Illinois ladies facing bc

Lemondrop - your post brought back lots of memories for me.  I was dx'd almost 5 years ago.  My DS was in 4th grade and my DD in Kindergarten.  All that mattered was me not leaving my children!  It is hard to even think about.  I had ILC and it was over 10 cm!!  It was not seen on the mammo or US.  It wasn't seen until I got an MRI. I had one node that had micromets (really, really small) so I know that it is a bit different from you but I just wanted to offer some hope.   My DS is now in high school and DD is in 5th grade.  Just take it easy and concentrate on recovering.  One day at a time.....

Thanks Lago and Susan.  There is a little sarcasm in there too.  Now I have no excuse not to go outside in for a run in the snow.

I'm here!  Thank you for the thoughts and prayers!  Love to all of you.  I was going to try to catch up but it's too much.  (c:  Peace, prayers, and healing to any who need them.  Congrats and welcome also.  I'm diggin' my butt boobs.  They are warm, soft and BIG and I no longer have a hole where they took nodes, yay.  My ass is beat up though!

BIG HUGS FRIENDS!

lemondrop you are being given so much support and care because once diagnosed you join a group of women who are facing so many challenges both physically and emotionally, like you now are.  They get it.  They are sincere and care.  I am going to post an article my husband found for me that addresses part of your challenge.  Getting through the stages of grief after losing a breast.  It is long and I apologize but I have posted on other links and shared with women in my community and have gotten feedback on how helpful it is.

 The anxiety, fear, maybe anger, sadness all is normal.  Allow the emotions and then take a step forward. They will come and go throughout your journey, but they do change as your treatment plan is identified and your recovery begins.  Sometimes it takes longer then others to take that step forward. That is ok.  It is your journey.  You will deal and live it like only you can.  Just know we are here and we care.

years after your surgery your best friend or daughter may be diagnosed with breast cancer and you may find yourself Stages of Grief After Losing A Breast

by Becky Zuckweiler

Anticipatory Grief

Grief is an unfolding process that consists of five basic stages. We start the grieving process as soon as we learn that a mastectomy is a possibility and continue grieving long after the surgery is over. Grief for an impending loss is referred to as anticipatory grief

Stage 1

Denial
When we first experience loss we go into the denial stage, during which we may feel shock, disbelief, and numbness. The denial stage is nature's way of cushioning us from the bluntness of reality. Denial allows us to gradually absorb the painful truth. Many women who have grieved the loss of a breast describe their response in the denial stage as hearing the information the doctor is telling them as though the physician is ta1king about someone else. They find themselves thinking that cancer and mastectomies happen to other people, not them. This response can give you time to intellectually attend to the details, such as making appointments with the surgeon and oncologist, before emotion floods in.

Stage 2

Protest
As our initial shock wears off we move into the protest stage, a phase of intense emotion, including anger, sadness, and confusion. As the facts start to sink in, our thoughts set off an emotional reaction. Our fear of surgery and of cancer is probably foremost in our minds. Before we are even sure we have cancer, we often start to think about dying and leaving our loved ones behind. We feel sad for our kids, our partner, and ourselves. We often feel betrayed and angry with our body. My clients consistently ask me what they did to deserve breast cancer. This is the time during which we tend to blame ourselves or others as we try to make sense of the loss. Anger at God, our doctors, or the relatives who passed on the bad genes is very common during the protest stage. Besides feeling the need to direct our anger at someone; it is also common to engage in unrealistic mental bargaining, such as promising to go to church every Sunday if our breast is spared. This bargaining is a combination of denial and our need to feel that we have some control over the situation. During this time, it is also common to experience physical symptoms from stress, such as diarrhea, constipation, neck and shoulder pain, rest-less sleep, and fatigue. Your stomach may ache or you may find yourself with a splitting headache that makes it hard to think. Your body may seem to be screaming out a message of emotional pain

Stage 3

Disorientation
The third stage of grief is the disorientation stage. This stage is often accompanied by restlessness, confusion, and depression, as we have to change our routines and adjust to the changes the mastectomy has brought. We may also continue to experience the physical symptoms of stress during this stage. Disorientation is very natural after your chest has healed enough to begin to wear more normal clothes and you are feeling strong enough to go out in public. You can't just go to your closet and pick out an outfit like before. Throwing on a bra and a T-shirt is not an option at this point. Now, selecting an outfit means finding a top that your tender chest and restricted arm can tolerate, plus finding a way to fill in the missing breast. You have lost a breast, the freedom to wear a variety of clothes, the movement in your arm, trust in your body, some of your sexuality, restful sleep, and physical comfort, to name a few of your many losses. And even though most of these losses are temporary or become easier with time, making the adjustment to them is likely to cause you to feel confused and disoriented.

Stage 4

Detachment
Following the disorientation stage we move into the detachment stage. During this stage we tend to isolate and withdraw ourselves, and possibly feel resigned and apathetic. It is as though we have to go off quietly by ourselves and sit with our loss. Too much contact with other people at this time often feels like an intrusion and a lot of work. We often feel we need to be left alone in our misery to fully absorb our loss and get used to the fact that a mastectomy has forever changed our life.

Stage 5

Resolution
The last stage of grief is resolution and it is during this stage that we enter a renewed state of reorganization and acceptance. We are not happy about the loss or our breast, but we see that we can live without it. The resolution stage often brings us insight into our life and ourselves that builds character and produce wisdom. During the resolution stage our mood lifts and we find we are able to experience joy again. This is also a time when we become grateful for what we have and want to give back. Volunteerism, such as in breast cancer support organizations, frequently accompanies this last stage of grief. If you give yourself the room to go through the emotions, you will move forward into the resolution stage of grief where you begin to feel acceptance. You will want to take back control of your life by becoming pro-active again. Priorities become redefined and life goals are reestablished. Your overall reaction may actually be a blend of loss and gain. Initially it may have felt like a horrible loss but, as you move through the process, you discover some advantages that come along with your body changes.

Automatic Behavior

There is also something called automatic behavior that often accompanies the grief process. This is what is happening when we don't get our routine behaviors quite right and we start to feel like we are going crazy. As we process our loss we become distracted from life's little details, and this natural preoccupation results in poor concentration while attending to daily tasks. As a result of automatic behavior you may find yourself putting the cereal into the refrigerator and the milk into the cupboard, squeezing a tube of skin cream instead of toothpaste onto your toothbrush, or seeing that the traffic light has turned red but not really registering it, and driving right through. Your short-term memory will also be affected because good concentration is required for the memory to work well. Do not panic over these lapses. They are temporary. However, it is helpful to remember that automatic behavior can occur during the grief process, so you can safeguard yourself. When you set out to drive, remind yourself that you are prone to poor concentration and constantly remind yourself to tune into the "here and now." During this time you should stay away from dangerous machinery until you feel your focus and concentration return.

Each of you will go through the grief process in your own way. The stages of grief are meant to give a general description of the grief process, but in reality they are not as clean-cut as I have described. You will move back and forth through the various stages and can experience more than one stage at a time.

The significance you attach to your loss will determine how long your grieving process will last and how intensely you will feel it. Grief from losing a small purchase you just made may last only minutes, whereas a significant loss such as the death of a close friend, a divorce, or a house burning down may take years. Significant losses are often brought to mind by special events and seasons associated with the loss and these triggers can create new emotional pain. Most women take about two years before they report feeling fairly resolved about the loss of a breast. Your most intense grieving will probably happen close to the time of your surgery but you will likely continue to experience some grief from your mastectomy for the rest of your life. You may feel that you have just started to accept your loss just when something else seems to set it off again. It may be three years later, when you are faced with having to find an evening dress for an elegant wedding that you suddenly feel the tears bubbling up again. You may want to scream and stamp your feet at the unfairness of only being able to consider a quarter of the dresses because of the changes to your body. Twenty reliving some of your own pain as you walk through the process with her. All of these feelings are normal. Every woman grieves in her own way and in her own time.

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Hello everyone,  Thank you all SO MUCH for your words of compassion and support - I can't tell you what it means to me to hear from all of you, as I know you understand what I am
going through.  Thank you for caring about me, a total stranger.  Your messages have been overwhelming to me, in a very good way.  Thanks to you all, I am doing a little better than I was when I posted a few days ago. I so hope to get to meet you in person at a future get-together.   I am so grateful that I have found this board and all of you.  Hopefully, I will be able to provide support to others, too.

Lago, you hit it on the head by describing the post-surgery experience as "surreal"  I have felt like
I am in some kind of weird alternate universe the last few days; like the normal world and its events are going on around me and I am in some kind of frozen-in-time state looking on from the outside.  Maybe that was the pain meds, LOL.  No one has talked to me about LE at all, so I
will definitely raise that and get an appt for baseline measurement.  I have my surgical follow up with my BS tomorrow, so I can ask then.

Usafmom - I think you are starting your chemo today - sending positive thoughts your way!

Connie and mdg, thanks for your perspectives as moms of younger kids.  My three are 8, 5 and 3
(third grade, kindergarten and preschool). I work full time as well, so our life is usually totally crazed.  It is weird to just be told to rest since rest is usually not an option for me.  

Determined - Thank you for the post/article on the stages of grief.  I feel like I am right smack in the middle of Stage 2 right now.    

Since I last posted, I have reached out to a few friends and asked them to be point people on communications with other friends (which was an idea I got from you ladies here - thanks!) so I don't have to repeat my story and updates all the time. 
I am going to try to work on holiday cards this afternoon - one of those
"to do" items that didn't get done before surgery!

Adey, I am so happy to hear that you are happy with your new boobs, and are doing well!  Hope everyone has a good day.  Lisa/Lemondrop

Haven't checked in a few days and lots happening here as usual.  BTW, anyone else not getting your email updates on this thread?  Lemondrop.... I feel that I was in your shoes nearly two years ago with all the same feelings.  Mammo showed nothing, US showed nothing, but I knew it was there.  MRI confirmed it and I ended up with a tiny tumor, but 4 +nodes. So I don't even hold alot of faith in mammos anymore.  I am doing very well now and getting my life back on track with a new and better perspective.  You are in very good hands at NW and will soon have a game plan.  It won't be alot of fun, but you have gotten such good advice from so many ladies here and you know we are all here to support you through it.  I am in the northwest burbs and would be happy to get together with you when you feel up to some company.

usafmom.. welcome to IL.  My DH was active duty AF for several years.  Trapsing around the country with military moves, etc.  I am sure that you have been able to find good medical care in the St Louis area who will help you kick your BC's butt.

Speaking of "butt"... welcome back Adey!  Take it easy over the holidays.  Hope you have a little bell to ring for concierge service next to you couch, chair, bed, or whatever resting position is best for you during your recovery.  You are a brave lady.

makmak.... do you have Gabby with you in Indiana?  Hope she starts feeling better. Special thoughts for everyone going through surgeries and treatments during this holiday season.  I will have to come back later today and finish catching up. 

Kelly, glad to hear that you are recovering well.  The drains are a pain, but once they are out you will feel a hella of a lot better.

Adey, welcome back and they are "warm?"  Lucky girl you.

Robo, I saw your post, but skimmmming right over it.

"I'm not afraid of storms, for I'm learning to sail my ship." - Louisa May Alcott

I have had this one in before but thought maybe some of the new ladies might like it.

Jackie

Kelly you sound great. Yeah we all hated the drains. Real PITA. You will feel much better when they are gone.

Lemondrop waking up from surgery felt like the scene from Rosemary's baby "This is no dream, this is really happening" Granted I'm pretty sure all my doctors and nurses had their clothes on.

Robo, you will be a chia pet before you know it. BTW I had my hair buzzed again today. I did keep the top and bangs long though. I know I know. Who buzzes their hair AFTER chemo. My hair dresser said my hair is much thicker than before so he had to thin it out. I always had thick hair but it's even thicker now. Guess that Anastrozole isn't affecting the hair on my head. Now if only my eyebrows and lashes would thicken up again.

ADEY! So when you flash your boobs are you really mooning us?

Nancy I'm being treated in Chicago. I think my onc (who also sees patients in Oak Park) is too far.

Makmak Will you be home for the holidays? I have a spicy latke recipe I'm going to try out this year.

Jackie you're going to love Windows 7. I had so much trouble with Vista I upgraded a  year later.

NancyJill you're going to love the way you feel when you power walk. I really miss it when I can't do it. I find it also keeps my fluid retention in check too.

Wendy thanks for the compliment but no one ever told me I had a nice figure when I had the little boobs… I think it's all the boobie prizes I still want more eyebrows and my old nails back but I can be patient.

Hope the rain does it's thing early so I can power walk after work. Looks like we are still a bit warmer than usual. I love it .

Adey!!!!!

Good morning --- think we are in for more rain --- double boo because we had it yesterday ( I prefer the one day only sale ) but it also sounds like we are going to have a meek, mild Christmas Day.  Not sure what we are doing yet, but we usually try to make a matinee at the local. 

Wendy & Lago --- I think  ( of course, hard to think of myself in that way ) we are all perfect as we are and that most of the time we are feeling what comes from inside the heart of the person and not so much their outward appearance/presentation. 

I am going to go back to using AVG virus program as I never had the difficulties I have had lately.  I liked Vista ok......but I must say....this 7 is lightning fast.  I'm really liking that. 

Anyway....hi to everyone today.  Hope you are going to have a great day -- whatever you do.  I'll be peeking in later.  See you then.

Hugs, Jackie

Hi, I thought I'd check in for few minutes. Did my first chemo for a few years yesterday. I'm on FEC for 4 rounds every three weeks then going on taxol and herceptin weekly for 12 weeks and going to start radiation sometime in their..lol. Yesterday was okay had some IV issues I get my port before the next treatment so we had to do three IV got some skin burns but not so bad just felt crappy afterward. Came home and went to bed. Feeling pretty icky today but it could be worse. I know each day it will get better:)



Lago I loved your comment about booby prizes made me laugh. I had my implants half a cup size bigger than I was originally it was great for the two years I had them. So rock them girl!



Illinoislady I have to say pc problems is the one thing that can drive me crazier than anything lol. I use my IPad I got for chrismas last year now more than laptop just because it doesnt have all the issues traditional pcs have.



Makmak wishing you will and praying you get home for the holidays. I will be praying for you!



Robo congrats on finishing you treatment. I hope that hair comes quick. My first time it came in so curly and a different color. I had color hair before but it came back mega curly. I never got back my eyebrows but I lost hair again six months later due to some other med and blood clot complications so I just rock eyebrow pencils..lol I figure it is all good!



Anyone else I may have missed I pray you all have blessed holidays! Just spending quiet days myself.



Hugs

Kimber

Hi ladies - just checking in to say hi!

Sounds like everyone is feeling ok!  Glad you are doing better lemondrop - I too work full time.  I continued through chemo and was glad I did.  It kept my mind busy.  I was able to work from home 2 days a week so that helped.

Had 2 days of work holiday parties and dinner so feel yucky - tooooo much food!  It was good though.   I really need to do those power walks (I loooooove walking) but I am a wimp for cold weather. If it is lower than 60, I don't want to go out!

Have a great day!