Just really sad
I am mourning today I think. Had my first chemo session a little over three weeks ago and it went fine. The day before my second I started the routine again of taking my steroids with a fasting bar and then continuing to fast through the day. Five and a half hours after taking my steroid I suddenly developed stroke like symptoms severe enough for my oldest child to call 911. Her last words to me were a desperate hug and a please don't die then I was loaded up in the ambulance. There they did scans and tests, my first ones by the way since I'm considered early stage, so I was especially a wreak. Found a small white lesion on my brain on the CT scan that night and we had to wait until the next morning to clear it. It was cleared but everyone here I'm sure knew what I was fearing and how that fear felt. Anyway, all my tests came back fine. No stroke happened, no stroke is about to happen, and I have no cancer in my brain. White lesion was a common incremental finding. They think I had a severe reaction to my steroid dose so my oncologist cut it down by half and rescheduled me for chemo on Monday. Will probably end up rescheduling again since that doesn't give me enough time to recover before a planned week vacation we desperately need and the first question since my oncologist is off and I can't reach her is if anyone knows whether a delay should be an issue with chemo being given as what I've been told is termed as "mop up"? Secondly, this isn't a question but more a muse. I'm just really sad and depressed today. Despite cold capping, most of my hair is gone and I hate what I see in the mirror. Physically I feel fine and I know I'm lucky but mentally I'm just struggling with the deep down to the bone knowledge that nothing about this journey is ever going to be predictable. Or even end. Not really. I could be doing perfectly well and then suddenly not be able to move my arm for instance. I could do everything to prepare to come out of something relatively unscathed and could still lose my hair. Life as I knew it is over for me. I guess it's always been like that maybe and I just didn't know it. But knowing it, really knowing it, is very hard today. Thanks for listening.