Fear of Mets is RUINING my life
As you can see from my diagnosis, I could not be more of a high-risk patient in terms of chance of mets!
A part of me has actually accepted that I will likely die of BC, but what I cannot accept is that this could be soon, before age 35 or 40. (I am 32 now).
I am thoroughly paralyzed with fear, and it has gotten worse, not better, with time, because I kept learning more bad things about my case over the past several months since dx (found out I had BRCA1 mutation, then found out my tumors didn't respond to neoadjuvant chemo, then that they were larger than first expected and affected more nodes and skin, etc).
I am unable to work or enjoy anything or function because of my fear. I lie in bed for about 14-16 hours per day. I am wasting this precious time.
When I was a child, my parents consoled my fears (of the dark, of monsters…) by reassuring me they were irrational and not real. But my adult fear is completely realistic considering my prognosis. There is no hiding from the facts/stats.
I don't know how to continue like this. I see a therapist weekly, a psychiatrist monthly, I take an anti-depressant (Lexapro) AND Ativan. I go to meditation/yoga groups. I force myself to take walks. I have done everything to help myself. I will look into clinical trials once I adjust to the hormone blocking therapy that I begin in a couple of weeks.
Right now I am having pain on my right side (liver area). Oncologist says it is up to me if I want him to order a scan - I said no, I cannot bear the anxiety of that process. We took blood instead, results come back next week.