Exchange City

I think that having reconstruction may post-pone our grief for the loss of our breasts.  We're busy fighting for our lives, we have high expectations for the reconstruction.  Many of us have immediate reconstruction.  We have our breasts removed and then TE's immediately placed with at least a little saline put in ... and we're looking forward ... forward to the fills, forward to the exchange.  And when it's finally over ... I think for the first time since our diagnosis we come to terms with our loss.  We've lost our breasts.  We'll never be the same again.  And I think that reality hits us hard after the exchange because we've been pushing, pushing, pushing through all the treatment and all the reconstruction and then ... it's over.  We're left to deal with the aftermath.  Somewhere ... maybe it was on foobville ... during the holidays we talked about post-traumatic stress disorder.  I think for many of us ... after we've gone through all of this ... PTSD ... hits us hard.  "What have I done?"  And all the emotions that go with that.  We need to allow ourselves time to grieve.  For myself ... I wasn't able to do that until it was all over ... and the reality had sunk in. 

I'm extremely grateful for what they can do and that I can have reconstructed breasts.  But they will never replace the natural.  It's OK to grieve that ... we just can't get stuck there.  xo

Thanks so much, Lilah. Some places (Beth Israel in NY, for one) try to accomplish the whole thing in one procedure. Others plan on more or less tweaking at a revision type of surgery. NOLA is known for offering lots of lipo body contouring at the second surgery if you want it. At the least, there is a second procedure for nipples, but like with implants, that can be outpatient. I am really scurrying around trying to get ready, not knowing how long I'll be out of commission for, and can only focus on next week! My son sent me, today, beautiful and delicious (I couldnt wait for Mothers Day) hand-painted chocolate truffles. I have been eating them guiltlessly knowing that the fat that ensues is soon to be re-purposed! 

LOL love it Jerusha -- enjoy!  I sent my mom an assortment of chocolate covered strawberries.  Thought she'd enjoy that for a change (usually I send flowers).

How sick you have to be in order for a cancellation is up to the PS.  I don't believe they do surgery with a temperature.  I had a mild cold and called that in and that was ok as long as my lungs were not congested.

I believe you should at least take a week off.  Being under anethesthisia and having the surgery will take a bit to gain your energy levels back and you will have pain for a couple of days.  Ask your PS his recommendation.

Terri

i am still getting aquainted with the new me....somedays I like 'em other days not so much. It helps for me to look at myself naked but not to the point where I obsess over the lack of perfection which is of course, simply does not exist. Hell, I do that even when looking at my face or any other thing on myself-not just my boobs- I start picking apart what I don't like and well, you know how that goes.

Does that means one settles for obvious shoddy results? naw. I was fortunate enough to stumble upon a duo of BS and PS who work together with the PS specializing in reconstruction. Not just for BC but other PS botch jobs. But again, it was merely luck for at that point I was shell-shocked and had no frigging idea what was going on. Truthfully- breasts were the last thing on my mind. I had instantly annouced I wanted a BMX but was more scared about dying than anything else.

I remember the first visit to the PS- it was all so foreign to me. I saw these healthy vibrant women so happy and friendly with him and his staff and I thought- well, that's nice- I would be damn perky too if I did not have BREAST CANCER. Then I found out they were BC patients. So, that gave me a little bit of hope. The PS said right from the start- if you trust me and do exactly as I say I will do my very best to get you to the place where you have the best possible result. It is hard for me to listen sometimes and I like to steer the ship- but I have found it to be true. i was furious at wearing my bra for now going on EIGHT weeks with no serious upper arm movements. He keeps pointing out healing to me-to not be in a rush now and land up with better long term results. I have to say, he has been right so far. I did get in his face once over something that was just a result of my own fears and he reiterated that he truly did know best in this case. What was odd was that I had talked to a woman in waiting room and she was almost two years out from surgery and finally wrapping it up after lots of problems. She ended our conversation with "He is brilliant, listen to him". When I went in for my appointment the PS did not say her name but in context it was who he was talking about when he said please listen to what I tell you or you will be in a mess like others who think they know best-that there was patient he was finally going to be able to release who had delayed her own recovery by trying to be "right".  I got it. This does not mean that I did not feel free to ask questions and raise concerns to which he always responds. We have settled on his knowing I am going to always say at our appointments "Are these your very best?..." When I brought in my zipfront Danskin from walmart for 10 bucks he was thrilled on how it worked and said he would reccomend it to others. I guess what I am saying it is important to have a balance of questions and ideas-if I could not talk to him on a personal level I think (no, I know) I would have been forced to go elsewhere after the fact. It hits me that perhaps the best PS would be one who sees both typical plastic surgery clients as well as having a speciality in reconstruction. From an asthetic standpoint. He wants me to live and be healthy (always talking about foods, how to take the least amount of drugs in every case, etc) yet he is all about achieving the best asthetic result as well. I came to realize that so much of our asthetic result is truly dictated by our own bodies-there is simply a point where there is no more "repair".

Ulitmately, it meant taking it all into consideration and judging the outcome against what caused me to this in the first place-BC. I am thrilled that clothes look good and that we live in a place and time where reconstruction is possible.

Do I want the "best boobs"? Of course I do. And I am hoping to get to a place where I have the "best boobs" in this set of circumstances. My husband and I are the really the only two who see my boobs - well, except for the pictures I post on pic forum and showing friends in the bathroom! Once I am pleased and hubby is (although he has been from the start-it helps when he shakes his head and says that is just a fricking miracle) then everyone else's thoughts on my boobs do not really matter. They are part of who I am now and I wear them proudly. I tell people they are NOT fake-that the fact is that I have been growing them since November 18, 2010. Fastest puberty of all time. Except the first time around I did not get to pick out the size and eventual location of my nipples. I am trying to lighten up and enjoy the process and it has helped enormously. I understand why we get so frustrated and angry- we have been through so much damn fear and horrors that nobody without BC can really understand so it is almost expected that we frig out on this part of it.

I feel so bad for those who have met up with friggin butchers and am just amazed how so many of those "botched" jobs eventually get resolved to something that is beautiful once the right PS is found. I have seen cases where I thought-nothing will help and then bam, a few months later it is like magic has happened and I get so happy for those women. It is thanks to all the input from you that many find their way out of the dark. That is the coolest thing to watch someone go from despair to joy.

We are going to take some more pics of ourselves with clothes on and post on the pic forum since that is how 99% of the world sees us. The nude shots are important for the whole "journey" aspect but I am starting to see that a more realistic view would be how we look when clothed and how we feel about that. While I hate my drain scars and incisions (I mean really- who likes them?) I am tickled I can toss on a top and feel pretty damn good. That is far from the fears I had on early on that I would be doomed to a whatIcouldnotconceiveinmymind kind of chest. And remember, I CHOSE the BMX over a lumpectomy or even just the one that had BC. That decision was instant for me once I knew I needed a biopsy. Once I got back from the cliff (or further back from the edge) then i started thinking of how it would look once it was done. ACK! The only frame of reference I had on a personal level was an aunt who had lost all of her chest muscle etc and had a huge cumbersome prosthetic. She is gone now many years (not from BC- she survived only to be felled by West Nile-life surely is not fair) but I wish with what I know now I could give her an extra big hug to tell her how wonderfully brave she is and how much I love her. For she was beautiful and majestic to me even as a small freaked out little kid.

Good Sunday to all of you and thanks for letting me ramble....for all of you who are mothers-Happy Mothers Day- for all who are not- I am sure you are to many who you help along the way:) It is not just a biological thing:)

Beautifully said Annette.

Happy mothers day to all of you wonderful ladies.



Rebecca

Annette

before my exchange the ps suggested taking vit. C it helps with healing, maybe if you start taking it now, it will help you not get sick, just a suggestion

good luck

peg

Hi Everybody,

today I go for my oncotype dx score.  I am very anxous but also glad I don't have to wait anymore.  I'll keep all ofyou posted, as I know you will be there for me...

rowan and jen- here is hoping all is well and you get the answers you want.

peg- i am thinking there must be another Annette since while I certainly complain a lot about many things, as of late, pain has not been one of them (thankfully)

I love blabbing when I am in the mood....soft hugs back to all:)

Thanks MBJ... lets hope so!!! I'm pretty excited. Just unpacked the BIG duffle and re-packed into the VERY BIG duffle! Waiting for my toenail polish to dry, then done! Leave tomorrow evening for NOLA. Will stay posted, I appreciate the good wishes

Rowan,

I too didn't go with chemo and it was a really strange feeling. I can't explain it. When I was at your point, everything kind of hit me all at once and with-in a week I was feeling better.

I didn't start to feel better until about 10 weeks out from surgery. I felt great for 2 weeks and then I got the cold from hell. I just had my exchange surgery last week and am 14 weeks out from my BMX with TE's.  I really feel pretty good. Give yourself some time. 

Hugs,

Eula 

rowan:  You're not alone in the "behind schedule" department!  I had my BXM on Feb. 16 and I'm still healing.  No progress whatsoever with expansions; in fact, have had most of the saline drained from the "problem child".  I'm doing fine, but it has gotten really old.  I've been on restrictions since surgery - no lifting, pushing, pulling, stretching, exercising, sweating (to avoid bacteria in the wound).  Meanwhile, most of my friends have stopped asking how I'm doing because it's been the same answer for almost 3 months - "Still healing". 

I think there's so much chaos at the beginning that when things start to calm down we feel like we should be getting back to "normal".  Of course, it's not normal!  I guess it takes a while to find the new normal.  I think you've got every good reason to talk to a professional; you're life has been shaken to the core!

Best wishes and hang in there!!!

MBJ--love your word choice.  It does "suck!"  You're one strong woman to do chemo and reconstruction together.  I did chemo 13 years ago...I'm sure the combination is rough.  Of course, we say, "I can do that" because we really believe we can--but the day to day reality is just that--putting one foot in front of the other, one day at a time. I remember reading about reconstruction. --swelling, pain after surgery.  I thought sounds pretty average--those words have much more meaning to me now.

Rowan:  Check with your local hospitals.  I got all of my counseling for free at the place I had my chemo.  Not all hospitals offer it, but the ones that do are open to anyone with cancer.  Also, there is something called, I think Wellspring, which is a community service which offers many services, too.  All free of charge.