Family Is Very Disappointing
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Hey there:
On my first BC dx 14 years ago, my family was not there for me and it shocked me. No one called to see how I was, no one offered support. I was really upset about it for years after my dx because I always thought our family would pull together for each other.
On my second BC dx this time, I didn't expect support and it was alot easier. My family and I are somewhat estranged now after the first time and I have made new friends who are there for me now. Sometimes I feel sorry for myself thinking about other people who have family support them, but on the other hand, I am now able to offer support to those who don't have it because I know what it is like and this give me peace.
I have been told by oncology counsellors that some people cannot handle it well when a family member or close friend is dx with cancer and its because they fear losing the person. I guess this is supposed to give me some kind of compassion for them. But honestly, I don't feel compassion for them. I moved on.
I do feel for you but you are stronger than you know and this too will pass.
Hugs
wallan
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Just seeing this! How are you?
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So sad to see that people don't have the support of their families. Sad but true, you can't change people and have to accept them for who they are. Family should always be there for you, especially in times like these! I am very thankful that I have a big family and a lot of support (my Mom being the biggest supporter always!) but even with that I also see the true colors of some.
I hope you have found the support you needed and deserve. As I hope everyone on here does!
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Thank you LIVE LOVE and LAUGH!
The last two years of trying to drive to take care of my mom was so hard and lots and lots of anger/yelling/ talking about me to other family members/
Mom passed away on July 18, 2019, broke my foot on Nov., 24th, 2019 and my house flooded Christmas night so a bit in lalaland now. I can now walk with a limp but can drive and my home has gone under repair and turned out well.
Not much speaking to each other in family right now. So disappointing.
20/20 will get better and praying for a vaccine asap.
Thank you for your kind response0 -
For me I kept the whole journey to myself except bro who is my executor of estate and advanced directive. My fam are too anxieties and stress that they'd drive me nuts with are you ok forever..plus mom is dr oz and phil. Mentally so much better that no one knows. Bro is the only sane cool laid back one.
I agree though that some can't deal with bad health news for a loved one. When I was hospitalized for anxiety, dad never called. When released he did and explained that was his way to cope. I wasn't upset. I sure didn't want him to mentally suffer, it'd make it worse for me too.
Now he has primary lateral sclerosis. At 81 health wise he's very healthy, 0 conditions. Mind is fine, just normal aging. This disease is very slow disabling you as nerves to voluntary muscles die. No one knows cause. No tx let alone cure. I force myself to talk when he calls. I don't say much, what can I say other than love you. I pop another anxiety pill afterwards. It kills me to hear how it gets worse. On top of anxiety issues I'm very sensitive. Love my dad a ton. Thankfully he knows that my not talking every day is because of my mental ways. Bro is down there and goes every weekend to help so caregiver is there just tues thru fri. I live 500 mi away. Even if I was close I'd lose my mind seeing him like that.
So it is true. Many people can't handle bad health news. I can't with my dad so I determine when I can verbally say hi. I do send loving cards on occasions. We are not all the same. The most stressful thing is to have expectations. So expect nothing from anyone to keep your mental sanity.
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Thank you for your reply and such a good idea to keep it to yourself Artista. In '97 and '98 I went through this, treatment, for a year and with each treatment my family would come from about 400 miles and spend three days with me after chemo and in between radiation. It was hard on them but being single I had to have the help. They were very good to me but I saw the anxiety and worry and wish I could have done it your way. Are you married or single?
I understand the pain of seeing a parent grow old. I saw my mom in Feb and in April of last year and then didn't go back for a while. It's extremely hard for me to stay awake when driving and so a 5 1/2 drive was too much. Sisters, family didn't get why I spent the night halfway but I paid for it all. It was really nice to leave in the afternoon and drive the rest of the way the next day. I didn't get to see mom before she passed and so I am not highly thought of right now.. Before the funeral my sister said, "Well, you'll never have to make that drive again." Have always had severe fatigue issues but it's an invisible illness.
I am so sorry about your dad and he's so blessed to have a daughter who calls often and chats, even if it's just a few minutes. Mom and I talked just about every morning while having coffee and almost every night. She was 93 and with chronic fatigue syndrome and my health history, I became not as helpful while with her and she understood....... She passed July 18th. Think I shared.
Absolute best advice ever. Do not expect and I'll never be disappointed.
Thinking of you and praying your circumstances go as smoothly as possible.
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I never replied to you Kira for your kind advice a good while ago. Since then my mom passed in July of last year. I did not get there in time to see her before she passed AND had not seen her since April so you can imagine the guilt I feel. I have a very hard time staying awake and driving long distances. I saw her in Feb and in Apr and was going to be with her around July 12th AFTER sister left. Not good with all of us there at the same time. Anyway, mom's BP began dropping and I was packing and got a call that she'd had a massive stroke while having hot tea with my older sister. It was very quick BUT they couldn't find her DNR so they revived her and she lived a day and a half. Between upset and not sleeping I didn't get there in time. I appreciate your kind words. How are you now?
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Wallan,
I appreciate your reply. Yes, I've made some friends who are survivors and it greatly helps. For some reason, maybe you'll 'get it' or someone else will, I've let go of some of my old friends that I really didn't enjoy getting together with any more. It's amazing how cancer will change you. One was extremely controlling and another, well, a difficult situation. I feel a lot of guilt but have to go where my gut and heart tell me.
How are you doing?
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I'm single, scar. Thank you for your kind words. Sorry about your mom. There's never an ok time for a loved one to pass. I just pray it's quick and painless.
I prepared for everything before hand. It was a drugstore and grocery store in here. I live like 5 min from the hospital and they have a free program called drivers for survivors so they were my ride. In grand total I've had 7 surgeries in a 3.5 year time frame. 3 weren't related to breasts. Was admitted several times for infections and 1 x pneumonia with partial collapsed lungs. Fam knows 0 except bro. It helps that immediate fam isn't near me.
And yeah, no one gets my fatigue. I never got my mojo back after txs and Tamoxifen kills energy. Even if fam knows about bc, I should be ok this far out. They know about my anxiety and they just think it's garden variety like theirs. It's frustrating and tiresome. They'll never understand so I don't talk about my stuff. Everything is fine. If they were great support people that's one thing, buy they think they are just because they show concern. Well then don't question why this and that, and you should be x. Peace of mind, mental peace, is just as important as physical health. I've handled all my health stuff by myself. I'll ask my kind pet groomer for help if I need anything.
It empowers you too when you see you can do it fine without fam support. People are surprised. But I don't have a fam with the personality that would benefit me, and that's fine. It is what it is. Everyone needs to survive life the best we can.
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Not sure how I missed your kind reply!
It sounds like you've been through a lot! There's no one like a dog groomer for support!
My sister just visited and we had a 4 minute chat and she told me she regretted how she'd talked to me over the years and........ with mom
gone, it's just a totally different spectrum in our lives. She talked about 2 minutes and then an outburst, "I get sick of talking about cancer!!"
We never do is the thing. NOW when family is together and I'm too tired to go, this is only time mentioned and this is about fatigue. So the 'c' word is not brought up.
SO tired of walking on eggshells and over the holiday season I am not traveling. Have drive every year since 17 and only missed one. NOT doing it this year. Staying home and taking care of ME.
Love,
Linda
Pls reply.
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