Onyx got me through so many rough patches, letting me hold him like a baby, snuggle with him, cry into his fur.....all of which I'm sure your Kiwi likely did for you. I lost him in 2014. Like you, I also adopted another kitten, Ariana. She is her own self and not a lap cat, not even 4 years later. However, she has become much more affectionate in her own way. I also adopted a resuce pup, which unfortunately turned out not to be much of a snuggle bug either. So like you, I've lost my at home sympathy and love giver. I will say that over time both of them have added so much joy to my life, in their special unique ways. They will never be my Onyx, just like your new balls of fur will never be your Kiwi. Don't give up hope on your furballs though, in a few years they may surprise you and change their ways as they age, or you will all come to appreciate each other more for different reasons along the way. My sisters cat Booboo wouldn't sit near her for the first 3 years but would follow her like a puppy. Now after 5 years together, he curls up on her lap and sleep next to her. So who knows what your 2 kitties will be like in a year or 3. :)

I don't really have much advice on how to cope with the darkness and searching for the light. I've battled my chronic illnesses/pain for most of my 42 years on this earth. Done most of it alone, as friends family don't really understand unfortunately, although some really did/do try. I always thought, in my mind that "if it was Cancer, they would and they wouldn't abandon me or forget". Ha, life is ironic isn't it?! Unfortunately, seems like even with Cancer on board, I just have a group of friends in general with busy lives (like most people) and/or ones just unable to be solid friends in the face of chronic illness. Not everyone can walk the spoonie/cancer life alongside of us, sadly.

Like you I"m happy alone or in a social setting, but it gets tough some days to keep walking onwards. For me, I've been disabled since 2007 and will never be able to have children, nor work again, so it's hard to find positives to set goals for or towards. I guess I've kind of focused on finding ways to help others over the years and find a feeling of productiveness/purpose in those small ways.

All I can really say, is there is no right answer to how we cope. I do think it takes time to learn or adapt to what works best for us each on our own. I've been doing this Spoonie dance for 29 years now and I think I'm just figuring it all out in the past few years.

Here's what works for me

---- Mindfulness & Meditation (living in the moment, not obsessing/worrying about the past or the future)

---- With BC now, I have a FireFly sister I reach out to. I was paired with her, sort of like a Big Brothers/Big Sisters for Breast Cancer. She has been a GODSEND! She gets it. She has a very similar dx, treatment plan, lifestyle, etc. Her and I are now good friends

--- Journaling and in particular writing, in 5 mins or less, in my daily planner ONE positive FEELING, ONE positive experience, and ONE thing I was GRATEFUL for that day. (Example: F: Excited to see Elisabeth (my PT) today P: PT helped tremendously with my LE/Fibrosis Pain today G: that I was able to take Gypsy on a beautiful walk this afternoon. ) This helps me see that even on bad days, or after a month of seemingly no positives, I can look back and see that I do indeed have good things going on. Helps me stay grounded in reality vs what depression wants to fool me into believing.

--- Spending time outside by water. For me, something about water is healing/calming/just the best. Luckily, the place in moved into right after being dx with BC has a lovely pond with tons of wildlife right outside my door. It's been amazing. Find your thing and when you are having a bad moment/day do that ONE thing that makes you feel the best.

Ok, I think I've blathered on and on enough. Hopefully something here is helpful to you and to others. Everyone's journey is so different but we all need love and to feel not alone. I love this board because no matter what time of day it is, there is always someone here to listen. Hopefully others will stop by soon and offer their thoughts and suggestions. Glad you posted. This will be a good thread I think, one I'll be following and growing from.

Hugs and healing....

Jul 4, 2019 11:18AM kkma wrote:

I thought I was done with breast cancer and the roller coaster effect being a 10 yr survivor but finding myself divorced by choice and now that the newness has worn off I'm lonely and scared. A lot of feeling have come up that no one understands. My kids are grown and have moved on with their lives and I don't want to share with them. I have reached the point where I go to work have am one person for 12 hours a day and then come home and am someone else. I have tried online dating multiple times and it has never worked so I've given up. I have preached to my kids there is a world of people to meet and don't settle...and here I am in my little cocoon. Not sure how to break free anymore....

Jul 4, 2019 11:41AM kkma wrote:

So I was DX’s with MS 2.5 years after BC. It is under control but still there in the back of my head the it is just ONE more thing I have to tell someone I have to deal with and they may have to deal with if they want to be in my life. Even just having friends is hard. Where do you meet people. Yoga is a solo activity as is walking and the gym. So if I do get out to exercise it’s alone...

Jul 4, 2019 03:16PM Fairydragonfly wrote:

It's definitely difficult to meet new people. Whether as friends or something more. Pretty much all my friends here are colleagues. My only family is my younger sister and nephew in a different province. I'm extremely grateful for my friends, along with the wonderful fighters I've met through this forum and my local support group (that ended last week 😭). But when I am alone and feeling blue, I don't think of calling those friends because I don't want to bother them when I am already relying on them for so much practical stuff.

I don't know that I want someone invading my space, but man it would be nice to have someone just snuggle or hug/hold me.