Can we have a forum for "older" people with bc?

I know Cam.... I told her that yesterday on the phone!  But she thinks that if SHE buys our tickets, we have to come, no matter what!   I just sent her an email, saying that maybe it would be better if we wait until Spring to come out.... that maybe things will be settled down by then.

Yes, her and her Sister get along great, most of the time....  I just hate when the Husband is stuck in that like a pawn!  Like if HE can't stand up for HER, then HE can't play golf, with his Son!  And what would happen if WE go there?  It's like such a mess!

I don't just love HER, I love my GS's and her Husband!    I just want to hold them altogether, and know that they are getting along.... ALWAYS!   

Gentleness means recognizing that the world around us is fragile, especially
  other people. It is recognizing our own capacity to do harm and choosing 
  to be tender, soft-spoken, soft-hearted, and careful. When we are gentle
  we touch the world in ways that protect and preserve it.  Being gentle
  doesn't mean being weak; gentleness can be firm, even powerful. To behave
  in a gentle manner requires that we stay centered in our own values and
  strength -- that we are active rather than reactive. Coming from this center,
  a gentle word or touch can channel our energy into healing or making peace.

  unattributed, Wisdom Commons

Thank you sweet Jackie!   I haven't heard from her yet!  DD who is here, called and asked "Don't you want to go with me?"  And I said, "honey, I just don't want to get in the middle of all that turmoil....  After they get it straightened out, then we can!"

But she thinks we have to go anyway....  I'll see what Orlando Daughter says....  DH doesn't want to get on that plane ANYway, much less think about not getting to enjoy his Grand-sons, and Son in law all together!

I went up to see Theresa and have coffee with her, and I took her pictures of my garden and all her statues!  She was so HAPPY!  She said she is moving Monday!  She is re-signed to the fact that she HAS to move!  So we talked and laughed, and I was happy that she looked and sounded so good....!    

I know I will be "lost" without that little woman up the alley.... but I will go see her a lot....  She "made" me love her, even when I thought she was a PITA!  

Chevy,  I am very sorry that you are caught in the family dispute.  I think I would have emailed my daughter just like you did.  She can take her time answering.  Perhaps her answer will give you additional insight about what is best for you and your DH as well as her emotional state.  I think you mentioned them visiting you.  Might that help everyone ... you know, time, distance, and a change of environment?

You know, Carole, I would LOVE to do that,  but my DD wants me to feel exactly like she does!   I would like for her to just cool-off, give it a break, and not try and get his Dad to ignore him too!   I mean it is his Son....  It hurts me to think she would even SAY that.... that he can't play golf with him, until he straightens up.

And her Husband will be here tomorrow for 10 days, and I KNOW I can't talk to him about anything.... because if she got word, she would think we were all plotting against her.  So I am staying out of it....  she didn't call, or email yet today.....  I know she is mad.... because I had  emailed her about waiting to come out, until "things get straightened out."  

They never will..... they haven't yet.....  Well they Do for awhile, but then it starts all over again.

She loves him soooooooo much, and would do ANYthing for those boys, and they HAVE!  But I think he is maybe bi-polar, and wants HIS way also!   He takes some kind of meds for something.... maybe that is the problem....  I sure don't know.

Yes Sally, she is coming out in August for a couple days, for a concert.... She will stay with her Sister, but we will get together when we all can!  

I think she will get our tickets, just to show she is boss....  And that way we HAVE to go.

Well just my two cents but I was taught....when there is a GAME going on that is not good, the thing to do is just don't play.  Then the person who is manipulating ( or trying to ) the outcome won't be able to.....games must have participants and he easiest way to make adjustments ( get a person to where they are confronting themselves, is just refusal to be dragged into anything. 

There are personalities though who  need to feel some friction in order to feel that they are in charge or have the upper hand , or just have a lead on the one-up-man-ship of the family dynamics.  It they can behave most of the time hopefully you can have family get-togethers.  It is the ultimatums and expecting others to show you their loyalty and go to bat for your points of view right or wrong....that just set the wheels  in motion the wrong way.  Better to get the line in the sand down and stand pat if you can. 

Thinking about you all.........and despite feeling like I know what to do, and actually doing it, is sometimes not so easy.  Right now I'm in an okay place -- but it shifts now and then.

Blessings

Jackie

Hey all

Chevy they r u r family also, I am a bitch and have said just bc u are pissed doent mean I have to b. You dont decide who I can talk to n who I can't,  if any is a problem then we won't come n hopefully it will b resolved by spring, if not then we will discuss it then. I love all of u an will not b put in the middle..

Happy Friday,  have a nice weeknd,  allthough I will bback, oh yea sprained my ankle just took the ice off of it

Luv

Me

Chevy, Is this the same DD you're worried will give you a dog you don't want? Tell her that she'll just be out the money if she sends you tickets for a trip you're not going to take. There's a good book called "The Dance of Anger", the author may be Harriet Lerner (I'm not sure of the author). It explains how to defuse this kind of situation by not playing the part you're expected to play. It's an old book so the library may have it. If her DH wants to play golf with his son, he should go ahead and do it. The best way to help him may be a good relationship with his Dad.

Adversity, if for no other reason, is of benefit, since it is sure to bring
 a season of sober reflection.  People see clearer at such times.
  Storms purify the atmosphere. 

Henry Ward Beecher

Jackie.... it's okay....  We've talked about this before.... and are right.... he can be what he wants to be, but not try and get anyone else to go along with him....!   I think that's how a lot of religions started.... I heard that if someone didn't agree with the philosphy they were hearing, they broke away...  And started their own church...

I know our family going way back, were all Catholics, but a King of somewhere, broke away from the church, and our family was no longer Catholic....  I don't know how much of that is true, but we ARE Irish, and we WERE Catholic somewhere along the way....

So your Son is just being who he wants to be....  I remember when my Brother, told our Mom, that he was now converting to Catholicism, because of that terrible plane crash, where all the members of the Navy band were killed, but he was sick, and didn't get on that plane that crashed over Sugar-loaf Mountain in Rio!   Mom was Episcopalian I think, but then their friends were Ministers of some church close to them, so then they belonged to whatever that was!

Now my Brother is I don't know what....  He just believes in God....  like I do.  

Again, you got it all figured out!  We LIVE in the path we have chosen.  I'm just saying that I could CHOOSE to raise holy hell every time DH drinks, but I have chosen to stay,  and ignore as much as I can, and just stay happy, doing my own thing, because I KNOW when we both wake up in the mornings, it is all over, and another new day.  

I TRIED being separated away from all that stress about 13 years ago, but that was so much harder on both of us, but it DID help in the long run, and made it possible to be able to live together, with a much deeper understanding of each other....  

Your Son is making his own choices, oblivious, to what you or his Dad would like.  He feels like HE is in charge, and he is, and he thinks that he can do whatever he pleases, like drinking, drugs, etc.  And all of that influences our thinking....  

I think he wants you to think he has carved his place in the sun, and doesn't need any help or advice from his Parents.   Same with my Grand-son.  Sometimes they come around, and will not think their Parents are old fuddy-duddies after all!    And sometimes their Parents mellow out, and don't exPECT perfect behavior from the kids...... just even a little respect would be nice though.  

They have to respect themselves, before they can respect anybody else....  Geez, I almost sound like I know what I am talking about....

Hi 

Chevy-your talk about being Irish, and Catholic, then not Catholic is a theme that runs thru my family.  My father was born in Dublin to a Catholic father and a Protestant mother. Story says the first-born (a son) was baptized numerous times in both religions as uncles on both sides offered to "take the wee one for a little walk", which somehow always ended at the church of their choice, begging for an unscheduled baptism before the "wrong" religion got hold of him. I found out recently that my grandmother's brothers actually tried to kill my grandfather over religion, yet years later, when they decided to follow my grandparents to this country, my grandfather was first to offer each of them a place to stay until they got themselves established. And, years later, when my dad, a Catholic, married my mother, a Protestant, my paternal grandfather, again, was the one who told my father that whoever was going to be responsible for getting the children up, fed, and dressed for church should be able to take them to their church. We were all raised Episcopalian. My cousin, the only cousin on my mom's side (Episcopalian), married a Catholic who became Episcopalian, and my brother became Catholic when he married a Catholic girl. So that evened out pretty well. When I was about 20, the rector from our Episcopal church came over one evening to ask my father to be on the church vestry. He made it clear that the offer did not require him to change religion. While he didn't go to our church often, the rector said they knew what kind of man he was by the family he raised. When my father accepted the offer and asked how to become an Episcopal, the rector again said that was not necessary. My father's answer was "My own church excommunicated me for marrying the woman I love, you are offering my a position in your church without any strings- that's the kind of church I want to belong to." He had continued to go to Mass every Sun for 30 years without being able to receive communion. Oh, the memories!

Anne

Anne and Carole, I just love reading your stories, and laughing Anne, because all of that is so true!  

My Dh was an alter boy when he was little.... He is Italian and Catholic, or course, and the whole fam damily was also.... !  None of them went to church!  Even though they lived right across the street from St. Patrick's Church!  

But I was going to turn Catholic, just to please the whole lot of them, and get married in a Church, of  their choosing!  Because my family was gone, and I wanted to please them!    They didn't like me in the first place..... MAINLY because I WAS Irish, and not even Catholic!  2 strikes.... Ha, ha!

The thing is, we didn't have any money!  We were both working, but we went together for almost 2 years, me living with my Grandma, before we could pay off our bills... (His car, and my "Hope Chest" pots pans and silverware!  We did that in those days!)  

But we decided to just get married at a Justice of the Peace!  Well that was frowned on, shall we say!  I mean the whold family of his was mad.  We didn't care.  It was "our" wedding, and my Mom flew in from California, to be with me.  So she and my Grandma were there, and HIS Mom....  (His Dad would not even get out of bed to go be with us!)

His Cousin, and a friend of his Dad's that I didn't even know, stood up for us.... We were 19 & 20!   We didn't care.... we were just happy to be together....  and THAT was the beginning of my happy life....  Almost 57 years now!  We were married in 1957, had a 57' Chevy in 1961.....  

We don't go to a "church"....  but I think of myself as being very spiritual.... I know I wouldn't BE here, if it weren't for all my prayers, and friends that helped me out, and my Daughter's.    I just believe in God & Jesus.... I still haven't figured out the Holy Spirit thing,  and if you are supposed to pray to God or Jesus!    I know all about the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost, but I could NEVER understand THAT one.  The Priest who was trying to teach me catechism just did not want me questioning any of the beliefs.....  You just "believe"..... period.  

So that first night, in our own little tiny 1/2 of a double, we moved into!  His Cousin and him had a bottle of whiskey.... I had never drank, but they told me I HAD to because I was a new bride!   So I took one gulp, and THOUGHT I WOULD CHOKE TO DEATH!  I thought I was a gonner!    They both just laughed!  I was sooooo mad.  So that was my "honey-moon!"  But we DID go up to the mountains for 2 nights...  I made a corned beef and cabbage dinner!   

How fun to remember those times!

Jackie, I KNOW you are going to laugh!  

Anne, very interesting story ... thanks for sharing. 

I dated a Catholic in high school, then a Moslem in college. When I settled on an Episcopalian, they kept their mouths shut thinking how much worse it could have been. We were married at our house by the Episcopal priest. He asked me if he should wear the stole or just the scarf and I said the scarf. We honeymooned in Tulsa and went to art museums. We were also 19 and 20.