Overwhelmed...sad...mad...
HR+, HER2-, Stage 3 IDC…I think that's how to say it…I had a lumpectomy in July and had my first chemo (dense dose AC-T) last week. Overall I'm greatful for how well I'm feeling. I'm extremely thankful for the anti nausea meds as they kept me at a low level of queasy but nothing too bad. Was extremely tired for a couple days, but have more energy today.
I don't have/do social media, and never been on anything like this before…I've been strongly encouraged to do so though so here I go…
I got on here and feel like everyone has a better idea of what they're dealing with or have ahead of them. I've been taking things one day at a time, which I think is good, but I also kind of feel like maybe I'm not aware enough. A few people around me, while well intended, aren't necessarily helping. I'm being asked why my treatment plan is this way and not that way or why they could do xyz, but my doctor is saying no. I tell them that everyone is different and they went thought treatment 10ish years ago and/or through diffrent medical providers. I looked into getting second opinions but it was taking so long to just get through all the referrals and scheduling issues that it just seemed best to go with where I am at. I feel like things are going ok now, but it leaves me with a bit of the "could've would've shoudl've" feelings.
These well intended friends also keep bringing up their spouses and how helpful they were in big and small ways. They don't realize they're saying it, but as a single, divorced woman. It's hitting hard. I have youg adult children who either live with me or nearby. They are being so sweet and helpful, but it's different. I feel lonely in an intimate way. Not sexually, but just to have someone to put thier arms around me so I can fall apart, to sit with and feel safe…
Which brings me to the mad…It's been a rough road post divorce. My kids all reached milesotnes that brought them fully into their young adult lives, and set me up for some "me" time. I was ready to put myself outhere and try and find love again. Well…I'm getting "me" time, but not at all the kind I was planning on having. I'm also mad for my kids. They've had a hard time too post divorce and should be out enjoying and carving their young adult life paths, but now they're hesitant and worried about me.
It all just sucks, but I also feel whiny and silly because I get on here and see that people have it so much worse.
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Hi @sunsets71 and thanks for your honest, vulnerable, and courageous first post! That is one step in the right direction to finding commonality with all who are right beside you in this experience - we're all here for you and you're definitely not alone in these feelings. We won't speak for others here, but we're hopeful others will be by soon to weigh in with how your post resonates and things they've found to help move through treatment and beyond.
That being said, we wanted to provide some resources that you might find helpful, based on some things you've shared.
First, well-meaning friends and family can be tough to navigate - having conversations with people who just don't "get it" (and even some who do) can be difficult since your situation is just that - YOURS and yours alone. A breast cancer diagnosis is so individual, and treatment is based on so many factors and characteristics of the cancer that you're right - a similar diagnosis 10 years ago would likely have a completely different treatment regimen these days — thanks to research and science about what works and what doesn't for the long haul. Here are some articles that might speak to you:
Also, stick to your guns and have confidence in your treatment team. Looking back can make you feel guilty for not making the "right" decision - there is no "right" decision, just your decision. Once it's been made, then it becomes the right decision. One of our favorite sayings: "Don't should on yourself." Here are some articles that you might find helpful:
And we totally get the feeling of loss of intimacy and wanting someone to just "be there" to hold you and help you through. While it might not seem like it right now, there is hope at the end of this that you'll find a different normal. Things might not look the same after, but you're still a human deserving of love and partnership. You'll get there again, and we have resources to help you through:
And we know mental health is an important thing to consider while going through all of this. Here are some more great resources:
We know we've given you a lot to take in. No need to go through it all right now. Come back to this post anytime and take small bites, if you need to. You've got enough going on!
In the meantime, if you need additional support in the thick of treatment outside of these forums, we invite you to join our In Treatment Virtual Support Groups - they meet Tuesdays at 1pm ET (10am PT) and Thursdays at 6pm ET (there's one today, 3pm PT). These groups help get you get moderated face-to-face support from others who are right where you are. You'll learn tips and tricks to navigate treatment and side effects, as well as a safe place to land your emotions. We hope you'll join us.
Anything else we can do to help, please don't hesitate to reach out. We've got your back.
—The Mods
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Your treatment regime sounds very standard for stage 3 IDC @sunset71. Presumably you will be offered some form of hormonal treatment after your chemotherapy has finished (it is always started afterwards as otherwise it can impede the efficacy of the chemo). Are you being offered radiotherapy too?
Everyone's treatment plan can vary depending on the stage of their cancer, menopausal status and of course the cancer receptors.
Having cancer is literally a full time job so I wouldn't waste your energy chasing second opinions unless you have major doubts about what you are being offered. We all build up our knowledge of breast cancer as our journeys progress - to the degree we want to - sometimes too much knowledge is not a good thing! At one stage I felt I could do a PhD in it. Some of my knowledge is fading a bit now as I no longer think about BC all the time and I am grateful for this. In other words, be careful what you read and absorb. Bite size chunks might be enough for now - a 'need to know basis' until you have capacity to cope with more.
I am sorry that you feel the rug has been pulled from under you in terms of your dating plans. I can relate to the sense of injustice this brings. I had worked through the pandemic and was looking forward to all the restrictions lifting - instead i was thrown into a vulnerable immunosuppressed state and the mental lockdown of being a 'cancer patient' never seemed to end.
A couple of people said to me 'this is not the end of your story'. I didnt believe them initially but with time I was able to pretend I did. Gradually I felt less stuck and was able to plan things and start believing they would happen. You will too. And the gratitude for being able to live the life I want has never really left.
Good luck with all your treatment. Your children will be fine and will have plenty chance to go out and live their lives. They will be all the better equipped to deal with adulthood after you navigate this bump in the road together.
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