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Jan 31, 2017 08:17PM
Yeah things better now. Think I will share some about the emotional issues here since you never know what some folks will find helpful.
I did not have a horrible childhood but it wasn't exactly a happy one either. I became wildly unhappy after the thermometer incident and my parents didn't and couldn't help--they were quite cold and all of us suffered to some extent from their neglect. I got married in my mid-twenties to a man I considered my best friend and we were married for 23 years before he came out gay. If I were a betting person I'd swear that's when the cancer got started--it was such a huge shock and I remember feeling numb thru much of it--just totally out of touch with my feelings. More crazy stuff happened--death of mother and grandmother (who I was closer to), dealing with the detritus of two hoarders, moving out of town to take a job, etc etc. Very stressful. Thru it all I held one thought, accurate or not: I believed that my ex had never loved me and that all I wanted was to find someone who could. And then. This. Oh, ex came out 3 days after Xmas in '08.
So, needless to say, holidays are not a happy time for me and it hit esp hard this year. The ex is very happy--he's found a wonderful new husband--they are married and even I adore this new partner of his. However, I can't help but contrast my situation to his--not that I think about it all the time but it did hit at holiday time. I think it gets worse with each year b/c it's another year that I'm alone and he's that much closer to getting everything he ever wanted. I want him to be happy but I want me to be happy too.
Also, something set me off at my holistic cancer support group--a man was talking about how angry he is with his dead father and as I listened it occurred to me that what my dad did was worse and then I got really angry! I was like a bomb getting ready to explode. I never had faced how angry I was--had never even admitted it to myself--b/c he's dead maybe I don't know. And I realized that I'd uncovered a whole new layer of angst and that it's good to have it out but I really lashed out at a male friend who tried to talk to me during this time. And yes, I am totally disappointed in my dating situation and wondering if it will be possible for me to find someone under the current conditions. After all, I'm treating a very scary disease with a treatment that 99% of the rest of the world doesn't believe in but I believe so strongly in what I'm doing that I'm not willing to give it up--not even to increase my chances of finding a loving partner. It doesn't help that I am rather isolated socially where I live and I'm a democrat in Trump country. That's all I'll say about that except that my tongue is about chewed off from biting it. Would like to move back to St. Louis, closer to my doc but moving is so stressful that I wonder if it's a good idea right now.
So, my point in typing all of this up for your delectation, is that some have speculated about a "cancer personality." If it's a thing, boy do I have it. Some folks get mad when it's brought up, like they are being accused of bringing on their cancer, but I don't see it that way. For one thing, no one asked to have emotional issues either. It's not like you can just turn them off like a faucet. Much of this stuff is buried, in some places quite deep. I call it "digging up bones," a term I coined from a reading of Women Who Run With the Wolves, by Clara Pinkola Estes. ( "La Loba, as told by Clarissa Pinkola Estes in Women Who Run with the Wolves, tells of an old woman who collects bones. When she has a whole wolf skeleton in her bag, she takes them home to her hut. She lays them out meticulously, then lights her fire and sings. Her song puts flesh and hair back on the bones, puts breath in the wolf's body and a beating heart in its chest. When it is ready, the wolf jumps up and runs into the desert. At some moment, mysteriously, the wolf transforms into a woman." ) Of course the actual story is more involved and I love this story. Those bones are me and I am trying to build a coherent picture of my self, from the fragments that were scattered.
Other things I do to help are to meditate and Donna Eden's daily energy routine. I have my support group, which meets monthly, and I have made a big attempt to get out and meet people, even date. It's heartbreaking when I like someone and I tell them I have BC and what I'm doing for it and then I watch them backpedal. The way I figure it though is that I need someone to be with who can have confidence in what I'm doing, or at least in me, and if they don't get the holistic thing they probably won't get me either. Unfortunately it's same old same old story tho--the ones that like me and can handle it are not the ones I like back and vice versa. I generally tell them pretty early on--don't want to lead anyone on, but neither am I going to put that in a dating profile or tell it on the first date. My experience most often has been that a man who really liked me will suddenly do a switch in his head and I'll be downgraded to, "I'd do her . . . " I have learned to wait a lot longer before hopping in the sack than I did before--no I was not a first date girl or even a 3rd date, but I've discovered that even a 10th date is too soon. (Some of you probably rolling your eyes and some probably going, "Whu. . ?" LOL relax, I'm 57. I remain hopeful but will probably have to move.
Breast cancer should not be something to fear but rather a call to go deeper in this journey called life.
11/14/2013, ILC, 5cm, Grade 2, ER+/PR+, HER2-