Starting Chemo in Nov. 2011...anyone else?
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bahamamom, it's just terrible the way we have to live now. Always looking over our shoulder. I actually had a ct scan of my sinus a couple weeks ago. I've had this constant drip, and off and on sinus headache. They found a small polyp in the left maxillary sinus (under the left eye). They assured me that breast cancer doesn't go there, but as you know it's in my mind. But no sign of any infection. I see my Onc. February 10. Just trying to keep it off my mind. I just feel very nervous all the time.
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bahamama, Hopefully Tuesday comes quickly. The waiting as we all know can be the worst. Be gentle with yourself and keep us posted.
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Bahamamom, hope everything goes ok tomorrow.
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Hi All, I have been reading these threads as they have been posted but have not responded- been going through a lot lately.
Linda I do totally understand the comfort food thing. The first year of chemo (this time around) I held my weight fairly close-- put on a few pounds but not much (I am 5'2" so 3 pounds on me is major) and then, after last November in the hospital, all the antibiotics etc, something happened. My body just couldn't recover and I got very very tired and exercise dropped significantly and of course--what happens to us but WE EAT!!! LOL. So if you have been tired--this is a tired that people who didn't have cancer can't understand-- then, of course it is such a battle. Be kind to yourself. You will get there and when you are ready, nothing will stop you.
Last October, I decided enough was enough--one year of crappy eating and not much real exercise or putting the effort into body actions -- my muscles have wasted, my thighs are not rock solid but flappy things that if I allowed them to be uncovered (he he he) they would flap in the wind!!! LOL. I didn't want to "diet" during the holidays so I made a promise and didn't go crazy--until about the week between Christmas and NYs-- and I put on another 3 pounds-- now up 15 pounds from weight before mastectomy. BLAH!!
I started on January 2nd and am down about 12 pounds and want another 6 off total. Its HARD!! but no exercise and I miss that--why? well, I broke my leg and am waiting for an MRI to see if my ACL is torn. No cast and I can walk but there is pain and I have to be careful--careful to me is riding my horses with only one leg…
I know when you are ready, really ready to change and eating is not doing what you think or want it to do for you, the change will be easy. Like all of us, I struggle with eating for emotional satisfaction-- I just think that if I/we can keep aware that it really doesn't satisfy what we need to satisfy then….
Hang in there!
Q
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Wonderful post Quaatsi, needed a pep talk this morning. 12 pounds!!! wow!
I hope your leg heals very quickly.
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Linda - I understand about the weight gain. I am with a group that started The Daniel Plan. It is a healthy lifestyle and eating in a healthy way. I have list 9lbs in a week and don't feel deprived or on a diet. There are so many clean foods to eat. I love carrots and we can eat unlimited quantities of them and other vegetables. This is not the fast but the plan to change my unhealthy choices of food. I think winter is a tough time to be losing weight. We don't get out as much. Now we are expecting snow here in NC and I don't like it one bit! I didn't know it got cold here!
Bahamamom-any topi me we have a test done now, we always expect the worse. I hope you can do some things to take your mind off the test & results for at least a little while. The waiting is the hardest part. I also hate needles. I had my people in Indiana trained to comfort me before the stick. It's a whole new world down here. I am getting to know some of the people and will refuse if someone hurt me. This is for blood draws. I always cry when the IV goes in before surgery. I will be saying a prayer for you.
Quaatsi - what can I say? I hope your leg heals really fast. Can you go riding with it broken? And if you can and do then you really amaze and inspire me.
As for me, I am still dealing with depression and grieving. My body has betrayed me and I cannot get that positive body image feeling back. One of my friends said boobs are overrated anyway so I should be happy it is gone. I don't think she gets it. I am getting better but what about this summer when I want to wear a tank top? I am not sure about a swimsuit either. I told my husband that if I bought one with a crazy design at the top, maybe no one would notice. I don't wNt to think about wearing a prosthesis just in case it comes out and floats away! Have I asked any of you who have had a mastectomy how you handle being flat on one side? Can you share with me again?
I'm gonna go to the store and stock up on some fruit and get Grandma V's YouTube videos set up. Hugs!
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Things have been challenging in the past few months-depression which I thought was lifting maybe because I figured out there were things I could change and have been doing that. I always like a challenge I guess so it makes me feel good.
10 days ago one of the great loves of my life my Morgan Whom I have had since I was in my mid thirties, raised him as a little boy-- we'll he went berserk kicked me ( unintentionally) and became dangerous. Last Monday we put him to sleep and I cried for 3 days straight. Still crying here and there. Miss him so much.
So now broken leg and maybe ACL tear, minus one of my boys and I saw how I had wanted to eat when down. Didn't do it but it was enlightening.
Not depressed so much as sad. And yes-- I am riding looking at new horses but it does hurt if I overdo it.
So there-- that's my story.. And I'm sticking to it... Lol
Q
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Beth, sorry about your friend's well intentioned, but mistaken comment. There's no way people can understand unless they've been through it. I can't imagine what you're going through. But 9 pounds in a week, that's incredible! We all have to find what works for us. Have fun with those belly dancing videos, I know I do. There are some more challenging ones but I'm not ready to move on to those yet. I have managed to loose 3 more pounds. That makes 19, but it has taken me 9 months to loose that much.
Quaatsi, So sorry about Morgan.
Went for an echo today, and had a different tech than usual and she wouldn't tell me anything. My usual tech would have at least told me if it was good or bad news. I see the cardiologist on the 7th so have to wait until then. Trying not read anything into it, but it makes me think it wasn't good news.
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Quaatsi, I don't know if you've seen this, but I ran across it one day. Other horseback riders who've had breast cancer. You have to promise that you'll still come and post with us, too, ok? But I immediately thought of you when I saw it.
http://community.breastcancer.org/forum/58/topic/795812?page=10#idx_275
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Bahamamom ~ Hope all goes well today. Please keep us posted...I know all of us here are keeping positive thoughts for you.Quaatsi ~ Thank you so very much for your kind words. I believe that once you have walked a mile in our shoes, we play mind games with ourselves that can only be understood by a "sister" who is in the same place. I am so very sorry to hear about losing your precious horse. I am a dog person and whenever we have lost one, I have been so very sad. I know some people don't feel the same way as my husband and I do, but it's truly like losing a close family member. I am also sorry to hear about your leg. As they say, when it rains, it pours! Now the very positive thing is your weight loss. I am happy for you and as you wrote, I guess I will be ready to let go of the weight in my own time. I think I am getting closer...but have to just take a leap of faith and jump off the ledge! Congrats on losing 12 pounds...that's fantastic.
Beth ~ I hope your mood lightens soon. I think we can all relate to the thought that our bodies betrayed us. Unfortunately, you have had a reminder of that once again and all I can say is that I will keep you in my heart and prayers. I had a quadrantectomy so can't relate to the summer clothes. However, I remember seeing bathing suits that are specifically for women who wear a prosthesis and I think they had a pocket that holds the prosthesis that is placed under the "bra" area. Hopefully, you will find some summer clothes and a bathing suit that you are happy with. Women just shouldn't have to deal with crap like this if you ask me! I am going to check out the Daniel diet and see if when I am ready to jump off the fat ledge it might work for me! I can't believe how much you lost in a week...also fantastic!
Grandma ~ I keep forgetting to look up the belly dancing video, but definitely plan on trying it out, but only when my husband isn't home! What a sight I will be...lol!
I just want to say that it's been a weird/hard week for me. I am trying to "be there" for my friend who was diagnosed 2 weeks ago. She has had a terrible time making a decision about where to have her bc treated. I know just how she feels, confused and scared. I have tried to stay out of the decision making process, but when she asks an opinion, I am honest. It's hard to watch someone try to make the choice that she will have to live with for the rest of her life. I know we all empathize with anyone who has to figure out what she wants/needs to do, and I remember being in that spot not so long ago...it's a spot I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. On top of that, the wife of a teacher I work with just found out she is Stage 4 and I am so sad for both of them. I have to say that selfishly, when I hear that another woman recurring, I am scared for myself. I could only admit that to a few people, and you are some of those who I can admit this to. Did I ever mention that I HATE CANCER???!!! Thanks for letting me feel that I can get that (pardon the pun) off my chest!
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Thanks to everyone for your support. I did have the bone scan done today and should be able to call the doctor for the results on Thursday. I am trying to stay busy to keep from thinking about what the scan may show, but I am glad I got it done. Like Grandma said, since our minds now will "go there" anyway, at least I will know. Also since we only get tests done to check for recurrences when we have symptoms and complain, I don't want to stay quiet and miss an opportunity for getting any needed treatment as soon as I could. I am so proud of all of you who are losing weight (Grandma-19, Beth-9, Quaatsi-12). I have been stuck at 30 pounds for a while now, and it has taken a year to get there, but I am happy as long as I don't start gaining again. I would like to lose 22 more pounds, but I am in no rush. Quaatsi, I loved what you said about your arm and leg flab. I can really relate to that description, and I know that I would be even more flabby if I were losing weight fast, especially if I wasn't exercising along with it. Linda, I am sorry that your friend and colleague's wife are dealing with breast cancer too. I also completely understand how you feel when you say that hearing of another woman's recurrence causes you to worry or focus more on the possibility of having a recurrence yourself. I feel the same way. I am constantly trying to compare myself, my BC stats and experiences with those of others. I don't think it is selfish; it doesn't mean we aren't worried for the other women as well, but I think it is natural to take in other people's stories and to see how they may apply to us. I think that helps us process our own feelings better. Quaatsi, I am so sorry about losing your good "friend". It is easy to read how close you were in your posts. Also I hope your leg heals quickly.
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Grandma, I hope you get echo results soon. Some techs are much more talkative than others, so try not to read too much into the lack of information the one today gave you.
Beth, I got a lumpectomy, so I can't tell you swimsuit advice, but I hope you find something that you feel good and confident in.
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thank you all for your kindness. I am very fortunate to have loved such a horse and more fortunate yet that my "main squeeze" ( not talking husband here lol) is still very much a young man and a fabulous riding partner. He will very soon have a new buddy-- like people, solitary confinement is not good for herd animals.
Beth I have a bilateral mastectomy and I use the swimming prostheses- they are heavy and do not float out in my limited experience. I am not shy so I will go swimming with a bathing suit and flat chest though.
I go for a Petscan next week to verify what I already believe- that I am in remission.
Keep the faith! Q
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Bahamamom ~ Hoping to hear that you had good results on the scan. I have been thinking about you.
Quaatsi ~ So glad you are keeping a positive attitude. For myself, I know that it is hard when I have to have a test and feel that it is an eternity until I find out the results. Keeping the faith for sure.
My friend has finally figured out the path she will take for her treatment. She has found a breast surgeon she likes a lot and also found a MO that she feels comfortable with. I am so glad she has figured that stuff out so she can get things going. Due to her lupus and the many complications she has had with her other 6 surgeries since last August her team feels it is best to just have the mastectomy and get started on chemo because if she developed an infection from the reconstruction there would a delay in getting chemo started. I am so sad to know that she (or anyone) has to deal with this crap!
I hope you all have a great weekend. Are any of you fans of either of the Super Bowl teams? Since there is a certain tradition to watching it, I guess I will. I just have to go shopping so my husband will have the junk food he wants for watching the game!
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all clear on the bone scan. Yippee! Have a great weekend everyone!
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bahamamom, Wonderful news.
Linda, I don't like football. Not my tradition. By the way, are you still doing the clinical trial?
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Wahoo!
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Bahamamom... I am so thrilled for you...doing the NED dance for you!
Grandma...Still doing the trial but don't think I am taking the metformin...having a tough time with losing weight. That could be because I am sitting here with the family eating nachos like there's no tomorrow.
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Wow...it's mighty lonely around here. Hope you are all well and off enjoying yourselves...or if you live in the cold zones, hope you are safe and warm! Hugs to all!
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ok. I will spice things up. Not only is it around 60 degrees here but--- my petscan came out clean and I am in remission!
Oh and my weight down 13# to 127--3 more to go!
How is that?
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Quaatsi,
Wahoo for the clean petscan!!! and the weight loss. You are rocking it
25 degrees here, what I would not give for 60!
Best,
Nel
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Great news, Quaatsi! Clear scan and weight loss too.....
Linda, I loved your description of eating nachos like there was no tomorrow:-) Hopefully, you will start losing soon. I think that after chemo, everything just tastes so good now, making it even harder to turn down our favorite foods.
I will be glad when the weather is so that you can just throw on some clothes and go places again, no coat, scarf, gloves, no cleaning snow off driveway and car windows, no freezing to death if you try to get your daily walk in. I am getting a little cabin fever!
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Quaatsi ~ Fantastic news on the scan! I am sure you are so relieved and excited. Great work with the weight loss, too. Hopefully, that will be something I can concentrate on as well.
Nel & Bahamamom ~ It is about time for your winter weather to be over. Having grown up in Chicago, I know what it's like to go out dressed like a Michelin man! I spoke with my cousin who still lives in the Chicago area and she is thoroughly disgusted with having to stay in. She had a knee replacement in the fall, so she really has to be careful about walking in the nasty ice and snow. It's around 60 here today (rain during the night) and you would think we were in Arctic. Californians are so wimpy about cool (not even cold) weather and I have to say that my husband (also a Chicago native) is the WORST of all!
Happy weekend and hugs to all!
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Quaatsi, Wonderful news! We love clean scans.
It got up to 16 degrees here today. We have 9 inches of snow. Yesterday, it only got up to 9 degrees, wind chill -12. Tomorrow we may get up to freezing. I usually love the cold weather, but this is too cold even for me. Had my cardiologists appointment. It was all good news. I have never seen that man so excited. I had been having mild pulmonary hypertension (googled it and had very grim outcome), but it has resolved and back to normal levels. He said it was the best news he'd had all day. I can't stop smiling. Went grocery shopping and smiled all through the store. It's amazing how many people smiled back. I'm still smiling. Now I can smile for all the clean scans you all have had, too.
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Thank you everyone. It does feel…lighter!
Grandma V Yahoo and keep smiling.
And I know I live in Tucson but it does feel COLD…
I have been so tired lately-- likely from all the emotional roller coaster I have been on but I think that has something to do with being cold. I am sitting here eating…pretzels…not a good thing I know but somehow they seem quite satisfying tonight.
Ok…enough with winter…enough with cancer…Q
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Grandma ~ I am so, so, so, so happy to hear your news! Keep smiling, you have a great reason to be joyful. Even the cold probably isn't as depressing when you hear and see your doctor say it's the best thing he heard all day. You go, girl!
Quaatsi ~ I know what you mean about feeling cold. It was in the 50's and 60's last week...brrrrrr...lol! It's going back up to 80 this week and to be honest everyone I know wishes it would be cooler and rain. We really need it.
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I wonder if the feeling cold does not have to do with having had our bodies depleted for so long? I am also not getting the exercise I used to get but, the last two winters I have had this as well. Anyone else more sensitive to weather?
Q
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Grandma -Wahoooo!!! Wonderful news.
And none of us need worry any longer. I received an email today about how asparagus will cure cancer. Everyone run to the store NOW. Oh wait a minute, it may not be accurate - the email came from one of my cousins who told us about her doc diagnosing her allergies by taking her blood, sending it to California from Massachusetts and having it injected into a snake, If the snake died and it did she has allergies! REALLY. Have to laugh or I will cry
Hope all have a good night. More snow coming to the Northeast UUUGGGGHHH
Nel
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Nel ~ now I know how the term snake oil was coined...LMAO!
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Grandma-yippee on the heart news! I know you can't help worry that some of the radiation and/or chemo (not to mention all the stress and medications you have had to take) may have damaged your heart, so this was especially good news for you! Hopefully, you can rest easier now. Congratulations!
Quaatsi-you know I had even told a few family members that I am a lot more sensitive to the cold now than before the breast cancer treatments. It seems like it started with my bald head and trying not to freeze to death when I would go for a daily walk with my husband. I know I had always heard that a lot of heat escapes through your head, so I assumed that was the only reason for a long time. But now I do have hair, shorter than I used to wear it and thinner too, but still it looks normal. I used to never wear a coat, though, and if my husband insisted, I would just take one with me or if I did wear it, I would just wear as light a jacket as I could. But now I put on gloves, hat, scarf, heavy coat and still freeze. I will be interested in hearing from the rest of our group to see if anyone else has noticed this.
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