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losing the most important person in ur life

ally27 Member Posts: 2
edited June 2014 in May Their Memory Live On

I recently loss my mum to breast cancer. I am absolutely devastated and part of me doesnt no how to go on without her. My mum was someone who was so strong funny and kind and had so much warmth and love for life about her it still seems surreal that she is gone. If feels like she didnt get any chance, It was only last jan 2010 she was diagnosed with breast cancer. she had mastectomy and chemo after. Her oncologist said she wouldnt need a scan for 6 months after her chemo- that is was a 'mild' cancer.. but this january five months after chemo mum became really unwell, her gp thought it was just her asthma playin up and mum didnt want to make a fuss.. she then got worse and they admitted her into hospital where she was found to have lots of fluid on her lungs, tests and more tests and breast cancer was found to have gone to the pleura around the lungs. we were all devastated but mum went ahead with aggressive chemo, we noticed after about 2 weeks she was getting very weak on her feet and had a vague stare. We mentioned it to her oncologist but he said that was down to her painkillers. three weeks after that mum had three seizures while still in hospital and we feared the worse it had gone to her brain though even then her oncologist said it was aspergillosis a serious fungus infection in her brain from the chemo,,apparently thats what it looked like on mri however she wasnt gettin any better with anti fungal meds so he went back on his word and gave her some radiation .. unfortunately by that stage mum had deterioated so quick.. it was the steroids that helped her for a while. The saddest thing is she never gave up hope rite till the end she was amazing, only 2 days before she died she wanted us to take her out of her bed and wheel her around the hospital in her chair for a shortwhile which we did and it was lovely. I feel soo sad that she didnt get much of a chance from her breast cancer. She was so excited about this year. recovering form her breast cancer and arrival of her first grandson, I am in bits as all of us are . I just hope she is in a better place and one day I will see her again x


  • chrissyb
    chrissyb Member Posts: 11,438
    edited June 2011

    Hi Ally, I'm so sorry to hear that your mum lost her fight to this truly is terrible.  Your mum sounds like a wonderful person and like all mums a person who did not give up when the chips were down.  Unfortunately, this disease is very unpredictable and does not always conform to what we or the medical proffession think it should.

    You miss her terribly right now and that is very normal.....beside the fact that she was your mum she was your anchor and is irreplacable.  Believe me when I say that as time goes by, the rawness of your hurt will fade but the memories will not.  Be gentle with yourself while you does get better. 

    Thank you for sharing her story.

    Love n hugs.  Chrissy

  • Unknown
    edited June 2011

    Oh Ally, your story makes me want to cry.  You are going to miss your mother for a long time, but take comfort in the fact that she truly is in a better place.  I know it is a moot point now, but did the onco finally admit it was breast cancer that had spread and not a fungal infection? If so and it was overlooked by him, I would talk to someone regarding this so he doesn't make the same mistake with other patients.  It will not bring your Mum back, but I had an oncologist in the beginning who allowed me to go to Stage lV while under her care and to this day, I am sorry I did not sue her because I had since heard of other cases she managed very poorly.  You sound like a wonderful daughter and I am sure you provided your mother with a lot of love and support.......and one day you will see her again, but hopefully a long long time off. 

  • badger
    badger Member Posts: 24,938
    edited June 2011

    {{ally27}} so sorry for your loss, my heart is breaking with you. 

  • thats-life-
    thats-life- Member Posts: 169
    edited June 2011

    ally,sometimes treatment and the treatment teams and waiting for dx can be frustrating and worrying, in retrospect we often wonder .what if?..i hope you can find peace with how quickly this happened, i hope you are gentle on yourself, and remember that your mother did her best. please keep in touch...i have lost most of my family, and i clearly remember the hollow feelings and the shock, and as chrissy said, although its no consolation now, know that you will heal, the bad memories fade, the great ones remain. The most important thing i needed to hear when i lost those closest to me was that whatever i am feeling is normal and ok, and it is a journey through grief, and you will come out the other side of it...meanwhile, i am touched and so glad that you shared her strength and her story.

  • suebak
    suebak Member Posts: 31
    edited June 2011

    Ally, I am so sorry for your loss.  Losing someone that you love so very much is the most difficult experience in life.  I lost my father to cancer, several years ago. He was only 59, and I was such a Daddy's little girl.  At the time, I felt as if I was never going to be happy again.  I went through a bout of depression immediately after.  He was so special to me, and I to him.  It does get easier.  It takes some time, but it does get easier.  I will keep you in my prayers as well as your family. 

  • ally27
    ally27 Member Posts: 2
    edited June 2011

    Thanks everyone for all ur lovely msgs x

    and maryb -we'll never really know about the fungus, unfortunately mum wasnt well enuf for brain biopsy, the mri showed like a cystic lesion and because she acquired fungus infection after her first chemo this year in her chest , they treated it as if it had come back a second time to the brain following her 2nd chemo . then a week went wentby and she cudnt even get out of bed so he said there must have been brain mets too ..but yeh we are thinking of looking into it, I wish all of u the best,  and its comforting to listen to other people how they have got through their journey of grief with losing their loved ones xxx

  • apple
    apple Member Posts: 1,466
    edited June 2011

    I'm so sorry ally..

    I wish you godspeed in getting over the shock.. May the best of your mom remain with you

  • edwards750
    edwards750 Member Posts: 1,568
    edited June 2011

    I am so sorry for your loss Ally. I lost my mother too a few years ago and like you and your mum we were so close. She was my best friend too. The hurt and pain of losing her was overwhelming sometimes as I am sure it is with you but somehow you manage to get through the day and when you think of her you think of the fun and happy times you had with her. Time does help. Of course you will never forget it and right now you are probably still in the shock stage. You somehow go through the motions and then one day you just stop and think about what just happened and it opens the floodgates again. At least that is what happened to me. None of us know why God calls us home when he does. What we hope for is not a lot of pain and surrounded by loved ones. Reach out to family members, friends, clergy - whomever to help you get through this very difficult time. When I lost one of my brothers I remember my sister in law saying there is a big rush when it happens and then everyone disappears. Not saying you cant handle the grief because believe me you are stronger than you think but a support team is so important. We are all here to help you in any way we can. Most of us are mothers too. Praying for you and your family. diane

  • Leah_S
    Leah_S Member Posts: 1,929
    edited June 2011

    Ally, I am so sorry for your loss. May G-d send you comfort.


  • elimar
    elimar Member Posts: 5,882
    edited June 2011

    It does sound like her medical team could have been more vigilant but, unfortunately, a lot of medical conditions do mimic other conditions so I don't think it is possible for any one doctor, or team, to be right 100% of the time.  The diagnostics and scans are fallible and subject to human error too.  Added to that, everyone responds differently to chemo.  Regardless of all of the above, I am sorry she did not have a better outcome and that her time was cut short by this wicked disease.

    This may be obvious, but since your mom has only recently passed, it is very normal to feel a LOT of grief right now.  Let the grief and tears out, you don't want to keep them in.  For a while after my mom passed, (it was another cancer) I cried every day.  Then, what happened to me was I realized that she would not want me to be sad every day for the rest of my life.  She would not want me to cry every time I had a memory of her. So now, although I still have tears from time to time, I know I would not be honoring her properly if I lived a life of depression about it.  With that in mind, I forge ahead and try to focus on what will bring me the happy life she would have wanted for me.