Missing My Mom
This is weird for me, I barely talk to my family or friends about stuff that is on my mind, but somehow decided that maybe finding a site where people are going through the same thing might be more comforting.
I am a 21 senior in college hopefully going to graduate in May. On February 3, 2011 I lost my mom (and only true friend I have ever had) to what was called complications from breast cancer. She had been diagnosed with Breast Cancer in December 2010 and had gone through various surgeries, chemotherapy treatments, and then radiation which ended sometime in Novemeber or December of this year.
When I was home for Thanksgiving break this year my mom had developed a cough, which may or may not have been connected to the radiation treatments. She was persistant to say it was just a tickle or the beginnings of a cold and that it would go away. However it made her miserable she was coughing so much that throughout the night she would sleep on the couch so she was not disturbing my father and would cough to the point of gagging. I had gone back to school to finish up the rest of the fall semester and thinking that my mom was getting over her "cold", when I returned for winter break she was still coughing on and off. But she always knew how to keep her spirits up and always did a good job to not let any of her family or friends worry about her. We ended up having a pretty good Christmas which I am very thankful for and I'm sad that I didn't end up staying home to spend new year's with her. As it got closer to the end of January things began to go downhill.
After new year's my mom returned to work. She was a special education assistant and loved helping the kids and teachers with math, writing, and reading. As she returned to work she began to get exhausted very easily. She would come home and lay down which was never like her. After a couple weeks she didn't seem to be getting any better. There were times when she left school early because she didn't have enough energy to make it up the ramps at the high school or through the halls. Finally she decided to go in to get checked out by her chemo doctor. She told them that she was very short of breath and energy and could not regain either unless she was sitting for an extended period of time. The doctor checked her vitals and said she seemed fine. However, if you knew my mom she was not fine if she willingly went to the doctor. So she told them if she was up moving they probably would not be fine. So they had her walk around the office and sure enough things didn't look good so they sent her to the pulmonary doctor. He wanted to send her to the hospital immediately but she refused because she would rather be stuck in her own bed than a hospital bed. So they sent her home with a nebulizer hoping that the problem was related to bronchitis or something similar. And that she would have to come in after the weekend was over to see if things were better and if he still wanted her in the hospital. She made things seem better and kept her spirits up and when she went in that monday he said that she did not have to go into the hospital.
That Thursday I was supposed to be returning to college for my last semester. My mom was in bed the whole week and using the nebulizer she kept saying that she was ok and that I shouldn't be worried. And wanted me to get back to school and in the swing of things there. For some reason I did not want to leave and kept trying to make myself stay through the weekend but she wouldn't let me. By Saturday she was in the hospital. For a week they tested and retested and could not figure out what was wrong with her lungs. And could not do a PET scan for another week. Finally they did the Pet Scan and found that the cnacer had, in my mom's words, "splattered everywhere". It was in her lungs, liver, breast, lymph nodes, and possibly bones. And still she texted me to say not to worry just because it had turned into stage four doesn't mean she couldn't be curred. She made me feel like she would be around forever.
On February 2nd she texted me to say that the chemo doctor thought that if they injected chemo into one particular tumor in her lung that it would shrink enough to breath better and that they would try that tomorrow but never got to. And that she was exhausted and said goodnight for the night. That was the last time i got to talk to her. The next day my dad and brother called me to tell me that I needed to come home that my mom's blood pressure was decreasing and the doctors said anyone that needed to get there had to asap. I was three hours away and by time i got home and then to the hospital it was 7 at night and she was barely there.
I walked in hysterical. And she opened her eyes and said my name and then asked for a pillow so that i could lay next to her. She complained it was too hot and kicked us all out, while she did this the nurses gave her morphine to ease the pain. While in the hallway the nurse told me that I had gotten her too excited and that i needed to calm down because it was stressing her out and making things happen faster. So when I finally got in she was already basically gone and was pronounced dead at 7:30.
She was my best friend. The only person in our family that I felt comfortable talking to and just hanging out with. She was my only true friend. And now I feel so alone and a little at fault for not getting more time with her.
I have a hard time being normal especially when I am alone. There are many times lately that I would have called her to talk to her about school and life and things that were stressing me out. Now however I can't call her anymore and have no one that could replace the way she made me feel better. I keep thinking about all the stuff that I would want her there for over the next couple years, especially graduation in the next couple months, and that is the only times that her not being here feels real. I'm not ready to not have my mom in my life and she is the only person that I would have done anything to keep in my life atleast for a couple more years. I don't know how to cope with this or be ok without her.
Comments
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Lymy226,
I am very sorry for your loss. I read your post and was so moved to tears. I can tell how much your mom meant to you. I know that there are no words to say...I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
Hugs to you,
Tonya0 -
I am so, so sorry, sweetie. I am just in tears for you. I am 48 and have 4 daughters (my oldest is almost 21).
First of all, I'm sorry that the nurse called you out in the hallway like that. Very unprofessional and insensitive! When my grandmother was dying of cancer in 1980, the nurse told my mom that she couldn't have more pain meds "because she would get hooked on them," ...??!! Hooked? Mom demanded they give her mother more meds. When my dad died of cancer 6 yrs ago, I was also hysterical...called the hospice nurse to come quickly and she was very rude.
My prayers go out to you and your family. It will be hard. You will be sad, miss her, think about her, and then gradually you will smile and remember the good things, the fun things.
XOXOXO
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Lymy - I am so sorry you have lost your mom and best friend to this terrible disease. I wish I could reach out and give you a hug. How proud of you she must have been to have such a wonderful daughter. And death does not end love. She is a part of you and always will be. Be gentle on yourself & allow yourself time to grieve and have faith she is near and watching over you. Just take one day at a time. You are just starting your life and one day soon you'll have your own family and everything your mom ever taught you will continue to bless your life. I don't know if your college has a counseling center but there are tons of support groups out there to help cope with loss - take advantage of them. It helps to talk, write in a journal, or come here whenever you want! It may not feel like it right now, but you can do this and you will be OK. God bless.
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Lymy,
I am very sorry for your loss. I read your post a few times and it brought me to tears. If this was in person I would give you a hug because words simply don't suffice.
I was very sick through chemo, but I tried to keep a strong facade like your mother did so that the people around me wouldn't worry and be more upset than they aready were. It sounds as if your mother became unpredictably worse very quickly. I'm sure that no one knew when she would pass, so please don't blame yourself or hurt yourself with the what-ifs.
She sounds as if she was a very loving, strong, caring person who fought very hard with this very cruel disease.
You've only just lost her and I know that you're in a lot of pain. She will be with you when you graduate and always. It will get better with time.
My condolences to you.
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Lymy,
I hope my experience will provide some solace to you during this difficult time. When I was 28, my Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. She and I were close. We talked all the time, and she guided my direction in life. She seemed to be fine after a course of chemo and a mastectomy. Then 7 years later, she was suddenly sick and diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer. It was everywhere from head to heart and in her bones. She died 3 weeks later. It was devastating. I was a young mother and needed my mother to provide guidance and teach me to be a good mom.
My husband tells me I was very sad for a long time, but as each day went by, I learned to follow and trust my own decisions. It was frightening to take the risk, but I knew in my heart that I had no choice but to learn to be independent and trust my own instincts. I would make my mistakes and learn from them.
During this time, one thing I found very very helpful was participating in a bereavement group for adult children who had lost their mothers. Through this weekly group, I met others who could relate to me and who experienced the same painful loss as me. We mourned together, and we grew together. I am sure your community has such a group - check with local hospitals, hospices, and community organizations.
It know it is hard to believe that you will wake up one morning and see the sun again, but it will happen, and as each day goes by, the sadness gets a bitty bit lighter. You will then concentrate on the beautiful memories you shared with your Mom and take them with you for the rest of your life.
Hugs to you,
Jo Ann
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Lymy,
My sincerest condolences. Unfortunately, I can relate. My mom first got diagnosed in 05, then it came back in 07 and she had weekly chemo from Sept. 21st 2007 - December 3rd, 2011. She was too weak to get treatment on 12/10 and was admitted to the hospital. Her vitals began to go haywire, a day later and to make sure that she went comfortably, was put on fluids, oxygen and morphine and left us on 12/15/2010. I am 29 years old, so for the better part of my 20s, I have seen almost every possible side-effect from chemo, radiation, surgeries, the ups and downs and being an only child, I felt and still feel that no one can relate to me. I have been checking this site for years and never posted, as nothing really touched me. Your story hit home in many ways and I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone...try to stay strong, its hard, its 3:40AM on a Wednesday and I'm thinking of her, hence I came onto the site...time heals things, but we can't force time, try to remember the good times, the memories, and remember that she lives on through you, so every good deed you do, every life you touch, she is with you...take care and I'm so sorry...
Aabir
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I'm 24 and I also lost my mom to breast cancer when I was 5 years old. I don't remember her or what happened at all. I'm so sorry to read about what happened to your mom and what you went through. I recently found out this summer that my mom was misdiagnosed with mastitis from breastfeeding me, and long story short, her doctor altered her medical records to claim she never mentioned the lump at her first visit at all. There was a huge drawn out lawsuit, and just a horrible horrible mess. I can't even look at pictures of her anymore without seeing with this doctor did to her, to me, to our family. I can't even imagine what you've gone through, but I just wanted to reply even if it's 5 months after your post because we're pretty close in age and wanted to tell you how sorry I am.
Meghan
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I completely understand what you went through! I don't know if you even check this post anymore, but I can completely relate. My mom was diagnosed in March 2011, and she just recently passed away. I am a junior in college and I used to call my mom almost every night just to catch up, and talk about my problems at school. I don't really know my dad and I don't have tons of friends, so my mom was my best friend. During this past christmas break, the oncologist told her that it was looking really good, and that he was going to move her to the pill form of the chemo instead of the IV one. Then the following day she started getting this "cold". Her voice was hoarse and she just kept getting weaker and weaker from the weak state she was already in. The saturday after xmas we took her in but her oncologist was out of the country for the holidays, so the best they could do was keep her in the hospital. However, they did find out that the cancer had spread all throughout her chest, and because of this she wasn't able to breath enough to get the carbon dioxide out of her body. That Friday, her body started failing and I can honestly say it was the worst day of my life. She recognized me for awhile, but later she got so confused she didn't know who anybody really was. I just remember that she had to gasp for every little bit of air, and watching her suffer was absolutley miserable! Now, I am back in college and it has been almost a month since she passed. I still have a hard time coping with all of it and wondering what went wrong so fast? I also agree that when you are by yourself, it is harder to cope. I think that when i am alone the memories of that day keep flooding into my mind and it scares me, but sometimes i also think about the good times we had together that we can't do those things anymore. Just calling her from school was one of the best memories that i had... it always comforted me when i was having a bad day, or even a good one. My aunts tell me that I can call them whenever I want to but it just isn't the same. Nothing seems to be the same anymore. If you, or anybody else sees this message, could you give me any advice as to how you were able to cope with all of this?
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Zippy and Lymy,
I don't know if either of you are checking this post any longer, but here's in hopes that you are.
I am the mom. I have four daughters all counting on me. The youngest is 17, and we are very close. She is the first to say we are best friends. The older ones have their own lives, but live near by. None are married yet, and I often think that if this disease gets the better of me before they get married, it will take some of the shine off their special day. I hope that doesn't happen. However, what I want most to say to you is that your mom is right there beside you. If you need to talk to her, talk. Believe me, she wants to hear your voice, listen to your day, and be there for you to lean on, and she is. Just because death has put a barrier up between you, doesn't mean she isn't on the other side of it, watching, listening, and strengthening you. I have been extremely close to each of my daughters, and I am writing journals for them, just in case. However, I am busy with a lot of different things and probably won't get everything down on paper that I intend to. The one thing I want them to be sure of is that I will always stay close to them until we are together again. I want them to live, to love, to do the things I have been lucky enough to do--and your mom wants that for you to, trust me on this.
Love and peace,
Ramona0 -
lymy226 and zippy
I am very sad for your loss. I just lost my mom in December. It was stage 4 metastatic breast. . And it all happened so fast. There was no time to get things right. My mom was my best friend also. .. but recently we had struggled with our relationship. She lived with me for 8 years and that strained our relationship. One thing i can say is that you KNOW your mom loved you as much as you loved her. Time will not make it easier. .i don't think. . Truly i don't think the loss of our mom ever heals. .they are who gave us life and life without them seems so foreign. I understand. I also understand the family dynamics where you can't connect. . It is very important to find that one person who will connect with you the way your mom did. .. difficult i know she was everything to you. That will be a comfort for you one day. If you want to talk. .. ever ..please feel free to call me. I have a 21 year old son. .and i cannot imagine if he were feeling so alone if i was not here to talk to share good and bad. .just to lean on.
I second Everything Ramona said. She is absolutely correct and said it perfectly.
I also believe that you need to reach out for ANY resource at your college for counseling and support. There is a statewide program called griefshare, also. Perhaps a woman professor, or even take a psychology class that deals with the aspects of dying and loss.. ask a guidance counselor for recommendations. . It could help processing the loss in the midst of what should be one of the most exciting times in your life. . It's important to remember that, as i have no doubt your mother's would want you to feel the joy of your college years.
Mamachickie
My number is 4433863621. Kimberly
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Oh my gosh..I am literally in tears right now and can't stop them from coming. I thought I was the only one who logged into this forum for support or encouragement. It is my mother that was diagnosed with IBC Stage 4 with mets to lungs and liver. She was diagnosed about 7 months ago and I swear this all seemed like it happened over night. The first couple of months I stayed in denial and for some weird reason I pushed away from her some, I don't know why I just think it was hard to see her bald head or hard to see her act like everything was okay when I knew it wasn't. All I wanted to do was cry so i spent all my energy in focusing on keeping myself together around her and in return she would just do the same thing around me. Why couldn't we both just really talk about what was really going on? My mother is by best friend, my life. I do not know what I will do without her. I am 34 years old with kids of my own. My morning on my way to work starts with a phone call and then again another call on my lunch break . And yes again on my way home. She is my run the streets with me on the weekend, goes to every single baseball game or dance competition or school events for every one of her grandchildren, She is the most perfect mother and grandmother and I still can't make sense of this is all happening to her. i know I am grown but I still very much need my mother. I guess just this last week it is all sinking in and I am getting out of my denial and angry phase. It could be that she seems to be doing the worst this week ever (although her little quote she keeps saying now, "Chemo is a walk in the park" we all know she is scared to tell us the truth but she doesn't have to say anything. Her poor little body and worried scared face is still saying it all even under her little happy smile. She goes to church at least twice a day but she isn't praying for a miracle, she is praying for us. I know i am just rambling on and probably not making much sense. And i know that no matter how old you are whether 34 or 78 you are never ready to lose your mother. I just need her a little longer because I really can't see how I can go on with my life with out her. How am i going to be strong for my own kids?? Everyone keeps telling me that I am very strong but Im not..Maybe Im like my mom with the fake smile covering my worried and scared face acting like everything is a walk in the park?!?!0
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Bless your heart. I can't imagine how hard it is for you to watch your Mom suffer. The only way I know to help your Mom is just be there for her. You sound like a loving and devoted daughter. Your mom is blessed to have you.
You are so young to be going through this. My mom died 10 years ago but not from BC. I still miss her. I called her every day and tried to visit she and my dad at least once a week. I had a FT job and a young child, a husband and 3 stepchildren
You are right it doesn't matter how old you are your mother is your mother forever.
Keep praying for your Mom and keep the faith. You really are stronger than you think.
Diane
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Missing my mom
I just started $1000 Scholarship program to honor my mother who has died because of Breast Cancer.
My mother, Julie always taught us fighting impossibilities. She went from high-school teacher to stay-at-home mother. From opening a law school at 50 and joining a practice. I still remember the day when I was in 10th grade.
One day, on arriving home from my daily carpool, saw both of my parents talking about something. My sister told me about a lump in mother's breast and that it was cancerous. It felt like someone has hit me with a bomb. Although this cancer had been diagnosed but unfortunately a lot of time had already been wasted and consequently, nothing helped at the end.
That night I remember ending up in my parent's bed, crying into my mother's arms. A scene that would be frequented far too many times over the next years.
The thing that we didn't realize at that time was the seriousness of her situation. In reality, my mother had diagnosed with stage 4-breast cancer, and because of this stark reality, she was due to have a double mastectomy and 6 rounds of chemotherapy and we didn't have much time left with us for her treatment. However, no matter how bad the news was, she always made us feel that she had it under control.
She died after 1 year of her diagnosis. We didn't get her into a hospice, as she died under less than a week after she was admitted to the hospital, in a dark, depressing room. This Tragedy left me with no clue but to help those who are being affected by this deadly disease (breast cancer) and now here, I'm. Playing my part with my scholarship program on homekitchenary.com to create awareness about breast cancer
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I am so sorry for your loss.
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sending thoughts for you special young lady. She's watching over every move you make. You have a beautiful personal angel now. Reach for the sky. I am broken hearted for your loss my dear. I have stage four and I have a beautiful daughter. I worry for the things I won't be there for as well. May you find your special prince and Or friends in life that will help you heal and move on one day at a time. All good thoughts and vibes possible to you! ~M~
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