Exchange City
Comments
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My foobs may never look normal, but they look pretty darn good in clothes! I had augmentation and wasn't 100% happy with it, but that's because I was borderline for a lift. I am very happy with my size now (more so that with my augmentation). I was very projected when I had my augmentation. I could use a little more projection now, but I can fake in it a bra and a padded bikini top! And I'm afraid of what will happen when I have radiation with my implants!!! I worked too hard for them! My right side may need some fat grafting or something after I'm done with all this crap (since I had so much tissue/capsule taken from the last 2 surgeries).
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Hope4Future- Thanks!!! I really hope you find out your date on the 14th. I know, for me, it made a huge difference knowing there was light at the end of the tunnel and something to circle on my calendar.
OK, girls, I finally got my photos up on the picture forum 5 days before my exchange! Better late than never! They are the ones my PS took and will be using on her web site!
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Mslrg -- Is it possible there is a lot of swelling from the lip and the fat grafting? I hope so. I hope you don't have a unafoob. I do know that the first week is probably the hardest: you are still sore, you are swollen and bruised, it's really hard to imagine that it will all look okay... and it does get better. Do some women need revisions afterward? They do. I can't know without seeing your results... best plan is to speak with your PS. Do you have a follow up visit soon (post-surgery)? Your PS will best be able to answer this specific question... but I for one truly hope it's just swelling and that you will become happy with your results.
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Thanks, Lilah,I'm seeing my PS on Monday.Hopefully,she'll be able togive me some answers.
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Looking good in clothes was the best my PS could offer me. I cried a long time after exchange. I guess I thought you get a new breast but one year later I am only now beginning to realize that is not what this is. It is a shape. That is all. It fills the bra cup. It's like a prosthetic arm is to an arm amputee...it's for the comfort of OTHER people, so they look normal to the world around them, but it can't function. It can't feel. It can't respond. And reaching out to shake their "arm" would be very awkward...likewise, any expectation that this foob could or would fuction like it use to, well, needless to say, it's not happening. Maybe this will change one day, but for now, "she"is a non player in my life, except to fill out my bras and my clothes. I bet if as many women with foobs walked around without clothing as amputees get around without arms or legs, this world would be demanding a cure for breast cancer NOW. But we all cover up, nobody knows what's under our clothing, and the world goes blissfully on while we mourn our loss in secret. Can you tell I am at my anger phase of mourning? LOL! But sometimes I think maybe if enough women got angry and told the truth about how mastectomies change their lives, the general public would join us in the fight. Like the 20-something young men and women I see at my Army hospital missing their arms and legs....it makes you angry and want to see change....it's so senseless...what we are going through on this forum is the casualty of WAR of another kind. A secret war that the general public and people never exposed to breast caner know nothing about. They tease that you get "perky new boobs" out of this and that is almost offensive to me. Does anybody else feel this way?0
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Hi to Kittycat:
The headache after chemo was my biggest SE, that and heartburn. I never got any nausea at all, I guess due to steroid sensitivity, which worked in my favor, that way.
Some extra strength tylenol did the trick, but I usually just had to wait the darn thing out. I had alot of success with accupressure for headaches and I used it to ward off nausea too. They handed out accurpressure point bracelets for it at the chemo room.
Koryn, sweetie, we've all felt that way. Alot of us use humor (I do and did) as a coping device. There are so many stages to go thru with this, and all are necessary to get to the other side of it.
Accept how you feel, it's how you feel!!!! And in time, hopefully, you may get to accept your new girl. After all, she's still your breast on the outside.
I welcomed mine, grew to love her, and now (this sounds like I adopted a pet, sort of feels like it too) I feel like she's mine.
Give yourself time, all you need. As Deborah so wisely says, there is no finish line, here.
Hi Laura, little doll! love to you, sweetie, how are you?????
xoxoxo
annie
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to mslrg:
I agree with Lilah, PS needs to be consulted. If I had thought that the way things looked right after exchange was the way they would have stayed, I'd have been very upset. They settled down, but it did take weeks for the swelling to settle. The shape was weird, too, but that resolved itself in a week or so. Each month, up to now, it has looked better and better. Some of us, esp. those of us with prev. irradiated skin, can have a longer time for things to look right.
If it needs a revision, can be done, only the PS can know what's going on.
Try not to worry for now, you are a work in progress, sweetie. I am very happy for you that you've come this far!!!
xoxo
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Ronna, sorry, meant to include you for my other post.
They can come from anywhere. My PS has said he already has it there, I guess he used a lift and twist, with the existing skin and sutures it in place. If I want a more prominent nip, he will take donor skin from my C section area. I can use the tummy tuck ; jk, it's a miniscule amount.
Many use tummy (bikin line or lower) skin, so it isn't noticeable. Some create it from excess folds on the foob and use alloderm to perk it up. It really is a bitsy amount, so don't worry! It won't be frankenboob
but a lovely, natural looking breast when all is said and done. They tatoo the color at the very end for the finishing touch to match. I know there are some real artists out there, our own (this site) facecrafter is one. Why not PM her and ask? She's a doll and will help you out if she can with questions.But your PS will have his/her own method. Why not call and ask what he uses? Then you can go onto the photo site and see how they look. Everyone's I've seen are amazing. You can hardly tell at all.
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ANNIE my sweet... are you vacation this week, or are ya gonna be around the water cooler more often?? "Cause I LOVE seeing you posting.. LOVE IT! And I am doing pretty aok. I am learning to wrap my stupid LE arm.. and so far, no one but family can tell I have a sausage arm I m dealing with. It actually is getter the more I keep my wrap on... ((((Anniealso)))) Keep on hanging with us at the water cooler...
Koryn: No, you are not alone at all in your feeling. I am really glad I got my 'fillers" as I do not have to try and figure out close to wear really. I HAVE have to fiddle with anything really. So permanent prosthetics ( foobs) really work for me. But I feel about the same way you do about them. I do think that we ARE getting somewhere in BC though.
We FIGHT on our RUNS to raise money.. and girl.. where I live.. the entire CITY is there for You and for Me.
We are on TV ( stars) standing up to BC.
In my head... the foobs... in your face.... are a statement...In my head the statement says.....
BC tried to take ALL of me, I took control of it, won, and now I FIGHT LIKE A WOMEN... these breast are fake. I am sad about that.. I LOVED my originals... But I still have my Woman shape. I fought back.
This is just how I cope. I hope you find your way of coping... I think you will.. 'cause after the ANGER part for me.. came... thanksgiving... and some kind of peace...
But I still Fight.
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oh crappola.... HUMOR works for me too Koryn.. just as Anniealso said. it helps....
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I agree with anniealso, in that the PS and tattoo artists can do amazing esthetic results with nipples and aerolas! Check out the picture forum. I saw my firend's results face to face and was amazed how real they looked. I think it is also important to realize that not all outcomes are the same. Complications can and do arise in some patients. My same friends' nipples flattened weeks after her tattoos, so keep that in mind. She had to have another nipple surgery. So not all is always rosey and peachy in the exchange city. It is also something you should know that there's no feeling in these new nipples. They are only esthetic. They don't respond, they don't "turn on", just an FYI. (The only advantage for me is that in a sports bra at the gym people don't look at me and say "gee why does she only have one nipple?")
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KorynH- I found your post very moving. Sometimes I read one and say, "That is what I am feeling today!" and I want to do a mass printing and hand it out to everyone I see that day (as well as mail it to a few people!). That's what yours did for me this morning. I think the hardest part for me throughout all this I thought I had to be this brave and stoic woman. I thought I was the only one that got mad, sad and pissed off. After all, the women I saw depicted on Lifetime Movie Network never felt sorry for themselves. They just breezed through BC, silk scarf artfully tied around their bald head, with a smile on their face talking about their wonderful journey and how it was the best thing that ever happened to them and made them a better person. Well, you know what? I already was a good person and I never asked to take any damn journey! So I do have days I get, shall we say, a little testy? But I guess the days of acceptance are happening more and more the closer I get, to what will be, my new normal. I am grateful they caught it early. I am really grateful I didn't have to have chemo. (Don't think I could really rock the whole head scarf thing, anyway.) And I'm grateful to be here. But I do agree, and empathize with you, that by now they should have come a whole lot farther in the treatment and prevention of this disease. And not just slap a pretty pink bow on it.
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Koryn -- I also appreciate what you wrote. It's not like we got perky boobs -- we got replacements that are not the same at all. I also was told by my PS that I'd look good in clothes. I only lost one, but it's been hard to go through. There are things I like better about how I look now overall, to be honest; my breasts were way too large and saggy before. But I'd still rather not have had BC, rather not have a huge swatch of numbness under my arm and halfway across my chest.
Kate -- I agree about those who say that BC made them better. I was damn good before BC and it did not make me better. But I am surviving and yes with humor and good cheer as much as possible. I have my down and angry days, to be sure, and those days are valid not just for me but for all of us. But I'd rather live my life with joy as much as possible; that is how I was before BC and how I intend to remain. So BC can basically bite me
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Koryn: I was so touched by your post and it really hit home for me. I have always been strong and quite frankly, breast cancer is a lousy way to find out just how strong you can be. I had many people say to me, and I was once one of the ignorant ones, that I will get a boob job out of it. And it's not the same at all. Right now I am still in expansion and I have this hard baseball helmut of an alien sticking out of my left side like a weird growth. If I wanted a boob job I would have had one, yet here I am, just like the rest of you, having my body manipulated into looking somewhat "normal". I do think there has been great strides in BC because of the amount of choices we have for reconstruction. I was someone who had limited choices because I didn't have insurance yet I ended up with the best dr's in the business! I had to push and search hard to find them, but they were there and for me, waking up with even a partial breast mound was a big deal because I had been told that wasn't possible for me.
Kate: I am so right there with you! Sometimes I just want to punch someone in the mouth, but instead I go into the actual gorey details of reconstruction in order to educate others about how devestating this journey can be.
Kittycat: I have heard that there are many things that can be done after radiation to fix the damage done and I hope that it is minimal in your case and I am so sorry you are having to go through this--you always are so upbeat and have such a great sense of humor and it just isn't right. I would be angry, too, after all you went through to get it right the first time.
Laura: I am glad that the wrap is helping with you lymphodema. You always cheer me up when you post on this thread and I am so grateful for all of yours and Deborah's help and advice. It's a crazy journey we are on.
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Lilah and Kate33, I thank you for your bare honesty. I guess that is what I wish I would see more of here on the forums and in the public in general. I know what you mean about being stoic and strong. We don't want to be seen as complaining and unhappy, but honestly, ladies, for any of here, let's just be honest. Losing a breast or both breasts is a huge loss and I for one am glad I had a breast surgeon who recognized that fact in how he steered my surgical decision. I guess if I had to ask myself how did breast cancer change me, I would have to say for the better in the fact that I cherish each day now and I don't waste my time doing things I don't want to do just to make other people happy. That doesn't mean I don't still like to make people happy, becuase I do, but it's not what motivates me. I'm not as worried about what people think about me.I am not going to take responsibility anymore for the people in my life who claim that I make them unhappy. Happiness is a choice we each make for ourselves. I take responsibilities for my faults, my weaknesses, my mistakes, but not your feelings. I love a full and active happy life, but I must say that breast cancer did a number on my "intimate life", and now I get five years of Tamoxifen to top it all off. The hair grew back, the Tamoxifen will come and then go, but I will never get my breast back. That part is only now beginning to sink in as the 2 year approaches in October. I think maybe I will have a memorial service for her!0
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Koryn a memorial service is a great idea
Maybe it hits harder at year two -- I'm just at year one now and frankly happy to be alive and to have a breast of any kind (which did not stop me from being down about it all after exchange). Post-exchange is probably the hardest time because you are "done" with the biggest part; TEs are not so bad because though they can look and feel horrible, they are not final, and so you make allowances that you can't make once the exchange is done. Since, however, all implants are temporary -- shelf life of 10 years (according to manufacturer) though they can last longer they are probably not going to last forever. So I look forward to discovering what options there will be for me in 10 years (or so) when this implant will undoubtedly have to go.
If you had asked me before getting BC how I would be if I had to go through chemo, lose my hair, lose a breast, and undergo multiple surgeries in a year, I would have guessed that I would be morose and cry all the time and become a shut in. That has not been the case at all. I'm glad to know I'm made of stronger stuff; though in truth I think I did know that. But knowing it and doing/being it are two different things. Very different.
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Hi, KorynH...how did you get inside my head and put my exact thoughts to paper so eloquently?...I'm right there with you...one thing, though, I would love to look good in my clothes...I am quite overweight and my implants are nowhere near being in proportion to the rest of my body...I have 800cc silicone the largest insurance allows...at least I don't look 11 yrs old, but I sure wouldn't mind being my big old saggy baggy 54 yr old self again....my shirts seem to fit me everywhere but in the bust...just the place I do NOT want to call attention to!!!!!...oh, I try to use whatever fashion tricks I can to disguise my shortcomings, but I still know what's NOT there...I need to clarify that I feel I have been very lucky in my outcome: although I had a bilateral MX with TEs, I did not need chemo or rads...I did have one of my TEs in for 11 months (lost other one to infection and had to start again) but I never complained and was always grateful that things were not worse...but now I am ANGRY...and I know being angry is normal and just part of the grieving process...it seems so funny for me to have finally gotten to the finish line (implants) and then be mad as hell at the world...I mean this is the part where I thought I could jump up and down and finally shout Halllelujah!....I guess my expectations were too high...I even cancelled nip recon indefinitely because I'm just disgusted right now...all I can say is everyday when I put on my bra I go through the motions of putting two square pegs into two round holes...I know this is just how I feel RIGHT NOW and not a permanent state of mind...but you still have to go through it regardless...and well, it just ain't a pretty picture any way you look at it.
Thanks for listening to my rant...quicker than 2-3 hrs in therapy...LOL
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I was remiss earlier in not wishing well to all who are preparing for surgery or are on the mend...this BC stuff really is a process and we will all get through it TOGETHER.
Prayers and gentle hugs to all.
Thanks.
Shea
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Suthenflower: If you are truly not happy with your silicone 800ccs, you could exchange out to 960 cc saline implants. As I have mentioned previously, Sientra Corp. has a round gummy bear round implant which should be approved by the FDA - hopefully within the next one to two years [some PS' thought it would be this year] and they will have sizes up to 1,000 ccs. So you DO have options!0
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Thanks, Deb...
I'm aware there are changes on the horizon and am pretty much in a 'wait and see' frame of mind...I see my breast surgeon for my annual exam on Tuesday and want to get her opinion on my recon results since she referred me to the PS...I think having another dr's point of view will probably help me realize if my expectations were too high to begin with and helpfully put things in perspective...I am going to be sure and mention to her how much I've learned on this site and how EVERY woman with BC should be made aware of the discussion boards on BreastCancer.org....I can't say enough about how much I've learned here....wish I had been here since Day One.
Thanks, again.
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Suthenflowah: I have the oppossite problem as you--I have broad shoulders, a wide rib cage, but very small breasts and I have had to pad and compensate for having too small of breasts my entire life. I am hoping to at least get large enough breasts so that I don't have to do this anymore, but there aren't any guarantees, are there? I am a uni, too, so it's a bigger challenge for my PS.
KorynH: It will be a year in September when I first received my diagnosis, and I have spent all of this time in fear, sadness, loss and pain. I am sure after it's all over, the anger will come and I am so grateful for these boards where we can share honestly how things are without any social masks. I was incredibly angry at how the men at my work (I was the only woman) handled my diagnosis. I literally asked them, what if I cut off your balls and said you couldn't have sex for the next year, how would that feel? No big deal?? It's a life changer that is for sure, but you are right--I no longer am living my life for anyone else and I quit my job one week after my diagnosis. Cancer gave me the strength to say no more.
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Sorry I haven't posted much lately. Been busy at work and at home ~ plucking hairs out of my new nipples! Not kidding!!! Who would have thought???
PS says if I get it them by the roots it shouldn't grow back. Thank goodness they are fine and the skin was taken from high enough on my bikini line. What next?!?!?!
Take care eveyone!! Have been following and praying for you silently!!!
Colleen
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A friend reminded me of a great quote from Tuesdays with Morrie:
"After you have wept and grieved for your physical losses, cherish the functions and the life you have left. "
This was made more poignant as my friend's wife, age 40, died of breast cancer on Wednesday night. She was such a wonderful person and a real source of hope when I was deciding on the MX. She leaves my friend and a three year old son, it is horrible.
We have the absolute right to grieve the losses we have endured, but some how, we have to find the strength somewhere deep inside to cherish and honor the life that we have before us.
I wish for me and all of the beautiful wonderful women on this site the ability to find that strength within us and to cherish what we have left and years that lay ahead of us.
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Oh Wendy I am so sorry to hear that about your friend's wife. Such a tragedy. I grieve more every time I hear of someone dying from this horrible disease.
So ladies: note my new avatar -- JUST taken -- the post chemo look. Funny how similar our hairdos are
I figured since I'll be meeting many of you in October you might as well get used to a short hair me!
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Wow, Lilah, you are Greta Garbo with dark hair! Very becoming!
Brenda
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Kittycat
I was prone to migraines and Zofran can cause you to get more so I got Aloxi (IV) and did well with that. Also, I don't know what you take for them but you may consider taking something before chemo and perhaps it would prevent one.
Best of Luck,
Karyn
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Lilah - you are just lovely with short hair! I didn't have chemo, but losing my hair was the least concern to me. And I don't think I would have worn a wig unless I found one that was really comfortable.
Haven't posted in awhile... just trying to keep all the plates spinning! But I read Koryn's post and wanted to thank her for that. I have posted about the "free boob-job" comment on the "stupid things people say" thread but wasn't able to express why I am so offended by that perspective. The next time someone makes such a comment I'll be able to put it in perspective for them, or at least, for myself. I hope no one would make such a comment to a vet with a prosthetic limb. I have mostly gotten this comment from women. I always think 'she must be unhappy with their own body to suggest that I would be happier with reconstruction'. I had lovely breasts but frankly I had been afraid of them for years. I'm not glad they are gone, but knowing that my foobs won't kill me has made it much easier to accept them!
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Lilah you are beautiful! Reading all the posts tonight has really made me so very glad to be here with you all. These new breasts are not easy to get used to, they are indeed something that fills out the clothes but when you think about those who have lost their lives to battling BC it brings it forward in being so very clear. I believe I am just now going through the process of grieving my breasts, I was not intimate with my husband when I had the TE's because it was too painful and awkward and now it just is so different and I can no longer deny what has been lost as they were such a big part of what I once knew. I know it will be ok, it is just going to take some time. Thank you all for listening and I love that we can be honest. Anna
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Lilah ~ Love the look!!!
Colleen
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Thank you for all the honest post tonight. I'm having a good cry. I think I am in the depressed stage. I still get so tired since the BMX and then 2 weeks ago the golf ball size new cyst taken out. I thought I was done after the BMX - I think the new cyst has put me in a funk. I should be happy it was a fatty cyst. Onc said he still didn't like how fast it grew etc.....So I feel like I need to worry all over again. I want my energy back!!! I even get angry at women at church of all places. I get people don't know what to say....so don't say anything....bake my family something...offer to have my kids over to play.....send me a card......don't say....you don't look sooo bad...etc. When I was at a baptism (Godmother) everyone was whispering that's the girl with BC. I am not kidding you.....I could hear them! So I am definitly between depressed and angry. I see the PS on the 14th to hopefully schedule my exchange. Part of me excited part of me scared. I am thankful for all the honesty so I am not going into the surgery thinking I will come out of this looking like a model! So thank you for all the posts....and thank you for the cry. I really needed it today!
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