Poll: How do you manage hard feelings and moments?

most people don’t want to know, they want to hear that it is all behind me and to suck it up and carry on.. surprisingly even very close friends and family treat me this way. I got home from my lumpectomy and 2 days later my husband asked how I was. I answered, I hurt. He replied. “ oh really? Where do you hurt… seriously.

What surprised me the most was the disappearance of people I thought for sure would show up for me. I've been very independent my whole life. I'm 42, never married, no children, and I've always been the person to show up. I travel to people so they don't have to travel to me (since they typically have kids). I'm the one who drives and plans and figures it out. I show up for their birthdays and their kids' events, and their kids' birthdays or graduations or recitals. I was relatively healthy up until being diagnosed. No major health issues beyond hypothyroidism and I've never really needed any help with anything. And then suddenly I needed a major surgery (DMX + DIEP) with major recovery, chemo, radiation, lymphedema therapy, and the two small surgeries to have my port installed/removed. It was hardest thing I'd ever gone through and it was like crickets when I looked around for friends to help. I did ask and my mom's best friend who came to visit, but honestly I asked for that more for my mom (who was my main caretaker during all of it) because I could tell she needed her best friend. My mom (73) is 5'3" and 120lbs and I'm 5'11" and 200lbs, so while my mom was there for me emotionally, she couldn't really be there for me physically. Her friend came and they were both able to help me and it was good for me. But my friends who live a few hours away— nothing. They asked when they could come visit me to buy me a wig. That was nice, and they did come and we enjoyed a weekend, but I was exhausted and sad and on the roller coaster that neither really understood. Chemo treatments were me and my mother packing a lunch and spending the day at the treatment center and then going home and me sleeping off nausea and sickness for a few days. My friends who I've known and shown up for time and time again for 20+ years…..just weren't showing up. And that's the hardest part during. The hardest part after has been everyone just thinking I'm done and so I'm better and 'thank goodness you're past all that' when really I'm not. The emotions are heavy and the medical menopause doesn't help and my body doesn't feel like my own and I'm sad and they don't understand any of it. And I have my phase 2 surgery soon and I'm not looking forward to recovery again and needing help again and having nobody show up or understand….again.

I was diagnosed 3 years ago and thought if I made it through the chemo, bilateral mastectomy and radiation, multiple attempts at reconstruction and finally a DIEP flap, I would be done. I am horrified that my life was forever changed. Radiation damaged my right upper lobe and the entire radiation field. I am disfigured from the radiation fibrosis and lymphedema. I worked full time through the entire treatment and continue to do so but the fatigue is overwhelming. I think daily that I will stop the Verzenio due to side effects, but at least I only have 8 more months of it. I think I have lost 30% of my normal function and wonder how long until I can't continue to work full time. No one warned me, no one has any idea on how to "fix" the radiation damage that is pulling my right shoulder forward and pulling my jaw down. The thought the diagnosis was terrible, but now I think living with the aftermath may be worse. Everyone I work with tells me how good I look and how tough I am. Im not tough, I just haven't given up yet.