How do I get over the lost of my breasts ?
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Hi Gals,
I won't be post specific but here are some facts:
My most recent PS came highly recommended - from a nurse in my old PS's office. He's the one who recommended HBOT, my old one didn't, and so I chose him. The HBOT did help but after 2 months after expander my skin turned on me overnight - literally. I'll revisit the HBOT with my PS. Typically you do 20 before surgery and 10 after. I did like 40 before due to a situation. It's time consuming. I really think it did help me keep the expander for so long.
NOLA. I can't afford it. They don't take my insurance. I can't afford the time away from work or my child (she's 14, I'm a single parent).
I've had issues with this R side from the get-go. My current PS thinks there is bacteria in my scar tissue that get activated with a foreign body. My lat flap is fine, no issues, as it's my own body parts. He says there's no way to rid myself of this bacteria as I don't have enough skin to re-do any scar tissue. That's a basic explanation.
I can't do fat transfer as I'm, 5'1" and 99 lbs. no extra fat unfortunately.
My therapist/psychologist is helping me work through this and other issues. I see my PS in about 8 weeks to discuss when to replace my L capsule contractured implant.
Trying to wrap my head around going in one direction only to be stopped by an insurmountable road block.
I'll see if my PS has any recommendations of other PS who have more expertise with radiated skin/wound healing issues. I welcome all recommendations from anyone here.
I'm a planner. I think it helps me forget things (ie: emotional pain?). If I have no choice to be/stay flat I'm planning a cover tattoo. I'll reduce the L side as much as I can. I hate wearing a prosthesis as the bra has to be so tight. If I don't wear it it's very obvious no matter what I wear.
It's an on-going situation at this point.
Beesie, I always enjoy your fact/statistic posts!
J ~
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Jaybird, thanks for the clear picture of what's going on with you. What a nightmare you've experienced.
I know you're grieving over the loss of your breasts. And you've been through so much.
My mom was petite and thin, like you. After her second mastectomy, she had a couple of surgeries to get an "aesthetic flat closure" or a smooth, flat chest. She wore scarves and vests and jackets and looked fabulous. Have you ever considered this?
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I just had a mastectomy with no reconstruction of my left breast last week after being diagnosed with DCIS. The surgeon took the bandage off today, although the staples are still there for another week, and I cannot bring myself to look. I have been sobbing all day,and I know I will be depressed for a long time. I told my husband to take the mirror out of the bathroom and I will shower with my eyes closed. I don't know how I am going to do it.
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55girl,
I'm so sorry - and I get it. Why no reconstruction? What kind of closure did you have, and can you have future reconstruction? I won't say it gets better - it just gets different.
J ~
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Welcome, 55girl. We're so sorry you find yourself here, but we hope this place can be a source of support as you adjust to all that's changed. We certainly understand how you're feeling, and we're all here for you.
The Mods
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55girl,
So sorry you are going through this. I can relate. I had a UMX with a tissue expander placement that then had to get filled slowly over weeks. Confronting myself in the mirror was really upsetting (sometimes impossible) at first, and I had trouble looking at/dealing with that area for a while. It was interesting how my body and mind had this kind of disconnect. I didn't really want to think about it, but meanwhile my left arm would reflexively fold across my chest on walks, etc.--a subconscious protective instinct, I think, that lasted for some weeks.
In my case, the TE was uncomfortable and ended up damaging my skin, which was very thin and had some difficulty healing after radiation. I originally was in a damage control mode after my diagnosis, and the assumption from everyone (except my husband) was that recon was the way to go. So I set off down that path but over time realized it was just not for me. I didn't want more long surgeries, the risk of pain syndromes, etc. Over time, and it did take a long time for me, I grew to understand how I could and did adjust to many things that previously would have been quite unthinkable to me, and that this was likely to happen with regard to being flat on one side as well.
It took me about 3 years to get off the fence and bail on the recon altogether, and I then had to go through another (briefer) period of adjustment to my "aesthetic flat closure" once the TE was removed. I can say that I am truly ok with how things are now. I feel at ease with the mirror and view my scars as one part of an unfolding story--and a mark of an incredibly difficult time in my life. It is a process--different for everyone. It is a loss that may well entail a natural period of grief that can't be rushed through. I don't know if you're considering recon or not--it seems like it's a good option for many people, but it's not for everyone for many different reasons. Whatever path you are on, try to be patient and kind with yourself. Healing happens on many levels and over different time-frames.
I wish you all the best.
naps
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Thank you for your response. I chose no reconstruction for a couple of reasons. I don't like the idea of having foreign objects in my body. Also, I had a mastectomy of the left breast. My right side is so small that the plastic surgeon was going to have to put an implant on that side in order for the left side with the smallest sized implant for both to match up. I didn't want something done to that side if there wasn't any need other than to add in implant. So even though my breast was small, and it was my larger one, I am missing a part of my body that I will have to see daily.
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55 girl, I didn’t choose reconstruction right away, but did end up having the DIEP surgery a year later. I was depressed for many reasons, but I think the lopsidedness of one breast contributed to my depression. Have you considered DIEP surgery?0
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55girl, I know how you feel. I won't forget the first time I saw my scars from BMX. I got emotional in front of the nurse and my husband but I know I am on a road of no return and we are doing the best we can. You'll get used to the new you and after a while, you won't care much how it looks. You will give a pat on your back for going through this surgery emotionally and physically. Celebrate that you removed cancer and now you are cancer-free.
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55girl,
Options: flap surgery or even fat transfer. I wish you luck. I'm not pushing you to reconstruct but if you can't handle the flatness, there are options other than implants. Good Luck
J~
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Wow, I didn't know there's been so many posts added.
55girl - I feel you. It's been a year for me now. Time heals. But at the time, the emotional pain was so unbearable. I cried, then cried some more. I was angry, like why is this happening. Writing a journal helped. Reading and writing blogs helped. I was so desperate to find ways to get over the loss. But you know what, there's no rushing it. All the pain you are going through is part of the healing process. Just have to take it one day at a time. Good one day, then bad for 3, then good again....and so on..... Therapy helps, but I'm too shy to talk to one. Mindfulness meditation, yoga helped. Songs helped : I Will Survive, The Climb, What Makes You Beautiful. I talked to myself a lot. Had to convince my head and my heart to accept that this is the 'new' me, suck it up. Mastectomy surgeries are performed everyday. New members are joining the 'club' everyday. You are not alone, That kind of put things into perspective for me. I am not alone, but I do have to go through it on my own. It's like jumping off the high diving board, you are not alone, everyone in class have to jump, but when it's your turn, you have to jump, on your own.
Hey, look on the bright side, you still have one breast to touch and feel. I've got both of mine chopped off.
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I've not had my surgery yet. It's happening the day after tomorrow. Thank you everyone for sharing your stories. I'm reading them literally with tears in my eyes, but some make me smile too.
I have no idea how I am going to come to terms with living with only one breast. My sense of identity is very wrapped up in the shape of my body. I have always been curvy. And now I'm going to be very lopsided. It's hard to find peace with that.
Hope2021 - I hope you find a way through this emotionally, soon.
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I'm having a double mastectomy in a couple weeks. My cancer was discovered early in one breast. I have elected to have a double mastectomy and if there are no lymph node issues that indicate ongoing treatment, I'll be so thankful. I may need to take letrozole for 5 yrs? I used to have a thick head of hair, but thyroid issues and stresses have left me working to keep and regrow my hair. Does anyone have any hair loss problems with letrozole? I'm so thankful I came upon Breastcancer.org. The articles and forums are so informational and I'm grateful to be a part of this community. It has helped me to decide on no reconstruction. Do any of you use anything like recovery shirts, or mastectomy pillows etc that might also help me while I recover? What should I avoid using?
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54Girlfriday,
I originally had my BMX thinking I would not reconstruct. I tried going out flat as well as using prosthetics. My problem with prosthetics was that I was constantly having to adjust them as they would ride up or move around. I am a teacher, so every time I would have to write on the board I would have to try to discretely check to make sure my foobs hadn't moved. The nice heavy silicone prosthetics stayed put better, but they could get a bit hot and heavy. After a year and a half I decided to reconstruct, and for me, it was worth it.
It's all a very personal decision, but I would take into account factors like job type, how often you would need to wear the prosthetics, your size (bigger=heavier prosthetics), if you're outside a lot, etc. Prosthetics are a good option for many women, and it sure was nice to sleep on my stomach with no boobs in the way.
Good luck with your decision. Wishing you all the best and quick healing from your surgery.
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Thank you for your comments. They are helpful. I am retired (was a teacher early on) and I'm in my early 70's now. I've had several different surgeries in the last 5 yrs. Initially I wanted no reconstruction because I've had it with surgeries. But I did struggle with the thought of that loss as I said in my initial post....and I've edited it now with more questions! So after I researched the risks of doing one over the other, I decided to stick with the no reconstruction, at least for now, and your comments help to lead me to an informed decision regarding prosthetics. So thank you for that. It's good to know that prosthetics can be helpful, but also that there are potential challenges with them. I never thought about being able to sleep on my stomach! That would be a plus!!
Thank you for your good wishes. I will be so glad when this surgery is behind me, and I truly hope that this will be the end of it. Stay well and stay healthy.
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54Girlfriday, I just realized I forgot to welcome you to the forum. I have a habit of getting right to the point. Anyway, I'm sorry that you find yourself here but, welcome! This diagnosis and surgery are very difficult physically and emotionally, but this forum really helped me get through it.
I think that your decision not to reconstruct is solid. If I were retired I don't think I would have gotten reconstruction, but I've got a way to go yet. There are some silver linings to your choice. It was so comfortable to go flat and braless when I was at home and when exercising. For just running errands I would wear lightweight inserts (Athleta makes some very nice inexpensive ones) and when I wanted to wear something dressy or fitted I would wear my nice silicone ones. So definitely a lot of options.
As far as surgery, you'll be very restricted in your arm movements for a while, so button up shirts/pajamas are the best. You'll also need something to clip your drains to. I had a little pouch that tied around my waist to put the drains in. Some people really like the mastectomy pillows but I just used regular pillows and they were fine. You will definitely need a pillow for the car seat belt.
If you haven't already, you can look in the surgery forum. I think there are some people who have posted checklists of things that you will need while recovering. I recommend doing a search on "flat closure" as well. If you don't plan on reconstruction, it's important that your surgeon understands that, since they leave extra skin for women who think they will have reconstruction later on. Unfortunately there are some women who have had issues when they and their surgeon are not on the same page.
Wishing you all the best!
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54Girlfriday,
Please join us on "July Surgeries" so we can support you through your surgery. I too am "going flat", my surgery is Friday July 23. I'm getting nervous, but ready to move forward. As far as being flat, I'm sure it will hit me when I see that my breasts are really gone, but I'll be relieved to have them gone also.
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I am having a bilateral mastectomy August 25, 2021. My mother died of breast cancer at 62. I decided to have reconstruction using implants. After reading these accounts, I realize I have a long road ahead. I am amazed how brave all of the women are on these posts. I will have some great mentors.
“Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.“ Psalm 23:4
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hello sweetie here s my story. I was planning our 2nd marriages when found lump in shower worked in medical field first in O R as Instrument tech 15yrs then in City clinic had own office in Peds in medical records. Had biopsy and diagnosed IDC stage2 had 3 mi chemo before and after Lmast go into new marriage with one breast wow. Had reconstruction but wks later rushed by fiance to ER with 104 temp expanded was hardened. It was removed body rejected as foreign body. Since then wear prosthesis in my bras and swimsuit and Praise God 27yr Survivor and 27th Wedding Anniversary this yr. Doing good hang in there to all going thru this is my Hope to Inspire others msphil
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