My health destroyed my family
Hi there,
I’m new to this forum, and generally reaching out for help on a number of topics. I’m 1.5 years in remission, diagnosed in January of 2018 and finished treatment in May of 2018 with 10 years of Tamoxifen in my future (I’m 37). I have a high stress job (lawyer) and was threatened with a pay cut after I took TWO WEEKS off for my bilateral mastectomy. I still had my JP tubes in when I went back to work, and was told that my lack of rest probably contributed to a delayed and complicated recovery. I went back to work and did everything I could think of to take care of myself. I was working out non-stop, and taking a lot of “me time” after I finished treatment. My husband and I started fighting more than normal, and I felt like we were growing apart. It only took a few months of that for my marriage to totally fall apart. Three months after I finished treatment, we separated. Three months after that, we sold our home and moved into separate apartments. My family turned against my husband, and my husband against my family. They all feel like “the other” is not doing enough to support/love/care for me. But what has resulted is that the people closest to me have been so preoccupied with fighting that they have not noticed they are ALL making things worse for me. My husband and I are working on it, but there is still a rift between him and my family. None of them talk. Moreover, none of them realize how much I need them - I’ve developed a lot of complications after treatment and am not tolerating Tamoxifen well at all. They all assume that since I look ok on the outside, that I must be ok on the inside, when I am not.
All of this is to say that I feel like BC destroyed my life. I know that is probably an inflated view, but it is how I am feeling and it is making it difficult to feel grateful for recovery.
Did anyone else have family problems after BC?
Thanks for any advice.
YogaJunkie
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I am so sorry, what a wretched turn of events for you. My path hasn't been the same as yours so no real advice, only a lot of empathy (and a virtual glass of wine if you drink).
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YogaJunkie - I am so sorry for what you are going through with your family. My family doesn't like my husband and his family doesn't like me so I simply didn't tell any of them (except for my eldest sister) about my cancer. The stress that it causes is awful and I truly feel for you. We don't have any support from our families but we also don't have any fighting about the situation so like most things it has its good and bad sides. Try repeating part of the Serenity Pray "courage to change the things I can, the serenity to accept the things I cannot change and the wisdom to know the difference." it is quite a mantra. Best of luck.
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YogaJunkie:
I'm very sorry to hear about your situation. Mine was different but I did have a difficult time with the Tamoxifen at first in that it made me depressed and quick to upset. I felt like things just weren't going my way and people were giving me a hard time every day.
But...
I reminded myself that everyone in the world did not suddenly become jerks, things weren't as difficult as they seemed, and my perception of situations was being altered by the Tamoxifen.
I realized that I needed to give myself some space from the world until my endocrine system recalibrated and those side effects passed. So I stayed away from situations that were upsetting me or let things that irked me slide. No, I did not have to get in to it with the person who didn't say "excuse me" on the bus or take issue with a friend's tone. Those were arguments that did not have to happen so I disengaged and didn't let them happen and let things blow over instead. I admit I had a few good cries in private though.
I think if I were in your position I would let your family and husband sort their issues with each other out themselves. They are adults and you need your energy so your body can heal.
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Totally agree with WC. I let the families do their own thing and let comments slide (you really should meet my mother in law). I have no expectations of them because I have to look after me. Just like you need to look after you. My nana used to say patience is a virtue, virtue is a grace and every little virtue makes a pretty face. So every time you just let things go think about how gorgeous you will be.
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I agree with WC too. She nailed it. Concentrate on yourself and let the chips fall where they may. I know it’s family but it’s still their problem. You have enough on your plate.
Diane
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YogaJunkie,
I can empathize over feeling like it destroyed your family. My girls were only 7 and 9, and although I have stayed with their dad, ( he was an unsupportive jerk) it wreaked my faith in him as my partner and friend.
I now know that when the chips are down he will bail, and I can never really count on him. I have found that concentrating on the people and things that bring me joy is all I can do to hold the wolf from the door.
I have a zero tolerance policy now for faithless friends and family. If someone isn't in my corner wholeheartedly, then I just cut off contact to minimize the damage they can do to my heart.
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You know my family sees me and they really believe I am totally cured. I look no different to them. I am torn on how I feel about that. I come to BCO to vent my fears. My husband kind of gives me a look when I say things like can you pick up that heavy object my arm bothers me. I have to remind him that the mastectomy, sentinel node biopsy and DIEP surgery left me a little impaired. It took a while for me to agree to go on long bike rides again. Also I haven't skied since. I worry a little bit about getting a hernia if I should fall.
I still swim, do the treadmill and do yoga. My plastic surgeon was really impressed I was doing yoga a month after DIEP, but you know it was doing toned down yoga.
I was 53 years old when diagnosed and had been married about 30 years so the situation is much different than yours. My children were high school and college aged. But my coworkers seemed to be the ones who distanced themselves from me. My boss pushed me into early retirement.
Sometimes I wish I kept my diagnosis private just family. People do look at you differently.
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Ah tamoxifen rage, such fun for the hubs and I too. Best of luck to you 🙂
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They do Meow like you have leprosy and it’s contagious. You do find out who your friends really are.
Diane
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Hi YogaJunkie:
I'm so sorry to hear about what you've gone through. I don't think family problems are at all uncommon after a breast cancer diagnosis.
My wife was diagnosed with Stage IIA breast cancer AND thyroid cancer in June 2019, and has gone through 2 surgeries, chemotherapy and now hormone therapy. She has been taking Tamoxifen and a host of other medications as she is Type II diabetic.
My wife's mother died of this cancer 13 years ago, and after my wife was diagnosed her sister stopped talking to her as it brought back painful memories.
We have 2 young daughters. At times, the level of tension in our house has been off the chart, especially during COVID-19 which makes everything worse.
I too am a practicing lawyer working from home during COVID so I never get a break. Some of my family questions whether she really is in so much pain because she often looks fine. Her family thinks I am not doing enough to help.
I have drawn on my Christian faith during this time and we are still together. But sometimes she has been very mean to me and although we have made up its sometimes hard to forget what was said.
I have not always been up to the task of caring for her enough. I tend to bury myself in work because I'm the breadwinner thinking that's how I can contribute. My wife wants me to push back at work and spend more time with her.
Just want you to know you are not alone.
Going through a scare now as my wife will be going in for more tests. They found a nodule in her lung. Hope its not starting over again.
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Vidal,
Yoga junkie has not signed on to bco for more than two years and this thread has been inactive for over two years as well. Take care
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Vidal, you might try looking the Caring for Someone with Breast Cancer Forum (under Community Connections on the All Topics page) You're more likely to find someone who is going or has gone through what you're experiencing.
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Hey Vidal,
I hope you are getting some kind of therapeutic support - therapy, support group, social worker, etc, just for you.
Here is a study that was very validating for me: https://presse.inserm.fr/en/hormone-therapy-has-a-...
Excerpt: Analysis of the CANTO cohort published in the journal Annals of Oncology will upset received wisdom on the effects that hormone therapy and chemotherapy have on the quality of life in women with breast cancer. Contrary to the commonly held view, 2 years after diagnosis, hormone therapy, a highly effective breast cancer treatment worsens quality of life to a greater extent and for a longer time...
It might be meaningful for your wife, yourself, and directly or indirectly for your family.
I would also say that many women have found alleviation from the side effects of tamoxifen by changing brands, changing timing of doses or doses, or changing drugs to an alternative SERM like toremifene or to OS/AI. If this is something your wife is interested in, she can find a lot of our experiences throughout the boards.
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Thanks for the link, Salamandra. While I didn't do chemo, am certainly feeling the effects of three years in on the anti-hormonals. Its a love/hate relationship ha
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Thanks. I saw that, but only after I posted.
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Thank you Salamandra.
I will take a look at this study.
I have not got therapy yet, but may consider it. The cancer experience for a caregiver is far harder than I ever imagined it would be when we started this journey more than 2 years ago.
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Thanks for sharing! Let me take a look at this study!
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