Can we have a forum for "older" people with bc?
Comments
-
Hi all...just checking in to join this forum as part of the over 60 set. Currently recovering from Lx and for some strange reason am hungry all the time. Wasn't hungry at all during all the diagnostic tests and stress of waiting, so maybe I am playing catchup, or maybe I am just bored and watching too many food shows on TV...
I will have both cakes please!
0 -
Mornin all,
Mommarch- hoping the new plan is exactly the one you need.
Allison, so sorry for the loss of your kitty.
Those cakes are beautiful and look delicious. I went to a birthday party yesterday where there was an incredible amount of wonderful food, but since I had come straight from lunch with a friend, I was able to avoid eating what I certainly didn't need.... Except for the birthday cake. Ate a whole piece of it, then felt bloated and yucky for the rest of the day.
You all know by now that my life is anything but calm and routine. My last post was about all the company we had and that experience. What I didn't mention was that on the 4th of July, my youngest daughter ( the one with the mental issues) announced that they had put their house up for sale. Total shock to all of us. We knew they had bought a piece of property in central Fl, and the eventual goal was to move there, but had no idea it was going to happen any time within the next five years. That left me reeling, as I was not ready to hear that. But the house they are currently in is in such bad shape, I thought it would take forever to get an offer on it where they wouldn't be losing money. Wrong again! It sold within 2 weeks. They close Aug 31st.
Now for the part that really stresses me. She texted the other day- yes, texted- to ask if she and the 2 kids could move in with us for the school year. Because of the area they live in, they have been using our address since Victoria started Kdg, she is now going into 5th grade. We have a large 4 bedroom house with an office that has a futon in it for guests. Problem #1 is that all four bedrooms are filled. Problem #2-the daughter currently living with me has stated with no uncertainty that if Jamie moves in, she and her son will move out. That is a problem, because she pays all the bills here, and we have a very comfortable relationship going as far as living together. We enjoy our lives as they are. It is also a problem because right now she is wheelchair bound due to her broken ankle and stopped getting a paycheck 3 weeks ago. Problem #3- Jamie is a terror to live with- her temper flares at any given moment, and most times you don't realize that what you said was insulting or offensive to her. She and Tracy have never gotten along and I don't see that changing. Problem #4-Jamie's current house is a pigsty. She never folds or puts away laundry, the sink is always overflowing with dirty dishes, I don't think she owns a vacuum, etc. Tracy and I aren't going to win any Good Housekeeping awards, but we do our best to keep the house neat and tidy. A few dishes ( mostly ice cream bowls) may sit in the sink overnight, but are taken care of in the morning. Problem #5- and probably most concerning to me- even if Tracy moves out and Jamie moves in and takes over all the bills, which I already know is impossible, but if that were to happen, what do I do when she moves out at the end of the school year. It is not fair to expect Tracy to move out for a year, then move back in, so what happens to me at that point? I cannot financially or any other way maintain this house on my own.
On the other hand, I adore her two children and I am and always have been their safe place to fall. I have often said "if I could just get custody of those two, what a difference it would make" . Both parents are less than stable, as evidenced by them selling the roof over their kids heads with no idea what happens next. The land they bought is an uncleared acre in the middle of many other uncleared acres. As far as I know, there is not even a road to it, and I know there are no power lines or water lines. They also tend to "discipline" by screaming, yelling and spanking non stop. My heart breaks knowing that my saying no to her moving it will not be accepted well, and I might well lose the kids, at least for an extended length of time, until she needs me again. She really messed up with Tracy when she (Jamie) got married less than 6 months after my DH died. When we didn't agree with her, we didn't hear from her till my Dx 7 months later.
My stress level is incredibly high. I know she is going to pull first the "adopted" card, which she is the only one that sees that as an issue, then is going to say we have let the others come home when needed. That is true, but the boys were much younger and not stable yet, when Nancy and Scott came back for a year, we had two empty rooms for them and we asked Tracy to move back in when Bob was so sick to help me out. My choice is very logical and clear to me, calm or total chaos, but Jamie does not and never has been logical. Oh, did I forget to mention that this request does not include her husband- he is going to live in a warehouse with their furniture and his "business". He covers game remotes with themed covers-sports, racing cars, camoflouge, etc. and neither of them have ever held down a real job. Jamie trained to be a hairstylist but gave that up when their second child was born the a stay at home mother. Problem was and is Dad has been a stay at home dad as well. And while three of the kids are telling me I cannot let her move in, it will literally kill me stress wise, my oldest, in Ga, keeps saying that family is family and if I helped everyone else, I need to help her as well. I am willing to do that, even helping her pay rent for a year. I am just not willing to turn my whole life upside down. I don't feel strong enough, physically or emotionally to handle that. Am I being selfish? Any advice or insight would be appreciated. And by the way, we know she has mental problems- she has never acknowledged that or gone for ant kind of help.
Ann
0 -
Anne, You are not being selfish. I think offering to help with rent for a school year is plenty of support. She probably will play the adoption card, but do not be moved by it. There's a big difference between you and your husband being able to support kids living with you and you trying to do it on your own. I think the daughter who is currently living with you should have priority. I suggest seeing a counselor for your feelings and a social worker to see what might be available to help her. Although the proceeds from the house should easily cover a year in a small apartment.
My SIL is in a very similar situation. Her daughter has type 1 diabetes and has never been in really good health. Daughter's husband is in a facility because his COPD is to advanced for him to live at home (plus he doesn't want to and enjoys being waited on at the facility). The granddaughter has 3 children and a bipolar husband who is currently with another woman. She is living with the daughter and SIL is supporting the whole menagerie. Now SIL's DH is retiring and the whole thing is coming to a head. To add insult to injury, the granddaughter keeps posting on facebook about trips to Disneyland. I think that's about $400 a visit.
0 -
Welcome octogirl and we are glad you found us. Some times we are funny, rowdy, pensive, energetic, loving, caring, and sometimes we talk about cancer. I hope you will come often and share whatever you need too. We do our best to help with anything.
Blessings,
Jackie
0 -
thank you for the warm welcome Jackie. All those characteristics you mention sound good to me. It is good to me among those who understand.
0 -
Anne -- when it rains it pours, doesn't it???? Well, as I was reading what you wrote I felt almost the same exact way as Wren. There is absolutely nothing selfish about realizing that everything changes -- for everyone. You cannot always be the adult in the room -- not because you can't --- you have been for a long time, but when something works -- then the adult or adults have done their job.
No matter how un-kind it may sound --- much is being asked of you after the fact. If your daughter was capable enough to buy a property, sell a property, get arrangements settled for her husband --- all without your in-put, then she should be able to get an apt. and make the best of the coming yr. It sounds very much to me that if she were allowed to move in with you ( very big if ) that a temporary arrangement could easily become permanent.
We are not getting younger, we don't have the health, stamina, energy, and high capabilities that were once there --- so that as these things happen our youngsters, married, un-married and everything in between have to figure things out the same way we did. There comes a time when enough is just enough and you have to let the ruling, loving, caring, I have always fixed it all part of your heart take a back seat to your head. It may seem un-fair to your daughter but if she is not able to understand ( and she likely doesn't as she is asking you ) has she thought how un-fair it is to you --- or any of the rest of the family. As much as we want to HELP our loved ones ( and I did it and know how difficult it is ) sometimes we just have to put them TOTALLY in charge of their affairs. Your whole family it sounds are all old enough --- and generally responsible enough to deal with their lives.
The arrangement you have now seems to work just fine. Don't try to fix something that isn't broke for you. Let your daughter find a way to fix what she broke.
Jackie
0 -
Good HOT morning! We just returned from a week in Billings Montana at a Germans from Russia family history conference. Glad we got home in one piece. Had the worst turbulence I have ever experienced on the way back! Scary.
Termite, the cake is beautiful Are you going in business?
Anne I know the adult kids problems. Youngest daughter has decided she wants a divorce. They have 4 kids. First asked me if We wud want to take the kids, NO! they have been at her fathers for the last week, coming here today for a few days. That's all! Then asked if we were interested in investing in a house for her. She wud pay the down payment. Again, she made the decision and has a good job, she needs to figure out whats she will do. When her father left me I managed on my own. So far she has made some other decisions I wud not recommend, but it is her problem to figure out, I'm sorry. Cannot always come to the Bank of Mom! At 42 she needs to be responsible.
0 -
To live content with small means; to seek elegance rather than luxury; and refinement rather than fashion; to be worthy, not respectable; and wealthy, not rich; to study hard, think quietly, talk gently, act frankly; to listen to stars and birds, to babes and sages, with open heart; to bear all cheerfully, do all bravely, await occasion, hurry never; in a word, to let the spiritual, unbidden, and unconscious to grow up through the common. This is to be my symphony. -William Henry Channing
0 -
Waving good morning to octogirl. Hope it will be a good day for you. You didn't say where you were located, but the subject of weather often comes up here. Carole always lets us know what it is doing in Minnesota where she goes for the hot summer time ( big humidity ) of her home in Louisiana. She has some company right now so isn't checking in --- but she will be back.
Going to rain later on today here. We'll be driving home in rain I imagine. going to Marion for an eye examination. The cost to do this here $80.00 was just too much for me --- so I'll spend half in gas and lunch and drive to Marion 73 miles from here.
Well, sounds like most of us have not found an immunity to what our adult children do. They will be saying the same thing likely when the grands and great grands come along ---- I know my folks were not thrilled about many of my choices. With some of them ( that blew up on me ) I wasn't either. I think/hope the important thing is if you learn from what you have done that wasn't so great --- it will make what went goes well a welcome appreciated life event and a map for consistently looking for the better/best ways to arrive at a good life. Some ( me for sure ) don't always have a vision ( even if something happened to our family members or best friends ) to realize that who we are doesn't guarantee the outcome we want. There were some mistakes I would not have learned from through other people --- needing to feel it directly and then work out of it.
Will see you all later....need to get on the road now. Thinking of all of you and wishing wellness in all situations. Waving hi to Blondie, Cammie, Chevy and everyone else.
Blessings
Jackie
0 -
I just found this thread. I was beginning to think that people our age didn't post at all. I know that breast cancer hitsour age age group, but perhaps younger people are more likely to post their thoughts online. Anway, I am glad that I found you.
0 -
waving back to JackieI
I live in California's Great Central Valley, so the big weather topic is always: when the heck is it going to rain again? Yesterday was overcast and the rain made it to the mountains and further south ( I heard that the Padres game in San Diego was rained out for only the sixth time in their history. ) here, just muggy (for us) and warm. Sun out now. My tomatoes are going gangbusters this year which gives me a bit of joy in all this &:893$:(....
Gentle hugs to all!
0 -
Welcome 50'sgirl and octogirl. We're open to questions about breast cancer as well as any tidbits about your life you want to share. Speaking of weather, we matched a record yesterday at 95. Happily today is not supposed to be hotter than 79 and will be lower later in the week. We didn't get much snow last year, so no snowmelt for summer water. Everything is horribly dry and we're having problems with brush fires. Those can get out of hand very quickly. We keep hoping for rain, too.
0 -
Welcome 50'sgirl and octogirl. I see you're both newly diagnosed. Octogirl, be sure you also check out the lumpectomy discussion forum, they'll have some good suggestions. I bet that lymph node incision is pretty tender, Mine bothered me more than the lumpectomy incision. I had one of those long rice filled socks that you can microwave for neck problems. It felt really good to drape that from my shoulder down over over my lymph node incision and under my armpit. Dr said I could use either ice or heat, but to be careful not to burn myself as that area would also be numb and more sensitive. If you get zingy sharp shooting pains through your breast, that's normal, just the nerves in the area all worked up, They eventually go away.
0 -
Thanks Puffin2014, I have definitely been checking out the Lx lounge thread....fortunately, the node incision hasn't been too bothersome yet (ice definitely helps for me) and only one instance of zinging pain so far, but I was prepared for it. I did have my nipple removed in addition to the lumpectomy (thanks to an unfortunate location for the tumor right below the nipple) so that hurts a bit more than I think it would otherwise (?). Nothing a combo of ES Tylenol and Ibuprofen, taken together in doses recommended my surgeon, doesn't deal with, however.
My biggest problem right now, four days post surgery, is itching! Makes me a bit crazy. The drugs don't seem to help it as much as they help pain. Any suggestions? I am going to bs surgeon for post op apt Wedn so that will be on the list to ask about....
0 -
Welcome to Octogirl land 50sgirl.
Anne, I agree that your daughter who lives with you should take priority. What a stressful situation with children involved. I'm sorry you're having to deal with it.
Will try to post a pic of the new deck.
0 -
0 -
Ann! I would move out of your house, and not leave a forwarding address except to anyone you want to see. I would not let them take over your life. Either that or build a tall 8 foot fence around your house, take out the phone, change the locks, and pretend you are never home. Put black shades on all the windows.
People, whether they are family or not, will drive you absolutely NUTS! We'll throw my neighbors in with that bunch too! You know, the ones with chickens, and a cat, and weeds growing on the parking 4 feet tall! I think her name is Sparkle Plenty.... No brains.... a real little flower-child hippy
0 -
Carole, What a lovely place to sit and relax. Your DH did good work.
0 -
Our awning covers most of the patio and provides shade when needed. But I rolled it in to get the best light for the photo. I enjoy the deck more than I expected to.
0 -
Very nice pic of the deck!
0 -
Carole, lovely deck, beautiful geraniums, DH does good work!
octogirl: I don't remember doing anything special for the itching, does the ice help any?
0 -
Welcome 50'sgal, I'm so glad you found us. This is a wonderful group --- though I'm on a couple of other places as well and all are fantastic. I came here just as the thread was starting to take off and have never left. Just very comfortable here and I hope you and Octogirl will be as well. Chevy cuts up a lot around here but it is all in the spirit of love and caring.
The majority of us have been through the mill a while back, but we stay because we like visiting with each other and have found anything that is shared often becomes easier, both for the fact that it just helps to have somewhere to go to get it off your chest and because we have all lived long enough here to have varied experiences and lots of viewpoints.
We have a clown here though she hasn't checked in for quite some time. Her name is Mimi. Puffin is real bird-watcher. Carole as you saw is living in her summer retreat away from the heat and humidity in La.
Anne, who we have been talking to, has homes in Fla. and N. Carolina. Did I get that right Anne -- and we are voicing our feelings about one of her issues.
As for myself, I feed feral cats around town -- keep far too many pets here at my house ( cats and dogs ) work a couple days a week, and leave a quote here in the morning.
Octogirl, I lived in the Santa Barbara/Ventura area of southern California for 25 yrs. Was born and raised right where I am now and here till the age of 18, but by circuitous route and life circumstances did stay a long time in California. It was wonderful ( well maybe not the earthquakes ) but I missed the seasons a lot and when life handed me a chance to "come home" I took it and have been home now for 18 yrs.
Carole -- that is a truly wonderful deck. It is really, really pretty --- and looks bigger than I imagined it would be but seems perfect as it is. I guess the only thing I would need is hand rails on the stairs. Just kidding. We are going to put some on our deck though it is high --- and tricky in winter-time here. When we first bought the house 11 yrs. ago --- who needed handrails. Now that 70 is right around the corner for me --- even without ice and snow hand rails could feel good once in a while.
Went to Marion V.A. this afternoon and had my eye exam. Need a stronger prescription ( which I realized a while back ) but everything else was fine. No glaucoma, or macular degeneration etc. They are giving me hard plastic lenses since my one eye though I can see with it doesn't get corrected vision since it is lazy -- means I have to be a lot more careful with the other and quit having glass lenses. I will get the Crizal in them though. Had that before and it is great. No glare which is truly great at night.
Anyway, the new glasses will come through the mail ( cool ) and I was able for a slight fee to use the glasses I have now which fit me well and everyone likes on me. I was thrilled to be able to go to the V.A. ( major price reduction -- mostly free actually ) but they don't have much of an array to choose from in glasses. So -- I'm glad to keep what works for me. Sure will be glad when my eyes un-dilate. Hate that part.
Saying hi to Paula and Judy, termite and Bonnets and everyone. I hope you all had a gorgeous day.
Jackie
0 -
thanks for the welcomes! On the weather front I just heard that there are flash flood warnings for the Sierra Nevada (Yosemite is 80 miles to our east) and most of the surrounding counties....and it is clouding up here. We may get rain here in the valley!!!! Rain in the Sierra happens in July but in the valley it is almost unheard of....and with this drought, quite strange. I would love some wet stuff!
0 -
oh..and thanks for the reminder to ice Puffin: it does help the itching!
0 -
Jackie, glad for the good report on your eye health.
Octogirl, we have visited quite a few national parks in the west but not Yosemite. I've heard how awe-inspiring it is.
Chevy, how is your garden this summer? Have you created some new decorations?
This morning it's 60 degrees with low humidity. I reached for long pants and a sweat shirt when I got up about 30 min. ago. I'm about to go outside with a cup of coffee.
We still have not bought a boat and I have not used my fishing rod so far. It seems we passed up a good buy early in our search.
Wishing everyone a good day.
0 -
Pause to appreciate the beauty around you.
Whether rainbow or butterfly,
mountain or tree, painting or poem -
whether crafted by nature or by a human hand -
beauty adds a magical element to life
that surpasses logic and science.
--Jonathan Lockwood Huie0 -
Good morning -- cooler here today and less humidity. Can't make me too sad about that. Tomorrow we are going to St. Clair Square ( the big go-to shopping area which is 70 or so miles west of here towards St. Louis, Mo. ) if plans don't change. I broke my chop wizard and need to replace it. There are a few things I use on a rather constant basis and that is one of them. As I tend to be a 'poor' shopper over-all it will be nice to get in the thick of a 'bunch' of stores at once though the chopper is all I'm going for --- but you know how that goes a lot of time.
Carole -- I can picture you having that coffee on your "deck"/porch. That becomes the place to be when the weather permits. We have ( this yr. here has been too strange again ) used ours almost exclusively for everything when it is nice. Having coffee, eating all meals out of doors, just relaxing after spells of work in and outside. It can feel so calming and relaxing --- not confining like when you are closed in by walls -- and the nature around you almost always has something of interest --- at least out here in the country/woods where we are. We have been watching a mama deer and her little twins. For some reason she hangs around here ( seems to know that is NO hunting allowed ) and the baby fawns are some of the smallest I've seen. It is a delight to see them -- though we have seen them more as we come and go since the weather for the deck has been too extreme.
Hope all will have a gorgeous day. Have to go to work but I'll be back afterwards.
Blessings
Jackie
0 -
Good Morning to all.....It is a pretty day here: I was up early, had some coffee (yeah, yeah, I know, I should cut back. Screw it.) in the back yard with hubby. In the summer, mornings are the nicest time around here: cool, quiet, I can hear the birds in my seven sequoia trees and listen to myself think.
It is muggy (for us, those in the Southeast would laugh at calling this muggy I am sure) but no rain here, at least yet. Fairly sure that the mountains got rain and probably some snow higher up last night.
Carole: Yosemite is amazing....being able to see those mountains from my work and from home (on a good day: on a bad day all I see is smog. We are not known for good air quality around here) is one of the charms of living where I do. I am originally from San Francisco, have been in the Central Valley for almost 8 years now, and having Yosemite nearby has made the transition from big city to small town painless. (Not having traffic helps too). Will always miss the SF restaurants however! Fortunately, the big City is only a few hours drive or train ride when I need my fix.
Back to Yosemite: it should be on everyone's bucket list. Spring is the ideal time to visit if you want to see the waterfalls....Autumn and winter the ideal times to avoid crowds. Summer to get to the high country. Come see us, anytime. (but don't ask if you can come visit me while I am recovering from surgery...as one of my well-meaning relatives did: no, please. Not what I need. Send a card, but don't force me to worry about whether my house is dirty when I want to rest and forget that there is housework to be done! ) (So nice to have folks to talk to who I know understand!).0 -
Mornin all,
Welcome 50'sgirl and Octogirl. What a great bunch of people you have chosen to join! Whatever's on your mind, we are here to listen and laugh or cry with you as needed. Between us all, there's a lot of "cancer planet" experience. Whether it's medical, or emotional, one, if not all of us can relate. We've got your back!
That said, we have also become "just" good friends, who share the ups and downs of our daily lives each day. As Jackie said, some of us golf, some garden, some cook, most have furry pets of one kind or another, and, of course, we all have family. Again, for some, it is aging parents, for others children and grandchildren, for others, siblings or friends that are like family. So, join in, tells us about your lives or whatever else is on your minds.
As Jackie said, I am dealing with a family issue right now (Jackie- you were almost right. I have a house in Florida and the other one is in Ga, although I have a son who lives in So Carolina, so you weren't far off). You can go back a page or two and read the details. Basically, I have 5 children who live in 3 states. I live with a daughter both in Ga and Fl. Fl is my main home, only started going to Ga when my oldest daughter moved there 5 years ago. Anyway, my youngest daughter, who comes with a lot of baggage, decided to sell her home here in So Fl, expecting it to take months to sell and it sold the first week. She and her husband have plans to move to Central Fl eventually, but want their daughter (10) to finish elementary school at the school she has been at since Kdg. So she asked if her and her two kids could move in with us for the school year.
There are so many issues attached to that, at the top of which is that she and the daughter already living here don't get along well and never have. In fact, the daughter living with me found a rental for her and her son just in caseI said yes. I stressed all weekend about the situation. I mean really stressed. I love all my children and all 6 of my amazing grandchildren, but have a special attachment to these two grandchildren, because their lives are not what I believe they should and could be, and I would love to live with them for a year, so they could have stability and all that brings for a year. Yet, in the end, I said no, saying that regretfully, I was not strong enough, emotionally or physically to add them to our already full house- part of the decision was based on not having any bedrooms available. It would have meant the kids probably sleeping in my room with me, while Mom slept on the couch. I am very happy to say that she took the news very well, and says she understands completely, although she has no idea what they are going to do. Part of the problem is that her husband works out of their carport, which he has sort of enclosed. When they leave, they can't afford both a rental house and a workshop for him, and his work provides the only income they have. BTW, the property they plan to live on in central Fl is in the middle of a large area of uncleared acreage with no power lines, etc. so heaven only knows when, if ever, they will be able to start building their "container" home on it- I don't have the foggiest idea what a container home even is. Her husband is a wanna- be survivalist, with plans for them to "live off the grid".
Anyway, that's enough about me for now. Hope everyone is doing well. Problem with me stressing all weekend is that my lymphedema has flared. Back to sleeve and glove every day for a while.
Anne
0 -
ackk Anne! That certainly puts weekend visits from relatives in perspective! I think saying no was the right decision, FWIW....they needed a plan B and if they can't live with you they will have to develop it. After all, if her hubby works out of the home and is the only source of income: what will their income be when they are off the grid? Most workshops need power.. I hear you on wanting to be part of the kids (your grandkids) lives, and you should continue to be there for them...but you don't need them living with you to do that (I am sure you know that).
Is a container home a shipping container (like a train box car or one of those things you see on barges) turned into a home?
I am blessed that both of my adult children seem to be doing relatively well on their own (knock on wood, we all now how things can change in an instance)...but that doesn't stop me from worrying about them. My daughter works full time, is married, lives about four hours drive away, and has two kids who are the lights of my life (the grandkids are a girl, 7 and a boy 2). I don't see the grandkids nearly as often as I should or as I'd like. I plan to see them more this year. I hope you all encourage that!
My son is unmarried, no kids, though in a serious relationship with a girl I have mixed feelings about: she is smart and beautiful and a good person and I should love her, but well, I am not sure she is the best match for him. Then again, I wasn't that sure about DD's husband and they seem to be going strong after 8 years of marriage. are the spouses ever good enough, even when they are good? In any case, son lives on the East Coast where he is a PhD student, so I only see him two or three times a year. He will be out for a visit later this summer; definitely looking forward to that!
Hope you all have a great day.
0
