Spiraling and irrational- other types of cancer
I’m seeing a counselor, but put in a call to be seen by a cancer psych. I had endometrial thickening before BC dx, but was swept into the BC current before I could do anything about it. Now on Tamoxifen it seems very important to get that figured out. I arrived at the medical building where my new gyno is, and knew I had been in there for bc imaging. I felt sick and started crying. I really can’t even remember what I had done there! Pulled up my boots, went inside and cried a couple more minutes. The prospect of endometrial or uterine cancer hit me hard. I planned to get surgery to make all the monitoring easier, but I told the dr I wanted the bare minimum because I’m not ready for more surgery. I'm still dealing with mx issues, and now I get to sign up for another surgery? I don’t want to have organs removed, change meds, go through recovery. I don’t even want to schedule my diep flap revision. I don’t want to physically be reminded of cancer. I don’t want to think about investigating other cancer. I don’t want to make any decisions about it. All I want to do is skip all appts, imaging, follow ups, just take the tamoxifen and call them if I get another lump.
I’m tired of non bc people asking how I’m doing. Do they want to know if my wound is healed up? Yes, some do. I can’t really blame them because I had no clue what to do or say before bc, and I really still don’t. I’m glad certain people are making my life a little easier, but at the same time, I’m sick of people treating me like I’m fragile. Obviously I am, or I wouldn’t be posting this. My husband made a passing comment a couple days ago about him outliving me. He said we always assumed I would be his caretaker but now it’s more likely he will be mine. I was hurt and angry. It made me feel like he’s being nice in a phony way to someone with cancer. There’s a polite positivity going on, which I guess I should be thankful for, but it just reminds me of cancer. I was hotly determined to show him who’ll live longest until I remembered I probably can’t out sass cancer, and there may be nothing I could do to prevent recurrence.
I was doing really well, and now I just want to lay down in a bar ditch under some leaves and hide until the gyno stuff blows over and people forget. This feels self indulgent because of my easy dx and outcome. I guess the fact that the bc cells had an escape route is my hidden fear. And surgery and imaging take me right back to how scared I was before mx. Thanks for letting me over share. I hope it helps another person feeling irrational, ridiculous and ungrateful to know they aren’t alone.