My mom died last week, so why do I feel this way?
My mom passed away on Friday, April 10th after a very long and courageous battle with breast cancer. She was originally diagnosed in December 2001 the week after my fifteenth birthday. She was treated with chemo, didn't even need radiation, and was in remission by February of the following year. Then we got the unfourtunate news in January 2007 that her cancer had returned, this time as stage IV, and it had returned in the lining of her heart. The last two years have been so frustrating because there isn't a determined way to treat this. It seemed like everytime things seemed somewhat positive and we had a little bit of hope that the treatment was going to work, it stopped working.
My mother, being the rock that she was never let us get too down about the situation. We always faced every sitatution with a positive attitude and faith that things would work out well. Even when we recieved the news that she wasn't going to beat this, she wouldn't let us feel sorry for her. She wanted to spend her last days at home with her family and friends, so we were able to set up hospice care in our home. The day she came home from the hospital, at her request, we even had a party with close friends and family.
She was home for exactly two weeks before she passed, but a lot went on during that time. In the beginning she was able to help with funeral arrangements, which we found out later just how helpful that was. I would make her favorite foods and we would sit down and have long talks. We talked about everything that we had on our minds about the past, present, and future. We talked about all the things she was going to miss in my life (my graduation from college next year, getting married, having kids, etc), but she assured me she would be there (in spirit) for all of those things. She encouraged me so much during those talks to keep my faith in God and to not be angry because of what happened to her. My mom loved her family and children more than anything. Towards the end she wouldn't speak all day and it was almost as if she was saving all of her energy just to be able to say "I love you" to each of us as we told her goodnight. In fact, the words she spoke with her last breaths to my dad, brother, and I were "are you going to be okay?" She couldn't leave until she knew we were going to be okay. I don't think there are adequate words to express just how amazing my mother was.
I really thought that after she passed I would be absolutely devasted. A few hours after I was able to process the fact that she had died, I actually felt a huge sense of relief. Not only relief for her, but for my dad, my brother, and myself. Near the end of her life, I was ready for her to go. I know it sounds ridiculous, but it is impossible to see someone who was so full of life not be able to walk, or eat, and bearly be able to speak. After the funeral I was able to speak with a lot of family and friends, and I actually found myself being the one to comfort them. They all seemed shocked that I was doing well, and many of them think that I'm trying to hide my feelings. I am extremely sad, and I think about my mom almost every minute of every day. I just choose to remember who she was during the first twenty years of my life, and not the way she suffered for the past two and it makes it easier. I'm know I'm going to miss my mother everyday for the rest of my life, but I'm finding it easier to go on with my life than I thought. I've read stories from other people who have posted on here especially those close to my age about how they can't stop crying and can't go on, and my heart breaks for them. I cry every now and then when something reminds me of her, or when I pass by a picture of her, but it isn't a constant depression. I am comforted by the fact that my dad, my brother, and I were all able to be with her when she passed away, and I don't know if this is what is helping me through this. I'm also grateful for the fact that we were able to discuss happy memories and get my mom's advice on things for my future. I feel like there was nothing left unsaid.
I know there is no right or wrong way to deal with grief, but I feel like something is wrong. I have continued on and I put a smile on my face. Those that don't know me, would have no idea what's going on in my mind and in my life. It's not that I'm doing this, and it is difficult for me, it just seems like a natural reaction for me. That's very much the way my mother was, so I think that's why I am this way. She taught me to be positive and try to find the good in every situation. However, I do take time for myself to be sad and grieve when I feel iI feel that I need it. I'm just really worried that I'm not really comprehending the situation, this is all going to hit me later on. I just lost my mother who was also my best friend, and I'm continuing my daily routine, and I feel a sense of guilt for that. Am I going to regret later that I and continued on normally? I don't know anyone who has ever experienced anything like this so I wanted to get the perspective of people who have been there. I was just wondering what experiences you all have had, and if you have any advice for me.